A Little Encouragement For the Alcoholic

Hey. It's been a long time since I've been here. I haven't written much at all, here or on my other blog. I've been busy with other things and haven't made the time to write. I do this all the time, though. I vow to write more, then you never hear from me again. 

My Facebook Page Supporting Alcoholics In Recovery has had quite a bit of likes over the past few months. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe because I changes the name a few months ago from Alcoholics in Recovery to Supporting Alcoholics In Recovery? I've had this page for at least 2 or 3 years, so the sudden interest is nice. I wish that when I started it I had made it maybe a closed group so people would feel more comfortable sharing. But I didn't really know anything about Facebook groups, communities or pages when I started it. I was just winging it. Maybe I can change it or create a new group. That will take up a bit of time, though, moderating (is that a word?) 

Robert Downey Jr. is an inspiration to me.

I started this blog for many reasons, but one reason was to offer some encouragement to others. I don't know how much help I could be to people or how much advise I can actually offer. I'm not a counselor or anything like that. All I can do is tell my story and what my experience is. 

I really just wanted people, especially women and mothers, to know they aren't alone. I felt so alone for the years I was an active alcoholic. Nobody understood what I was going through. People thought I could just make a choice to quit. "If you really loved your kids..." they would say. It's not that simple. 

In treatment there was a sign hanging on the wall, a sign that I hated at the time and didn't understand. It said, "There's nothing stronger than a mothers love...except addiction." I understand it now. I loved my kids more than anything and I would do anything for them. I would have died for them. But I could not stop drinking. I wanted to. I attempted to multiple times. But the craving and the need for alcohol always overcame my best efforts. Nobody understood what I was going through, even I didn't really understand it.

My point is, if I have a point, is that every now and then I am reminded of what I went through and the feelings I had during my drinking days and during early recovery. Being reminded makes me want to get back to my original goal - offering hope and encouragement. I am grateful that people are finding my page and I hope I can offer encouragement along the way, even if people aren't comfortable engaging. Maybe I will start a support group on Facebook. That will take some serious thought, though. Alcoholism isn't a daily thought for me anymore and I'm not sure I want it to be. I realize that isn't the case for a lot of people in recovery. It's all they might think about. Especially early recovery. I feel lucky for the fact that I can go about my day to day without obsessing over alcohol. But I can't say that I never think about it. I can't say there aren't times when I wish I could be like other people in terms of drinking. But I've accepted I can't. 

A few weeks ago, I was at a football game. We had box seats that were shared with some people we didn't know. I was making my food at the counter and there was a huge bottle of Vodka sitting there, which was my drink of choice. I had no desire, craving or anything for it. I actually felt a bit nauseated by it. I say that not to brag, but to offer hope. At one time, Vodka consumed me as much as I consumed it. Now, I can be in the same room with it and feel nothing but disgust. 

Life is good. God is good. Change is possible for those who really want it. And please don't wait until you hit rock bottom to stop drinking. Bottom could be the death of someone innocent, or even yourself.

Please follow my page (links above). It's for anyone in recovery, struggling with recovery, wanting to get sober or for those with loved ones in recovery or still struggling. It is meant to be a supportive place to find encouragement and hope, to give and receive. 

Being Humble In Recovery

Being humble in recover isn't always easy. Sometimes you want to justify your actions and behaviors or you want to blame other people for your actions because they treated you bad or lied about you or whatever the case. It's easy to let pride stand in the way of admitting to others and ourselves what we have done wrong. Maybe those people really did do things to hurt you and the stress and pain led you down the path of alcoholism. But the fact is that we make our own decisions. Nobody forces us to do anything (in most cases). 

Part of recovery is making changes to our personality. Probably the most important change is to humble ourselves. Not only in recovery, but in life. God says very clearly to be humble. We need to humble ourselves before Him to allow Him into our hearts. But we should also humble ourselves before others to allow them into our hearts and our lives. 

Quote from Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional.

People can try our patience and cause us to become defensive in the life of recovery. Sometimes they aren't willing to forgive our mistakes, despite the positive changes and progress we are making. Sometimes being humble means staying quiet. People will say hurtful things and sometimes they refuse to see or acknowledge our growth. It hurts, but we can't allow others to dictate how we behave anymore. We need to be humble. We can state clearly that the past is behind us and we are moving forward and hope our loved ones will one day see for themselves. But we need to fight the urge to become defensive, as hard as it can be.

Part of being humble is helping others. When we see others who are down and out or are trying to make positive life choices, we help in whatever way we can. Help a neighbor or a single mother or a child with whatever task they are working on. When we help others, we help ourselves. It feels good to offer kindness and we should expect nothing in return. This isn't only the way in recovery, but the Christian way. It's the way Christ told us to live. Be a servant of the Lord.




It's important for me to stop and think about these things sometimes. Life tends to get in the way of us doing what we know we should be doing. That's why having a good devotional is important. I pulled out my Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional the other day. It is by far the best devotional I have. It offers a paragraph for the alcoholic in recovery - a daily thought. It also offers a meditation for the day - a paragraph pertaining to our relationship with God. Then it has a prayer for the day - a paragraph for us to think about throughout the day. 

My devotional has been well loved!

My devotional was given to me about 6 years ago, when I first attempted to get sober, by a nice woman in AA. As I've mentioned, I no longer go to AA. I haven't in over 3 1/2 years. So I don't know what ever happened to her. I have other methods of staying sober; getting in touch with my Higher Power is the main way for me. This devotional is amazing. Even the non-alcoholic could appreciate this book. We all have personality or character defects that cause us to do things or behave in a way that isn't the best and we should be addressing those defects. This book helps us look at ourselves in a new way. I love it. I hadn't read it about a year or so, so I'm making a fresh start. Today's thoughts on being humble was inspired by this book.

You can read more about being humble in the Bible. 

                                    1 Peter 5:6 says 

                                                            "Humble yourselves, therefore, 
                                                              under the mighty hand of God 
                                                              so that at the proper time he  
                                                                        may exalt you,"

                                   Philippians 2:3-11 says:

                                                            "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit,
                                                             but in humility count others more significant than                                                                              yourselves.
                                                             Let each of you look not only to his own interests, 
                                                             but also to the interests of others.
                                                             Have this mind among yourselves,
                                                             which is yours in Christ Jesus, who,
                                                             though he was in the form of God,
                                                             did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
                                                             but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,
                                                             being born in the likeness of men..."

Ask yourself, "have I been humbling myself before God and man?" I know I could do better myself. 

What are your thoughts on humility?
                                                               

Remaking This Blog & Thoughts On Recovery

I have been thinking about this blog off and on for a while. This blog was my first and writing here was very therapeutic for me during the most difficult time of my life. But once I felt like I had gotten my life together, I didn't feel I needed to write here anymore.

I have been sober for over 4 years. February 6 is my sobriety date. It came and went without a thought until about a day or two later. I don't know what exactly that means. I have been sober longer than what I would consider to be in full on alcohol addiction. I drank off and on for several years, but the hard core drinking only lasted a couple years, with very brief periods of sobriety, or being dry.

I don't live the kind of sober life that most people in recovery do. I don't go to AA meetings and I haven't been to one since my 6 month anniversary. The meeting in my town is not for me. Some of the "old-timers" are not for me. I wasn't ready to open up - I have a lot of social anxiety. I don't like speaking in front of groups of people - until I get comfortable with them. Some of the people in this meeting didn't want to give me that time and space to get comfortable enough to trust and open up. So, after one humiliating meeting, I never returned. 

I have nothing against meetings at all. I think in very early recovery meetings can be the difference between having a drink and not having a drink. But for me personally, I always left a meeting wanting a drink more than I did before I went to one. 

I haven't had any strong desire to have a drink in years. It is not something I think about. Alcohol is not on my mind on a regular basis. I am pretty much only reminded of it when I see it. When I see drunk people on t.v., particularly reality shows, like on MTV or Bravo, I am reminded of why I no longer drink. Drunk people are stupid and annoying. No offense, of course. I took stupid and annoying to a whole new level. I was an insane drunk. 

So, why am I back here? I don't drink. I don't have a desire to drink. I don't go to AA and I no longer read the Big Book. I haven't put much effort into the actual recovery process. I just worked on my own personal issues that led me to drink. So why come back? This blog did become a niche blog, despite my intentions to not be. It's kind of hard not to be in the recovery niche when your blog name is My Life Sober, amirite? I write a less nichey blog, so what am I doing writing this post now? I guess I feel like there is unfinished business on this blog. I feel like there are people out there who might need some inspiration. I realize that sounds a bit arrogant and that isn't my intention. I wish when I was first recovering, there was a blog out there written by someone I could relate to. 

 I still have plenty of thoughts on alcoholism and addiction. The problem is that my views and opinions are based off of MY OWN experiences. My personal experience, my experience in rehab - three times to be exact; one inpatient, 2 outpatient. My brief stays in jail due to drunken arrests and my experience dealing with people who are battling their own demons. Because it's based mostly off experience and not something I was taught in "substance abuse school," some people might not like my opinions. But I'm not writing for those people. 

One opinion I have is that substance abuse counselors should be in recovery themselves. During my 3 times in rehab, I had 6 different counselors. Tell me that's not f'd up. I have had counselors that have never been an alcoholic or addict. I've had counselors who were hard core addicts, but were in recovery and working their own program. Who do you think I responded to the best? The people who have been where I have been. The woman who knew first hand how I felt losing my children because she too once lost her kids. The woman who showed me first hand that you can be the lowest of the low at the darkest point in your life, then fight your way back up and get your kids back. The woman who called me out in a respectful yet firm manner. The one who listened and didn't assume she knew everything about me simply because I'm an alcoholic and we are "all the same." She knew better than that and she knew that my story isn't the same as the next alcoholic or addict. I have my own story. And she listened and helped me see a better way.

My point is I don't trust many counselors in this area. The ones who get their info from books rather than experience worry me. The ones I have had didn't listen. They felt they knew it all and I knew nothing about myself. They undermined everything I said and believed and when I disagreed with them on their opinions not facts, they would pull out the "you're an alcoholic, you aren't smarter than me" card. They treated us like we had lived our whole lives wrong without ever knowing anything about our lives. I don't respond well to that. I don't know an alcoholic or addict who does. 

I have my own thought on AA. It isn't for everyone and it isn't the only way a person can get and stay sober. It has it's place, but I don't believe it's the end all be all. I know that is controversial in the recovery world because you're taught that AA or CA or NA is the ONLY WAY. It's not. GOD is the only way. Or whatever your higher power is. AA teaches that too but they also treat AA as if it is some higher power and is to be trusted more than God. I've been to some good meetings but people rely more on the meeting than God's power.

I know and have known since about February 6th or 7th, 2011, when I was laying in a jail cell contemplating suicide because I knew I couldn't live with myself and what I had done. I planned to find a way to do it. My kids were better off, right? How could I ever face them again? My babies. My life. I couldn't live with it. But God showed me a better way. He allowed those awful things to happen to give me another chance. No, it shouldn't have happened, but it forced me to realize what I was doing. I hadn't only been hurting myself. I had been hurting my kids. And I had actually hurt my child because of the alcohol. I couldn't kill myself and leave them so many questions and they would always doubt my love for them and maybe even blame themselves. I wouldn't allow that to happen. I was determined to change. I would stop drinking. That was no longer an option. I would have to find a way to deal with the pain I was carrying with me. 

I worked for 2 years on myself and didn't have one drink and I got my kids back. That wasn't all me. It was God. I have always known it is God who keeps me sober. Once I start trying to take control of the situation back from Him, that is when I will fail. I gave it to Him and I believe that is where it will stay. As long as I leave it there. 

I won't say these 4 years have been all easy. I have had a couple very brief moments in the past where I thought, "I really wish I could have a drink right now." But it is always replaced with "but I can't have A drink." I have questioned whether I am a full blown alcoholic or was I a problem drinker. I was seriously depressed and I began using alcohol as a form of medication. It only intensified my depression. But was I just drinking so much because I was so depressed and things in my life weren't good? Could I handle it now? Could I have one drink? Could I drink if I stayed away from the hard stuff? I'm in a better place now, maybe it was just circumstances? 

But maybe it wasn't. And it just isn't worth the risk. It isn't worth losing my kids over for good just to try it, hoping for the best. It doesn't matter if I was just a problem drinker and I am healed now. As far as everyone and their mom is concerned, I'm an alcoholic. If anyone thought I had even one measly wine cooler, I would be called a drunk and I would have my kids taken and people would be talking more than they already do. Even if it really was only one drink. It doesn't matter. 

I've worked too hard to get where I am. Even if nobody gives me credit for what I have done, I know what I have done and been through. I quit drinking cold turkey. Yes, I had to, if I ever wanted to see my kids again. But some people lose their kids and that isn't enough to make them stop what they are doing. They might want to but they can't. It is a choice, but isn't that simple for everyone. 

We aren't all the same. We all have a different and unique story. I don't like alcoholics and addicts being lumped into a stereotypical category. We are the same in some ways and so completely different in others. It would be wise for counselors to realize that.

I am going to use this blog to write about this subject as well as self healing. Not self medicating, but self healing. I am going to go a bit of a different route with this blog, but I will stick with the recovery niche. I will write the story of how I got here and I hope it helps another struggling mother. My opinions might not be conventional, and I'm not a specialist, a counselor or doctor. Just someone who's been there. I hope I can offer something on the subject.

I write at Transforming Serenity and that is my priority blog, but I will start making this blog more of a priority as well. I want to have a sense of humor here, because you have to in some situations. So don't be offended. I plan to be very honest about my thoughts on things. I've done some shitty things in my life and I've had a lot of shitty things happen to me. If you are interested and read, thank you.