Doing the research for this post was a bit painful, as I could see the effects in my own children. I know it is a necessary part of healing my family, though. My children and I haven't yet been able to work through all the details of my alcohol addiction and how it affected them, because we have been kept from getting counseling by their father. But we are finally getting there. My hope is that my children don't succumb to this disease.
Statistics say that children of alcoholics are 4 times more likely than non-COA's to become alcoholics. And that boys are at higher risk than girls.
It is estimated that 6.6 million children under age 18 live in a household with at least 1 alcoholic parent. And 1 in 5 American adults have lived with an alcoholic growing up. More than 43% of the population has been exposed to alcoholism in the family; 28 million Americans have seen at least 1 parent suffer. That's crazy.
Alcoholism runs in families. I have 3 boys and 1 girl. Their mom is a recovering alcoholic and their dad has abused alcohol regularly, their hole lives and to this day. Their paternal grandparents are alcoholics. They have been exposed to it more times than I can count; more than any child should ever be. No child should be exposed to alcoholism, period, but that's the world we live in. The statistics are scary. And sad. I'm not sure what my excuse is, though, because I was never exposed to any alcohol abuse growing up. While I believe I have alcoholic or recovering family members, no one in my immediate family drinks. My exposure began with my children's father, but as an adult.
The psychological impact on children includes
feelings of:
- Guilt, where they believe they are the cause;
- Anxiety- they are constantly worried about the parent and what is going to happen;
- Embarrassment- the child is too ashamed to have friends over;
- Unable to trust or have close relationships;
- Confusion- the alcoholic parent is unpredictable, going from loving and kind to angry, for no apparent reason. There is no set schedule or routine, which children need.
- Anger
- Depression- child feels lonely and helpless.
Looking back, I can see so much of this in my children during my drinking period. I still see some signs of it. I think anxiety was one of the biggest. They never knew if when they got home from school, it was going to be a good day or a bad day.
Other signs and behaviors of COA:
- Failure in school
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| photo by Tonya Marie |
- Withdrawal-lack of friends
- Delinquent behavior- stealing, fighting, lying;
- Frequent physical complaints, like headaches, stomachaches;
- Drug or alcohol abuse;
- Risk taking behaviors;
- Aggression toward other kids;
- Depression or suicidal thoughts.
Some go the opposite direction and develop obsessive compulsive disorder and have a need to be perfect. Some children have the family role of "hero," where they take care of the parent and the other children. They are overachievers. This is usually the eldest child. There are other family roles as well.
It is important for adults to recognize the signs so that they can reach out and help. (Most can see the signs but might be unsure of the cause.) It is hard for me to say that because I think a lot of people just want to play the hero and swoop in and take children from their home, instead of helping the whole family to get help and stay together. It is not easy on children to be taken out of their home either; that is very painful. But in some cases, it is the only option. The children are the most important thing and if the parent won't get help...
While some children go on to become alcoholics, others don't. Some suffer negative consequences due to a parents' alcoholism, a larger portion function well and don't develope serious problems. The children who don't, seem to have other adults in their lives who offer positive attention. They have good communication skills, average intelligence, they have a caring attitude, a desire to achieve, and belief in self help. My husband is one of those children. He does not drink and he had family he could rely on. My children had my parents during my alcoholism and have offered them a sense of normalcy through it all.
Alcoholism hurts our children, plain and simple. I was in such denial about how it was affecting my kids. I as in denial about my addiction altogether. Even now that I am sober, they are living with the aftermath of it, as am I. Not only that, they are still being exposed to it in another home, (which is very frustrating!) It is hard for me to relate to what they are going through emotionally, because I did not grow up around it. I am only beginning to grasp their pain. And it kills me knowing that I caused it.
Professional help is crucial. It is important for the kids to be able to speak about their feelings and to be reassured that what their parent has done is not in any way their fault. If the parent has gotten sober, it is important for them to have family therapy. It could be a long process. The parent has to earn or re-earn their child's trust. That takes time. It won't happen over night; it could take years. Patience is very important.
I wish that nobody had to experience the pain of this disease. Education is important. So many people continue to suffer, and we need to help any way we can. There is help out there and plenty of kind, non-judgmental people willing to help. I am thankful my children have their mother back, but I know that they may still have fear and anxiety about whether or not I will drink again. My continued sobriety is something I will have to show them. I plan to show them that people can and do change if they really want it and work at it. I plan to show them that people can recover from this disease and the mistakes that come with it.
UPDATE: My children and I have since had counseling and I now share custody with their dad. I know that there will always be some feelings and questions there, but we have rebuilt trust. It takes time, but with consistency and patience, that trust can be rebuilt. Just keep doing the next right thing; for yourself and your kids.
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Resourses: AACAP;
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