Where Have I Been? Still Sober

Hello! I haven't written here in so long. I just wanted to leave a quick update on what has been happening in my life. I have been sober since 2-6-11, almost 7 years and 7 months. Things are going well.

My 2 middle boys live with me every other week and their dad every other week. My daughter lives with me full time and my oldest son lives with his dad full time. I see him on weekends. He's almost 18! I can not believe it.

I am a small business owner. I am in internet sales. A reseller to be specific. I love it. I've been doing it since Jan 2014. I've been full time, going hard core since Jan 2016. I wish I would have started a long time ago. It's the most fulfilling job I've ever had, I used to be a caregiver. I have been so unbelievably busy, that is why I don't really write anymore.

I just wanted to drop a line or 2 in case anyone stumbles upon this blog and wonders if I must have relapsed or something since I haven't been posting. No, I have not relapsed. I rarely ever thing about alcohol. I'm doing very well, very busy. Life is good. I still have stress and anxiety in my life, like most people, but I am handling it without alcohol. I am happily sober!

It is possible to go through a few rough years where you use alcohol as a crutch and make a million horrible mistakes and then get sober and stay sober. It isn't always easy, but you can do it!

New Beginnings and Second Chances

Shared custody of my kids starts 1-18-13. I am so happy! They will be back with me every other week. It has been 2 years since they have lived with me and that was only a few months. It was a year before that. It's been since Sept. 2009 since I had full custody of my kids. They are happy and excited, too.

I admit I am a little stressed. Most of that stress is because my ex still wants to control everything I do and my kids do when he has no say what goes on when it's my week. He thinks because he pays for most of the daycare and school that that means he is in charge. It won't be that way and he and I are going to butt heads, unless he backs off. I won't put up with his crap any more. Things won't be like they were last time. 

My kids are my first priority, despite what their dad thinks and says. His wife and her mom are already running their mouths in front of the kids about stuff. The kids tell me all the time that they are saying bad things about me. I know I can't let it get to me. I don't care what they or anyone thinks of me, but they don't need to express their opinions in front of my kids. It makes the kids feel bad when someone is saying mean things about their mom. They should be thinking of the best interest of the kids and not getting at me.

It might take a little time for us to get in a routine. But I know it will work out. If I can just stay calm with the ex and not let him push my buttons, it'll be fine. 

I am just so ready for them to be home. I've been waiting for this moment a long time. It is finally here.

I am coming up on 2 years of sobriety. That feels amazing. Even though I am stressed, I am sober and I believe fully that I will stay sober. 

I ran into my old counselor from treatment last weekend. She helped me through a very rough time in my life. She was the best counselor I have ever had. She had been through addiction before, so she knew what it was like. She said it like it was, but was caring also. She told me she had postpartum depression and relapsed. I felt really bad for her. 

I know how postpartum depression can be. It is hard. I had it, worse with each child. After my third baby, it was the worst. I felt like I was literally going crazy. But hearing her just reminded me that no alcoholic or addict is incapable of relapsing. Even the person who seems the strongest in their recovery can still relapse. We all have our struggles in life and we all have another relapse in us. But we don't all have another recovery in us. I know I don't. It's prison or death for me. I do stupid shit when I drink and every relapse is worse than it was before I quit.

I believe my old counselor will be okay. I hope. It sucks seeing someone you look up to stumble or fall, but it happens to the best of us. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Nobody is perfect and I think it would be nice to see more compassion from people. Some people think they are perfect and like to point out other peoples faults. They forget that not too long ago they made a mistake or did something they wish they didn't do. Maybe it wasn't as big a mistake as the ones I've made or someone else, but they've messed up non the less.

So lets try showing some compassion to others today. You never know who you'll come into contact with that might really need it and how you could positively impact a persons life. Don't judge a book by it's cover and don't judge a person because you heard something about them. Give them a chance and get to know them for yourself. That is what I am going to work on. I will attempt not to judge those who judge me. I will attempt to give them a chance to get to know me and show them why not everything they have heard is the truth.

Until next time, have a wonderful week.

My Soulmate, My Angel

                 One lonely December night, I was lying in bed, feeling so depressed, I said a prayer:
                                                                  
                                                           " Dear Heavenly Father,
                                       Please send me an angel. Send someone to me who is kind 
                                         and understanding, honest and trustworthy, who will love me 
                                   for who I am, whom I can give my heart to and will treat it delicately.
                                                                I am tired of being alone."


                                                               The Lord sent me Chris.
           
      I met Chris when I started my job back in December of 2009. He was my supervisor, and nothing more. I had formed somewhat of a relationship with his aunt and uncle who also work with us. My license was suspended because of the DUI I had gotten back in February of the same year, and they were nice enough to insist on picking me up and dropping me off. (I lived several blocks away but it had snowed a lot.)
   
      Over the next few months, I think Chris had become curious about me. He had heard a couple "rumors" about me (they were mostly true), and he finally approached me at the machine I was running and struck up a conversation. There was an immediate attraction, I have to admit. He's a tall, tanned and handsome man.  He asked about my kids and how many I had. When I told him 4, I figured if he had been interested in me at all before, he wasn't now. I really had no idea what his agenda was or if he had one. But he kept coming back, day after day and before I knew it, we were together.
   
     My children were in their dad's custody at the time because I had gotten arrested in September (the kids were not with me when I was arrested, it as their dad's weekend), and he took that as his opportunity to gain custody. He got a PFA claiming I had endangered the kids, and they weren't even with me! But that's another story. I told Chris everything. And I mean everything. He was the kindest, most understanding man I had ever met. I was skeptical. Men like him didn't exsist, right? He accepted me, flaws and all. And I had plenty.

     We went through a rough patch after I got joint custody of my kids. So many changes happened, one right after the next and most of them should have been good. I got a better paying job, but I hated it. We moved to a bigger new house with all the kids, but I hadn't had them in my custody for a year and had gotten used to only taking care of myself. It was tough on me and the kids because our custody agreement (their step-mother wrote it) had them living with me for a week, then their dad a week and so on and so on. I realized, after the fact, how that whole agreement was only to benefit my ex and his wife. (I didn't get the kids for any Thanksgiving, among other things.) Having to deal with their controling step-mom and her mom was more than I could handle at that time. Why was another woman & her mom making the decisions for my kids and telling me what to do? She wasn't their mom, even if they had lived in her house. Why was I kept in the dark about everything? Their dad had no idea what was going on, he had to ask her first. (Some things still haven't changed.) And why the hell were they telling my kids to call her mom?! That, too is another story.

     My stress level was through the roof. Going from just me and Chris, to me, Chris and 6 kids (he has 2 boys), was a lot all at once. Don't get me wrong, I wanted it that way, but Chris and I weren't on the same page. I had already been in relapse mode,and though I denied it, deep down I knew and I was scared. Still I did nothing to stop it. I relapsed the day I got laid off. That was my excuse. And all hell broke loose over the next couple months. It was pure hell for all of my loved ones. It still hurts knowing what I put them through.

     I ended up hurting one of my children while I was in a blackout. I got arrested and woke up on the holding cell floor, not knowing what I had done but knowing it must've been real bad. My first fear was for the kids and after I was told what I did I was sick. I had to talk to Chris. He would leave me for sure, I just knew it. Then, I heard his voice and there was compassion, fear, sadness; but no anger. He got me out of jail  and took me home. I cried and cried and he held me and comforted me and listened to me. He did not judge me or yell at me or criticize me. He showed me what true love really is. A pastor told me me the next day that what Chris did was show me just a small bit of the love God has for me. It was a beautiful thought, but I didn't see how God could ever love or forgive me after what I did. I did the worst thing a mother could do: hurt her child.
 
      If it hadn't been for Chris, I don't think I would've survived. I didn't see my kids at all for 4 months. I saw them for 1 hour in 6 months. That is the worst thing a mother can go through, aside from the death of a child. Chris was there for me when nobody else was. I didn't deserve him. Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me.

      We got married about 3 months later. God heard my prayer and he answered. We have been married now for over a year and we are happier than ever. There may be issues that arise, but our relationship is strong. I trust him like I have never trusted anyone. He has a big heart and beautiful soul.  He has the greatest sense of humor and makes me laugh so much.

      I didn't think men like him or relationships this good existed. I certainly had never experienced anything like this before. But good men are out there. I met him at a time when I was happy and content with who I thought I was becoming and I was enthusiastic about life. I think he was drawn to that. You have to like and respect yourself if you expect anyone else to. If you don't like yourself and are negative all the time, what kind of person do you think you will attract? It took me a long time to learn that one. Being alone sucks, but sometimes it better to wait for your soulmate. For your angel.



Comments and questions are welcome.