God's Will Be Done

"God's will not mine," is something I've heard said a lot. Especially in treatment. Any time somebody would get pissed off at someone else, that would be their response. It's something you say and you think you really mean it, but do you? What does that mean anyway? When you say "God's will be done," are you following it up with, "but please, just give me what I want?" I know I have.

For the past year and a half, I've wanted a couple things so badly; to win the lottery...duh...and most importantly, my children. I have given up on the lottery, but I pray for my kids every day. In the beginning of all of this, I didn't really care what God's will was, to be honest; I just wanted my kids. It took making a choice to get to know my Higher Power on another level to start feeling differently. Gradually building a stronger relationship with my Lord, to realize that He wants good things for my life. He wants good things for my children's lives. I believe that and I have hope in that, no matter how difficult things can be.

I used to ask, "Why, God, why? Why did you let this happen?" I believe I know now. After reading countless books on spirituality, books about God and Heaven; reading Scripture, anything I can find on the internet, and after so much soul searching, I have gradually figured it out. I believe with all my heart, it is so I would become stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So I would get over myself and my selfishness (I still have my selfish moments), and come back to Him. He figuratively slapped me in the face with reality and said, "wake up! Look what you are doing to yourself and to your kids. You're life can be so much better, if you just put your faith in Me." I know I am supposed to help people, with my story; my experiences.

I used to ask, "why is it that certain other people can drink to their hearts content, and act like complete idiots? They are clearly alcoholics, yet they never get into any trouble? But when I start drinking, I get into all sorts of stupid trouble and get arrested and shit. That's not fair, why do they keep getting away with it and I don't?" I actually did ask that question while having a conversation with my husband and the very instant it left my mouth, I was hit with the answer. Like a voice from Heaven, I heard, "Because I have a better plan for your life. I allowed you to fall hard, so that I could lift you up." I, seriously, broke down in tears. I finally had my eyes open.

I still get all emotional when I think about that moment. It changed a lot for me. No, it wasn't an overnight, "everything is perfect now" change. It was just the beginning.It gave me renewed hope. That's when I began to accept God's will for my life, whatever that was. I still struggled with giving up control. But that truly is what "God's will be done" means. Accepting that you are not in control of your own destiny. God is. If you're fighting for control of your own life and everyone else's and everything around you, as I was, you're not living for God's will. His will is not always my will. I still catch myself thinking and saying things like, "I'm in charge of my life, nobody else controls me." Then that still small voice says, "no, I'm in control." I know if I take that control back out of God's loving hands and into my own, I am doomed. I will end up back down the path I was on. Drunk, self-destructive, destroying everything I love and have worked so hard to gain. I know there may come difficult times; God never promised to make life easy. But I know that true peace and happiness will come from my relationship with Him.

Now, when I say, "God's will be done," I truly mean it, because I know He has a perfect plan already laid out for me. As long as I trust in Him, everything will work out, according to that plan. When I begin to stray, He will pull me back to Him, somehow, some way. With that knowledge, I have peace.





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Beautiful Gifts From God

I had my kids Friday evening for my visit. See, I don't have custody of my kids right now because of  my past alcoholism. I am getting closer to getting them back home. It's been a long hard struggle; harder than it would be for most people in this situation simply because I have had someone fighting against me every step of the way. But I won't get into that this post.

I had a wonderful visit. My kids are always so happy when they are with me. We play; I feed them. Our routine is mainly me feeding them supper and later a snack I show my love for people by feeding them. My kids have come to expect and look forward to the meals and snacks as much as seeing me. I try to give them something new and fun each time.

My youngest, N, is almost 4. He is so little. He eats like a horse, though, and when he eats a lot, he gets so hyper. I have never seen anything like it. It doesn't have to be a sugar filled meal; I try to feed them healthy. But he gets so goofy and wound up. He was laying on his stomach doing these back bends, touching his feet to his head, and next thing I know, he has his little foot touching his mouth. He thought it was so funny, and it probably didn't help that my husband, mom and I were laughing so hard. I was crying. I've said it before, he is my silly, little guy. I just love him to death. I was going to get a pic, but he decided he ate too much his tummy hurt.

My beautiful daughter, K and I painted each others fingernails. It is those moments that I miss on a daily basis because of the choices I made. She wants to come back home, she tells me all the time. So does N and R, my 7 year old. He wants to be with me so badly. He can be himself with me and he doesn't have to "behave" a certain way.

 L, my oldest at 11, sometimes mentions coming home, but he is at that age. He is the one I hurt during my blackout, so I know he has mixed emotions. Once we finally get into family therapy, hopefully the healing will begin. Sometimes I can tell he wants to come home, but he has reservations, which is understandable, considering. It's the anxiety I talked about in my post "How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children." It hurts, but I don't blame him at all. Each visit with him is different. One day, he is affectionate and the next, he's distant and irritable. He is at the age where that is typical, so I try not to take it too personally. I am stepping lightly with him, while still trying to be a parent.

My kids are everything to me. They are so amazing. Every mother knows how I feel. I don't deserve them, but they are mine. My children. My beautiful gifts from God, who loved me enough to bless me with those living miracles. I have taken my role as mother for granted and for that I will always feel guilty. But the whole situation I created has taught me a lot. Don't ever take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate every moment you have with them; if you don't you'll forever regret it. Love your children and be patient with them. Hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them. And most importantly, show them you love them.


Related Posts:
Meet My Kids
My Soul Mate, My Angel
My Choice to Forgive
17 Months Sober


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Meet My Kids

   I was with my kids this evening. I'm still in this court battle over them, but things are looking up. I absolutely adore them. I have missed out on so much because of this addiction. Alcohol took so much from me, and more importantly, my babies. I can't even begin to explain how it kills me having to leave them. Knowing I caused this because I couldn't stop what I was doing. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. 

      Sometimes I wonder how I could have ever let anything come between us. I know I was sick. It's so hard to imagine now that I have been sober all this time, ever letting anything or anyone come between or above my love for them.

 

     They are so amazing. There are 4 of them. I'll just use their first initial when referring to them. L is my 11 year old. He is very in to sports, especially football. Watching him play makes me so proud. K is 9, almost 10. She is turning into such a young lady. She's my girl. Then R, my 7 year old. He's my little sunshine. And N, almost 4. He's my sweet, silly guy. I am so lucky. I love them so much. I want to spend every moment with them. I have a lot of lost time to make up for. They are just absolutely amazing.

     I took a lot for granted. But I am enjoying and appreciating every moment I have with them now. I am completely present when we are together, however, they pretty much fight for my attention. They all want to talk to me at the same time. 

     I know L and I have a lot of work ahead of us, repairing our relationship. As long as there is no more interference, I know it will work out. I love him so much. I love them all and I just want to be there for them. I am their mom and nothing will ever change that. And they know it.

Huffy Berserk 20-In. Boys Bike

Razor Dirt Quad - Children's Ride-ons

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My Choice To Forgive

     How do you forgive the father who told you almost daily you are stupid and worthless and instilled so much fear into you as a child? How do you forgive the man who abandoned you with three children and one on the way? How do you forgive the woman who intentionally stole your family and continues to try to inflict pain on you as if you were the one who stole her family? How do you forgive yourself for being the source of a great deal of pain to your children? And how do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong?

     These are questions I have struggled to answer for myself for years. I feel I am getting much closer, but resentments and anger still resurface from time to time.

     I have dealt with some of my resentments by avoiding the entire situation. Honestly that has worked when it comes to my dad, because he doesn't care enough to even try. If you don't go to him, you don't see him. And I am really okay with that. That's probably not the best way to handle things, but some people you just have to let be. Sometimes you don't have a choice and the person you least want to have to deal with, you have to see on a regular basis.

     My kids' dad hurt me like no other. I never even knew I could hurt so bad; like my insides were being ripped out and ground into the dirt. After 9 years together, 3 children and one on the way, he could just walk out as if we meant nothing. Walk out and leave us with no money, (I was a stay at home mom, which he instisted on), no food in the house, and bills that, unbeknownst to me, were anywhere from 2 months, to a whole year past due. He refused to give me child support or any kind of help at all; my mom, step-dad and the Hope Center helped me out of that. And when he discontinued the insurance on my van, (that I drove the kids around in),without my knowing, which caused a big issue, my mom bailed me out again. His excuse for not even telling me he did that? "I didn't think about it."

      I could go on and on and on and on about crap that he pulled in our years together, the lying, the cheating, the abuse, his drinking, the secrets...but that doesn't matter anymore. I was sober for the first 7 years we were together. The last 3 is when my drinking went from occasional, to more and more, binging every couple weeks or so. And knowing how I was when I was drinking, I know I didn't help matters. I did and said things that I would not have done or said had I been sober, so I'm sure I hurt him in some ways also. But no matter if I was drunk or sober, we never would've lasted. I have forgiven him, whether he wants it or cares. I forgave him for myself, not for him. And maybe one day, he'll find it somewhere in his heart to forgive me.

     I have made some huge mistakes because I was so intoxicated I had no idea what I was even doing. Things I don't even remember because I was in a blackout drunk. While I will always regret things I did,  I shouldn't be  punished every single day, or punish myself for past mistakes when I have taken every opportunity to change and learn and grow from. I have forgiven myself, and I have changed for the better.

     Forgiveness isn't always easy. I work on it daily. Every time thoughts like the ones I have written come up, I let myself feel how I feel, then I refocus on what is positive and what I am grateful for:

                                              1. My loving, adoring husband.

                                              2. My beautiful children who love me and whom I love so much.

                                              3. My sobriety, of course.

                                              4. The love that is all around me.

     I think my feelings are pretty normal, for anyone, not just us alcoholics. As long as I am making a real, honest effort to get better each and every day, I'm good. 

     If anyone has an opinion on the subject, questions or comments, feel free.