Can't Keep Me Down

I had the worst phone call yesterday. I can't get in to any details at the moment, but this woman I spoke to was so rude to me for the first part of the conversation; completely unprofessional and just plain mean to me. She brought up stuff that happened a year and a half ago, like I am less than human and deserved to be treated that way. I was in complete and utter shock. I didn't know what to do or say. This person is in a power position. She completely undermined everything I have done this whole time to get better and recover from the disease of alcoholism. No one has treated me like that in a long time and I absolutely know I didn't deserve it. I don't know, maybe she had a bad day and took it out on me.

I felt horrible all day. I was sick to my stomach all night and all today.

I have made huge efforts to be healthy mentally, emotionally and I am working on the physical. I have been doing fabulous and I am a wonderful, loving mother who genuinely wants the best for my children.

So why would I let someone who doesn't know me get me down, after all I have worked for? Maybe because she kind of holds my future in her hands right now. But, knowing that I was NOT wrong, why would I dwell on it so long? I know who I am and I know I am a good person. Even the judge said that I can't be punished forever for my mistakes forever; I have my dues, and this woman basically treated me like I was the scum of the earth. Why do I care?

I know that everything will work out and that God is for me; so who can be against me? I know this with complete certainty, but still, her words hurt. This woman whom I don't know and who doesn't know me, really hurt me. How does that happen?

I don't know what her motivation was; it really doesn't matter. The fact is, things may bother me at first, I may dwell on it for a while, but I a stronger now than I have ever been and nothing is going to keep me down. I know that the devil uses people, unbeknownst to them, to try to hurt me and doubt God. Well, it won't work. I have seen His goodness and I am a believer. I truly mean "His will be done." Whatever He has planned for me is a good plan and I trust Him fully to take care of me and my children.

There are always going to be hard times that arise. But I will handle it as gracefully as I can. I am sober, faithful, and I won't give my happiness over to someone else to stomp on. I don't deserve that. Nobody does.



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God's Will Be Done

"God's will not mine," is something I've heard said a lot. Especially in treatment. Any time somebody would get pissed off at someone else, that would be their response. It's something you say and you think you really mean it, but do you? What does that mean anyway? When you say "God's will be done," are you following it up with, "but please, just give me what I want?" I know I have.

For the past year and a half, I've wanted a couple things so badly; to win the lottery...duh...and most importantly, my children. I have given up on the lottery, but I pray for my kids every day. In the beginning of all of this, I didn't really care what God's will was, to be honest; I just wanted my kids. It took making a choice to get to know my Higher Power on another level to start feeling differently. Gradually building a stronger relationship with my Lord, to realize that He wants good things for my life. He wants good things for my children's lives. I believe that and I have hope in that, no matter how difficult things can be.

I used to ask, "Why, God, why? Why did you let this happen?" I believe I know now. After reading countless books on spirituality, books about God and Heaven; reading Scripture, anything I can find on the internet, and after so much soul searching, I have gradually figured it out. I believe with all my heart, it is so I would become stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So I would get over myself and my selfishness (I still have my selfish moments), and come back to Him. He figuratively slapped me in the face with reality and said, "wake up! Look what you are doing to yourself and to your kids. You're life can be so much better, if you just put your faith in Me." I know I am supposed to help people, with my story; my experiences.

I used to ask, "why is it that certain other people can drink to their hearts content, and act like complete idiots? They are clearly alcoholics, yet they never get into any trouble? But when I start drinking, I get into all sorts of stupid trouble and get arrested and shit. That's not fair, why do they keep getting away with it and I don't?" I actually did ask that question while having a conversation with my husband and the very instant it left my mouth, I was hit with the answer. Like a voice from Heaven, I heard, "Because I have a better plan for your life. I allowed you to fall hard, so that I could lift you up." I, seriously, broke down in tears. I finally had my eyes open.

I still get all emotional when I think about that moment. It changed a lot for me. No, it wasn't an overnight, "everything is perfect now" change. It was just the beginning.It gave me renewed hope. That's when I began to accept God's will for my life, whatever that was. I still struggled with giving up control. But that truly is what "God's will be done" means. Accepting that you are not in control of your own destiny. God is. If you're fighting for control of your own life and everyone else's and everything around you, as I was, you're not living for God's will. His will is not always my will. I still catch myself thinking and saying things like, "I'm in charge of my life, nobody else controls me." Then that still small voice says, "no, I'm in control." I know if I take that control back out of God's loving hands and into my own, I am doomed. I will end up back down the path I was on. Drunk, self-destructive, destroying everything I love and have worked so hard to gain. I know there may come difficult times; God never promised to make life easy. But I know that true peace and happiness will come from my relationship with Him.

Now, when I say, "God's will be done," I truly mean it, because I know He has a perfect plan already laid out for me. As long as I trust in Him, everything will work out, according to that plan. When I begin to stray, He will pull me back to Him, somehow, some way. With that knowledge, I have peace.





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17 Months Sober!

      I started this blog as a creative outlet. A place to express my feelings and views on various subjects and to write about my life. That's what this is. My life. I have wanted to write a book for so long, but I feel I need to brush up on my writing skills. I used to write in high school all the time. My "novels" were my life. But then I became an adult, got a full-time job, got involved with a man who did not exactly support my dreams, and started having babies with him. Writing took a major backseat; bare with me.
      I'm sure if anyone reads any of this, not everyone will agree with my views, my past, my present, whatever. But my hope is that a woman or man who may be going through rough times due to alcohol or drug issues, or anything that has caused them to feel hopeless, depressed, angry, to see that there is hope. There is a new beginning for anyone who wants one. Making major changes in ones life is not easy by any means, but it is possible and I believe I am proof of that. So my goal is to be completely open and honest about my life.  
      I have been sober now for 17 months! I am happier than I have ever been in my life. No, things aren't 100% the way I would like them to be, but I am getting there. With the support of my wonderful husband and family, every day gets better than the last. 
     I have learned a lot about myself the past year and a half. One thing is that I am stronger than I ever knew. I have gone through the most horrific ordeal; all of my own making. I got through it. Next, I learned that when I put my mind to something, nothing will stop me. And I also learned that I really am a good person. I am human and have made some stupid choices over the years and have hurt people I love, but I am a good person.
      The majority of my mistakes have been the result of alcohol. I will get into why and how I feel I succumbed to alcoholism in a later post. I had been sober for a year before my last relapse. I actually wouldn't call it "sober" so much as dry. I was abstaining. I knew for several months that I was in relapse mode, yet I did nothing to help myself. I wouldn't talk to anyone because I didn't want them to think me weak. I was terribly angry and bitter.
    I was a binge drinker. I would drink vodka straight from the bottle. Every couple weeks I'd hit it hard for 2-3 days straight. One awful, long binge, I ended hurting my oldest child pretty bad. I have no memory what-so-ever of that night and I barely remember anything from that entire day. It is like a nightmare. I know it happened, but it is unimaginable to me because my children are my life. I would do anything for my kids and I would kill anyone who ever hurt them. I once read a sign at a treatment center that said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love--except addiction." It's sad, but true.
       I have 4 wonderful children. Logan 11, Kyla 9, Rhyce 7, and Nathan 3-almost 4. I also have 2 step-children. A 10 year old boy and a 16 year old boy. I have hurt my kiddo's a lot over the past few years during my alcohol addiction. I am working to repair the damage with them. I have really been doing everything I can possibly think of to better myself for me and my children. Unfortunately, there are a couple people who have prevented me from doing some things necessary to repair those relationships. But I keep doing the next right thing and remain optimistic about my future.
     There is hope for us alcoholics.