God's Will Be Done

"God's will not mine," is something I've heard said a lot. Especially in treatment. Any time somebody would get pissed off at someone else, that would be their response. It's something you say and you think you really mean it, but do you? What does that mean anyway? When you say "God's will be done," are you following it up with, "but please, just give me what I want?" I know I have.

For the past year and a half, I've wanted a couple things so badly; to win the lottery...duh...and most importantly, my children. I have given up on the lottery, but I pray for my kids every day. In the beginning of all of this, I didn't really care what God's will was, to be honest; I just wanted my kids. It took making a choice to get to know my Higher Power on another level to start feeling differently. Gradually building a stronger relationship with my Lord, to realize that He wants good things for my life. He wants good things for my children's lives. I believe that and I have hope in that, no matter how difficult things can be.

I used to ask, "Why, God, why? Why did you let this happen?" I believe I know now. After reading countless books on spirituality, books about God and Heaven; reading Scripture, anything I can find on the internet, and after so much soul searching, I have gradually figured it out. I believe with all my heart, it is so I would become stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So I would get over myself and my selfishness (I still have my selfish moments), and come back to Him. He figuratively slapped me in the face with reality and said, "wake up! Look what you are doing to yourself and to your kids. You're life can be so much better, if you just put your faith in Me." I know I am supposed to help people, with my story; my experiences.

I used to ask, "why is it that certain other people can drink to their hearts content, and act like complete idiots? They are clearly alcoholics, yet they never get into any trouble? But when I start drinking, I get into all sorts of stupid trouble and get arrested and shit. That's not fair, why do they keep getting away with it and I don't?" I actually did ask that question while having a conversation with my husband and the very instant it left my mouth, I was hit with the answer. Like a voice from Heaven, I heard, "Because I have a better plan for your life. I allowed you to fall hard, so that I could lift you up." I, seriously, broke down in tears. I finally had my eyes open.

I still get all emotional when I think about that moment. It changed a lot for me. No, it wasn't an overnight, "everything is perfect now" change. It was just the beginning.It gave me renewed hope. That's when I began to accept God's will for my life, whatever that was. I still struggled with giving up control. But that truly is what "God's will be done" means. Accepting that you are not in control of your own destiny. God is. If you're fighting for control of your own life and everyone else's and everything around you, as I was, you're not living for God's will. His will is not always my will. I still catch myself thinking and saying things like, "I'm in charge of my life, nobody else controls me." Then that still small voice says, "no, I'm in control." I know if I take that control back out of God's loving hands and into my own, I am doomed. I will end up back down the path I was on. Drunk, self-destructive, destroying everything I love and have worked so hard to gain. I know there may come difficult times; God never promised to make life easy. But I know that true peace and happiness will come from my relationship with Him.

Now, when I say, "God's will be done," I truly mean it, because I know He has a perfect plan already laid out for me. As long as I trust in Him, everything will work out, according to that plan. When I begin to stray, He will pull me back to Him, somehow, some way. With that knowledge, I have peace.





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Beautiful Gifts From God

I had my kids Friday evening for my visit. See, I don't have custody of my kids right now because of  my past alcoholism. I am getting closer to getting them back home. It's been a long hard struggle; harder than it would be for most people in this situation simply because I have had someone fighting against me every step of the way. But I won't get into that this post.

I had a wonderful visit. My kids are always so happy when they are with me. We play; I feed them. Our routine is mainly me feeding them supper and later a snack I show my love for people by feeding them. My kids have come to expect and look forward to the meals and snacks as much as seeing me. I try to give them something new and fun each time.

My youngest, N, is almost 4. He is so little. He eats like a horse, though, and when he eats a lot, he gets so hyper. I have never seen anything like it. It doesn't have to be a sugar filled meal; I try to feed them healthy. But he gets so goofy and wound up. He was laying on his stomach doing these back bends, touching his feet to his head, and next thing I know, he has his little foot touching his mouth. He thought it was so funny, and it probably didn't help that my husband, mom and I were laughing so hard. I was crying. I've said it before, he is my silly, little guy. I just love him to death. I was going to get a pic, but he decided he ate too much his tummy hurt.

My beautiful daughter, K and I painted each others fingernails. It is those moments that I miss on a daily basis because of the choices I made. She wants to come back home, she tells me all the time. So does N and R, my 7 year old. He wants to be with me so badly. He can be himself with me and he doesn't have to "behave" a certain way.

 L, my oldest at 11, sometimes mentions coming home, but he is at that age. He is the one I hurt during my blackout, so I know he has mixed emotions. Once we finally get into family therapy, hopefully the healing will begin. Sometimes I can tell he wants to come home, but he has reservations, which is understandable, considering. It's the anxiety I talked about in my post "How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children." It hurts, but I don't blame him at all. Each visit with him is different. One day, he is affectionate and the next, he's distant and irritable. He is at the age where that is typical, so I try not to take it too personally. I am stepping lightly with him, while still trying to be a parent.

My kids are everything to me. They are so amazing. Every mother knows how I feel. I don't deserve them, but they are mine. My children. My beautiful gifts from God, who loved me enough to bless me with those living miracles. I have taken my role as mother for granted and for that I will always feel guilty. But the whole situation I created has taught me a lot. Don't ever take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate every moment you have with them; if you don't you'll forever regret it. Love your children and be patient with them. Hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them. And most importantly, show them you love them.


Related Posts:
Meet My Kids
My Soul Mate, My Angel
My Choice to Forgive
17 Months Sober


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