A New Start

My kids at church on X-mas 2011

Today was the day that I have been waiting for and praying about for 20 months now. I am getting my kids back. As in, shared custody. After what seemed like a never ending battle in court and between my ex (his wife), and I, we finally came to an agreement. My kids will be so happy. I am happy.

20 months ago, I was a drunken mess. It'll be 20 months tomorrow that I had the absolute worst day of my life; probably my children's lives. I was in a black out drunk and I physically hurt one of my children. I still have no memory of it what-so-ever. But I have suffered the consequences every single day since. My kid's have also suffered. I hate to admit it, but even their dad suffered as far as seeing his kids hurting and all the attorney fees and so forth. I'll give him that. What I did caused a lot of pain to more people than just myself and my kids. But hurting them is what I am most sorry for.

I have not had a drink since that night. Not a single one; and I haven't wanted one. Only one week after about nine months sober did I start craving. But I talked it out and I didn't give in to the craving. I only have God to thank for that. He's kept me strong even in my weakness.

I have prayed every single day for this day to come. The day I would be able to bring my kids back home. Honestly, in the beginning of all this, I didn't think it would happen. I though maybe I'd get my weekends back, but not shared custody. And if their dad wanted to be an even bigger dick, he could have fought to keep full custody and I would only get weekends. So as difficult as he's been, I am grateful he didn't do that and that we went with our original agreement.

It's been rough. It's been the most stressful period of my life by far. But I made it through with the help of my husband, who stood beside me the whole way; my family and kids; and most of all, God. I remained hopeful, even when it seemed hopeless. I kept the faith when it just didn't seem possible. I believed with all my heart that God had a great plan for my life and that plan includes my kids. I prayed without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17), and I chose to believe that my prayers would be answered. It wasn't always easy. I always had that dreadful voice in the back of my mind saying, "it'll never happen. You screwed up too bad, you don't deserve another chance." But I ignored it.

I hope anyone who is struggling, in any situation, and reads this will be inspired to do the same. Just have faith. Just do what you know is right and the next right thing is going to come. But sometimes it takes work. A lot of work and patience. I thought I was on my last leg. I really didn't know how much more I could stand, but I held on. I had a lot of wonderful support at home, at work, in places I never would've expected. I am truly grateful to everyone who was there to talk to and lean on.

I feel more humbled because of the situation. Did I act humble at all times? Probably not. I think people, myself included, mistake being humble for being weak. And I didn't want to be preyed upon for any weakness. But I surely feel humbled. I was knocked off my high horse; God allowed that. I guess I needed it.

I am happy and I am very lucky. I am so lucky to be given another chance. It's a new start for my family. I won't let anyone or anything stand in the way of me and my kids. No one. Not even myself.

Can't Keep Me Down

I had the worst phone call yesterday. I can't get in to any details at the moment, but this woman I spoke to was so rude to me for the first part of the conversation; completely unprofessional and just plain mean to me. She brought up stuff that happened a year and a half ago, like I am less than human and deserved to be treated that way. I was in complete and utter shock. I didn't know what to do or say. This person is in a power position. She completely undermined everything I have done this whole time to get better and recover from the disease of alcoholism. No one has treated me like that in a long time and I absolutely know I didn't deserve it. I don't know, maybe she had a bad day and took it out on me.

I felt horrible all day. I was sick to my stomach all night and all today.

I have made huge efforts to be healthy mentally, emotionally and I am working on the physical. I have been doing fabulous and I am a wonderful, loving mother who genuinely wants the best for my children.

So why would I let someone who doesn't know me get me down, after all I have worked for? Maybe because she kind of holds my future in her hands right now. But, knowing that I was NOT wrong, why would I dwell on it so long? I know who I am and I know I am a good person. Even the judge said that I can't be punished forever for my mistakes forever; I have my dues, and this woman basically treated me like I was the scum of the earth. Why do I care?

I know that everything will work out and that God is for me; so who can be against me? I know this with complete certainty, but still, her words hurt. This woman whom I don't know and who doesn't know me, really hurt me. How does that happen?

I don't know what her motivation was; it really doesn't matter. The fact is, things may bother me at first, I may dwell on it for a while, but I a stronger now than I have ever been and nothing is going to keep me down. I know that the devil uses people, unbeknownst to them, to try to hurt me and doubt God. Well, it won't work. I have seen His goodness and I am a believer. I truly mean "His will be done." Whatever He has planned for me is a good plan and I trust Him fully to take care of me and my children.

There are always going to be hard times that arise. But I will handle it as gracefully as I can. I am sober, faithful, and I won't give my happiness over to someone else to stomp on. I don't deserve that. Nobody does.



Please feel free to leave questions or comments and I will return the favor!




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Filling the Void (What is addiction?)

A woman I work with told me she had been reading my blog and had found it inspiring. I am grateful to anyone who reads my work and has good things to say about it. The fact that she is not an alcoholic or addict and found my blog inspiring touched me; I wish to inspire anyone who just wants a better life. She said that everyone has had their addictions, it doesn't have to be alcohol or drugs, it can be anything: food, working, sex, money, shopping, dieting, exercise, caffeine, etc. I've been hooked on chapstick forever, and Pepsi Max. Then she said something else and put it in such a way the she inspired me. She said, "addiction is just a void that we are trying to fill." She went on to say that God made us that way because we are supposed to be filled with Him. He allows us to hit bottom so that we will turn to Him.

In my last post, God's Will Be Done, I wrote about my experience; when I felt God speak to me and how I now know why God allowed me to go through the things I've gone through. I was searching for something. I look back and I know that since I was a teenager, I was searching. what I really wanted was love. We all do, right? I wanted to feel really loved.

I had a few boyfriends in high school, nothing serious. I always seemed to date the same type of guys; someone with a serious void of their own that they were trying to fill...a void I could never fill for them. I would definately say the first thing I used as a substance, other than rock n' roll, was men. No, I didn't sleep around in high school; I as too shy and reserved for that. Once I got out of school, however, things changed. I used whoever I was seeing at the time and sex to try to feel good. But no amount of sex or man ever filled the void within myself, and I had such high expectations for these men that I was always left disappointed.

Then I got pregnant. I thought that this baby was all the love I would ever need. The love I have for my children is eternal. It's immortal; it will never die. Even after I'm gone, the love I have for them will still be out there, forever present. But that still wasn't enough to fill the hole inside of me.

I was already depressed and my depression just grew. Nothing made me feel good. I turned to alcohol. For a brief period, it did make me feel good. It made me feel something. It helped me forget for a little while how miserable I was. I was so unhappy and the more I looked to things and other people, the worse I felt.

It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and finally heard God speak to my heart and soul, that I started feeling better.  That void was beginning to be filled. It wasn't a complete and immediate transformation, but it as pretty close. I knew what I was searching for. I knew my answer was my Father in Heaven.

I still have things to work on. I know God gives me things to work on so I won't become too complacent. I still turn to food for comfort sometimes. And when I am bored. But that conversation I had with my co-worker really inspired me. I don't need to turn to food, or anything; I can give that issue up to God, just as I gave Him my issue with alcohol. He will take it off my hands. He is fulfilling His promise of giving me a new hope and a future.

Not me

I don't have to live with any addiction, I'm in need for nothing but God's love, mercy, and grace. With Him I can do anything, I can overcome any obstacle.

My new goal is to stop obsessing about my weight and start focusing on the Lord and the dreams He has placed in my heart. I have the love I have always wanted. God has given that to me freely. And He has put people in my life to be expressions of His love. I look to Him for fulfillment.

What have you been addicted to? Nobody likes to think or themselves as being addicted to anything, but we all have had our vices. Caffeine, maybe? How are you handling it?

Feel welcome to leave questions or comments. I will respond ASAP and I'll visit your site!!







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