Where Have I Been? Still Sober

Hello! I haven't written here in so long. I just wanted to leave a quick update on what has been happening in my life. I have been sober since 2-6-11, almost 7 years and 7 months. Things are going well.

My 2 middle boys live with me every other week and their dad every other week. My daughter lives with me full time and my oldest son lives with his dad full time. I see him on weekends. He's almost 18! I can not believe it.

I am a small business owner. I am in internet sales. A reseller to be specific. I love it. I've been doing it since Jan 2014. I've been full time, going hard core since Jan 2016. I wish I would have started a long time ago. It's the most fulfilling job I've ever had, I used to be a caregiver. I have been so unbelievably busy, that is why I don't really write anymore.

I just wanted to drop a line or 2 in case anyone stumbles upon this blog and wonders if I must have relapsed or something since I haven't been posting. No, I have not relapsed. I rarely ever thing about alcohol. I'm doing very well, very busy. Life is good. I still have stress and anxiety in my life, like most people, but I am handling it without alcohol. I am happily sober!

It is possible to go through a few rough years where you use alcohol as a crutch and make a million horrible mistakes and then get sober and stay sober. It isn't always easy, but you can do it!

A Little Encouragement For the Alcoholic

Hey. It's been a long time since I've been here. I haven't written much at all, here or on my other blog. I've been busy with other things and haven't made the time to write. I do this all the time, though. I vow to write more, then you never hear from me again. 

My Facebook Page Supporting Alcoholics In Recovery has had quite a bit of likes over the past few months. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe because I changes the name a few months ago from Alcoholics in Recovery to Supporting Alcoholics In Recovery? I've had this page for at least 2 or 3 years, so the sudden interest is nice. I wish that when I started it I had made it maybe a closed group so people would feel more comfortable sharing. But I didn't really know anything about Facebook groups, communities or pages when I started it. I was just winging it. Maybe I can change it or create a new group. That will take up a bit of time, though, moderating (is that a word?) 

Robert Downey Jr. is an inspiration to me.

I started this blog for many reasons, but one reason was to offer some encouragement to others. I don't know how much help I could be to people or how much advise I can actually offer. I'm not a counselor or anything like that. All I can do is tell my story and what my experience is. 

I really just wanted people, especially women and mothers, to know they aren't alone. I felt so alone for the years I was an active alcoholic. Nobody understood what I was going through. People thought I could just make a choice to quit. "If you really loved your kids..." they would say. It's not that simple. 

In treatment there was a sign hanging on the wall, a sign that I hated at the time and didn't understand. It said, "There's nothing stronger than a mothers love...except addiction." I understand it now. I loved my kids more than anything and I would do anything for them. I would have died for them. But I could not stop drinking. I wanted to. I attempted to multiple times. But the craving and the need for alcohol always overcame my best efforts. Nobody understood what I was going through, even I didn't really understand it.

My point is, if I have a point, is that every now and then I am reminded of what I went through and the feelings I had during my drinking days and during early recovery. Being reminded makes me want to get back to my original goal - offering hope and encouragement. I am grateful that people are finding my page and I hope I can offer encouragement along the way, even if people aren't comfortable engaging. Maybe I will start a support group on Facebook. That will take some serious thought, though. Alcoholism isn't a daily thought for me anymore and I'm not sure I want it to be. I realize that isn't the case for a lot of people in recovery. It's all they might think about. Especially early recovery. I feel lucky for the fact that I can go about my day to day without obsessing over alcohol. But I can't say that I never think about it. I can't say there aren't times when I wish I could be like other people in terms of drinking. But I've accepted I can't. 

A few weeks ago, I was at a football game. We had box seats that were shared with some people we didn't know. I was making my food at the counter and there was a huge bottle of Vodka sitting there, which was my drink of choice. I had no desire, craving or anything for it. I actually felt a bit nauseated by it. I say that not to brag, but to offer hope. At one time, Vodka consumed me as much as I consumed it. Now, I can be in the same room with it and feel nothing but disgust. 

Life is good. God is good. Change is possible for those who really want it. And please don't wait until you hit rock bottom to stop drinking. Bottom could be the death of someone innocent, or even yourself.

Please follow my page (links above). It's for anyone in recovery, struggling with recovery, wanting to get sober or for those with loved ones in recovery or still struggling. It is meant to be a supportive place to find encouragement and hope, to give and receive. 

Being Humble In Recovery

Being humble in recover isn't always easy. Sometimes you want to justify your actions and behaviors or you want to blame other people for your actions because they treated you bad or lied about you or whatever the case. It's easy to let pride stand in the way of admitting to others and ourselves what we have done wrong. Maybe those people really did do things to hurt you and the stress and pain led you down the path of alcoholism. But the fact is that we make our own decisions. Nobody forces us to do anything (in most cases). 

Part of recovery is making changes to our personality. Probably the most important change is to humble ourselves. Not only in recovery, but in life. God says very clearly to be humble. We need to humble ourselves before Him to allow Him into our hearts. But we should also humble ourselves before others to allow them into our hearts and our lives. 

Quote from Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional.

People can try our patience and cause us to become defensive in the life of recovery. Sometimes they aren't willing to forgive our mistakes, despite the positive changes and progress we are making. Sometimes being humble means staying quiet. People will say hurtful things and sometimes they refuse to see or acknowledge our growth. It hurts, but we can't allow others to dictate how we behave anymore. We need to be humble. We can state clearly that the past is behind us and we are moving forward and hope our loved ones will one day see for themselves. But we need to fight the urge to become defensive, as hard as it can be.

Part of being humble is helping others. When we see others who are down and out or are trying to make positive life choices, we help in whatever way we can. Help a neighbor or a single mother or a child with whatever task they are working on. When we help others, we help ourselves. It feels good to offer kindness and we should expect nothing in return. This isn't only the way in recovery, but the Christian way. It's the way Christ told us to live. Be a servant of the Lord.




It's important for me to stop and think about these things sometimes. Life tends to get in the way of us doing what we know we should be doing. That's why having a good devotional is important. I pulled out my Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional the other day. It is by far the best devotional I have. It offers a paragraph for the alcoholic in recovery - a daily thought. It also offers a meditation for the day - a paragraph pertaining to our relationship with God. Then it has a prayer for the day - a paragraph for us to think about throughout the day. 

My devotional has been well loved!

My devotional was given to me about 6 years ago, when I first attempted to get sober, by a nice woman in AA. As I've mentioned, I no longer go to AA. I haven't in over 3 1/2 years. So I don't know what ever happened to her. I have other methods of staying sober; getting in touch with my Higher Power is the main way for me. This devotional is amazing. Even the non-alcoholic could appreciate this book. We all have personality or character defects that cause us to do things or behave in a way that isn't the best and we should be addressing those defects. This book helps us look at ourselves in a new way. I love it. I hadn't read it about a year or so, so I'm making a fresh start. Today's thoughts on being humble was inspired by this book.

You can read more about being humble in the Bible. 

                                    1 Peter 5:6 says 

                                                            "Humble yourselves, therefore, 
                                                              under the mighty hand of God 
                                                              so that at the proper time he  
                                                                        may exalt you,"

                                   Philippians 2:3-11 says:

                                                            "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit,
                                                             but in humility count others more significant than                                                                              yourselves.
                                                             Let each of you look not only to his own interests, 
                                                             but also to the interests of others.
                                                             Have this mind among yourselves,
                                                             which is yours in Christ Jesus, who,
                                                             though he was in the form of God,
                                                             did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
                                                             but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,
                                                             being born in the likeness of men..."

Ask yourself, "have I been humbling myself before God and man?" I know I could do better myself. 

What are your thoughts on humility?
                                                               

Remaking This Blog & Thoughts On Recovery

I have been thinking about this blog off and on for a while. This blog was my first and writing here was very therapeutic for me during the most difficult time of my life. But once I felt like I had gotten my life together, I didn't feel I needed to write here anymore.

I have been sober for over 4 years. February 6 is my sobriety date. It came and went without a thought until about a day or two later. I don't know what exactly that means. I have been sober longer than what I would consider to be in full on alcohol addiction. I drank off and on for several years, but the hard core drinking only lasted a couple years, with very brief periods of sobriety, or being dry.

I don't live the kind of sober life that most people in recovery do. I don't go to AA meetings and I haven't been to one since my 6 month anniversary. The meeting in my town is not for me. Some of the "old-timers" are not for me. I wasn't ready to open up - I have a lot of social anxiety. I don't like speaking in front of groups of people - until I get comfortable with them. Some of the people in this meeting didn't want to give me that time and space to get comfortable enough to trust and open up. So, after one humiliating meeting, I never returned. 

I have nothing against meetings at all. I think in very early recovery meetings can be the difference between having a drink and not having a drink. But for me personally, I always left a meeting wanting a drink more than I did before I went to one. 

I haven't had any strong desire to have a drink in years. It is not something I think about. Alcohol is not on my mind on a regular basis. I am pretty much only reminded of it when I see it. When I see drunk people on t.v., particularly reality shows, like on MTV or Bravo, I am reminded of why I no longer drink. Drunk people are stupid and annoying. No offense, of course. I took stupid and annoying to a whole new level. I was an insane drunk. 

So, why am I back here? I don't drink. I don't have a desire to drink. I don't go to AA and I no longer read the Big Book. I haven't put much effort into the actual recovery process. I just worked on my own personal issues that led me to drink. So why come back? This blog did become a niche blog, despite my intentions to not be. It's kind of hard not to be in the recovery niche when your blog name is My Life Sober, amirite? I write a less nichey blog, so what am I doing writing this post now? I guess I feel like there is unfinished business on this blog. I feel like there are people out there who might need some inspiration. I realize that sounds a bit arrogant and that isn't my intention. I wish when I was first recovering, there was a blog out there written by someone I could relate to. 

 I still have plenty of thoughts on alcoholism and addiction. The problem is that my views and opinions are based off of MY OWN experiences. My personal experience, my experience in rehab - three times to be exact; one inpatient, 2 outpatient. My brief stays in jail due to drunken arrests and my experience dealing with people who are battling their own demons. Because it's based mostly off experience and not something I was taught in "substance abuse school," some people might not like my opinions. But I'm not writing for those people. 

One opinion I have is that substance abuse counselors should be in recovery themselves. During my 3 times in rehab, I had 6 different counselors. Tell me that's not f'd up. I have had counselors that have never been an alcoholic or addict. I've had counselors who were hard core addicts, but were in recovery and working their own program. Who do you think I responded to the best? The people who have been where I have been. The woman who knew first hand how I felt losing my children because she too once lost her kids. The woman who showed me first hand that you can be the lowest of the low at the darkest point in your life, then fight your way back up and get your kids back. The woman who called me out in a respectful yet firm manner. The one who listened and didn't assume she knew everything about me simply because I'm an alcoholic and we are "all the same." She knew better than that and she knew that my story isn't the same as the next alcoholic or addict. I have my own story. And she listened and helped me see a better way.

My point is I don't trust many counselors in this area. The ones who get their info from books rather than experience worry me. The ones I have had didn't listen. They felt they knew it all and I knew nothing about myself. They undermined everything I said and believed and when I disagreed with them on their opinions not facts, they would pull out the "you're an alcoholic, you aren't smarter than me" card. They treated us like we had lived our whole lives wrong without ever knowing anything about our lives. I don't respond well to that. I don't know an alcoholic or addict who does. 

I have my own thought on AA. It isn't for everyone and it isn't the only way a person can get and stay sober. It has it's place, but I don't believe it's the end all be all. I know that is controversial in the recovery world because you're taught that AA or CA or NA is the ONLY WAY. It's not. GOD is the only way. Or whatever your higher power is. AA teaches that too but they also treat AA as if it is some higher power and is to be trusted more than God. I've been to some good meetings but people rely more on the meeting than God's power.

I know and have known since about February 6th or 7th, 2011, when I was laying in a jail cell contemplating suicide because I knew I couldn't live with myself and what I had done. I planned to find a way to do it. My kids were better off, right? How could I ever face them again? My babies. My life. I couldn't live with it. But God showed me a better way. He allowed those awful things to happen to give me another chance. No, it shouldn't have happened, but it forced me to realize what I was doing. I hadn't only been hurting myself. I had been hurting my kids. And I had actually hurt my child because of the alcohol. I couldn't kill myself and leave them so many questions and they would always doubt my love for them and maybe even blame themselves. I wouldn't allow that to happen. I was determined to change. I would stop drinking. That was no longer an option. I would have to find a way to deal with the pain I was carrying with me. 

I worked for 2 years on myself and didn't have one drink and I got my kids back. That wasn't all me. It was God. I have always known it is God who keeps me sober. Once I start trying to take control of the situation back from Him, that is when I will fail. I gave it to Him and I believe that is where it will stay. As long as I leave it there. 

I won't say these 4 years have been all easy. I have had a couple very brief moments in the past where I thought, "I really wish I could have a drink right now." But it is always replaced with "but I can't have A drink." I have questioned whether I am a full blown alcoholic or was I a problem drinker. I was seriously depressed and I began using alcohol as a form of medication. It only intensified my depression. But was I just drinking so much because I was so depressed and things in my life weren't good? Could I handle it now? Could I have one drink? Could I drink if I stayed away from the hard stuff? I'm in a better place now, maybe it was just circumstances? 

But maybe it wasn't. And it just isn't worth the risk. It isn't worth losing my kids over for good just to try it, hoping for the best. It doesn't matter if I was just a problem drinker and I am healed now. As far as everyone and their mom is concerned, I'm an alcoholic. If anyone thought I had even one measly wine cooler, I would be called a drunk and I would have my kids taken and people would be talking more than they already do. Even if it really was only one drink. It doesn't matter. 

I've worked too hard to get where I am. Even if nobody gives me credit for what I have done, I know what I have done and been through. I quit drinking cold turkey. Yes, I had to, if I ever wanted to see my kids again. But some people lose their kids and that isn't enough to make them stop what they are doing. They might want to but they can't. It is a choice, but isn't that simple for everyone. 

We aren't all the same. We all have a different and unique story. I don't like alcoholics and addicts being lumped into a stereotypical category. We are the same in some ways and so completely different in others. It would be wise for counselors to realize that.

I am going to use this blog to write about this subject as well as self healing. Not self medicating, but self healing. I am going to go a bit of a different route with this blog, but I will stick with the recovery niche. I will write the story of how I got here and I hope it helps another struggling mother. My opinions might not be conventional, and I'm not a specialist, a counselor or doctor. Just someone who's been there. I hope I can offer something on the subject.

I write at Transforming Serenity and that is my priority blog, but I will start making this blog more of a priority as well. I want to have a sense of humor here, because you have to in some situations. So don't be offended. I plan to be very honest about my thoughts on things. I've done some shitty things in my life and I've had a lot of shitty things happen to me. If you are interested and read, thank you. 

You Can Find Me On My New-Ish Blog

My Life Sober will always be very special to me because it was my first blog. I wrote about some difficult issues I was going through at a difficult time in my life. I haven't been writing much here because I write a new-ish blog Transforming Serenity. It is not alcoholism related, though I've written about my past a bit. It is about my journey trying to live a healthy and positive life. I wanted to write a blog that is true to where I am at in life now. My alcohol problems are part of my past and I am looking forward, while still remembering where I have been. I write about anything and everything there. Writing multiple blogs is getting really difficult. I want to keep my thoughts and posts in the same place as much as possible.So that is where you can find me now. Please come read it. 

I once had a problem with binge drinking. I would never imply that I am cured or healed from the serious disease of alcoholism. But I have been sober almost 4 years. I have stayed sober on my own. I have not gone to meetings, except the first few months. I got to a place where I had to make a choice: continue drinking and lose my kids for good, or stop drinking and change the way I do things. I decided to stop drinking. I know it isn't that simple for most alcoholics.

There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever stop. I was so depressed that I really didn't care and I liked drinking. I didn't like what it did to my kids, but I was in a self-loathing place in my life. Things did fall apart and I hit rock bottom for sure. It could've been worse but it was pretty bad. I woke up and stopped. I haven't had a drink since. There have been a couple times when the thought, "I really want a drink right now" have come to mind. I wish I could drink like normal people. I wish I could have a couple. But I won't.

I've read that most people who drink too much are not actually alcoholics, but problem drinkers that can learn to drink in moderation. I wasn't your typical drunk. I stayed sober for periods of time before drinking again. But when I did drink, I binged. I didn't stop til I couldn't drink any more. I liked drinking. I didn't like waking up with no memory of the night before. I didn't enjoy waking up in jail. I didn't enjoy the pain I caused my kids. But up until the last year of my drinking, I enjoyed it.

Am I an alcoholic? Or am I a problem drinker who drank out of depression and drank too much when I did drink? I'm most likely an alcoholic. I used to drink once in a great while and I knew my limits. But could I control myself right now if I picked it up again? Maybe if I was only drinking beer and stayed away from vodka. But is it worth trying to find out if I could control it again? Not at all. Believe it or not, I'm no fool. It might take me fucking up repeatedly but eventually I learn.

Even if I did decide I could handle it now, because I am in a totally different place in my life - I'm not depressed, I'm not alone, things are great - everyone would be flipping the fuck out if I ever had a beer again. It's not worth scaring the shit out of my loved ones. The risks outweigh the benefits by far.

I never felt like a true alcoholic. I felt like I was lying to and about myself every time I called myself one. I had 3 counselors tell me I didn't fit the mold,  Other than I had gotten into trouble because I was drunk, but that didn't make me an alcoholic. None of my counselors knew how to help me because of that. They don't teach moderation in any of the rehab's I went to. At the time, I didn't need moderation, though. I just needed to quit.

It pisses me off when people who have no business calling me an alcoholic do. It's not for them to make that call. Nobody is going to define me with their labels. It is very rude and disrespectful to call someone something that will define them for the rest of their lives, based solely on their difficult times. People do change. Either you are an alcoholic or you aren't. And for somebody who has no real knowledge of the disease to tell you that you are something is really fucked up. I have always felt that way. I have read and studied so much on the disease and I still couldn't tell you if I am a TRUE alcoholic or if I was just self-medicating my deep depression. If I had come out of that depression before I started drinking would I have become this "alcoholic?" I doubt it.

I definitely know I had a serious problem. I know that if I were to get over confident and take the risk and have a drink, I am taking my life into my own hands. Because I might be able to control it for a period of time and things would seem great and I might think I'm in the clear. But I could just as easily fall on my face and destroy my entire life that I have worked too hard to rebuild. What I fell into depression again, which I often do, and then I lose control of myself again? Is it worth that risk?

I've stayed sober for 4 years without any outside help. I have helped myself  God has helped me stay sober. I firmly believe it is God who has kept me sober and I have to remind myself that. I gave him the problem and here I sit, nearly 4 years after the the WORST DAY of my life, sober, writing about how I may or may not be a true alcoholic. I know how a lot of people answer that. But it's not their place. I'm not asking for opinions on the subject. I have a pet peeve where people voice their opinions on my life and what they think is best for me and think they know me better than I know myself. Nobody knows me better than I know myself, except God, and I know myself way too well. I am capable of seeing the bad and the good. I am pretty clear about the kind of person I am, even when it seems I am questioning and unsure of who I am. That isn't the case. I ask questions of myself about myself and that is when I am able to get honest with myself. Judgmental people who like to tell others what is wrong with them and how to live ought to try it. It is quite eye opening, but it takes some serious guts to focus on your own issues rather than someone else's. I know that there will be people who are judging me right now and assume I am in "relapse mode." I know all the lingo. I assure you, that is not the case.

There have actually been a couple times when it was implied that because I was expressing anger, in a healthy way, mind you, that I was in relapse mode. It's just easier to blow someone's anger off as "she's an alcoholic and wants a drink" rather than "she's a person with feelings and she is expressing her feeling now instead of having a drink." That happens to me all the time. I get pissed off at my sister who stabbed me in the back, figuratively, and I vented on FB and my blog, like everyone does and I am accused of being in relapse mode by someone who claims to be sober 26 years but lives on pain med's and act like an addict. (This was quite a while back.) I'm just sayin'. Focus on your own damn problems and stop trying to "shrink" me. If you aren't a psychiatrist and are not in my life, I have no reason to hear you. I know that sounds a lot like judgement and I am guilty. I don't like hypocrites in recovery. Be honest. That is what I am doing now.

I imagine these are questions people in recovery ask themselves from time to time. I know how I feel about myself and I know enough about myself to know that I can't drink. I can't try to manage it, I can't drink like a non-alcoholic, though a lot of them drink like I used to. I won't give up what I've worked for to put this problem drinker theory to the test. And the last thing I will give anyone is a chance to say "told ya so." No thank you. Remain happily sober I will. I thank God every day for the life I have now and I am grateful.

So with that all said, I probably won't be writing here on My Life Sober much anymore. (Not that I have been anyway.) I am at Transforming Serenity now, as I said. I have been a while. It is not recovery focused, because my life's focus is not recovery. It is a thought that runs through my mind almost daily and I remind myself of where I once was and where I could end up if I drink again. This doesn't work for everyone but it has been working for me. Drinking is not something that I obsess about anymore. But if I ever do find myself thinking about it or if I come up a good alcoholics related post, I will probably write it at T.S. I will try to write an occasional update to let you all know how my sober life is going. Or you can come to my new blog and read about it there. Thanks to everyone who ever read this blog. I am truly grateful and I wish you the best.

Commitment To This Sober Life

What a year this has been. It's been pretty crazy since this time last year. My kids are living with me every other week and with their dad on the weeks in between. It is going much better since the last time I wrote about it, though there are still challenges. 

My kids are great. I am so happy that they are with me. The years I spent not having them in my custody, due to my alcohol abuse, was unbearable. They are my light. My serenity. I am my happiest (and possibly most stressed:)), when I am near them. My oldest, Logan, just turned 13. I can't believe I am the mother of a teenager. I can't be that old, can I? My daughter, Kyla, is 11, my middle son, Rhyce, is 8 (almost 9), and my youngest son, Nathan, is 5. He is in booster kindergarten now. Having them back home has been an adjustment on everyone, but it has been very good. We are happy. 

I celebrated 3 years of sobriety in February. It is a bittersweet time whenever my sobriety date comes around, because the day prior to it was the absolute worst date of my life. My sobriety date is not a good memory-waking up on a cold jail floor, with no memory of why the hell I was there to begin with. But I choose to think of it in a positive way instead of negative, or I'll drive myself mad. I think of it as the day the Lord truly saved me. He saved me from my worst demon. Myself.

I would say that alcohol is my worst demon but I know that alcohol was just an after effect. The real demon was what was going on inside of me that I just wanted to block out. And that is where the alcohol found it's place in my life. Or I found alcohol, however you want to word it. Either way, alcohol and I just don't mix.

After all this time, for me, alcohol is a distant thought. I don't think this is a fact for all those in recovery and I consider myself lucky...or saved. Or I'm just damned determined to have a better life and give my children the best mom they could have. I think about alcohol every single day, but not in the way people might assume I think about it. I don't think about drinking. I haven't had a real craving for alcohol since I was 7 months sober and the craving was so strong and overwhelming I am amazed I resisted. It lasted for a whole week and I fought through it hard. But, knock on wood, it hasn't come back. I am not foolish enough to convince myself that it never will. And that is how I think of alcohol daily. I remind myself of what could happen. I sometimes wonder if the feeling, the want, craving or need is just lying dormant for now, waiting until I am completely off guard and unaware and then it'll just sneak up and pounce. I know it can happen. Even the seemingly strongest old timer in AA is not immune to relapse. I have seen it myself and I keep that in mind any time I want to get all cocky about my sobriety. 

I believe 100% that I was saved. I felt then and I feel now that God rescued me from whatever it was that caused me to basically give up on everything and turn towards binging on alcohol. But God didn't make this road easy on me, by any means. I did get lucky in the fact that I got back what I lost, what was most important to me. I KNOW that I was given a third chance and I KNOW that I won't get a fourth. This is it for me. No more chances and that is enough right now, today, to keep me sober. I meditate on that fact and I feel blessed. As frustrating as it is hoping that other people will notice the change that I feel inside, I know what I have done and that has to be enough. I know what my inner struggles have been and I am proud of what I have accomplished these past few years. My accomplishments are not ones that can be measured by another persons standards because the battle I have fought is from within. And unless you were right there walking through the flames of alcoholism with me, you could never understand my story of survival or the pain I caused. I am back to being myself again. My old self before alcohol. An older, heavier, sleepier version of my old self! JK. Not everyone chooses to see that, but I don't feel I owe anyone a thing, other than my kids. That is hard for some people to hear. But it's the truth. 

It hasn't been all roses this past year, as I have mentioned. Since August, my marriage has been on the rocks. In my opinion, it has been on the rocks since about 5 or 6 months after we got married, but he only just realized it in August. Now all hell has broken lose upon me. I have lived an absolute nightmare for 7 months, with brief moments of reprieve. Granted, it has gotten a bit better the past month or so and the fights are few between, but I feel I am constantly on guard, defensive, waiting for that switch.

I can't even begin to explain all that has gone on in our relationship. It is so confusing and heartbreaking because I thought he was soul-mate, as cliché as that sounds. I thought he was perfect for me. I know that no relationship is perfect, but the things that have gone on are way past that. It's not what I signed up for. And I never vowed to obey anyone. 
I have a lot of anger and disappointment and just plain sadness over this subject and it will come up in other posts I'm sure. I am processing it. Writing has always helped me sort through shit. It's always been an outlet and my way of expressing who I am. But I haven't been able to use writing the way I've always wanted to because I always have to be concerned that those close to me will flip out. People don't like when you publish personal stuff that might put them in a negative light and I don't blame anyone for that. I don't care what most people think to some degree, but when you live with someone, you don't want to be bitched out about everything under the sun. For being who you are and doing what you need to do.

We are working through our problems and I have a little hope still, but I have closed myself off a lot. I have been pushed to that point in every way. I'm not a quitter when it comes to relationships, I love him, but he's made things as hard on me as possible and I just don't understand him. I'm not perfect in this relationship either, but I've never tried to hurt him the way he's internationally hurt me. So now what? We'll just have to see, I guess.

Getting sober doesn't magically fix all of life's shit. If only it were that simple. You have to put in effort and do the work and sometimes it sucks. The fact that I am still sober after everything I have endured these past months should be a testament to my determination and what anyone can do if they are determined enough. You have to want it badly enough. And I won't risk my sobriety, my life or my children's for anyone or anything. Not ever again. I am completely committed to my sober life. And what's meant to be will be. 

Can't Keep Me Down

I had the worst phone call yesterday. I can't get in to any details at the moment, but this woman I spoke to was so rude to me for the first part of the conversation; completely unprofessional and just plain mean to me. She brought up stuff that happened a year and a half ago, like I am less than human and deserved to be treated that way. I was in complete and utter shock. I didn't know what to do or say. This person is in a power position. She completely undermined everything I have done this whole time to get better and recover from the disease of alcoholism. No one has treated me like that in a long time and I absolutely know I didn't deserve it. I don't know, maybe she had a bad day and took it out on me.

I felt horrible all day. I was sick to my stomach all night and all today.

I have made huge efforts to be healthy mentally, emotionally and I am working on the physical. I have been doing fabulous and I am a wonderful, loving mother who genuinely wants the best for my children.

So why would I let someone who doesn't know me get me down, after all I have worked for? Maybe because she kind of holds my future in her hands right now. But, knowing that I was NOT wrong, why would I dwell on it so long? I know who I am and I know I am a good person. Even the judge said that I can't be punished forever for my mistakes forever; I have my dues, and this woman basically treated me like I was the scum of the earth. Why do I care?

I know that everything will work out and that God is for me; so who can be against me? I know this with complete certainty, but still, her words hurt. This woman whom I don't know and who doesn't know me, really hurt me. How does that happen?

I don't know what her motivation was; it really doesn't matter. The fact is, things may bother me at first, I may dwell on it for a while, but I a stronger now than I have ever been and nothing is going to keep me down. I know that the devil uses people, unbeknownst to them, to try to hurt me and doubt God. Well, it won't work. I have seen His goodness and I am a believer. I truly mean "His will be done." Whatever He has planned for me is a good plan and I trust Him fully to take care of me and my children.

There are always going to be hard times that arise. But I will handle it as gracefully as I can. I am sober, faithful, and I won't give my happiness over to someone else to stomp on. I don't deserve that. Nobody does.



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Nothing is Stronger Than a Mothers Love...

I recently read in the paper about an acquaintance of mine who was arrested for battery and disorderly conduct. This wasn't her first arrest on similar charges, in fact, a year ago she did jail time for battery on an LEO. She was drunk when she got arrested that time and I am assuming that was the case this time as well.

It's been about a year since I have seen her. We did a little time in jail together and before that, we were in treatment together. In jail, she never pretended she wanted to get sober. She seemed convinced that she was bound to live as a raging alcoholic forever. She seemed scared that this disease would kill her, however, that fear wasn't enough. The depression and anxiety she suffered was far worse in her mind. When she was sober, she had to feel whatever feelings she had. That may have been worse in her opinion than the pain alcoholism brought her life.

She has a few young children, who live with their dad. From what she said, he never tried to keep those children from her; he allowed her to see them whenever she wanted to, (which I think is amazing on his part). But she chose to drink instead. It was obvious she loves her boys, but as I've heard it said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love...except for her addiction." I've offered myself and my situation as an example of that statement, but this woman is another example. No matter how strong your love for your children is, it's not always enough to keep you sober. You have to want it for yourself.

I believe she may be looking at prison time now. She's had many chances to get her life together. I just don't think she wanted to. Maybe she just didn't feel she deserved another chance. Maybe she was so consumed with shame and guilt, that the only thing she could do was drink those feelings away. I can relate to that, and I know so many others can also. Until she deals with those feelings, she's bound to keep returning to what feels comfortable to her.

I know what it is like to battle depression. I also know what it is like to suffer some bouts with anxiety. You feel like you are crazy; like you are losing your mind. You don't know why or what is wrong with you and no matter what you do, you just can't get over it. The more you try and fail, or the more other people try to help you, the crazier you feel. And you can't understand what is happening to you. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just feel "normal?" It's a difficult feeling to explain, and unless you've been there yourself, it's difficult to understand.

So, some of us drink or use other drugs, in an attempt to feel something. Or in an attempt to not feel what we're feeling. We drink because we're depressed, and we become more depressed because we drink. Alcohol is a depressant. It might work to numb ourselves from whatever feelings we have, but soon, it only amplifies those feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle. And then you feel helpless.

I feel for this woman. I had hoped she would get it together last year, after she was released from jail. But honestly, I didn't think she would. She wasn't ready. She hadn't hit bottom yet. For some people, everything she had gone through would've been bottom. An alcoholic or addict, who is sober, can usually spot the one who is not yet ready. And you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

For her sake, and her children's, I hope she has hit bottom. It will only get worse if she hasn't. Prison can sober you up, but until you deal with what is going on inside of you, you're just going to go back to your old patterns and behaviors when you get out; if you get out.

Anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism...they do go hand in hand.


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Beautiful Gifts From God

I had my kids Friday evening for my visit. See, I don't have custody of my kids right now because of  my past alcoholism. I am getting closer to getting them back home. It's been a long hard struggle; harder than it would be for most people in this situation simply because I have had someone fighting against me every step of the way. But I won't get into that this post.

I had a wonderful visit. My kids are always so happy when they are with me. We play; I feed them. Our routine is mainly me feeding them supper and later a snack I show my love for people by feeding them. My kids have come to expect and look forward to the meals and snacks as much as seeing me. I try to give them something new and fun each time.

My youngest, N, is almost 4. He is so little. He eats like a horse, though, and when he eats a lot, he gets so hyper. I have never seen anything like it. It doesn't have to be a sugar filled meal; I try to feed them healthy. But he gets so goofy and wound up. He was laying on his stomach doing these back bends, touching his feet to his head, and next thing I know, he has his little foot touching his mouth. He thought it was so funny, and it probably didn't help that my husband, mom and I were laughing so hard. I was crying. I've said it before, he is my silly, little guy. I just love him to death. I was going to get a pic, but he decided he ate too much his tummy hurt.

My beautiful daughter, K and I painted each others fingernails. It is those moments that I miss on a daily basis because of the choices I made. She wants to come back home, she tells me all the time. So does N and R, my 7 year old. He wants to be with me so badly. He can be himself with me and he doesn't have to "behave" a certain way.

 L, my oldest at 11, sometimes mentions coming home, but he is at that age. He is the one I hurt during my blackout, so I know he has mixed emotions. Once we finally get into family therapy, hopefully the healing will begin. Sometimes I can tell he wants to come home, but he has reservations, which is understandable, considering. It's the anxiety I talked about in my post "How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children." It hurts, but I don't blame him at all. Each visit with him is different. One day, he is affectionate and the next, he's distant and irritable. He is at the age where that is typical, so I try not to take it too personally. I am stepping lightly with him, while still trying to be a parent.

My kids are everything to me. They are so amazing. Every mother knows how I feel. I don't deserve them, but they are mine. My children. My beautiful gifts from God, who loved me enough to bless me with those living miracles. I have taken my role as mother for granted and for that I will always feel guilty. But the whole situation I created has taught me a lot. Don't ever take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate every moment you have with them; if you don't you'll forever regret it. Love your children and be patient with them. Hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them. And most importantly, show them you love them.


Related Posts:
Meet My Kids
My Soul Mate, My Angel
My Choice to Forgive
17 Months Sober


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My 5 (Seemingly) Simple Tips For Avoiding Relapse:

Relapse, unfortunately, is part of alcoholism. It happens to most of us or has happened at some point. When I was in treatment, we heard over and over that 1 in 8 will make it. I'm not sure exactly how accurate that is, but the point is, this is a serious disease. Just as in cancer remission, all signs and symptoms seem to disappear, it can come back. Now, I'm not saying that we're doomed to relapse, I don't believe that is the case; I just think it's important to be aware of it.

This is a list of what has been working for me:

1. Don't be overconfident: Confidence is great; it is important and a good thing to believe in yourself.
Overconfidence, thinking, "I got this," can backfire. When you think you've got alcoholism beat, you can
easily forget what caused you to want to get sober in the first place. Soon, you stop focusing on personal
growth and those old thoughts and patterns can creep back. That was my experience during the year
before my last relapse. I am now confident in my sobriety. I remember the past, but I don't dwell on it.

2. Don't dwell on your past: Everybody makes mistakes. Some are bigger than others. But if you dwell
on your mistakes and all the embarrassing things you did and the people you hurt, you will find it
extremely difficult to move on to a place of peace. Forgiving yourself is an important part of sobriety,
even if others refuse to forgive you. Forgiving doesn't have to mean forgetting. You forgive so that you
can move on with your life.

What to do when alcohol is destroying your life

        Theses are steps that I took after finally hitting rock bottom in my disease of alcohol dependence. I am not an alcohol or drug counselor, these are my opinions based on my own experiences with alcoholism and what I've witnessed in other people through personal experiences and other peoples stories. What might seem like common sense to most people, is not so easy for the alcoholic/addict. It is easier said than done. These are the initial steps I took toward getting healthy, mind, body and spirit; and some I continue working on today. (These are aside from the 12 steps.)

                                                                     10 STEPS

1. Get Help. It is okay. Admitting you are powerless does not make you weak, in fact, the opposite is true. Asking for help is not always easy, especially for an alcoholic or addict, but this is the most necessary part. Find a good 12 Step program for starters. While I personally don't believe it is the only way to stay sober, I do believe is important in early sobriety. There you will meet people who have been where you are. Sure, their stories might seem crazy different from yours, but at the end of the day, they suffer from the same disease and you will hear stories that give you strength and hope and courage to go on. If you don't have a group in your town, look in another town, or look for an on-line meeting such as www.aaonline.net or aa-intergroup.org or any others. Start working the 12 Steps. A sponsor will help with that.
2. Get into a treatment program, whether it is in-patient or out-patient. Decide based on your current situation and how bad things have gotten out of control. I have done both. If you work full time that will be a factor. If you have young children in your custody and you don't have anyone to leave them with, there are in-patient facilities that offer childcare. Nobody really wants to go to rehab, but if you're serious about getting your life together, you will not hesitate. If you do, you might not be ready yet. I'm sure that statement won't sit well with some people, but that is my experience. You can't get sober for somebody else or because somebody tells you to. A judge can order you into treatment, but that, in and of itself, won't keep you sober. You have to want it for yourself. "Fake it 'til you make it" never worked for me, or many others. Treatment is a place to learn about your disease and the causes behind it, and to gain "tools" that you take with you when you leave that will hopefully help in the difficult times. You'll start understanding why you do the things you do. Alcoholism/Addiction is an obsession of the mind; allergy of the body. That has stuck with me since my first time in treatment. 
3. Take responsibility for your choices. Do not play the blame game. I think it's part of our nature to want to point out what someone is doing wrong or to put all our crap on someone else because of how they made us feel, although our feelings may be justified. Now, there are exceptions to this rule. But unless someone physically forced the alcohol down your throat, it was your choice. I didn't start drinking with the intention of becoming an out of control binge drinker. Nobody in their right mind wants to be an alcoholic. It can happen to anyone. But once you accept responsibility and hold yourself accountable for your actions and choices, the easier things will start becoming. It takes time, so don't be too hard on yourself. Just acknowledge that you made a choice, and now you are making the right choice to move on to a brighter day.
4. Find a network of support. Hopefully you have family that is supportive and allows you room to grow. (I will write more on that topic another time). Hopefully you have a group of sober friends. Hopefully if you have a spouse/significant other, they are clean and sober. If not, it will make it near impossible to stay sober if your partner is not. AA is the best place to find the kind of support you will need on this journey, so get names and numbers (preferably of the same gender) and use them. This is part of asking for help and that is what they want to do; help others who are struggling.
5. Do your time-if there is any to do. If you have gotten into trouble with the law, and have been convicted, get through your time as best as possible with as much positivity as you can stand. Jail sucks a big one, but if you're there, or are going there, accept it and move on. Plan on reading a lot! If you are on probation, report when you are told to, do what you P.O. tells you and be responsible. Work, pay your fines, child-support, whatever. Make the most of it and stay out of trouble. Seems simple enough.
6. Get individual therapy. It will help to have someone to talk to who is unbiased and will help you work through your feelings. 
7. Try meditation. Learn to stay focused and find inner peace. Learn to breath for relaxation. It will really help in times of stress and crisis. Breathing really is the key to calming and centering yourself. It takes practice, but it is very rewarding.
8. Take care of your body. Start eating right and exercising. (This is probably the most difficult for me now.) While you are trying to improve and grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually, don't forget your body. We've polluted our bodies and mind equally while in our addiction, so don't neglect in healing all areas. Balance is key. Yoga is really great for bringing mind and body into balance, and it's not all about turning yourself into a pretzel; I certainly can't do that...yet. 
9. Take time out. This is extremely important. You have to find time for yourself, especially if you have children in the home. Have a friend or family member or spouse watch them while you do something for yourself. It is not selfish, it is an important part of recovery. You need time to relax and unwind and think and to feel your feelings. Get to know yourself again. 
10. Don't let other peoples criticism and judgement faze you. Whether it's someone you love or someone you really can not stand, or a complete stranger. It's none of your business what other people think about you. Really. It might hurt your feelings for a bit, but does it change who you are? In a society that thrives on drama and chaos and gossip, that may be hard to accept, but the sooner you do, the better. Sure, it's frustrating as hell when you know someone is talking behind your back or even to your face, if they dare. But why let someone who is not your friend, who you don't care about get you all worked up and crazy. That can lead to relapse; believe me, I know. Focus on you and what's really important and not other people. My motto comes from an awesome song by Fall Out Boy: "I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me." Their negativity that is directed at you will only hurt themselves in the end. It's called karma, baby!

      I hope this will help somebody get whatever kind of help and inspiration they need. It's a long road, but it is most rewarding. When you start rebuilding trust with your children and loved ones, you will feel like you can accomplish anything. Just get over that big hump in front of you and believe in yourself! You can do it.


Warning: Good alcohol/drug counselors, bad ones: There are both and I have had both. I had a counselor who should not have been a counselor at all. She was down right nasty to certain people. There are counselors who I feel can hurt a persons recovery. Some try to be hard and just come off as assholes. But there are those who gracefully walk the line of being just hard enough to get their clients to listen and work their program honestly, and hold them accountable and aren't afraid to call bull-shit, while still being compassionate and understanding. My last counselor was that way. She helped me through the worst period of my life and I am forever grateful to her. My best counselors were ones who were in recovery themselves, who have been there and know the games people play, because they have played them. You can't bull-shit a bull-shitter.   Thanks Sarah.

        Like I stated earlier, these are my opinions that I hope can help someone. You don't have to agree with everything. It is my experience, strength and hope.