For the past year and a half, I've wanted a couple things so badly; to win the lottery...duh...and most importantly, my children. I have given up on the lottery, but I pray for my kids every day. In the beginning of all of this, I didn't really care what God's will was, to be honest; I just wanted my kids. It took making a choice to get to know my Higher Power on another level to start feeling differently. Gradually building a stronger relationship with my Lord, to realize that He wants good things for my life. He wants good things for my children's lives. I believe that and I have hope in that, no matter how difficult things can be.
I used to ask, "Why, God, why? Why did you let this happen?" I believe I know now. After reading countless books on spirituality, books about God and Heaven; reading Scripture, anything I can find on the internet, and after so much soul searching, I have gradually figured it out. I believe with all my heart, it is so I would become stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So I would get over myself and my selfishness (I still have my selfish moments), and come back to Him. He figuratively slapped me in the face with reality and said, "wake up! Look what you are doing to yourself and to your kids. You're life can be so much better, if you just put your faith in Me." I know I am supposed to help people, with my story; my experiences.
I used to ask, "why is it that certain other people can drink to their hearts content, and act like complete idiots? They are clearly alcoholics, yet they never get into any trouble? But when I start drinking, I get into all sorts of stupid trouble and get arrested and shit. That's not fair, why do they keep getting away with it and I don't?" I actually did ask that question while having a conversation with my husband and the very instant it left my mouth, I was hit with the answer. Like a voice from Heaven, I heard, "Because I have a better plan for your life. I allowed you to fall hard, so that I could lift you up." I, seriously, broke down in tears. I finally had my eyes open.I still get all emotional when I think about that moment. It changed a lot for me. No, it wasn't an overnight, "everything is perfect now" change. It was just the beginning.It gave me renewed hope. That's when I began to accept God's will for my life, whatever that was. I still struggled with giving up control. But that truly is what "God's will be done" means. Accepting that you are not in control of your own destiny. God is. If you're fighting for control of your own life and everyone else's and everything around you, as I was, you're not living for God's will. His will is not always my will. I still catch myself thinking and saying things like, "I'm in charge of my life, nobody else controls me." Then that still small voice says, "no, I'm in control." I know if I take that control back out of God's loving hands and into my own, I am doomed. I will end up back down the path I was on. Drunk, self-destructive, destroying everything I love and have worked so hard to gain. I know there may come difficult times; God never promised to make life easy. But I know that true peace and happiness will come from my relationship with Him.
Now, when I say, "God's will be done," I truly mean it, because I know He has a perfect plan already laid out for me. As long as I trust in Him, everything will work out, according to that plan. When I begin to stray, He will pull me back to Him, somehow, some way. With that knowledge, I have peace.
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God’s Will Be Done is nicely written, and I find myself also often saying: “Let Go, Let God” when it seems that life has come to a standstill or when it gets real bad. I was very glad to see that you didn’t write that you had given up on your kids (the lottery is fine, though). Keep the faith, because staying sober has its rewards, some come in time. The biggest thing that helps me is to know that, in my own head and God’s eyes, I am worth it and all will understand in the end. Not to sound morbid, but there are many people from my past that never understood me or the disease, and I take solace in knowing that perhaps at some point, in this life or the next, they will. Tonya, I pray that your children will understand some day so that your struggle will all be worth it; I know how hard it can get. I can identify with being selfish, and I still struggle with that, but you know, I never realized it years ago, so that in itself is an improvement. And, don’t you worry your pretty little head anymore about those alcoholics who don’t get in trouble. Believe me, they all will, at some point. And, as with all of your writing, I can identify with the stupid trouble, arrests, and even worse stupid shit. The important thing to remember is that all of the good that has come so far from choosing to live a sober life and all the work that has been done so far, will all be gone in an instant if I choose to take a drink. That is some serious stuff. It helps to ask God for help sometimes in controlling our destiny. I absolutely love the carefully-chosen pictures that you put in your articles.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words. I am glad you liked my post and you seem to get it. It's amazing how we alcoholics/addicts can have such different lives, but relate so closely and identify with each other. It is always nice knowing that other people share my feelings, is some way. I appreciate your comment!
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