Me and Booze (The Break Up)

Not Me

I used to wonder why and how I could become an alcoholic. Without placing the blame on somebody else for how they "made me feel," there is no explanation or reason. Addiction doesn't discriminate. It was gradual, but sudden at the same time. My tolerance grew more and more and it took longer to "feel" the way I wanted to. I was always chasing the feeling alcohol gave me in the beginning, before I was hooked. I never found that feeling again, no matter how much I drank, what I drank or how fast I drank it. I was miserable; I was ashamed. I would wake up after the first night of a bender, feeling guilty and ashamed. So I would start drinking again. It was a vicious cycle. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank.

I would sober up after a 2-3 day bender and I wouldn't drink for a couple weeks ('til next pay day), but the feelings of guilt and shame never went away. With people constantly checking up on me and reminding me of what I did or said, those feelings wouldn't leave. People were concerned about the kids, and me. But I just didn't want to hear it. I wanted to forget and I wasn't being allowed to. Why did they think I was drinking in the first place? I didn't want to feel those negative emotions. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I wanted to be left alone; to isolate with the one thing that I thought gave me a little peace of mind; my friend, my vodka.

Like with any relationship, you want it to work so much, whether it's good for you or not. You think you can change things to make it better, make it different. I tried to drink less, that never worked. I tried to switch back to beer; yeah, right, I could drink a whole case of beer. I tried to set limitations and boundaries, but once I got a taste of it, I couldn't stop until I was physically incapable of taking another drink. I knew it wasn't good for me; it wasn't good for my family, but I just couldn't get enough.

So I tried to end it; tried to sever all ties to it. (It's really hard to give something up when it keeps finding it's way back to you.) I tried to forget it completely, because that's what I do, I TRY to forget. But my mind was consumed with it. I was obsessed. Everywhere I looked, there it was; on t.v. in magazines. The liquor store beckoned me every time I left the house.

There was no escaping, so I'd give in. I'd convince myself it would be just this one time. Just one more try. Then I would stop.I wouldn't get out of control; I wouldn't do anything stupid. How many times do you have to hurt or be hurt to become convinced something isn't good for you? How many arrests and days spent in jail does it take? For me, it was 3 arrests and approximately 53 days in jail total before I got it.

My relationship with alcohol is like a metaphor for my relationship with my ex, or vise-versa. They are one in the same. I knew it wasn't good, I knew it was destroying from the inside out. I knew it would never change and that I would never be the woman I wanted to be as long as I held on to the relationship.

At one time, it truly was like a break up. I was so sad and depressed the first time I tried to get sober. I was lonely. Alcohol was my comfort, my best pal. I was alone without it, I thought. But I finally let go of both. It took hitting rock bottom for me to accept reality. I had to face the truth and accept it so that I could move on to bigger, better and brighter things. And that's what I did. I severed all ties and all the feelings I used to have. And surprisingly, once I make up my mind, it was easy. No, not the work that I had to do no myself afterwords, but giving up what was destroying me was. I was on the road to recovery and true happiness followed close behind.


When I look back, at both relationships, I wonder, "why?" What the hell was so great about them? Obviously, 4 wonderful children came out of one relationship, but that was about it. The alcohol? I don't know. It seems pointless sometimes.There's no reason that will ever make sense to me, other than it's a disease. It's an obsession of the mind, an allergy of the body. My mind and body don't react to alcohol the way a normal persons does.

Now, I am focusing on the positive. Growth is my goal. I've learned a very hard lesson and I have grown from it, as a mother, as a woman, as a human being. I don't ask why anymore, because I know that God allowed me to go through it all for a reason. So that I would become a better, stronger person and I would have something to offer other people...Hope.


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How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children: Update 4/7/14

Doing the research for this post was a bit painful, as I could see the effects in my own children. I know it is a necessary part of healing my family, though. My children and I haven't yet been able to work through all the details of my alcohol addiction and how it affected them, because we have been kept from getting counseling by their father. But we are finally getting there. My hope is that my children don't succumb to this disease.

Statistics say that children of alcoholics are 4 times more likely than non-COA's to become alcoholics. And that boys are at higher risk than girls.

It is estimated that 6.6 million children under age 18 live in a household with at least 1 alcoholic parent. And 1 in 5 American adults have lived with an alcoholic growing up. More than 43% of the population has been exposed to alcoholism in the family; 28 million Americans have seen at least 1 parent suffer. That's crazy.

Alcoholism runs in families. I have 3 boys and 1 girl. Their mom is a recovering alcoholic and their dad has abused alcohol regularly, their hole lives and to this day. Their paternal grandparents are alcoholics. They have been exposed to it more times than I can count; more than any child should ever be. No child should be exposed to alcoholism, period, but that's the world we live in. The statistics are scary. And sad. I'm not sure what my excuse is, though, because I was never exposed to any alcohol abuse growing up. While I believe I have alcoholic or recovering family members, no one in my immediate family drinks. My exposure began with my children's father, but as an adult.

The psychological impact on children includes feelings of:

• Guilt, where they believe they are the cause;
• Anxiety- they are constantly worried about the parent and what is going to happen;
• Embarrassment- the child is too ashamed to have friends over;
• Unable to trust or have close relationships;
• Confusion- the alcoholic parent is unpredictable, going from loving and kind to angry, for no apparent reason. There is no set schedule or routine, which children need.
• Anger
• Depression- child feels lonely and helpless.

Looking back, I can see so much of this in my children during my drinking period. I still see some signs of it. I think anxiety was one of the biggest. They never knew if when they got home from school, it was going to be a good day or a bad day.

Other signs and behaviors of COA:

• Failure in school

  

  photo by Tonya Marie

• Withdrawal-lack of friends
• Delinquent behavior- stealing, fighting, lying;
• Frequent physical complaints, like headaches, stomachaches;
• Drug or alcohol abuse;
• Risk taking behaviors;
• Aggression toward other kids;
• Depression or suicidal thoughts.

Some go the opposite direction and develop obsessive compulsive disorder and have a need to be perfect. Some children have the family role of "hero," where they take care of the parent and the other children. They are overachievers. This is usually the eldest child. There are other family roles as well.

It is important for adults to recognize the signs so that they can reach out and help. (Most can see the signs but might be unsure of the cause.) It is hard for me to say that because I think a lot of people just want to play the hero and swoop in and take children from their home, instead of helping the whole family to get help and stay together. It is not easy on children to be taken out of their home either; that is very painful. But in some cases, it is the only option. The children are the most important thing and if the parent won't get help...

While some children go on to become alcoholics, others don't. Some suffer negative consequences due to a parents' alcoholism, a larger portion function well and don't develope serious problems. The children who don't, seem to have other adults in their lives who offer positive attention. They have good communication skills, average intelligence, they have a caring attitude, a desire to achieve, and belief in self help. My husband is one of those children. He does not drink and he had family he could rely on. My children had my parents during my alcoholism and have offered them a sense of normalcy through it all.

Alcoholism hurts our children, plain and simple. I was in such denial about how it was affecting my kids. I as in denial about my addiction altogether. Even now that I am sober, they are living with the aftermath of it, as am I. Not only that, they are still being exposed to it in another home, (which is very frustrating!) It is hard for me to relate to what they are going through emotionally, because I did not grow up around it. I am only beginning to grasp their pain. And it kills me knowing that I caused it.

Professional help is crucial. It is important for the kids to be able to speak about their feelings and to be reassured that what their parent has done is not in any way their fault. If the parent has gotten sober, it is important for them to have family therapy. It could be a long process. The parent has to earn or re-earn their child's trust. That takes time. It won't happen over night; it could take years. Patience is very important.

I wish that nobody had to experience the pain of this disease. Education is important. So many people continue to suffer, and we need to help any way we can. There is help out there and plenty of kind, non-judgmental people willing to help. I am thankful my children have their mother back, but I know that they may still have fear and anxiety about whether or not I will drink again. My continued sobriety is something I will have to show them. I plan to show them that people can and do change if they really want it and work at it. I plan to show them that people can recover from this disease and the mistakes that come with it.

UPDATE: My children and I have since had counseling and I now share custody with their dad. I know that there will always be some feelings and questions there, but we have rebuilt trust. It takes time, but with consistency and patience, that trust can be rebuilt. Just keep doing the next right thing; for yourself and your kids.


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