You Can Find Me On My New-Ish Blog

My Life Sober will always be very special to me because it was my first blog. I wrote about some difficult issues I was going through at a difficult time in my life. I haven't been writing much here because I write a new-ish blog Transforming Serenity. It is not alcoholism related, though I've written about my past a bit. It is about my journey trying to live a healthy and positive life. I wanted to write a blog that is true to where I am at in life now. My alcohol problems are part of my past and I am looking forward, while still remembering where I have been. I write about anything and everything there. Writing multiple blogs is getting really difficult. I want to keep my thoughts and posts in the same place as much as possible.So that is where you can find me now. Please come read it. 

I once had a problem with binge drinking. I would never imply that I am cured or healed from the serious disease of alcoholism. But I have been sober almost 4 years. I have stayed sober on my own. I have not gone to meetings, except the first few months. I got to a place where I had to make a choice: continue drinking and lose my kids for good, or stop drinking and change the way I do things. I decided to stop drinking. I know it isn't that simple for most alcoholics.

There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever stop. I was so depressed that I really didn't care and I liked drinking. I didn't like what it did to my kids, but I was in a self-loathing place in my life. Things did fall apart and I hit rock bottom for sure. It could've been worse but it was pretty bad. I woke up and stopped. I haven't had a drink since. There have been a couple times when the thought, "I really want a drink right now" have come to mind. I wish I could drink like normal people. I wish I could have a couple. But I won't.

I've read that most people who drink too much are not actually alcoholics, but problem drinkers that can learn to drink in moderation. I wasn't your typical drunk. I stayed sober for periods of time before drinking again. But when I did drink, I binged. I didn't stop til I couldn't drink any more. I liked drinking. I didn't like waking up with no memory of the night before. I didn't enjoy waking up in jail. I didn't enjoy the pain I caused my kids. But up until the last year of my drinking, I enjoyed it.

Am I an alcoholic? Or am I a problem drinker who drank out of depression and drank too much when I did drink? I'm most likely an alcoholic. I used to drink once in a great while and I knew my limits. But could I control myself right now if I picked it up again? Maybe if I was only drinking beer and stayed away from vodka. But is it worth trying to find out if I could control it again? Not at all. Believe it or not, I'm no fool. It might take me fucking up repeatedly but eventually I learn.

Even if I did decide I could handle it now, because I am in a totally different place in my life - I'm not depressed, I'm not alone, things are great - everyone would be flipping the fuck out if I ever had a beer again. It's not worth scaring the shit out of my loved ones. The risks outweigh the benefits by far.

I never felt like a true alcoholic. I felt like I was lying to and about myself every time I called myself one. I had 3 counselors tell me I didn't fit the mold,  Other than I had gotten into trouble because I was drunk, but that didn't make me an alcoholic. None of my counselors knew how to help me because of that. They don't teach moderation in any of the rehab's I went to. At the time, I didn't need moderation, though. I just needed to quit.

It pisses me off when people who have no business calling me an alcoholic do. It's not for them to make that call. Nobody is going to define me with their labels. It is very rude and disrespectful to call someone something that will define them for the rest of their lives, based solely on their difficult times. People do change. Either you are an alcoholic or you aren't. And for somebody who has no real knowledge of the disease to tell you that you are something is really fucked up. I have always felt that way. I have read and studied so much on the disease and I still couldn't tell you if I am a TRUE alcoholic or if I was just self-medicating my deep depression. If I had come out of that depression before I started drinking would I have become this "alcoholic?" I doubt it.

I definitely know I had a serious problem. I know that if I were to get over confident and take the risk and have a drink, I am taking my life into my own hands. Because I might be able to control it for a period of time and things would seem great and I might think I'm in the clear. But I could just as easily fall on my face and destroy my entire life that I have worked too hard to rebuild. What I fell into depression again, which I often do, and then I lose control of myself again? Is it worth that risk?

I've stayed sober for 4 years without any outside help. I have helped myself  God has helped me stay sober. I firmly believe it is God who has kept me sober and I have to remind myself that. I gave him the problem and here I sit, nearly 4 years after the the WORST DAY of my life, sober, writing about how I may or may not be a true alcoholic. I know how a lot of people answer that. But it's not their place. I'm not asking for opinions on the subject. I have a pet peeve where people voice their opinions on my life and what they think is best for me and think they know me better than I know myself. Nobody knows me better than I know myself, except God, and I know myself way too well. I am capable of seeing the bad and the good. I am pretty clear about the kind of person I am, even when it seems I am questioning and unsure of who I am. That isn't the case. I ask questions of myself about myself and that is when I am able to get honest with myself. Judgmental people who like to tell others what is wrong with them and how to live ought to try it. It is quite eye opening, but it takes some serious guts to focus on your own issues rather than someone else's. I know that there will be people who are judging me right now and assume I am in "relapse mode." I know all the lingo. I assure you, that is not the case.

There have actually been a couple times when it was implied that because I was expressing anger, in a healthy way, mind you, that I was in relapse mode. It's just easier to blow someone's anger off as "she's an alcoholic and wants a drink" rather than "she's a person with feelings and she is expressing her feeling now instead of having a drink." That happens to me all the time. I get pissed off at my sister who stabbed me in the back, figuratively, and I vented on FB and my blog, like everyone does and I am accused of being in relapse mode by someone who claims to be sober 26 years but lives on pain med's and act like an addict. (This was quite a while back.) I'm just sayin'. Focus on your own damn problems and stop trying to "shrink" me. If you aren't a psychiatrist and are not in my life, I have no reason to hear you. I know that sounds a lot like judgement and I am guilty. I don't like hypocrites in recovery. Be honest. That is what I am doing now.

I imagine these are questions people in recovery ask themselves from time to time. I know how I feel about myself and I know enough about myself to know that I can't drink. I can't try to manage it, I can't drink like a non-alcoholic, though a lot of them drink like I used to. I won't give up what I've worked for to put this problem drinker theory to the test. And the last thing I will give anyone is a chance to say "told ya so." No thank you. Remain happily sober I will. I thank God every day for the life I have now and I am grateful.

So with that all said, I probably won't be writing here on My Life Sober much anymore. (Not that I have been anyway.) I am at Transforming Serenity now, as I said. I have been a while. It is not recovery focused, because my life's focus is not recovery. It is a thought that runs through my mind almost daily and I remind myself of where I once was and where I could end up if I drink again. This doesn't work for everyone but it has been working for me. Drinking is not something that I obsess about anymore. But if I ever do find myself thinking about it or if I come up a good alcoholics related post, I will probably write it at T.S. I will try to write an occasional update to let you all know how my sober life is going. Or you can come to my new blog and read about it there. Thanks to everyone who ever read this blog. I am truly grateful and I wish you the best.

New Beginnings and Second Chances

Shared custody of my kids starts 1-18-13. I am so happy! They will be back with me every other week. It has been 2 years since they have lived with me and that was only a few months. It was a year before that. It's been since Sept. 2009 since I had full custody of my kids. They are happy and excited, too.

I admit I am a little stressed. Most of that stress is because my ex still wants to control everything I do and my kids do when he has no say what goes on when it's my week. He thinks because he pays for most of the daycare and school that that means he is in charge. It won't be that way and he and I are going to butt heads, unless he backs off. I won't put up with his crap any more. Things won't be like they were last time. 

My kids are my first priority, despite what their dad thinks and says. His wife and her mom are already running their mouths in front of the kids about stuff. The kids tell me all the time that they are saying bad things about me. I know I can't let it get to me. I don't care what they or anyone thinks of me, but they don't need to express their opinions in front of my kids. It makes the kids feel bad when someone is saying mean things about their mom. They should be thinking of the best interest of the kids and not getting at me.

It might take a little time for us to get in a routine. But I know it will work out. If I can just stay calm with the ex and not let him push my buttons, it'll be fine. 

I am just so ready for them to be home. I've been waiting for this moment a long time. It is finally here.

I am coming up on 2 years of sobriety. That feels amazing. Even though I am stressed, I am sober and I believe fully that I will stay sober. 

I ran into my old counselor from treatment last weekend. She helped me through a very rough time in my life. She was the best counselor I have ever had. She had been through addiction before, so she knew what it was like. She said it like it was, but was caring also. She told me she had postpartum depression and relapsed. I felt really bad for her. 

I know how postpartum depression can be. It is hard. I had it, worse with each child. After my third baby, it was the worst. I felt like I was literally going crazy. But hearing her just reminded me that no alcoholic or addict is incapable of relapsing. Even the person who seems the strongest in their recovery can still relapse. We all have our struggles in life and we all have another relapse in us. But we don't all have another recovery in us. I know I don't. It's prison or death for me. I do stupid shit when I drink and every relapse is worse than it was before I quit.

I believe my old counselor will be okay. I hope. It sucks seeing someone you look up to stumble or fall, but it happens to the best of us. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Nobody is perfect and I think it would be nice to see more compassion from people. Some people think they are perfect and like to point out other peoples faults. They forget that not too long ago they made a mistake or did something they wish they didn't do. Maybe it wasn't as big a mistake as the ones I've made or someone else, but they've messed up non the less.

So lets try showing some compassion to others today. You never know who you'll come into contact with that might really need it and how you could positively impact a persons life. Don't judge a book by it's cover and don't judge a person because you heard something about them. Give them a chance and get to know them for yourself. That is what I am going to work on. I will attempt not to judge those who judge me. I will attempt to give them a chance to get to know me and show them why not everything they have heard is the truth.

Until next time, have a wonderful week.