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| Not Me |
I would sober up after a 2-3 day bender and I wouldn't drink for a couple weeks ('til next pay day), but the feelings of guilt and shame never went away. With people constantly checking up on me and reminding me of what I did or said, those feelings wouldn't leave. People were concerned about the kids, and me. But I just didn't want to hear it. I wanted to forget and I wasn't being allowed to. Why did they think I was drinking in the first place? I didn't want to feel those negative emotions. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I wanted to be left alone; to isolate with the one thing that I thought gave me a little peace of mind; my friend, my vodka.
Like with any relationship, you want it to work so much, whether it's good for you or not. You think you can change things to make it better, make it different. I tried to drink less, that never worked. I tried to switch back to beer; yeah, right, I could drink a whole case of beer. I tried to set limitations and boundaries, but once I got a taste of it, I couldn't stop until I was physically incapable of taking another drink. I knew it wasn't good for me; it wasn't good for my family, but I just couldn't get enough.
So I tried to end it; tried to sever all ties to it. (It's really hard to give something up when it keeps finding it's way back to you.) I tried to forget it completely, because that's what I do, I TRY to forget. But my mind was consumed with it. I was obsessed. Everywhere I looked, there it was; on t.v. in magazines. The liquor store beckoned me every time I left the house.
My relationship with alcohol is like a metaphor for my relationship with my ex, or vise-versa. They are one in the same. I knew it wasn't good, I knew it was destroying from the inside out. I knew it would never change and that I would never be the woman I wanted to be as long as I held on to the relationship.
At one time, it truly was like a break up. I was so sad and depressed the first time I tried to get sober. I was lonely. Alcohol was my comfort, my best pal. I was alone without it, I thought. But I finally let go of both. It took hitting rock bottom for me to accept reality. I had to face the truth and accept it so that I could move on to bigger, better and brighter things. And that's what I did. I severed all ties and all the feelings I used to have. And surprisingly, once I make up my mind, it was easy. No, not the work that I had to do no myself afterwords, but giving up what was destroying me was. I was on the road to recovery and true happiness followed close behind.
When I look back, at both relationships, I wonder, "why?" What the hell was so great about them? Obviously, 4 wonderful children came out of one relationship, but that was about it. The alcohol? I don't know. It seems pointless sometimes.There's no reason that will ever make sense to me, other than it's a disease. It's an obsession of the mind, an allergy of the body. My mind and body don't react to alcohol the way a normal persons does.
Now, I am focusing on the positive. Growth is my goal. I've learned a very hard lesson and I have grown from it, as a mother, as a woman, as a human being. I don't ask why anymore, because I know that God allowed me to go through it all for a reason. So that I would become a better, stronger person and I would have something to offer other people...Hope.
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photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jessjams/98232543/">Jessica.James</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photo pin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">cc</a>
photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/the-g-uk/3665515318/">the|G|™</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photo pin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>
