Where Have I Been? Still Sober

Hello! I haven't written here in so long. I just wanted to leave a quick update on what has been happening in my life. I have been sober since 2-6-11, almost 7 years and 7 months. Things are going well.

My 2 middle boys live with me every other week and their dad every other week. My daughter lives with me full time and my oldest son lives with his dad full time. I see him on weekends. He's almost 18! I can not believe it.

I am a small business owner. I am in internet sales. A reseller to be specific. I love it. I've been doing it since Jan 2014. I've been full time, going hard core since Jan 2016. I wish I would have started a long time ago. It's the most fulfilling job I've ever had, I used to be a caregiver. I have been so unbelievably busy, that is why I don't really write anymore.

I just wanted to drop a line or 2 in case anyone stumbles upon this blog and wonders if I must have relapsed or something since I haven't been posting. No, I have not relapsed. I rarely ever thing about alcohol. I'm doing very well, very busy. Life is good. I still have stress and anxiety in my life, like most people, but I am handling it without alcohol. I am happily sober!

It is possible to go through a few rough years where you use alcohol as a crutch and make a million horrible mistakes and then get sober and stay sober. It isn't always easy, but you can do it!

Beautiful Gifts From God

I had my kids Friday evening for my visit. See, I don't have custody of my kids right now because of  my past alcoholism. I am getting closer to getting them back home. It's been a long hard struggle; harder than it would be for most people in this situation simply because I have had someone fighting against me every step of the way. But I won't get into that this post.

I had a wonderful visit. My kids are always so happy when they are with me. We play; I feed them. Our routine is mainly me feeding them supper and later a snack I show my love for people by feeding them. My kids have come to expect and look forward to the meals and snacks as much as seeing me. I try to give them something new and fun each time.

My youngest, N, is almost 4. He is so little. He eats like a horse, though, and when he eats a lot, he gets so hyper. I have never seen anything like it. It doesn't have to be a sugar filled meal; I try to feed them healthy. But he gets so goofy and wound up. He was laying on his stomach doing these back bends, touching his feet to his head, and next thing I know, he has his little foot touching his mouth. He thought it was so funny, and it probably didn't help that my husband, mom and I were laughing so hard. I was crying. I've said it before, he is my silly, little guy. I just love him to death. I was going to get a pic, but he decided he ate too much his tummy hurt.

My beautiful daughter, K and I painted each others fingernails. It is those moments that I miss on a daily basis because of the choices I made. She wants to come back home, she tells me all the time. So does N and R, my 7 year old. He wants to be with me so badly. He can be himself with me and he doesn't have to "behave" a certain way.

 L, my oldest at 11, sometimes mentions coming home, but he is at that age. He is the one I hurt during my blackout, so I know he has mixed emotions. Once we finally get into family therapy, hopefully the healing will begin. Sometimes I can tell he wants to come home, but he has reservations, which is understandable, considering. It's the anxiety I talked about in my post "How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children." It hurts, but I don't blame him at all. Each visit with him is different. One day, he is affectionate and the next, he's distant and irritable. He is at the age where that is typical, so I try not to take it too personally. I am stepping lightly with him, while still trying to be a parent.

My kids are everything to me. They are so amazing. Every mother knows how I feel. I don't deserve them, but they are mine. My children. My beautiful gifts from God, who loved me enough to bless me with those living miracles. I have taken my role as mother for granted and for that I will always feel guilty. But the whole situation I created has taught me a lot. Don't ever take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate every moment you have with them; if you don't you'll forever regret it. Love your children and be patient with them. Hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them. And most importantly, show them you love them.


Related Posts:
Meet My Kids
My Soul Mate, My Angel
My Choice to Forgive
17 Months Sober


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photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mrclean/500765085/">MrClean1982</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photo pin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>

17 Months Sober!

      I started this blog as a creative outlet. A place to express my feelings and views on various subjects and to write about my life. That's what this is. My life. I have wanted to write a book for so long, but I feel I need to brush up on my writing skills. I used to write in high school all the time. My "novels" were my life. But then I became an adult, got a full-time job, got involved with a man who did not exactly support my dreams, and started having babies with him. Writing took a major backseat; bare with me.
      I'm sure if anyone reads any of this, not everyone will agree with my views, my past, my present, whatever. But my hope is that a woman or man who may be going through rough times due to alcohol or drug issues, or anything that has caused them to feel hopeless, depressed, angry, to see that there is hope. There is a new beginning for anyone who wants one. Making major changes in ones life is not easy by any means, but it is possible and I believe I am proof of that. So my goal is to be completely open and honest about my life.  
      I have been sober now for 17 months! I am happier than I have ever been in my life. No, things aren't 100% the way I would like them to be, but I am getting there. With the support of my wonderful husband and family, every day gets better than the last. 
     I have learned a lot about myself the past year and a half. One thing is that I am stronger than I ever knew. I have gone through the most horrific ordeal; all of my own making. I got through it. Next, I learned that when I put my mind to something, nothing will stop me. And I also learned that I really am a good person. I am human and have made some stupid choices over the years and have hurt people I love, but I am a good person.
      The majority of my mistakes have been the result of alcohol. I will get into why and how I feel I succumbed to alcoholism in a later post. I had been sober for a year before my last relapse. I actually wouldn't call it "sober" so much as dry. I was abstaining. I knew for several months that I was in relapse mode, yet I did nothing to help myself. I wouldn't talk to anyone because I didn't want them to think me weak. I was terribly angry and bitter.
    I was a binge drinker. I would drink vodka straight from the bottle. Every couple weeks I'd hit it hard for 2-3 days straight. One awful, long binge, I ended hurting my oldest child pretty bad. I have no memory what-so-ever of that night and I barely remember anything from that entire day. It is like a nightmare. I know it happened, but it is unimaginable to me because my children are my life. I would do anything for my kids and I would kill anyone who ever hurt them. I once read a sign at a treatment center that said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love--except addiction." It's sad, but true.
       I have 4 wonderful children. Logan 11, Kyla 9, Rhyce 7, and Nathan 3-almost 4. I also have 2 step-children. A 10 year old boy and a 16 year old boy. I have hurt my kiddo's a lot over the past few years during my alcohol addiction. I am working to repair the damage with them. I have really been doing everything I can possibly think of to better myself for me and my children. Unfortunately, there are a couple people who have prevented me from doing some things necessary to repair those relationships. But I keep doing the next right thing and remain optimistic about my future.
     There is hope for us alcoholics.