Another Daily Frustration

I had the kiddo's last night. It was parent-teacher conference night and I wasn't told about the meetings until after 9:00 the night before. I expect as much from my ex. When we were in court, his one problem with my proposal was that I said his wife didn't need to attend my children's conferences. She's not their mom and he can inform her of how they went. She completely dominates the conversation and she honestly believes that she has more say and input than I should have. Me, their mother! I am almost at my limit with her and I feel she deliberately pushes me hoping I will snap so I can get into more trouble. Not gonna happen.

So they found a way to keep me from going. They deliberately scheduled those appointments on my night with my kids, knowing full well I wouldn't want to miss my time with them. He didn't even bother finding someone to watch them so I could go. Oh, well. Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to this round of meetings. I want to meet their teachers on a one on one basis, so they can get to me and vise-versa without her interfering. It's just the point that he is already pulling this kind of shit. If I did it to him, he would be pissed. I just have to hold on a while longer. He will not be happy if I start playing the game he plays all the time.

I am better than that though. I am better then both of them. I know that. They are complete hypocrites. They accuse me of doing shit that they are doing themselves. Shit that I don't do or say, that they do all the time and don't even recognise. They are so concerned about the kids' grades that they tried to put it in court papers that if they slip, custody automatically goes back to them. In other words, if my kids get a bad grade, it is my fault. Now, we will be alternating weeks with the kids. There are too many variables when it come to kids getting a bad grade. There could be any reason. What is hypocritical is that while he wanted that court ordered, my oldest son had an F. He and my daughter told me he was grounded from video games for getting an F. Now, my daughter told me she has a D in math (I was also bad in math). She said she has C's too, as well as some A's and B's. They don't even live with me yet, so who's fault is that? My ex would find a way to blame me somehow.

They are so concerned about how I take care of the kids' clothes and dress them, yet their step-mom made them wear the same clothes to my house 2 days in a row. They were filthy. I could not believe it. Well, I could, but you know. If I did that, I would be accused of being a terrible parent. They say that I used to let my kids wear clothes with holes in them and dirty (which is completely untrue to begin with; they have always had nice clothes, but boys get dirty), yet that is what they do.

I guess it comes back down to accepting what you can't change. I couldn't change my ex when we were together, he won't change now. And he married someone more psycho than I was on my drunkest, most belligerent day. It's true. So now I have double the trouble.

Oh, well. I had a great visit. But my middle son came in and looked really upset, though. He said that at day care (the daycare provider is his step-mom's mom) all the kids were playing football And they wouldn't let him. He started crying and said that his step-mom's sister told him he couldn't play and he didn't know why. He said, "I just wanted to play." It broke my heart. He's very sensitive and he whines a lot, but this was different. He was hurt. He's only 7. (And he is going to be an awesome football player!)

Last night I was laying bed thinking and wondered if that is how the parents felt after that football game where some of the kids didn't get all their plays. Now, I am not defending their behaviour in any way. I am still as appalled as ever. Their behaviour is wrong, end of story. But maybe the feeling is the same as what I felt for my son. No one wants to see their child's feelings hurt.

I kind of felt last night, as I was laying in bed and thought about it, that God was dealing with me on my judgement of those parents. Am I being hypocritical by judging them for their behaviour, which includes judging my husband and the other coaches? They are going around smearing my husbands name, yet, I have done plenty of talking, which includes my last post (and I don't regret it, I think I made my point). I just think God deals with me on these sorts of issues quite often, when I least expect it. Like with my son. It's just a thought.

I am planning on writing a post soon on forgiveness, which I am still working on. So until then...

Accepting What We Cannot Change

Have you ever been involved in something where you give everything you have to it: your heart, soul, commitment, time, patience, service and more? You give everything, trying to help people, be a good role model, help somebody grow, dedicating your time, energy, care and concern to a person or situation, only to  have those you are providing this service to turn on you. I have been in situations where the people I am helping or working for turn on me and treated me as less than what I deserved and I am sure most people have at some point. But what happened to my husband and his fellow coaches recently, takes the cake.

I had been thinking of writing a post on "accepting the things I cannot change" for a while and then an incident after my step-son X's game gave me the inspiration I needed.

 

My husband, Chris, coaches 5th grade tackle football with 3 other guys, one of whom is his best friend. Technically they now have another coach, but I still don't understand why. I smell something bad there. He's been gunning for Chris' position in my opinion.  (And everything I write on this blog is my opinion and my views, not necessarily Chris' or anyone else's. Chris has no knowledge of the stuff I write until it's already been published. He'll read my novel before it's published though. Just so we're clear.) Last year, they coached 4th grade and next year they'll coach 6th.

Coach Chris and X

Every year, the "Cowboys" play at the K-State stadium. It is a big deal and is very special to the kids. My son Logan plays on one of the 6th grade teams; he's played since 4th grade. He was so excited about meeting a player on the team who is from our town and Chris knows.

My step-son's team played before Logan's. I don't know much about football, but I know those boys were playing hard against a team that stomped them last year. Our boys held them to the end and went into overtime. X got hurt pretty badly, along with two of the other coaches sons, at the end of the game. After a while X was ready to go back in, so one of the coaches sent him in. X made an awesome tackle, even though he was hurt. But we ended up getting beat by 6 points. The Cowboys were amazing.

I was sitting in the stands with my three kids waiting for Logan to go out when all of a sudden, I hear some lunatic ranting and raving. At first, I didn't know what was going on. Then, I realized this "man," I'll refer to as "Brutus the Caveman," was yelling and cussing at my husband. He was going on sarcastically about how he's so glad he drove all this way to watch his kid get only 5 plays. Chris had tried to calm him and asked to do this at practice, but the guy continued to yell and demand to deal with it right there on the field. He said that other people had a problem too.

So, Chris yelled out that if anyone has a problem they can come to him in practice. But "Brutus" wouldn't let it go. He would not back off, even after Chris had walked away and began packing up. He also had an inured child to check on.

I couldn't believe what was going down and I'm pretty sure from everyone else's reaction that they couldn't believe it either. I was seriously concerned that this guy was going to punch my husband. Chris is a tall man, around 6'3", and thin. "Brutus" is a fat man who relies on his biker/inmate appearance to intimidate people. And honestly, when a huge guy is attacking your husband, demanding to "take it out to the parking lot to handle it," you get worried. I have no doubt Chris could hold his own, but still. My children were watching this.

Let me mention something about Chris. He is a wonderful man. I have written about him in past posts. He is far from perfect and he pisses me off to no end at times, but he is truly one in a million. When I relapsed in Dec. of 2010, we hadn't even been together a year and I put him through hell, yet he stuck by me. Even after I hurt my child and ended up in jail, he stood by me. He knew that wasn't the kind of person I really am and that I would die for my kids and he forgave me and he helped me get better. We healed together and moved on with our life. How many men would stick by a woman like me? Not many that is for sure. When he loves someone or something, he is there through thick and thin. He showed me the meaning of "for better or worse" and we weren't even married at that time. He deserves respect! (As all the other coaches do to and every person.) Chris deserves an apology from "Brutus" and everyone else who badmouthed him. How can you not like him?

My kids love Chris and the kids on his team respected and liked him, until they witnessed that BS and listened to their parents degrade and disrespect him. If their parents don't respect someone and don't show respect, how can we expect a child to? Is it funny when kids are bullying another kid saying they don't like his dad and they hate him as a coach? I really don't think any kid would've made that big of deal had the parents behaved appropriately. They might have noticed that they didn't get all their plays, but I bet they would've asked at practice in a more grown up manner than their parents did and Chris would've apologized and felt terrible and so would the other coaches. Chris is not the scapegoat so I am sick of people taking advantage of his kind, relaxed, laid back, giving nature. People mistake kindness for weakness and he is not weak. He is a stand up kind of man that we are all lucky to know.

The most ridiculous part is that this guy's son did get all his plays. There were a few boys who got overlooked in the heat of the game and I know that Chris feels bad about it and so do the other coaches. They wouldn't intentionally hurt any of those kids or deliberately make them feel bad. It was an intense game and SHIT HAPPENS!! But some people aren't satisfied with that excuse. What there is no excuse for was that disgusting display in front of our town and families. "Brutus the Caveman" shamed our team, our coaches who didn't deserve it, our children who were all a witness to it, our little town and the other teams. All because of a mistake that 4 wonderful coaches made that I am sure has never happened before. It was about the rudest most disrespectful thing I have seen in a long time and I was in jail a year ago, so that says something about "Brutus'" behaviour.

Chris was so upset from then until the parent meeting a couple days later. That's where my thoughts on accepting what you can't change comes in. No matter what Chris or the other guys said, it wouldn't change a person's mind that is already made up. And some minds were set against them. You can not change other people. You can only change yourself and how you respond to people or situations. Chris responded very gracefully considering there was a crazed man in his face trying to physically and verbally attack him, in front of his kids, his friends, his step-kids and wife, and even his wife's ex. It was embarrassing for him, me and probably a lot of the people watching. Anyone who thought that was cool or funny is completely deranged.

I know that in life we all come across people like "Brutus" and his pose. We can chose to walk away. They may not give a choice, but we can rise above them. We can chose to teach our kids that that behaviour is unacceptable and you don't get to throw a fit and get rewarded for that behaviour. People always ask what is wrong with kids these days; well, there was a perfect example. We parents set the example.

Some people might say I have no room to talk. I say to those people, I am trying to teach my kids to learn from their mistakes. Part of learning is taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable for your actions. Making amends for your bad actions or words. Changing whatever character defects you are willing to see in yourself and make a conscious effort to fix them. We can only change ourselves. We can ask for forgiveness and the other party has a choice to forgive or live in anger and resentment. That is up to them and only them. But we don't have to take responsibility for their feelings after that. They own their feelings.

I hope my children look at me and can say with certainty that people can change themselves if they are willing.

"Brutus" didn't even show up at the meeting. Instead he sent his girlfriend and a letter he wrote that wasn't even worth the ink or paper it was written on, or the breath it took to read it. It only showed his colors more clearly and proved he has no care or concern or regard for people who volunteer their time to his child.

All I have to say now is that dude is lucky Chris doesn't share my temper (or past temper) because it would've been on. There would've been fists and blood and cops and embarrassment and regret and shame.
Luckily, I don't play like that now. I have self control for the most part when I'm sober and taking my "crazy pills!"

For anyone who has been in a situation similar or been attacked for no reason, just remember, it isn't really about you. There is something within that person or persons. Nobody is perfect. A lot of people think they are and they fill their bucket with stones, ready to cast the first one at anyone who they feel messes up. Those are the people who need to take a long, hard look in the mirror. One day, they too might be turned on. Karma truly is a bitch; but most people don't realize it's karma and blame God or someone else. Karma has come back on me tenfold! And I have learned.

All you can do is keep your own yard clean, so to speak. You can't keep your yard clean and someone else's yard also. You worry about your mess and let them deal with theirs. Don't become a part of it. As hard as it is sometimes.

                          "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
                                       The courage to change the things I can,
                                And the wisdom to know the difference. Amen"
Peace out!


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A New Start

My kids at church on X-mas 2011

Today was the day that I have been waiting for and praying about for 20 months now. I am getting my kids back. As in, shared custody. After what seemed like a never ending battle in court and between my ex (his wife), and I, we finally came to an agreement. My kids will be so happy. I am happy.

20 months ago, I was a drunken mess. It'll be 20 months tomorrow that I had the absolute worst day of my life; probably my children's lives. I was in a black out drunk and I physically hurt one of my children. I still have no memory of it what-so-ever. But I have suffered the consequences every single day since. My kid's have also suffered. I hate to admit it, but even their dad suffered as far as seeing his kids hurting and all the attorney fees and so forth. I'll give him that. What I did caused a lot of pain to more people than just myself and my kids. But hurting them is what I am most sorry for.

I have not had a drink since that night. Not a single one; and I haven't wanted one. Only one week after about nine months sober did I start craving. But I talked it out and I didn't give in to the craving. I only have God to thank for that. He's kept me strong even in my weakness.

I have prayed every single day for this day to come. The day I would be able to bring my kids back home. Honestly, in the beginning of all this, I didn't think it would happen. I though maybe I'd get my weekends back, but not shared custody. And if their dad wanted to be an even bigger dick, he could have fought to keep full custody and I would only get weekends. So as difficult as he's been, I am grateful he didn't do that and that we went with our original agreement.

It's been rough. It's been the most stressful period of my life by far. But I made it through with the help of my husband, who stood beside me the whole way; my family and kids; and most of all, God. I remained hopeful, even when it seemed hopeless. I kept the faith when it just didn't seem possible. I believed with all my heart that God had a great plan for my life and that plan includes my kids. I prayed without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17), and I chose to believe that my prayers would be answered. It wasn't always easy. I always had that dreadful voice in the back of my mind saying, "it'll never happen. You screwed up too bad, you don't deserve another chance." But I ignored it.

I hope anyone who is struggling, in any situation, and reads this will be inspired to do the same. Just have faith. Just do what you know is right and the next right thing is going to come. But sometimes it takes work. A lot of work and patience. I thought I was on my last leg. I really didn't know how much more I could stand, but I held on. I had a lot of wonderful support at home, at work, in places I never would've expected. I am truly grateful to everyone who was there to talk to and lean on.

I feel more humbled because of the situation. Did I act humble at all times? Probably not. I think people, myself included, mistake being humble for being weak. And I didn't want to be preyed upon for any weakness. But I surely feel humbled. I was knocked off my high horse; God allowed that. I guess I needed it.

I am happy and I am very lucky. I am so lucky to be given another chance. It's a new start for my family. I won't let anyone or anything stand in the way of me and my kids. No one. Not even myself.

Current Stresses

I went to court last week and of course, nothing resolved. I have to go back. My daughter is pretty upset. She wants to come home. It's all I have been hearing from all of my kids for months. But the step-monster won't stay out of shit. It could have been done. I get along alright with the kids' dad, until she gets her ass involved. I can't for the life of me understand how another woman can honestly believe she has the right to  control me and my children and that she has the right to act as their mom. They have a mom; ME! She wasn't involved in the conception of those children. Oh, well. I keep praying and I know God's Will will be done.

Other than the continual court cases that seem never ending, and of course financially struggles, things are going pretty well. I have started a fiction novel. I used to write obsessively in high school. It was pretty much all I was interested in. I've had a story in my head for years and I was finally inspired to start writing fiction again. It is a romance novel and I decided that if I was going to write it, I was going to go all the way, holding nothing back. It's been fun.

I'm still trying to lose weight. Not having much luck at all. It is so frustrating! Why can't everything just be easy?

Things have been so much better between Chris and I. Relationships take work and communication. We can both be very stubborn; I might be more stubborn than him. I guess it will always be a work in progress.

I am pretty stressed out. All the court stuff, never ending bills, Christmas and birthdays coming up...Where do you come up with the money when there just isn't any? I just pray and pray. I know God is providing and I try not to worry, but it is tough.

I can't wait for this year to be over. It is just one thing after the next. Just when everything seems to be working out the way I have prayed for, something happens and I get a major set back. But I believe one day I will look back and know that I can get through anything because I got through all this shit.

I am thankful for love. The love of my wonderful husband, my beautiful children, my mom and the rest of my family. And most of all, God's love and forgiveness.

'Til next time.

Getting Better

Well, how things change in just a week. I think Chris and I are getting back on track.We've done a lot of talking over the past few days and I think he is more understanding of where I'm coming from and I understand him a little more. I love him so much. And he loves me, that I know.

I have my kids tonight and I am always looking forward to seeing them. They light up my life.

We went to Logan's football game last Saturday. I feel so bad for him. He's got a cast on his wrist and can't play. But he is there and is part of the team. He fills their drink bottles and runs out and gets the thing they set the football on for kick off. I don't know what it's called. He will get the cast off soon. I don't know if the doctor will let him play after that. He will have to work with his wrist. I miss seeing him play. He's pretty good.

My husband is one of the coaches of the 5th grade team. My step-son plays. He is also very good. I am very proud of all of them. I love watching them out there. The boys are good little football players and my husband looks so sexy out there coaching!!

I go to court next week I hate court, but I think it will go well. Life is on the right track.

You know, the AA Promises are true. Do the next right thing; things will get better. One step at a time, one day at a time. Life is what you make it and I choose to make mine as good as possible and work out whatever issues arise. I'm not running from anything these days. I thank God every day for my sobriety and for being there for me, pulling me through it all.

I'm Not Dead

Wow, has it been forever since I've written, or what?! It feels like it. I don't know why, I just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been doing more reading lately.

I have a tendency to start something and it is great, I love it, but then the newness and fun wear off and I get bored. I love writing, don't get me wrong. I won't quit writing. I just go through phases. I know that is not really good for a blog writer to do. Just like I get bored, so do my readers and people move on to something else very quickly.

Things are going pretty well right now. Things with my kids are great and getting better, as far as custody, it seems. I am pretty happy.

My weight loss progress is going slowly, but surely. I'm only losing about a pound a week. I am very impatient. I want it NOW! I want to be thin again. Changing anti-depressants has worked wonders though. I would still be gaining if I hadn't switched. While my appetite has been somewhat suppressed, and my libido has improved and I have more energy (I'm not fatigued), I'm not sure what I'm on now works as well for depression. I'm not so depressed, but I just feel sort of numb. I don't know how to explain it. I think that has something to do with my lack of interest in writing lately. But I'm more depressed when I'm fat, so it's a catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Things with my husband aren't as great as they could be. He's a good man, but completely oblivious to my feelings and needs. It gets old. I am the kind of wife who lets her husband know what I need and want and expect. He listens to me and then the opposite of what I have told him. It's been this way from day one though, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He makes promises and the next day it's out the window. It causes some major trust issues. Trust as far as believing what he tells me. When he says he will do something, I'm like, "yeah, I'll believe it when I see it." So I am numb. Nothing will ever change.

My mom would tell me, "if this is the worst of your problems..." I know. Compared to my relationship before, I've got it pretty good. But sometimes I need more than "good." I would like respect. I need my feelings and needs and wishes respected. I respect his needs and feelings. I know I could do better in some areas, but I admit it. I don't pretend to be perfect. I know I'm not. That's the difference between us. He thinks he is perfect, so why change? I don't know what to do anymore. My voice is not really heard in this relationship, no matter how loud I am.

I have to do everything. He doesn't help me. So I am nervous about having my kids back here because I will have to do everything on my own and I will get so mad when I look over and he is sitting there doing nothing. That's how it was before. He says he will help me, but he doesn't even help when it is just the two of us. And when I ask him to do something around the house or whatever, he gets all mad and pouts.

No matter what, I won't get so overwhelmed that I start drinking again. I don't even think about it anymore. I have other ways of coping now. And I will NEVER do that to my kids again. I want them back home so bad, I will do anything and everything to keep them safe and healthy and happy. No matter how mad I get at Chris, I will never risk my kids again.

I have 19 months sober, baby!!

I have a lot of changes coming; good changes. I just hope things get better in the areas I've discussed.

Til next time!!

8 Tips For Managing Stress

Everyone gets stressed out from time to time. Just a couple weeks ago, I had the most stressful week I’ve had in 18 months; and that includes my 45 days in jail. So it got me thinking of the different methods to manage stress.

We all cope with stress differently. I, like a lot of people, tend to become angry and irritable, an fly off the handle. I had actually been doing really well about not flying off the handle, thanks to Prozac. But my doc had switched me to another anti-depressant because I gained so much weight on the other. Hopefully my moods will even out more; especially now that I am losing weight.  

Some people lose their appetite; some people turn to comfort foods (me); some people turn to alcohol or drugs. There are so many things people do that don’t really work too well for the long run.

So I started digging around in my “toolbox” for some healthy alternatives for stress management. These are some things that have been working for me (aside from anti-depressants)

     

     1. Pray. When I am really stressed and overwhelmed, I turn to God for comfort. I pray a lot for strength to get through the difficult times. I meditate on God’s Promises. And most importantly, I believe that He hears an answers my prayers.   

         

            2. Meditate.  For me, prayer and meditation go hand in hand. Meditation and breathing exercises are the best for stressful situations. A couple of months ago, I had court and I as so nervous. The whole time I as waiting to be called, I focused on my breathing and nothing else. It really helped me relax. If you are unsure how to meditate, click here for some tips    

     

      3. Go for a walk. Exercise is great for stress. I enjoy walking, but not in 107 degree weather. During unpleasant weather, use a treadmill if you have one or use an exercise DVD. Anything, just exercise. Being out in nature is very always lifts my spirits. Yoga is by far the best for stress relief.     

     

      4. Get organized. I don’t know about you, but when my house is a mess, I feel like everything is in chaos. I am not a neat freak at all. I am actually a bit of a clutter bug. But when things start piling up, I get really annoyed. Big time. So just clearing the table, putting dishes away, tidying up really helps put my mind at ease

     

      5. Take a bubble bath. Set aside time just for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a bath; you could read for an hour write, paint your toenails, take a nap. Just set aside to focus on yourself and nobody else. Don’t think about anything going on in life; it’s just you.

        

            6. Play some calming music. When I’m stressed or angry, I am drawn to loud, angry music. They are preaching what I’m feeling. But all that does is get me all fired up all over again. Instead, try something uplifting and you’ll notice a difference. I know I do. And if you are sad or depressed, don’t listen to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”, or Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” I don’t even have to be depressed to start balling when I hear those songs.  

   

     7. Ask for help. If you’re overwhelmed about housework and you have kids running around, ask someone to help you. Or if you are overloaded at work, just admit you could use a hand. I know it’s hard to admit and you don’t want to look bad. But you can’t do everything on your own. Everyone needs help sometimes.  

    

      8. Talk to someone you trust. It could be your spouse if they are the type of person who will just listen and not try to “fix” you; most men want to fix whatever the problem is. Or if they’re someone who is easily offended or will become stressed themselves, they probably aren’t the right person to confide in. A pastor or minister you know and trust would be a good person to talk to. They can offer you spiritual guidance.  If you are chronically stressed, I would suggest finding a therapist. They can offer un-biased opinions and help you work through your stress and problems. Seeing a therapist/counselor doesn’t mean there is something “wrong” with you. You will be amazed at the progress you will make in your life with someone who will offer honest, un-biased feedback.

I hope these ideas are useful. When you don’t deal with your stress issues, it is just going to build up and it will come out in an explosive way. You have to take care of yourself before you can be any good to your family or job or whatever. Best wishes!


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