Nothing is Stronger Than a Mothers Love...

I recently read in the paper about an acquaintance of mine who was arrested for battery and disorderly conduct. This wasn't her first arrest on similar charges, in fact, a year ago she did jail time for battery on an LEO. She was drunk when she got arrested that time and I am assuming that was the case this time as well.

It's been about a year since I have seen her. We did a little time in jail together and before that, we were in treatment together. In jail, she never pretended she wanted to get sober. She seemed convinced that she was bound to live as a raging alcoholic forever. She seemed scared that this disease would kill her, however, that fear wasn't enough. The depression and anxiety she suffered was far worse in her mind. When she was sober, she had to feel whatever feelings she had. That may have been worse in her opinion than the pain alcoholism brought her life.

She has a few young children, who live with their dad. From what she said, he never tried to keep those children from her; he allowed her to see them whenever she wanted to, (which I think is amazing on his part). But she chose to drink instead. It was obvious she loves her boys, but as I've heard it said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love...except for her addiction." I've offered myself and my situation as an example of that statement, but this woman is another example. No matter how strong your love for your children is, it's not always enough to keep you sober. You have to want it for yourself.

I believe she may be looking at prison time now. She's had many chances to get her life together. I just don't think she wanted to. Maybe she just didn't feel she deserved another chance. Maybe she was so consumed with shame and guilt, that the only thing she could do was drink those feelings away. I can relate to that, and I know so many others can also. Until she deals with those feelings, she's bound to keep returning to what feels comfortable to her.

I know what it is like to battle depression. I also know what it is like to suffer some bouts with anxiety. You feel like you are crazy; like you are losing your mind. You don't know why or what is wrong with you and no matter what you do, you just can't get over it. The more you try and fail, or the more other people try to help you, the crazier you feel. And you can't understand what is happening to you. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just feel "normal?" It's a difficult feeling to explain, and unless you've been there yourself, it's difficult to understand.

So, some of us drink or use other drugs, in an attempt to feel something. Or in an attempt to not feel what we're feeling. We drink because we're depressed, and we become more depressed because we drink. Alcohol is a depressant. It might work to numb ourselves from whatever feelings we have, but soon, it only amplifies those feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle. And then you feel helpless.

I feel for this woman. I had hoped she would get it together last year, after she was released from jail. But honestly, I didn't think she would. She wasn't ready. She hadn't hit bottom yet. For some people, everything she had gone through would've been bottom. An alcoholic or addict, who is sober, can usually spot the one who is not yet ready. And you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

For her sake, and her children's, I hope she has hit bottom. It will only get worse if she hasn't. Prison can sober you up, but until you deal with what is going on inside of you, you're just going to go back to your old patterns and behaviors when you get out; if you get out.

Anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism...they do go hand in hand.


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Filling the Void (What is addiction?)

A woman I work with told me she had been reading my blog and had found it inspiring. I am grateful to anyone who reads my work and has good things to say about it. The fact that she is not an alcoholic or addict and found my blog inspiring touched me; I wish to inspire anyone who just wants a better life. She said that everyone has had their addictions, it doesn't have to be alcohol or drugs, it can be anything: food, working, sex, money, shopping, dieting, exercise, caffeine, etc. I've been hooked on chapstick forever, and Pepsi Max. Then she said something else and put it in such a way the she inspired me. She said, "addiction is just a void that we are trying to fill." She went on to say that God made us that way because we are supposed to be filled with Him. He allows us to hit bottom so that we will turn to Him.

In my last post, God's Will Be Done, I wrote about my experience; when I felt God speak to me and how I now know why God allowed me to go through the things I've gone through. I was searching for something. I look back and I know that since I was a teenager, I was searching. what I really wanted was love. We all do, right? I wanted to feel really loved.

I had a few boyfriends in high school, nothing serious. I always seemed to date the same type of guys; someone with a serious void of their own that they were trying to fill...a void I could never fill for them. I would definately say the first thing I used as a substance, other than rock n' roll, was men. No, I didn't sleep around in high school; I as too shy and reserved for that. Once I got out of school, however, things changed. I used whoever I was seeing at the time and sex to try to feel good. But no amount of sex or man ever filled the void within myself, and I had such high expectations for these men that I was always left disappointed.

Then I got pregnant. I thought that this baby was all the love I would ever need. The love I have for my children is eternal. It's immortal; it will never die. Even after I'm gone, the love I have for them will still be out there, forever present. But that still wasn't enough to fill the hole inside of me.

I was already depressed and my depression just grew. Nothing made me feel good. I turned to alcohol. For a brief period, it did make me feel good. It made me feel something. It helped me forget for a little while how miserable I was. I was so unhappy and the more I looked to things and other people, the worse I felt.

It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and finally heard God speak to my heart and soul, that I started feeling better.  That void was beginning to be filled. It wasn't a complete and immediate transformation, but it as pretty close. I knew what I was searching for. I knew my answer was my Father in Heaven.

I still have things to work on. I know God gives me things to work on so I won't become too complacent. I still turn to food for comfort sometimes. And when I am bored. But that conversation I had with my co-worker really inspired me. I don't need to turn to food, or anything; I can give that issue up to God, just as I gave Him my issue with alcohol. He will take it off my hands. He is fulfilling His promise of giving me a new hope and a future.

Not me

I don't have to live with any addiction, I'm in need for nothing but God's love, mercy, and grace. With Him I can do anything, I can overcome any obstacle.

My new goal is to stop obsessing about my weight and start focusing on the Lord and the dreams He has placed in my heart. I have the love I have always wanted. God has given that to me freely. And He has put people in my life to be expressions of His love. I look to Him for fulfillment.

What have you been addicted to? Nobody likes to think or themselves as being addicted to anything, but we all have had our vices. Caffeine, maybe? How are you handling it?

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God's Will Be Done

"God's will not mine," is something I've heard said a lot. Especially in treatment. Any time somebody would get pissed off at someone else, that would be their response. It's something you say and you think you really mean it, but do you? What does that mean anyway? When you say "God's will be done," are you following it up with, "but please, just give me what I want?" I know I have.

For the past year and a half, I've wanted a couple things so badly; to win the lottery...duh...and most importantly, my children. I have given up on the lottery, but I pray for my kids every day. In the beginning of all of this, I didn't really care what God's will was, to be honest; I just wanted my kids. It took making a choice to get to know my Higher Power on another level to start feeling differently. Gradually building a stronger relationship with my Lord, to realize that He wants good things for my life. He wants good things for my children's lives. I believe that and I have hope in that, no matter how difficult things can be.

I used to ask, "Why, God, why? Why did you let this happen?" I believe I know now. After reading countless books on spirituality, books about God and Heaven; reading Scripture, anything I can find on the internet, and after so much soul searching, I have gradually figured it out. I believe with all my heart, it is so I would become stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So I would get over myself and my selfishness (I still have my selfish moments), and come back to Him. He figuratively slapped me in the face with reality and said, "wake up! Look what you are doing to yourself and to your kids. You're life can be so much better, if you just put your faith in Me." I know I am supposed to help people, with my story; my experiences.

I used to ask, "why is it that certain other people can drink to their hearts content, and act like complete idiots? They are clearly alcoholics, yet they never get into any trouble? But when I start drinking, I get into all sorts of stupid trouble and get arrested and shit. That's not fair, why do they keep getting away with it and I don't?" I actually did ask that question while having a conversation with my husband and the very instant it left my mouth, I was hit with the answer. Like a voice from Heaven, I heard, "Because I have a better plan for your life. I allowed you to fall hard, so that I could lift you up." I, seriously, broke down in tears. I finally had my eyes open.

I still get all emotional when I think about that moment. It changed a lot for me. No, it wasn't an overnight, "everything is perfect now" change. It was just the beginning.It gave me renewed hope. That's when I began to accept God's will for my life, whatever that was. I still struggled with giving up control. But that truly is what "God's will be done" means. Accepting that you are not in control of your own destiny. God is. If you're fighting for control of your own life and everyone else's and everything around you, as I was, you're not living for God's will. His will is not always my will. I still catch myself thinking and saying things like, "I'm in charge of my life, nobody else controls me." Then that still small voice says, "no, I'm in control." I know if I take that control back out of God's loving hands and into my own, I am doomed. I will end up back down the path I was on. Drunk, self-destructive, destroying everything I love and have worked so hard to gain. I know there may come difficult times; God never promised to make life easy. But I know that true peace and happiness will come from my relationship with Him.

Now, when I say, "God's will be done," I truly mean it, because I know He has a perfect plan already laid out for me. As long as I trust in Him, everything will work out, according to that plan. When I begin to stray, He will pull me back to Him, somehow, some way. With that knowledge, I have peace.





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Me and Booze (The Break Up)

Not Me

I used to wonder why and how I could become an alcoholic. Without placing the blame on somebody else for how they "made me feel," there is no explanation or reason. Addiction doesn't discriminate. It was gradual, but sudden at the same time. My tolerance grew more and more and it took longer to "feel" the way I wanted to. I was always chasing the feeling alcohol gave me in the beginning, before I was hooked. I never found that feeling again, no matter how much I drank, what I drank or how fast I drank it. I was miserable; I was ashamed. I would wake up after the first night of a bender, feeling guilty and ashamed. So I would start drinking again. It was a vicious cycle. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank.

I would sober up after a 2-3 day bender and I wouldn't drink for a couple weeks ('til next pay day), but the feelings of guilt and shame never went away. With people constantly checking up on me and reminding me of what I did or said, those feelings wouldn't leave. People were concerned about the kids, and me. But I just didn't want to hear it. I wanted to forget and I wasn't being allowed to. Why did they think I was drinking in the first place? I didn't want to feel those negative emotions. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I wanted to be left alone; to isolate with the one thing that I thought gave me a little peace of mind; my friend, my vodka.

Like with any relationship, you want it to work so much, whether it's good for you or not. You think you can change things to make it better, make it different. I tried to drink less, that never worked. I tried to switch back to beer; yeah, right, I could drink a whole case of beer. I tried to set limitations and boundaries, but once I got a taste of it, I couldn't stop until I was physically incapable of taking another drink. I knew it wasn't good for me; it wasn't good for my family, but I just couldn't get enough.

So I tried to end it; tried to sever all ties to it. (It's really hard to give something up when it keeps finding it's way back to you.) I tried to forget it completely, because that's what I do, I TRY to forget. But my mind was consumed with it. I was obsessed. Everywhere I looked, there it was; on t.v. in magazines. The liquor store beckoned me every time I left the house.

There was no escaping, so I'd give in. I'd convince myself it would be just this one time. Just one more try. Then I would stop.I wouldn't get out of control; I wouldn't do anything stupid. How many times do you have to hurt or be hurt to become convinced something isn't good for you? How many arrests and days spent in jail does it take? For me, it was 3 arrests and approximately 53 days in jail total before I got it.

My relationship with alcohol is like a metaphor for my relationship with my ex, or vise-versa. They are one in the same. I knew it wasn't good, I knew it was destroying from the inside out. I knew it would never change and that I would never be the woman I wanted to be as long as I held on to the relationship.

At one time, it truly was like a break up. I was so sad and depressed the first time I tried to get sober. I was lonely. Alcohol was my comfort, my best pal. I was alone without it, I thought. But I finally let go of both. It took hitting rock bottom for me to accept reality. I had to face the truth and accept it so that I could move on to bigger, better and brighter things. And that's what I did. I severed all ties and all the feelings I used to have. And surprisingly, once I make up my mind, it was easy. No, not the work that I had to do no myself afterwords, but giving up what was destroying me was. I was on the road to recovery and true happiness followed close behind.


When I look back, at both relationships, I wonder, "why?" What the hell was so great about them? Obviously, 4 wonderful children came out of one relationship, but that was about it. The alcohol? I don't know. It seems pointless sometimes.There's no reason that will ever make sense to me, other than it's a disease. It's an obsession of the mind, an allergy of the body. My mind and body don't react to alcohol the way a normal persons does.

Now, I am focusing on the positive. Growth is my goal. I've learned a very hard lesson and I have grown from it, as a mother, as a woman, as a human being. I don't ask why anymore, because I know that God allowed me to go through it all for a reason. So that I would become a better, stronger person and I would have something to offer other people...Hope.


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Beautiful Gifts From God

I had my kids Friday evening for my visit. See, I don't have custody of my kids right now because of  my past alcoholism. I am getting closer to getting them back home. It's been a long hard struggle; harder than it would be for most people in this situation simply because I have had someone fighting against me every step of the way. But I won't get into that this post.

I had a wonderful visit. My kids are always so happy when they are with me. We play; I feed them. Our routine is mainly me feeding them supper and later a snack I show my love for people by feeding them. My kids have come to expect and look forward to the meals and snacks as much as seeing me. I try to give them something new and fun each time.

My youngest, N, is almost 4. He is so little. He eats like a horse, though, and when he eats a lot, he gets so hyper. I have never seen anything like it. It doesn't have to be a sugar filled meal; I try to feed them healthy. But he gets so goofy and wound up. He was laying on his stomach doing these back bends, touching his feet to his head, and next thing I know, he has his little foot touching his mouth. He thought it was so funny, and it probably didn't help that my husband, mom and I were laughing so hard. I was crying. I've said it before, he is my silly, little guy. I just love him to death. I was going to get a pic, but he decided he ate too much his tummy hurt.

My beautiful daughter, K and I painted each others fingernails. It is those moments that I miss on a daily basis because of the choices I made. She wants to come back home, she tells me all the time. So does N and R, my 7 year old. He wants to be with me so badly. He can be himself with me and he doesn't have to "behave" a certain way.

 L, my oldest at 11, sometimes mentions coming home, but he is at that age. He is the one I hurt during my blackout, so I know he has mixed emotions. Once we finally get into family therapy, hopefully the healing will begin. Sometimes I can tell he wants to come home, but he has reservations, which is understandable, considering. It's the anxiety I talked about in my post "How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children." It hurts, but I don't blame him at all. Each visit with him is different. One day, he is affectionate and the next, he's distant and irritable. He is at the age where that is typical, so I try not to take it too personally. I am stepping lightly with him, while still trying to be a parent.

My kids are everything to me. They are so amazing. Every mother knows how I feel. I don't deserve them, but they are mine. My children. My beautiful gifts from God, who loved me enough to bless me with those living miracles. I have taken my role as mother for granted and for that I will always feel guilty. But the whole situation I created has taught me a lot. Don't ever take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate every moment you have with them; if you don't you'll forever regret it. Love your children and be patient with them. Hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them. And most importantly, show them you love them.


Related Posts:
Meet My Kids
My Soul Mate, My Angel
My Choice to Forgive
17 Months Sober


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How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children: Update 4/7/14

Doing the research for this post was a bit painful, as I could see the effects in my own children. I know it is a necessary part of healing my family, though. My children and I haven't yet been able to work through all the details of my alcohol addiction and how it affected them, because we have been kept from getting counseling by their father. But we are finally getting there. My hope is that my children don't succumb to this disease.

Statistics say that children of alcoholics are 4 times more likely than non-COA's to become alcoholics. And that boys are at higher risk than girls.

It is estimated that 6.6 million children under age 18 live in a household with at least 1 alcoholic parent. And 1 in 5 American adults have lived with an alcoholic growing up. More than 43% of the population has been exposed to alcoholism in the family; 28 million Americans have seen at least 1 parent suffer. That's crazy.

Alcoholism runs in families. I have 3 boys and 1 girl. Their mom is a recovering alcoholic and their dad has abused alcohol regularly, their hole lives and to this day. Their paternal grandparents are alcoholics. They have been exposed to it more times than I can count; more than any child should ever be. No child should be exposed to alcoholism, period, but that's the world we live in. The statistics are scary. And sad. I'm not sure what my excuse is, though, because I was never exposed to any alcohol abuse growing up. While I believe I have alcoholic or recovering family members, no one in my immediate family drinks. My exposure began with my children's father, but as an adult.

The psychological impact on children includes feelings of:

• Guilt, where they believe they are the cause;
• Anxiety- they are constantly worried about the parent and what is going to happen;
• Embarrassment- the child is too ashamed to have friends over;
• Unable to trust or have close relationships;
• Confusion- the alcoholic parent is unpredictable, going from loving and kind to angry, for no apparent reason. There is no set schedule or routine, which children need.
• Anger
• Depression- child feels lonely and helpless.

Looking back, I can see so much of this in my children during my drinking period. I still see some signs of it. I think anxiety was one of the biggest. They never knew if when they got home from school, it was going to be a good day or a bad day.

Other signs and behaviors of COA:

• Failure in school

  

  photo by Tonya Marie

• Withdrawal-lack of friends
• Delinquent behavior- stealing, fighting, lying;
• Frequent physical complaints, like headaches, stomachaches;
• Drug or alcohol abuse;
• Risk taking behaviors;
• Aggression toward other kids;
• Depression or suicidal thoughts.

Some go the opposite direction and develop obsessive compulsive disorder and have a need to be perfect. Some children have the family role of "hero," where they take care of the parent and the other children. They are overachievers. This is usually the eldest child. There are other family roles as well.

It is important for adults to recognize the signs so that they can reach out and help. (Most can see the signs but might be unsure of the cause.) It is hard for me to say that because I think a lot of people just want to play the hero and swoop in and take children from their home, instead of helping the whole family to get help and stay together. It is not easy on children to be taken out of their home either; that is very painful. But in some cases, it is the only option. The children are the most important thing and if the parent won't get help...

While some children go on to become alcoholics, others don't. Some suffer negative consequences due to a parents' alcoholism, a larger portion function well and don't develope serious problems. The children who don't, seem to have other adults in their lives who offer positive attention. They have good communication skills, average intelligence, they have a caring attitude, a desire to achieve, and belief in self help. My husband is one of those children. He does not drink and he had family he could rely on. My children had my parents during my alcoholism and have offered them a sense of normalcy through it all.

Alcoholism hurts our children, plain and simple. I was in such denial about how it was affecting my kids. I as in denial about my addiction altogether. Even now that I am sober, they are living with the aftermath of it, as am I. Not only that, they are still being exposed to it in another home, (which is very frustrating!) It is hard for me to relate to what they are going through emotionally, because I did not grow up around it. I am only beginning to grasp their pain. And it kills me knowing that I caused it.

Professional help is crucial. It is important for the kids to be able to speak about their feelings and to be reassured that what their parent has done is not in any way their fault. If the parent has gotten sober, it is important for them to have family therapy. It could be a long process. The parent has to earn or re-earn their child's trust. That takes time. It won't happen over night; it could take years. Patience is very important.

I wish that nobody had to experience the pain of this disease. Education is important. So many people continue to suffer, and we need to help any way we can. There is help out there and plenty of kind, non-judgmental people willing to help. I am thankful my children have their mother back, but I know that they may still have fear and anxiety about whether or not I will drink again. My continued sobriety is something I will have to show them. I plan to show them that people can and do change if they really want it and work at it. I plan to show them that people can recover from this disease and the mistakes that come with it.

UPDATE: My children and I have since had counseling and I now share custody with their dad. I know that there will always be some feelings and questions there, but we have rebuilt trust. It takes time, but with consistency and patience, that trust can be rebuilt. Just keep doing the next right thing; for yourself and your kids.


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Drunk Dialing (What was I Thinking & How Do I Prevent it?)

I don't know about you,  but I did my fair share of drunk dialing/texting  in my drinking days. I wrote about some of my embarrassing experiences in my post "Go Ahead, Laugh."  I think most people at one time or another, alcoholic or not, are guilty of it. You go out , have a few too many drinks and you suddenly have the courage to call that ex of yours and tell him exactly what you think of him /her and their new girl/boy-friend. Guilty! Been there done that! Only I did more of a black out drunk dial most of the time. (And I was usually home alone.) I'd wake up with the feeling that I called somebody, but couldn't remember who exactly it was, or the conversation. Pink's song "Sober" comes to mind. People would want to "remind" me of the call and conversation and I'm like "I don't remember, why do you wanna keep talking about it?" It's embarrassing as hell.

So why do we do it? Obviously, alcohol gives us the courage to do stuff we'd never do sober. I would never do or say almost 100% of the shit I did drunk. I'm sure a lot of it was loneliness and boredom. I ended up having drunken booty calls on more than one occasion. It's too easy to get a man in bed. But would I have wanted them if I was sober? Probably not.
                                                   
                                     
                                                   Drunk Dialing Video on YouTube 

So, is there any way to avoid the dreaded drunk dial? Well, here are a few tips:

1. Either don't drink as much, or if this happens a lot, maybe stop drinking altogether.

2. There are actually apps for your phone to help prevent drunk dialing.

3. If you are going out with friends clubbing or what-have-you, give your phone to your designated driver, or
    leave your phone at home.

4. If you're like I was and drink at home alone, and make calls out of boredom or loneliness, the only
    solution I can think of is back at #1, stop drinking. Drinking alone is a sign of a bigger problem. That is the
    option I have gone with and it is working out great!

Our society makes a fortune on peoples stupid drunken antics, and a lot of people are happy to have a video
of themselves on YouTube. But the reality is, it's not always funny and can cause you a lot of embarrassment way into the future. Employers actually look up prospective employees on google before hiring them. Do yourself a favor and try to prevent making a fool out of yourself any way you can. What seems funny now can come back and bite you in the ass. It's okay to laugh at yourself, but why have everyone else laughing at you if you can prevent it?                      

                                            How to Recover From a Drunk Dial on You Tube



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The Devil's Mistress (Ode to My Nemesis)

                             Does it make you feel good about yourself to treat me like you do?

                                     You walk around full of arrogance and entitlement. 

                                          What are you entitled to? I'd like to know.

                                                          All that belongs to me.

                                     You take and you take, without any empathy inside you.

                  You don't even try to relate to what I've been through, when you've been through it too.

                                                                       Who are you?

                                                            A thief that's what you are.

                                                      A slithering snake; the devils child.             

                                                I see you for what you are; you think I don't

                                                   You think your schemes are lost on me.

                                                          They aren't; I'm on to you.

                                                          I have been since day one.

                                             You want what's mine; but who can blame you;

                                               Beautiful things have come from this hot mess.

                                          One day the slingshot of karma will put you in your place;

                                            And you'll look in the mirror and see what is real; 

                                                  what you've tried so hard to disguise.

                                                     And maybe remorse will hit you ;

                                 maybe everything that you love will be taken by another snake,

                                                                   The devils mistress.

                                                                And maybe it'll hit you.......

                                                            it didn't have to be this way.

"Aspen Snake Bedding"

"Exo Terra Snake Cave"

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Go Ahead, Laugh

I'm a pretty shy person by nature.

One thing I always admired about Charlie Sheen, love or hate him, is his ability to laugh at himself. Back when he was still sober, that is.When he was sober, the cracks made on two and half men about booze and hookers was funny. It was cool that he was in on the joke and didn't take himself too seriously. But once it became obvious he was using again, not so funny.

My point? It is okay to laugh at yourself.

In my life, I can look back at some of the stupid shit I've done and make small jokes, or elude at something. I have to. I can't dwell on it. Some of it, while not funny at the time, I can look back and shake my head and smile and say WTF was I thinking?....oh, yeah....I wasn't.

Drunk Dialing. That was my thing.

I used to have to hide the phone from myself when I started drinking just I wouldn't call anyone. Every morning after a night of binge drinking, I would wake up with a feeling of dread, wondering if I called someone and what did I say? Did I call  and profess my love to someone I barely Know? I've actually done that; just one of my regrets. WTF was I thinking?!

Or wondering if I had called my ex and threatened his new girlfriend (he walked out on me and went straight to her, what do expect a drunk to do?) or his brother (he was an ass).

Then there's the first time I ever had a drink at 16. At my friends house, my younger sis, M and I decided to give it a try and got totally smashed on vodka. My friend R practically dumped it down my throat and shirt. I was drunk in about 2 seconds flat. And EVERYTHING was so funny. I remember being so hot and trying to take off my clothes. I remember saying that I loved this guy I was seeing, then realizing I loved one of my ex-boyfriends, then, no I loved them both! And my sister got violent. We were in the bathroom, and she hauled off and hit me in the face. I said "do it again! It doesn't hurt!" So she did....I didn't drink vodka like that again for 8 or nine years. (I didn't drink at for several years and then it was just wine coolers and sweet girly drinks.)

That was just a preview into my future. If I'd only known. But I do laugh at that. I was a kid and I paid severely with a week long hangover.....no kidding.

It's embarrassing, yes, but I'm over it. I can laugh at that stuff and joke about it, because really, who did that hurt? At the time, I think I was only hurting myself.....I was just annoying everyone else.

I could have burned the house down trying to drunk cook. I loved to cook when I was drunk.....and do laundry. But the next day, when I'm looking at a mess of half clean, half dirty clothes on the floor and a kitchen demolished by my latest drunken concoction........

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. But don't cross over the line of funny and what's really not funny. It can be a thin line for other people, but I would just try to be considerate. My sense of humor can be sarcastic and sometimes can be perceived as mean. That's not my intent, but some people don't get me.

I would never laugh about hurting someone, ever. But a lot of what I did was just plain stupid, drunk behavior. And I can laugh now, or just smile and shake my head, and be thankful that I don't have those horrifying and humiliating experiences again.

Blackberry 9810 Torch Cell Phone with Optical Trackpad
HTC Mytouch 4G Mytouch 4G T-Mobile with Wi-Fi - Black

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Avoiding Temptation 7/15/12

Me & Chris

Chris and I went to Chili's the other day. The hostess wanted to seat us at the bar. I asked her to seat us somewhere else. I didn't think it was that big of deal. I haven't any cravings for so long, but I don't want to put myself in a position to be triggered and next thing I know, I'm remember the fun times of drinking, (there really weren't that many), and suddenly start craving it. You never know when it will hit you so you can never be too careful.

Anyway, I didn't think it was that big of a step in my recovery; I've been sober almost a year and a half. But my husband was proud of me. He said he didn't want to say anything when she headed that way and didn't know what I would do, so he was proud when I took control. It's those small steps that make a big difference.

Chris doesn't drink. Maybe before we got together a little over 2 years ago he may have every now and then, but out of love and respect for my recovery, he doesn't drink at all. I am incredibly lucky. Where has this man been all my life?!

So while I didn't think of it as a big deal, I guess it was a big deal for our relationship. He went through 2 months of hell during my last relapse and being able to make him proud and show that my sobriety is a priority for me is a big thing for him.

Chili's $25 Gift Card - Food Gift Cards

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Meet My Kids

   I was with my kids this evening. I'm still in this court battle over them, but things are looking up. I absolutely adore them. I have missed out on so much because of this addiction. Alcohol took so much from me, and more importantly, my babies. I can't even begin to explain how it kills me having to leave them. Knowing I caused this because I couldn't stop what I was doing. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. 

      Sometimes I wonder how I could have ever let anything come between us. I know I was sick. It's so hard to imagine now that I have been sober all this time, ever letting anything or anyone come between or above my love for them.

 

     They are so amazing. There are 4 of them. I'll just use their first initial when referring to them. L is my 11 year old. He is very in to sports, especially football. Watching him play makes me so proud. K is 9, almost 10. She is turning into such a young lady. She's my girl. Then R, my 7 year old. He's my little sunshine. And N, almost 4. He's my sweet, silly guy. I am so lucky. I love them so much. I want to spend every moment with them. I have a lot of lost time to make up for. They are just absolutely amazing.

     I took a lot for granted. But I am enjoying and appreciating every moment I have with them now. I am completely present when we are together, however, they pretty much fight for my attention. They all want to talk to me at the same time. 

     I know L and I have a lot of work ahead of us, repairing our relationship. As long as there is no more interference, I know it will work out. I love him so much. I love them all and I just want to be there for them. I am their mom and nothing will ever change that. And they know it.

Huffy Berserk 20-In. Boys Bike

Razor Dirt Quad - Children's Ride-ons

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My 5 (Seemingly) Simple Tips For Avoiding Relapse:

Relapse, unfortunately, is part of alcoholism. It happens to most of us or has happened at some point. When I was in treatment, we heard over and over that 1 in 8 will make it. I'm not sure exactly how accurate that is, but the point is, this is a serious disease. Just as in cancer remission, all signs and symptoms seem to disappear, it can come back. Now, I'm not saying that we're doomed to relapse, I don't believe that is the case; I just think it's important to be aware of it.

This is a list of what has been working for me:

1. Don't be overconfident: Confidence is great; it is important and a good thing to believe in yourself.
Overconfidence, thinking, "I got this," can backfire. When you think you've got alcoholism beat, you can
easily forget what caused you to want to get sober in the first place. Soon, you stop focusing on personal
growth and those old thoughts and patterns can creep back. That was my experience during the year
before my last relapse. I am now confident in my sobriety. I remember the past, but I don't dwell on it.

2. Don't dwell on your past: Everybody makes mistakes. Some are bigger than others. But if you dwell
on your mistakes and all the embarrassing things you did and the people you hurt, you will find it
extremely difficult to move on to a place of peace. Forgiving yourself is an important part of sobriety,
even if others refuse to forgive you. Forgiving doesn't have to mean forgetting. You forgive so that you
can move on with your life.

My Struggle For Balance Between Mind and Body

I am so frustrated with this weight issue. I am miserable about the way I look now, and not just that, but the way it makes me feel physically. I feel like this body is not mine. It is not me. I struggle daily with it. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat or how much, I can not seem to lose it. Or I might lose a few pounds and shortly later, I've gained double that amount.

I don't have the patience to stay on a diet. And I crave junk food like crazy. All my blood tests say I'm healthy and there is no real real go reason other than my cravings get the best of me. I don't get enough exercise, just moderate. I am tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. All I know is I've gotta do something. I'm not finding much balance between mind and body. And I am happy emotionally and I feel secure, except when it comes to my body. I've always had a negative body image, even when I was real thin.


My self worth was always based on my appearance. I had no self worth and I always thought I was fat. Now I am happy and I do have self worth. I feel good in every other area of my life. I want my physical appearance to reflect that. That is something I have to work on and it won't easy because eating is what I do for comfort, for fun, when I'm bored, when I'm happy, sad, stressed. It's not alcohol anymore, which hurt everyone around me, but this is hurting me. I'm not obese, but I am pretty overweight. And that is hurting me.
I don't feel completely whole because this is the one area of my life I can't seem to get control of.

I know what I need to do, it's a matter of motivation. I want to wake up in the morning thin and beautiful, without having to workout. I want the weight to come off now! It's that attitude, "I want what I want when I want it and I want it now, dammit!" That attitude is no good. I get discouraged so easily. I pray the Lord give me strength through this struggle just as did through my alcoholism. I pray for motivation to do what I need to do.

Luckily, my husband is so wonderful and thinks I am beautiful and sexy and never makes me feel otherwise. I don't doubt his attraction to me. Maybe that is why I am so happy and comfortable and have let myself get this way. I am grateful for a man who loves me no matter what. But now it's up to me.

Healthy weight loss tips.

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"A Course in Weight Loss"
Weight To Go! Pu-erh Weight-Loss Tea, 16oz (1lb)

Cleaning up the clutter

I'm a little bit of a hoarder.

Yes, it's true. I have a hard time letting go. I tend to hold on to things whether it's good for me or not. I think I have always been that way. I remember when my mom would have yard sales and my sister would put, like all her stuff in it; barbies, dolls, collectibles, whatever would make her money. Not me. I might get rid a few items, but unless my mom forced me to, I was keeping my stuff. I believed my stuffed animals and dolls had feelings and I did not want to hurt them. Plus, what if the next person was mean to them? It was just too hard.

Some things don't change. No, I don't think my possessions have feelings, but I do form some attachment that isn't logical to my stuff. Especially my children's stuff. I still have clothes that my oldest son, who is 11 years old wore. A lot of them got passed down to his brother, but I still have some of them. I just can't let go of the memories those items hold.

When I went to inpatient treatment, I left home with maybe two bags of stuff. I came back with my van packed clear full and I had to make another trip back to get some more stuff. I don't know how I manage to accumulate so much junk. Things that I "collect" now? Magazines and more magazines, books and more books, movies and more movies, and food. I am a couponer. Not an extreme couponer, but I do extremely hoard coupons. Saving money on groceries makes me feel good. It is exciting. And I always want my pantry and freezer stocked. I know the reasons behind the food thing. I struggled a bit, there for a while, and I never want my family to go hungry or wonder what I am going to feed them. But as for the rest, I don't know.


So, I have been working on getting rid of the clutter. It has been causing me an enormous amount of stress. When I walk into the house after a long work day, I want to relax, not be overwhelmed by a mass of stuff. It is so overwhelming to look at and sometimes I don't even know where to begin, so I don't begin at all. But I have been working on it. Things are starting to look less chaotic in my living room. I think the less stuff I have, the happier I will. I want to keep it simple from now on. 


It seems in America, this is a common thing. "More is better," we think. But all it does is cause more stress. So I am cleaning up my clutter and slowly but surely getting rid of my junk. I'm sure I'll be much happier and so much more peaceful. I'm already getting there.

Prepac Shoe Storage Cubby Bench
 Heavy-Duty 4-Shelf Steel Shelving - Storage Supplies

Please leave questions or comments or tips about how you manage your clutter.

My Soulmate, My Angel

                 One lonely December night, I was lying in bed, feeling so depressed, I said a prayer:
                                                                  
                                                           " Dear Heavenly Father,
                                       Please send me an angel. Send someone to me who is kind 
                                         and understanding, honest and trustworthy, who will love me 
                                   for who I am, whom I can give my heart to and will treat it delicately.
                                                                I am tired of being alone."


                                                               The Lord sent me Chris.
           
      I met Chris when I started my job back in December of 2009. He was my supervisor, and nothing more. I had formed somewhat of a relationship with his aunt and uncle who also work with us. My license was suspended because of the DUI I had gotten back in February of the same year, and they were nice enough to insist on picking me up and dropping me off. (I lived several blocks away but it had snowed a lot.)
   
      Over the next few months, I think Chris had become curious about me. He had heard a couple "rumors" about me (they were mostly true), and he finally approached me at the machine I was running and struck up a conversation. There was an immediate attraction, I have to admit. He's a tall, tanned and handsome man.  He asked about my kids and how many I had. When I told him 4, I figured if he had been interested in me at all before, he wasn't now. I really had no idea what his agenda was or if he had one. But he kept coming back, day after day and before I knew it, we were together.
   
     My children were in their dad's custody at the time because I had gotten arrested in September (the kids were not with me when I was arrested, it as their dad's weekend), and he took that as his opportunity to gain custody. He got a PFA claiming I had endangered the kids, and they weren't even with me! But that's another story. I told Chris everything. And I mean everything. He was the kindest, most understanding man I had ever met. I was skeptical. Men like him didn't exsist, right? He accepted me, flaws and all. And I had plenty.

     We went through a rough patch after I got joint custody of my kids. So many changes happened, one right after the next and most of them should have been good. I got a better paying job, but I hated it. We moved to a bigger new house with all the kids, but I hadn't had them in my custody for a year and had gotten used to only taking care of myself. It was tough on me and the kids because our custody agreement (their step-mother wrote it) had them living with me for a week, then their dad a week and so on and so on. I realized, after the fact, how that whole agreement was only to benefit my ex and his wife. (I didn't get the kids for any Thanksgiving, among other things.) Having to deal with their controling step-mom and her mom was more than I could handle at that time. Why was another woman & her mom making the decisions for my kids and telling me what to do? She wasn't their mom, even if they had lived in her house. Why was I kept in the dark about everything? Their dad had no idea what was going on, he had to ask her first. (Some things still haven't changed.) And why the hell were they telling my kids to call her mom?! That, too is another story.

     My stress level was through the roof. Going from just me and Chris, to me, Chris and 6 kids (he has 2 boys), was a lot all at once. Don't get me wrong, I wanted it that way, but Chris and I weren't on the same page. I had already been in relapse mode,and though I denied it, deep down I knew and I was scared. Still I did nothing to stop it. I relapsed the day I got laid off. That was my excuse. And all hell broke loose over the next couple months. It was pure hell for all of my loved ones. It still hurts knowing what I put them through.

     I ended up hurting one of my children while I was in a blackout. I got arrested and woke up on the holding cell floor, not knowing what I had done but knowing it must've been real bad. My first fear was for the kids and after I was told what I did I was sick. I had to talk to Chris. He would leave me for sure, I just knew it. Then, I heard his voice and there was compassion, fear, sadness; but no anger. He got me out of jail  and took me home. I cried and cried and he held me and comforted me and listened to me. He did not judge me or yell at me or criticize me. He showed me what true love really is. A pastor told me me the next day that what Chris did was show me just a small bit of the love God has for me. It was a beautiful thought, but I didn't see how God could ever love or forgive me after what I did. I did the worst thing a mother could do: hurt her child.
 
      If it hadn't been for Chris, I don't think I would've survived. I didn't see my kids at all for 4 months. I saw them for 1 hour in 6 months. That is the worst thing a mother can go through, aside from the death of a child. Chris was there for me when nobody else was. I didn't deserve him. Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me.

      We got married about 3 months later. God heard my prayer and he answered. We have been married now for over a year and we are happier than ever. There may be issues that arise, but our relationship is strong. I trust him like I have never trusted anyone. He has a big heart and beautiful soul.  He has the greatest sense of humor and makes me laugh so much.

      I didn't think men like him or relationships this good existed. I certainly had never experienced anything like this before. But good men are out there. I met him at a time when I was happy and content with who I thought I was becoming and I was enthusiastic about life. I think he was drawn to that. You have to like and respect yourself if you expect anyone else to. If you don't like yourself and are negative all the time, what kind of person do you think you will attract? It took me a long time to learn that one. Being alone sucks, but sometimes it better to wait for your soulmate. For your angel.



Comments and questions are welcome.
   

How I Deal With Other Peoples Views, Criticism & Opinions

    Everybody has their own views and realities about things that happened in the past, whether they were drinking at the time or sober. As Dr. Phil says, there are two sides to every story; your side, my side and the truth, which falls somewhere in the middle. I am learning to accept that, as challenging as it may be.
     Not everyone has the same reality that I have and that doesn't make them right and me wrong, or visa-versa. Learning to accept other peoples views and opinions, even when you think or know they are dead wrong , clueless or insensitive, is a process. It is so easy to get sucked into the drama and the he said/she said. We're all human and we don't like other people making assumptions or talking when they really should just mind their own business, but you can't change other people. I really don't have to deal with too much drama anymore because I keep people at arms length. So when a situation pops up and someones words are like those Chinese throwing stars aimed right at me, I am able to just breath and not take offense.That's when I know I am a changed woman. I welcome positive feedback and am willing to look in the mirror. And for that I am grateful.

My Choice To Forgive

     How do you forgive the father who told you almost daily you are stupid and worthless and instilled so much fear into you as a child? How do you forgive the man who abandoned you with three children and one on the way? How do you forgive the woman who intentionally stole your family and continues to try to inflict pain on you as if you were the one who stole her family? How do you forgive yourself for being the source of a great deal of pain to your children? And how do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong?

     These are questions I have struggled to answer for myself for years. I feel I am getting much closer, but resentments and anger still resurface from time to time.

     I have dealt with some of my resentments by avoiding the entire situation. Honestly that has worked when it comes to my dad, because he doesn't care enough to even try. If you don't go to him, you don't see him. And I am really okay with that. That's probably not the best way to handle things, but some people you just have to let be. Sometimes you don't have a choice and the person you least want to have to deal with, you have to see on a regular basis.

     My kids' dad hurt me like no other. I never even knew I could hurt so bad; like my insides were being ripped out and ground into the dirt. After 9 years together, 3 children and one on the way, he could just walk out as if we meant nothing. Walk out and leave us with no money, (I was a stay at home mom, which he instisted on), no food in the house, and bills that, unbeknownst to me, were anywhere from 2 months, to a whole year past due. He refused to give me child support or any kind of help at all; my mom, step-dad and the Hope Center helped me out of that. And when he discontinued the insurance on my van, (that I drove the kids around in),without my knowing, which caused a big issue, my mom bailed me out again. His excuse for not even telling me he did that? "I didn't think about it."

      I could go on and on and on and on about crap that he pulled in our years together, the lying, the cheating, the abuse, his drinking, the secrets...but that doesn't matter anymore. I was sober for the first 7 years we were together. The last 3 is when my drinking went from occasional, to more and more, binging every couple weeks or so. And knowing how I was when I was drinking, I know I didn't help matters. I did and said things that I would not have done or said had I been sober, so I'm sure I hurt him in some ways also. But no matter if I was drunk or sober, we never would've lasted. I have forgiven him, whether he wants it or cares. I forgave him for myself, not for him. And maybe one day, he'll find it somewhere in his heart to forgive me.

     I have made some huge mistakes because I was so intoxicated I had no idea what I was even doing. Things I don't even remember because I was in a blackout drunk. While I will always regret things I did,  I shouldn't be  punished every single day, or punish myself for past mistakes when I have taken every opportunity to change and learn and grow from. I have forgiven myself, and I have changed for the better.

     Forgiveness isn't always easy. I work on it daily. Every time thoughts like the ones I have written come up, I let myself feel how I feel, then I refocus on what is positive and what I am grateful for:

                                              1. My loving, adoring husband.

                                              2. My beautiful children who love me and whom I love so much.

                                              3. My sobriety, of course.

                                              4. The love that is all around me.

     I think my feelings are pretty normal, for anyone, not just us alcoholics. As long as I am making a real, honest effort to get better each and every day, I'm good. 

     If anyone has an opinion on the subject, questions or comments, feel free.

 

 

What to do when alcohol is destroying your life

        Theses are steps that I took after finally hitting rock bottom in my disease of alcohol dependence. I am not an alcohol or drug counselor, these are my opinions based on my own experiences with alcoholism and what I've witnessed in other people through personal experiences and other peoples stories. What might seem like common sense to most people, is not so easy for the alcoholic/addict. It is easier said than done. These are the initial steps I took toward getting healthy, mind, body and spirit; and some I continue working on today. (These are aside from the 12 steps.)

                                                                     10 STEPS

1. Get Help. It is okay. Admitting you are powerless does not make you weak, in fact, the opposite is true. Asking for help is not always easy, especially for an alcoholic or addict, but this is the most necessary part. Find a good 12 Step program for starters. While I personally don't believe it is the only way to stay sober, I do believe is important in early sobriety. There you will meet people who have been where you are. Sure, their stories might seem crazy different from yours, but at the end of the day, they suffer from the same disease and you will hear stories that give you strength and hope and courage to go on. If you don't have a group in your town, look in another town, or look for an on-line meeting such as www.aaonline.net or aa-intergroup.org or any others. Start working the 12 Steps. A sponsor will help with that.
2. Get into a treatment program, whether it is in-patient or out-patient. Decide based on your current situation and how bad things have gotten out of control. I have done both. If you work full time that will be a factor. If you have young children in your custody and you don't have anyone to leave them with, there are in-patient facilities that offer childcare. Nobody really wants to go to rehab, but if you're serious about getting your life together, you will not hesitate. If you do, you might not be ready yet. I'm sure that statement won't sit well with some people, but that is my experience. You can't get sober for somebody else or because somebody tells you to. A judge can order you into treatment, but that, in and of itself, won't keep you sober. You have to want it for yourself. "Fake it 'til you make it" never worked for me, or many others. Treatment is a place to learn about your disease and the causes behind it, and to gain "tools" that you take with you when you leave that will hopefully help in the difficult times. You'll start understanding why you do the things you do. Alcoholism/Addiction is an obsession of the mind; allergy of the body. That has stuck with me since my first time in treatment. 
3. Take responsibility for your choices. Do not play the blame game. I think it's part of our nature to want to point out what someone is doing wrong or to put all our crap on someone else because of how they made us feel, although our feelings may be justified. Now, there are exceptions to this rule. But unless someone physically forced the alcohol down your throat, it was your choice. I didn't start drinking with the intention of becoming an out of control binge drinker. Nobody in their right mind wants to be an alcoholic. It can happen to anyone. But once you accept responsibility and hold yourself accountable for your actions and choices, the easier things will start becoming. It takes time, so don't be too hard on yourself. Just acknowledge that you made a choice, and now you are making the right choice to move on to a brighter day.
4. Find a network of support. Hopefully you have family that is supportive and allows you room to grow. (I will write more on that topic another time). Hopefully you have a group of sober friends. Hopefully if you have a spouse/significant other, they are clean and sober. If not, it will make it near impossible to stay sober if your partner is not. AA is the best place to find the kind of support you will need on this journey, so get names and numbers (preferably of the same gender) and use them. This is part of asking for help and that is what they want to do; help others who are struggling.
5. Do your time-if there is any to do. If you have gotten into trouble with the law, and have been convicted, get through your time as best as possible with as much positivity as you can stand. Jail sucks a big one, but if you're there, or are going there, accept it and move on. Plan on reading a lot! If you are on probation, report when you are told to, do what you P.O. tells you and be responsible. Work, pay your fines, child-support, whatever. Make the most of it and stay out of trouble. Seems simple enough.
6. Get individual therapy. It will help to have someone to talk to who is unbiased and will help you work through your feelings. 
7. Try meditation. Learn to stay focused and find inner peace. Learn to breath for relaxation. It will really help in times of stress and crisis. Breathing really is the key to calming and centering yourself. It takes practice, but it is very rewarding.
8. Take care of your body. Start eating right and exercising. (This is probably the most difficult for me now.) While you are trying to improve and grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually, don't forget your body. We've polluted our bodies and mind equally while in our addiction, so don't neglect in healing all areas. Balance is key. Yoga is really great for bringing mind and body into balance, and it's not all about turning yourself into a pretzel; I certainly can't do that...yet. 
9. Take time out. This is extremely important. You have to find time for yourself, especially if you have children in the home. Have a friend or family member or spouse watch them while you do something for yourself. It is not selfish, it is an important part of recovery. You need time to relax and unwind and think and to feel your feelings. Get to know yourself again. 
10. Don't let other peoples criticism and judgement faze you. Whether it's someone you love or someone you really can not stand, or a complete stranger. It's none of your business what other people think about you. Really. It might hurt your feelings for a bit, but does it change who you are? In a society that thrives on drama and chaos and gossip, that may be hard to accept, but the sooner you do, the better. Sure, it's frustrating as hell when you know someone is talking behind your back or even to your face, if they dare. But why let someone who is not your friend, who you don't care about get you all worked up and crazy. That can lead to relapse; believe me, I know. Focus on you and what's really important and not other people. My motto comes from an awesome song by Fall Out Boy: "I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me." Their negativity that is directed at you will only hurt themselves in the end. It's called karma, baby!

      I hope this will help somebody get whatever kind of help and inspiration they need. It's a long road, but it is most rewarding. When you start rebuilding trust with your children and loved ones, you will feel like you can accomplish anything. Just get over that big hump in front of you and believe in yourself! You can do it.


Warning: Good alcohol/drug counselors, bad ones: There are both and I have had both. I had a counselor who should not have been a counselor at all. She was down right nasty to certain people. There are counselors who I feel can hurt a persons recovery. Some try to be hard and just come off as assholes. But there are those who gracefully walk the line of being just hard enough to get their clients to listen and work their program honestly, and hold them accountable and aren't afraid to call bull-shit, while still being compassionate and understanding. My last counselor was that way. She helped me through the worst period of my life and I am forever grateful to her. My best counselors were ones who were in recovery themselves, who have been there and know the games people play, because they have played them. You can't bull-shit a bull-shitter.   Thanks Sarah.

        Like I stated earlier, these are my opinions that I hope can help someone. You don't have to agree with everything. It is my experience, strength and hope.