I recently read in the paper about an acquaintance of mine who was arrested for battery and disorderly conduct. This wasn't her first arrest on similar charges, in fact, a year ago she did jail time for battery on an LEO. She was drunk when she got arrested that time and I am assuming that was the case this time as well.
It's been about a year since I have seen her. We did a little time in jail together and before that, we were in treatment together. In jail, she never pretended she wanted to get sober. She seemed convinced that she was bound to live as a raging alcoholic forever. She seemed scared that this disease would kill her, however, that fear wasn't enough. The depression and anxiety she suffered was far worse in her mind. When she was sober, she had to feel whatever feelings she had. That may have been worse in her opinion than the pain alcoholism brought her life.
She has a few
young children, who live with their dad. From what she said, he never tried to keep those children from her; he allowed her to see them whenever she wanted to, (which I think is amazing on his part). But she chose to drink instead. It was obvious she loves her boys, but as I've heard it said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love...except for her addiction." I've offered myself and my situation as an example of that statement, but this woman is another example. No matter how strong your love for your children is, it's not always enough to keep you sober. You have to want it for yourself.
I believe she may be looking at prison time now. She's had many chances to get her life together. I just don't think she wanted to. Maybe she just didn't feel she deserved another chance. Maybe she was so consumed with shame and guilt, that the only thing she could do was drink those feelings away. I can relate to that, and I know so many others can also. Until she deals with those feelings, she's bound to keep returning to what feels comfortable to her.
I know what it is like to battle depression. I also know what it is like to suffer some bouts with anxiety. You feel like you are crazy; like you are losing your mind. You don't know why or what is wrong with you and no matter what you do, you just can't get over it. The more you try and fail, or the more other people try to help you, the crazier you feel. And you can't understand what is happening to you. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just feel "normal?" It's a difficult feeling to explain, and unless you've been there yourself, it's difficult to understand.
So, some of us drink or use other drugs, in an attempt to feel something. Or in an attempt to
not feel what we're feeling. We drink because we're depressed, and we become more depressed because we drink. Alcohol is a depressant. It might work to numb ourselves from whatever feelings we have, but soon, it only amplifies those feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle. And then you feel helpless.
I feel for this woman. I had hoped she would get it together last year, after she was released from jail. But honestly, I didn't think she would. She wasn't ready. She hadn't
hit bottom yet. For some people, everything she had gone through would've been bottom. An alcoholic or addict, who is sober, can usually spot the one who is not yet ready. And you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.
For her sake, and her children's, I hope she has hit bottom. It will only get worse if she hasn't. Prison can sober you up, but until you deal with what is going on inside of you, you're just going to go back to your old patterns and behaviors when you get out; if you get out.
Anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism...they do go hand in hand.
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