Being Humble In Recovery

Being humble in recover isn't always easy. Sometimes you want to justify your actions and behaviors or you want to blame other people for your actions because they treated you bad or lied about you or whatever the case. It's easy to let pride stand in the way of admitting to others and ourselves what we have done wrong. Maybe those people really did do things to hurt you and the stress and pain led you down the path of alcoholism. But the fact is that we make our own decisions. Nobody forces us to do anything (in most cases). 

Part of recovery is making changes to our personality. Probably the most important change is to humble ourselves. Not only in recovery, but in life. God says very clearly to be humble. We need to humble ourselves before Him to allow Him into our hearts. But we should also humble ourselves before others to allow them into our hearts and our lives. 

Quote from Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional.

People can try our patience and cause us to become defensive in the life of recovery. Sometimes they aren't willing to forgive our mistakes, despite the positive changes and progress we are making. Sometimes being humble means staying quiet. People will say hurtful things and sometimes they refuse to see or acknowledge our growth. It hurts, but we can't allow others to dictate how we behave anymore. We need to be humble. We can state clearly that the past is behind us and we are moving forward and hope our loved ones will one day see for themselves. But we need to fight the urge to become defensive, as hard as it can be.

Part of being humble is helping others. When we see others who are down and out or are trying to make positive life choices, we help in whatever way we can. Help a neighbor or a single mother or a child with whatever task they are working on. When we help others, we help ourselves. It feels good to offer kindness and we should expect nothing in return. This isn't only the way in recovery, but the Christian way. It's the way Christ told us to live. Be a servant of the Lord.




It's important for me to stop and think about these things sometimes. Life tends to get in the way of us doing what we know we should be doing. That's why having a good devotional is important. I pulled out my Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional the other day. It is by far the best devotional I have. It offers a paragraph for the alcoholic in recovery - a daily thought. It also offers a meditation for the day - a paragraph pertaining to our relationship with God. Then it has a prayer for the day - a paragraph for us to think about throughout the day. 

My devotional has been well loved!

My devotional was given to me about 6 years ago, when I first attempted to get sober, by a nice woman in AA. As I've mentioned, I no longer go to AA. I haven't in over 3 1/2 years. So I don't know what ever happened to her. I have other methods of staying sober; getting in touch with my Higher Power is the main way for me. This devotional is amazing. Even the non-alcoholic could appreciate this book. We all have personality or character defects that cause us to do things or behave in a way that isn't the best and we should be addressing those defects. This book helps us look at ourselves in a new way. I love it. I hadn't read it about a year or so, so I'm making a fresh start. Today's thoughts on being humble was inspired by this book.

You can read more about being humble in the Bible. 

                                    1 Peter 5:6 says 

                                                            "Humble yourselves, therefore, 
                                                              under the mighty hand of God 
                                                              so that at the proper time he  
                                                                        may exalt you,"

                                   Philippians 2:3-11 says:

                                                            "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit,
                                                             but in humility count others more significant than                                                                              yourselves.
                                                             Let each of you look not only to his own interests, 
                                                             but also to the interests of others.
                                                             Have this mind among yourselves,
                                                             which is yours in Christ Jesus, who,
                                                             though he was in the form of God,
                                                             did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
                                                             but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,
                                                             being born in the likeness of men..."

Ask yourself, "have I been humbling myself before God and man?" I know I could do better myself. 

What are your thoughts on humility?
                                                               

Remaking This Blog & Thoughts On Recovery

I have been thinking about this blog off and on for a while. This blog was my first and writing here was very therapeutic for me during the most difficult time of my life. But once I felt like I had gotten my life together, I didn't feel I needed to write here anymore.

I have been sober for over 4 years. February 6 is my sobriety date. It came and went without a thought until about a day or two later. I don't know what exactly that means. I have been sober longer than what I would consider to be in full on alcohol addiction. I drank off and on for several years, but the hard core drinking only lasted a couple years, with very brief periods of sobriety, or being dry.

I don't live the kind of sober life that most people in recovery do. I don't go to AA meetings and I haven't been to one since my 6 month anniversary. The meeting in my town is not for me. Some of the "old-timers" are not for me. I wasn't ready to open up - I have a lot of social anxiety. I don't like speaking in front of groups of people - until I get comfortable with them. Some of the people in this meeting didn't want to give me that time and space to get comfortable enough to trust and open up. So, after one humiliating meeting, I never returned. 

I have nothing against meetings at all. I think in very early recovery meetings can be the difference between having a drink and not having a drink. But for me personally, I always left a meeting wanting a drink more than I did before I went to one. 

I haven't had any strong desire to have a drink in years. It is not something I think about. Alcohol is not on my mind on a regular basis. I am pretty much only reminded of it when I see it. When I see drunk people on t.v., particularly reality shows, like on MTV or Bravo, I am reminded of why I no longer drink. Drunk people are stupid and annoying. No offense, of course. I took stupid and annoying to a whole new level. I was an insane drunk. 

So, why am I back here? I don't drink. I don't have a desire to drink. I don't go to AA and I no longer read the Big Book. I haven't put much effort into the actual recovery process. I just worked on my own personal issues that led me to drink. So why come back? This blog did become a niche blog, despite my intentions to not be. It's kind of hard not to be in the recovery niche when your blog name is My Life Sober, amirite? I write a less nichey blog, so what am I doing writing this post now? I guess I feel like there is unfinished business on this blog. I feel like there are people out there who might need some inspiration. I realize that sounds a bit arrogant and that isn't my intention. I wish when I was first recovering, there was a blog out there written by someone I could relate to. 

 I still have plenty of thoughts on alcoholism and addiction. The problem is that my views and opinions are based off of MY OWN experiences. My personal experience, my experience in rehab - three times to be exact; one inpatient, 2 outpatient. My brief stays in jail due to drunken arrests and my experience dealing with people who are battling their own demons. Because it's based mostly off experience and not something I was taught in "substance abuse school," some people might not like my opinions. But I'm not writing for those people. 

One opinion I have is that substance abuse counselors should be in recovery themselves. During my 3 times in rehab, I had 6 different counselors. Tell me that's not f'd up. I have had counselors that have never been an alcoholic or addict. I've had counselors who were hard core addicts, but were in recovery and working their own program. Who do you think I responded to the best? The people who have been where I have been. The woman who knew first hand how I felt losing my children because she too once lost her kids. The woman who showed me first hand that you can be the lowest of the low at the darkest point in your life, then fight your way back up and get your kids back. The woman who called me out in a respectful yet firm manner. The one who listened and didn't assume she knew everything about me simply because I'm an alcoholic and we are "all the same." She knew better than that and she knew that my story isn't the same as the next alcoholic or addict. I have my own story. And she listened and helped me see a better way.

My point is I don't trust many counselors in this area. The ones who get their info from books rather than experience worry me. The ones I have had didn't listen. They felt they knew it all and I knew nothing about myself. They undermined everything I said and believed and when I disagreed with them on their opinions not facts, they would pull out the "you're an alcoholic, you aren't smarter than me" card. They treated us like we had lived our whole lives wrong without ever knowing anything about our lives. I don't respond well to that. I don't know an alcoholic or addict who does. 

I have my own thought on AA. It isn't for everyone and it isn't the only way a person can get and stay sober. It has it's place, but I don't believe it's the end all be all. I know that is controversial in the recovery world because you're taught that AA or CA or NA is the ONLY WAY. It's not. GOD is the only way. Or whatever your higher power is. AA teaches that too but they also treat AA as if it is some higher power and is to be trusted more than God. I've been to some good meetings but people rely more on the meeting than God's power.

I know and have known since about February 6th or 7th, 2011, when I was laying in a jail cell contemplating suicide because I knew I couldn't live with myself and what I had done. I planned to find a way to do it. My kids were better off, right? How could I ever face them again? My babies. My life. I couldn't live with it. But God showed me a better way. He allowed those awful things to happen to give me another chance. No, it shouldn't have happened, but it forced me to realize what I was doing. I hadn't only been hurting myself. I had been hurting my kids. And I had actually hurt my child because of the alcohol. I couldn't kill myself and leave them so many questions and they would always doubt my love for them and maybe even blame themselves. I wouldn't allow that to happen. I was determined to change. I would stop drinking. That was no longer an option. I would have to find a way to deal with the pain I was carrying with me. 

I worked for 2 years on myself and didn't have one drink and I got my kids back. That wasn't all me. It was God. I have always known it is God who keeps me sober. Once I start trying to take control of the situation back from Him, that is when I will fail. I gave it to Him and I believe that is where it will stay. As long as I leave it there. 

I won't say these 4 years have been all easy. I have had a couple very brief moments in the past where I thought, "I really wish I could have a drink right now." But it is always replaced with "but I can't have A drink." I have questioned whether I am a full blown alcoholic or was I a problem drinker. I was seriously depressed and I began using alcohol as a form of medication. It only intensified my depression. But was I just drinking so much because I was so depressed and things in my life weren't good? Could I handle it now? Could I have one drink? Could I drink if I stayed away from the hard stuff? I'm in a better place now, maybe it was just circumstances? 

But maybe it wasn't. And it just isn't worth the risk. It isn't worth losing my kids over for good just to try it, hoping for the best. It doesn't matter if I was just a problem drinker and I am healed now. As far as everyone and their mom is concerned, I'm an alcoholic. If anyone thought I had even one measly wine cooler, I would be called a drunk and I would have my kids taken and people would be talking more than they already do. Even if it really was only one drink. It doesn't matter. 

I've worked too hard to get where I am. Even if nobody gives me credit for what I have done, I know what I have done and been through. I quit drinking cold turkey. Yes, I had to, if I ever wanted to see my kids again. But some people lose their kids and that isn't enough to make them stop what they are doing. They might want to but they can't. It is a choice, but isn't that simple for everyone. 

We aren't all the same. We all have a different and unique story. I don't like alcoholics and addicts being lumped into a stereotypical category. We are the same in some ways and so completely different in others. It would be wise for counselors to realize that.

I am going to use this blog to write about this subject as well as self healing. Not self medicating, but self healing. I am going to go a bit of a different route with this blog, but I will stick with the recovery niche. I will write the story of how I got here and I hope it helps another struggling mother. My opinions might not be conventional, and I'm not a specialist, a counselor or doctor. Just someone who's been there. I hope I can offer something on the subject.

I write at Transforming Serenity and that is my priority blog, but I will start making this blog more of a priority as well. I want to have a sense of humor here, because you have to in some situations. So don't be offended. I plan to be very honest about my thoughts on things. I've done some shitty things in my life and I've had a lot of shitty things happen to me. If you are interested and read, thank you. 

Commitment To This Sober Life

What a year this has been. It's been pretty crazy since this time last year. My kids are living with me every other week and with their dad on the weeks in between. It is going much better since the last time I wrote about it, though there are still challenges. 

My kids are great. I am so happy that they are with me. The years I spent not having them in my custody, due to my alcohol abuse, was unbearable. They are my light. My serenity. I am my happiest (and possibly most stressed:)), when I am near them. My oldest, Logan, just turned 13. I can't believe I am the mother of a teenager. I can't be that old, can I? My daughter, Kyla, is 11, my middle son, Rhyce, is 8 (almost 9), and my youngest son, Nathan, is 5. He is in booster kindergarten now. Having them back home has been an adjustment on everyone, but it has been very good. We are happy. 

I celebrated 3 years of sobriety in February. It is a bittersweet time whenever my sobriety date comes around, because the day prior to it was the absolute worst date of my life. My sobriety date is not a good memory-waking up on a cold jail floor, with no memory of why the hell I was there to begin with. But I choose to think of it in a positive way instead of negative, or I'll drive myself mad. I think of it as the day the Lord truly saved me. He saved me from my worst demon. Myself.

I would say that alcohol is my worst demon but I know that alcohol was just an after effect. The real demon was what was going on inside of me that I just wanted to block out. And that is where the alcohol found it's place in my life. Or I found alcohol, however you want to word it. Either way, alcohol and I just don't mix.

After all this time, for me, alcohol is a distant thought. I don't think this is a fact for all those in recovery and I consider myself lucky...or saved. Or I'm just damned determined to have a better life and give my children the best mom they could have. I think about alcohol every single day, but not in the way people might assume I think about it. I don't think about drinking. I haven't had a real craving for alcohol since I was 7 months sober and the craving was so strong and overwhelming I am amazed I resisted. It lasted for a whole week and I fought through it hard. But, knock on wood, it hasn't come back. I am not foolish enough to convince myself that it never will. And that is how I think of alcohol daily. I remind myself of what could happen. I sometimes wonder if the feeling, the want, craving or need is just lying dormant for now, waiting until I am completely off guard and unaware and then it'll just sneak up and pounce. I know it can happen. Even the seemingly strongest old timer in AA is not immune to relapse. I have seen it myself and I keep that in mind any time I want to get all cocky about my sobriety. 

I believe 100% that I was saved. I felt then and I feel now that God rescued me from whatever it was that caused me to basically give up on everything and turn towards binging on alcohol. But God didn't make this road easy on me, by any means. I did get lucky in the fact that I got back what I lost, what was most important to me. I KNOW that I was given a third chance and I KNOW that I won't get a fourth. This is it for me. No more chances and that is enough right now, today, to keep me sober. I meditate on that fact and I feel blessed. As frustrating as it is hoping that other people will notice the change that I feel inside, I know what I have done and that has to be enough. I know what my inner struggles have been and I am proud of what I have accomplished these past few years. My accomplishments are not ones that can be measured by another persons standards because the battle I have fought is from within. And unless you were right there walking through the flames of alcoholism with me, you could never understand my story of survival or the pain I caused. I am back to being myself again. My old self before alcohol. An older, heavier, sleepier version of my old self! JK. Not everyone chooses to see that, but I don't feel I owe anyone a thing, other than my kids. That is hard for some people to hear. But it's the truth. 

It hasn't been all roses this past year, as I have mentioned. Since August, my marriage has been on the rocks. In my opinion, it has been on the rocks since about 5 or 6 months after we got married, but he only just realized it in August. Now all hell has broken lose upon me. I have lived an absolute nightmare for 7 months, with brief moments of reprieve. Granted, it has gotten a bit better the past month or so and the fights are few between, but I feel I am constantly on guard, defensive, waiting for that switch.

I can't even begin to explain all that has gone on in our relationship. It is so confusing and heartbreaking because I thought he was soul-mate, as cliché as that sounds. I thought he was perfect for me. I know that no relationship is perfect, but the things that have gone on are way past that. It's not what I signed up for. And I never vowed to obey anyone. 
I have a lot of anger and disappointment and just plain sadness over this subject and it will come up in other posts I'm sure. I am processing it. Writing has always helped me sort through shit. It's always been an outlet and my way of expressing who I am. But I haven't been able to use writing the way I've always wanted to because I always have to be concerned that those close to me will flip out. People don't like when you publish personal stuff that might put them in a negative light and I don't blame anyone for that. I don't care what most people think to some degree, but when you live with someone, you don't want to be bitched out about everything under the sun. For being who you are and doing what you need to do.

We are working through our problems and I have a little hope still, but I have closed myself off a lot. I have been pushed to that point in every way. I'm not a quitter when it comes to relationships, I love him, but he's made things as hard on me as possible and I just don't understand him. I'm not perfect in this relationship either, but I've never tried to hurt him the way he's internationally hurt me. So now what? We'll just have to see, I guess.

Getting sober doesn't magically fix all of life's shit. If only it were that simple. You have to put in effort and do the work and sometimes it sucks. The fact that I am still sober after everything I have endured these past months should be a testament to my determination and what anyone can do if they are determined enough. You have to want it badly enough. And I won't risk my sobriety, my life or my children's for anyone or anything. Not ever again. I am completely committed to my sober life. And what's meant to be will be. 

New Beginnings and Second Chances

Shared custody of my kids starts 1-18-13. I am so happy! They will be back with me every other week. It has been 2 years since they have lived with me and that was only a few months. It was a year before that. It's been since Sept. 2009 since I had full custody of my kids. They are happy and excited, too.

I admit I am a little stressed. Most of that stress is because my ex still wants to control everything I do and my kids do when he has no say what goes on when it's my week. He thinks because he pays for most of the daycare and school that that means he is in charge. It won't be that way and he and I are going to butt heads, unless he backs off. I won't put up with his crap any more. Things won't be like they were last time. 

My kids are my first priority, despite what their dad thinks and says. His wife and her mom are already running their mouths in front of the kids about stuff. The kids tell me all the time that they are saying bad things about me. I know I can't let it get to me. I don't care what they or anyone thinks of me, but they don't need to express their opinions in front of my kids. It makes the kids feel bad when someone is saying mean things about their mom. They should be thinking of the best interest of the kids and not getting at me.

It might take a little time for us to get in a routine. But I know it will work out. If I can just stay calm with the ex and not let him push my buttons, it'll be fine. 

I am just so ready for them to be home. I've been waiting for this moment a long time. It is finally here.

I am coming up on 2 years of sobriety. That feels amazing. Even though I am stressed, I am sober and I believe fully that I will stay sober. 

I ran into my old counselor from treatment last weekend. She helped me through a very rough time in my life. She was the best counselor I have ever had. She had been through addiction before, so she knew what it was like. She said it like it was, but was caring also. She told me she had postpartum depression and relapsed. I felt really bad for her. 

I know how postpartum depression can be. It is hard. I had it, worse with each child. After my third baby, it was the worst. I felt like I was literally going crazy. But hearing her just reminded me that no alcoholic or addict is incapable of relapsing. Even the person who seems the strongest in their recovery can still relapse. We all have our struggles in life and we all have another relapse in us. But we don't all have another recovery in us. I know I don't. It's prison or death for me. I do stupid shit when I drink and every relapse is worse than it was before I quit.

I believe my old counselor will be okay. I hope. It sucks seeing someone you look up to stumble or fall, but it happens to the best of us. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Nobody is perfect and I think it would be nice to see more compassion from people. Some people think they are perfect and like to point out other peoples faults. They forget that not too long ago they made a mistake or did something they wish they didn't do. Maybe it wasn't as big a mistake as the ones I've made or someone else, but they've messed up non the less.

So lets try showing some compassion to others today. You never know who you'll come into contact with that might really need it and how you could positively impact a persons life. Don't judge a book by it's cover and don't judge a person because you heard something about them. Give them a chance and get to know them for yourself. That is what I am going to work on. I will attempt not to judge those who judge me. I will attempt to give them a chance to get to know me and show them why not everything they have heard is the truth.

Until next time, have a wonderful week.

God's Will Be Done

"God's will not mine," is something I've heard said a lot. Especially in treatment. Any time somebody would get pissed off at someone else, that would be their response. It's something you say and you think you really mean it, but do you? What does that mean anyway? When you say "God's will be done," are you following it up with, "but please, just give me what I want?" I know I have.

For the past year and a half, I've wanted a couple things so badly; to win the lottery...duh...and most importantly, my children. I have given up on the lottery, but I pray for my kids every day. In the beginning of all of this, I didn't really care what God's will was, to be honest; I just wanted my kids. It took making a choice to get to know my Higher Power on another level to start feeling differently. Gradually building a stronger relationship with my Lord, to realize that He wants good things for my life. He wants good things for my children's lives. I believe that and I have hope in that, no matter how difficult things can be.

I used to ask, "Why, God, why? Why did you let this happen?" I believe I know now. After reading countless books on spirituality, books about God and Heaven; reading Scripture, anything I can find on the internet, and after so much soul searching, I have gradually figured it out. I believe with all my heart, it is so I would become stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So I would get over myself and my selfishness (I still have my selfish moments), and come back to Him. He figuratively slapped me in the face with reality and said, "wake up! Look what you are doing to yourself and to your kids. You're life can be so much better, if you just put your faith in Me." I know I am supposed to help people, with my story; my experiences.

I used to ask, "why is it that certain other people can drink to their hearts content, and act like complete idiots? They are clearly alcoholics, yet they never get into any trouble? But when I start drinking, I get into all sorts of stupid trouble and get arrested and shit. That's not fair, why do they keep getting away with it and I don't?" I actually did ask that question while having a conversation with my husband and the very instant it left my mouth, I was hit with the answer. Like a voice from Heaven, I heard, "Because I have a better plan for your life. I allowed you to fall hard, so that I could lift you up." I, seriously, broke down in tears. I finally had my eyes open.

I still get all emotional when I think about that moment. It changed a lot for me. No, it wasn't an overnight, "everything is perfect now" change. It was just the beginning.It gave me renewed hope. That's when I began to accept God's will for my life, whatever that was. I still struggled with giving up control. But that truly is what "God's will be done" means. Accepting that you are not in control of your own destiny. God is. If you're fighting for control of your own life and everyone else's and everything around you, as I was, you're not living for God's will. His will is not always my will. I still catch myself thinking and saying things like, "I'm in charge of my life, nobody else controls me." Then that still small voice says, "no, I'm in control." I know if I take that control back out of God's loving hands and into my own, I am doomed. I will end up back down the path I was on. Drunk, self-destructive, destroying everything I love and have worked so hard to gain. I know there may come difficult times; God never promised to make life easy. But I know that true peace and happiness will come from my relationship with Him.

Now, when I say, "God's will be done," I truly mean it, because I know He has a perfect plan already laid out for me. As long as I trust in Him, everything will work out, according to that plan. When I begin to stray, He will pull me back to Him, somehow, some way. With that knowledge, I have peace.





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Beautiful Gifts From God

I had my kids Friday evening for my visit. See, I don't have custody of my kids right now because of  my past alcoholism. I am getting closer to getting them back home. It's been a long hard struggle; harder than it would be for most people in this situation simply because I have had someone fighting against me every step of the way. But I won't get into that this post.

I had a wonderful visit. My kids are always so happy when they are with me. We play; I feed them. Our routine is mainly me feeding them supper and later a snack I show my love for people by feeding them. My kids have come to expect and look forward to the meals and snacks as much as seeing me. I try to give them something new and fun each time.

My youngest, N, is almost 4. He is so little. He eats like a horse, though, and when he eats a lot, he gets so hyper. I have never seen anything like it. It doesn't have to be a sugar filled meal; I try to feed them healthy. But he gets so goofy and wound up. He was laying on his stomach doing these back bends, touching his feet to his head, and next thing I know, he has his little foot touching his mouth. He thought it was so funny, and it probably didn't help that my husband, mom and I were laughing so hard. I was crying. I've said it before, he is my silly, little guy. I just love him to death. I was going to get a pic, but he decided he ate too much his tummy hurt.

My beautiful daughter, K and I painted each others fingernails. It is those moments that I miss on a daily basis because of the choices I made. She wants to come back home, she tells me all the time. So does N and R, my 7 year old. He wants to be with me so badly. He can be himself with me and he doesn't have to "behave" a certain way.

 L, my oldest at 11, sometimes mentions coming home, but he is at that age. He is the one I hurt during my blackout, so I know he has mixed emotions. Once we finally get into family therapy, hopefully the healing will begin. Sometimes I can tell he wants to come home, but he has reservations, which is understandable, considering. It's the anxiety I talked about in my post "How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children." It hurts, but I don't blame him at all. Each visit with him is different. One day, he is affectionate and the next, he's distant and irritable. He is at the age where that is typical, so I try not to take it too personally. I am stepping lightly with him, while still trying to be a parent.

My kids are everything to me. They are so amazing. Every mother knows how I feel. I don't deserve them, but they are mine. My children. My beautiful gifts from God, who loved me enough to bless me with those living miracles. I have taken my role as mother for granted and for that I will always feel guilty. But the whole situation I created has taught me a lot. Don't ever take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate every moment you have with them; if you don't you'll forever regret it. Love your children and be patient with them. Hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them. And most importantly, show them you love them.


Related Posts:
Meet My Kids
My Soul Mate, My Angel
My Choice to Forgive
17 Months Sober


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Meet My Kids

   I was with my kids this evening. I'm still in this court battle over them, but things are looking up. I absolutely adore them. I have missed out on so much because of this addiction. Alcohol took so much from me, and more importantly, my babies. I can't even begin to explain how it kills me having to leave them. Knowing I caused this because I couldn't stop what I was doing. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. 

      Sometimes I wonder how I could have ever let anything come between us. I know I was sick. It's so hard to imagine now that I have been sober all this time, ever letting anything or anyone come between or above my love for them.

 

     They are so amazing. There are 4 of them. I'll just use their first initial when referring to them. L is my 11 year old. He is very in to sports, especially football. Watching him play makes me so proud. K is 9, almost 10. She is turning into such a young lady. She's my girl. Then R, my 7 year old. He's my little sunshine. And N, almost 4. He's my sweet, silly guy. I am so lucky. I love them so much. I want to spend every moment with them. I have a lot of lost time to make up for. They are just absolutely amazing.

     I took a lot for granted. But I am enjoying and appreciating every moment I have with them now. I am completely present when we are together, however, they pretty much fight for my attention. They all want to talk to me at the same time. 

     I know L and I have a lot of work ahead of us, repairing our relationship. As long as there is no more interference, I know it will work out. I love him so much. I love them all and I just want to be there for them. I am their mom and nothing will ever change that. And they know it.

Huffy Berserk 20-In. Boys Bike

Razor Dirt Quad - Children's Ride-ons

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Drunk Dreams

Me and Nathan

     Every now and then I wake up sweating and scared to death because of a dream I had. It doesn't happen all that often anymore, but during my first 6 to 9 months sober, it happened a handful of times. In the dreams I am either drinking, drunk or planning to get drunk. My kids find my stash of vodka and the fear I have of losing my kids is so real. In these dreams I will say things like "what am I doing, I'm never going to see my kids again."

     It seems like I have these dreams during a time when I am feeling so strong in my sobriety. I have no thoughts about alcohol what-so-ever. So why do these dream just come out of nowhere? I think it is God's way of reminding me that it is a continual process. Maybe I am getting too comfortable and the Good Lord does not want me to forget how far I've come and to never go back to that place. While those dreams terrify me and make feel horrible, I have to say a prayer of thanks for the reminder. I am reminded not to forget who is really in control of my life and my sobriety and that is my Heavenly Father. So I am grateful for those drunk dreams.