Another Daily Frustration

I had the kiddo's last night. It was parent-teacher conference night and I wasn't told about the meetings until after 9:00 the night before. I expect as much from my ex. When we were in court, his one problem with my proposal was that I said his wife didn't need to attend my children's conferences. She's not their mom and he can inform her of how they went. She completely dominates the conversation and she honestly believes that she has more say and input than I should have. Me, their mother! I am almost at my limit with her and I feel she deliberately pushes me hoping I will snap so I can get into more trouble. Not gonna happen.

So they found a way to keep me from going. They deliberately scheduled those appointments on my night with my kids, knowing full well I wouldn't want to miss my time with them. He didn't even bother finding someone to watch them so I could go. Oh, well. Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to this round of meetings. I want to meet their teachers on a one on one basis, so they can get to me and vise-versa without her interfering. It's just the point that he is already pulling this kind of shit. If I did it to him, he would be pissed. I just have to hold on a while longer. He will not be happy if I start playing the game he plays all the time.

I am better than that though. I am better then both of them. I know that. They are complete hypocrites. They accuse me of doing shit that they are doing themselves. Shit that I don't do or say, that they do all the time and don't even recognise. They are so concerned about the kids' grades that they tried to put it in court papers that if they slip, custody automatically goes back to them. In other words, if my kids get a bad grade, it is my fault. Now, we will be alternating weeks with the kids. There are too many variables when it come to kids getting a bad grade. There could be any reason. What is hypocritical is that while he wanted that court ordered, my oldest son had an F. He and my daughter told me he was grounded from video games for getting an F. Now, my daughter told me she has a D in math (I was also bad in math). She said she has C's too, as well as some A's and B's. They don't even live with me yet, so who's fault is that? My ex would find a way to blame me somehow.

They are so concerned about how I take care of the kids' clothes and dress them, yet their step-mom made them wear the same clothes to my house 2 days in a row. They were filthy. I could not believe it. Well, I could, but you know. If I did that, I would be accused of being a terrible parent. They say that I used to let my kids wear clothes with holes in them and dirty (which is completely untrue to begin with; they have always had nice clothes, but boys get dirty), yet that is what they do.

I guess it comes back down to accepting what you can't change. I couldn't change my ex when we were together, he won't change now. And he married someone more psycho than I was on my drunkest, most belligerent day. It's true. So now I have double the trouble.

Oh, well. I had a great visit. But my middle son came in and looked really upset, though. He said that at day care (the daycare provider is his step-mom's mom) all the kids were playing football And they wouldn't let him. He started crying and said that his step-mom's sister told him he couldn't play and he didn't know why. He said, "I just wanted to play." It broke my heart. He's very sensitive and he whines a lot, but this was different. He was hurt. He's only 7. (And he is going to be an awesome football player!)

Last night I was laying bed thinking and wondered if that is how the parents felt after that football game where some of the kids didn't get all their plays. Now, I am not defending their behaviour in any way. I am still as appalled as ever. Their behaviour is wrong, end of story. But maybe the feeling is the same as what I felt for my son. No one wants to see their child's feelings hurt.

I kind of felt last night, as I was laying in bed and thought about it, that God was dealing with me on my judgement of those parents. Am I being hypocritical by judging them for their behaviour, which includes judging my husband and the other coaches? They are going around smearing my husbands name, yet, I have done plenty of talking, which includes my last post (and I don't regret it, I think I made my point). I just think God deals with me on these sorts of issues quite often, when I least expect it. Like with my son. It's just a thought.

I am planning on writing a post soon on forgiveness, which I am still working on. So until then...

Nothing is Stronger Than a Mothers Love...

I recently read in the paper about an acquaintance of mine who was arrested for battery and disorderly conduct. This wasn't her first arrest on similar charges, in fact, a year ago she did jail time for battery on an LEO. She was drunk when she got arrested that time and I am assuming that was the case this time as well.

It's been about a year since I have seen her. We did a little time in jail together and before that, we were in treatment together. In jail, she never pretended she wanted to get sober. She seemed convinced that she was bound to live as a raging alcoholic forever. She seemed scared that this disease would kill her, however, that fear wasn't enough. The depression and anxiety she suffered was far worse in her mind. When she was sober, she had to feel whatever feelings she had. That may have been worse in her opinion than the pain alcoholism brought her life.

She has a few young children, who live with their dad. From what she said, he never tried to keep those children from her; he allowed her to see them whenever she wanted to, (which I think is amazing on his part). But she chose to drink instead. It was obvious she loves her boys, but as I've heard it said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love...except for her addiction." I've offered myself and my situation as an example of that statement, but this woman is another example. No matter how strong your love for your children is, it's not always enough to keep you sober. You have to want it for yourself.

I believe she may be looking at prison time now. She's had many chances to get her life together. I just don't think she wanted to. Maybe she just didn't feel she deserved another chance. Maybe she was so consumed with shame and guilt, that the only thing she could do was drink those feelings away. I can relate to that, and I know so many others can also. Until she deals with those feelings, she's bound to keep returning to what feels comfortable to her.

I know what it is like to battle depression. I also know what it is like to suffer some bouts with anxiety. You feel like you are crazy; like you are losing your mind. You don't know why or what is wrong with you and no matter what you do, you just can't get over it. The more you try and fail, or the more other people try to help you, the crazier you feel. And you can't understand what is happening to you. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just feel "normal?" It's a difficult feeling to explain, and unless you've been there yourself, it's difficult to understand.

So, some of us drink or use other drugs, in an attempt to feel something. Or in an attempt to not feel what we're feeling. We drink because we're depressed, and we become more depressed because we drink. Alcohol is a depressant. It might work to numb ourselves from whatever feelings we have, but soon, it only amplifies those feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle. And then you feel helpless.

I feel for this woman. I had hoped she would get it together last year, after she was released from jail. But honestly, I didn't think she would. She wasn't ready. She hadn't hit bottom yet. For some people, everything she had gone through would've been bottom. An alcoholic or addict, who is sober, can usually spot the one who is not yet ready. And you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

For her sake, and her children's, I hope she has hit bottom. It will only get worse if she hasn't. Prison can sober you up, but until you deal with what is going on inside of you, you're just going to go back to your old patterns and behaviors when you get out; if you get out.

Anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism...they do go hand in hand.


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