Current Stresses

I went to court last week and of course, nothing resolved. I have to go back. My daughter is pretty upset. She wants to come home. It's all I have been hearing from all of my kids for months. But the step-monster won't stay out of shit. It could have been done. I get along alright with the kids' dad, until she gets her ass involved. I can't for the life of me understand how another woman can honestly believe she has the right to  control me and my children and that she has the right to act as their mom. They have a mom; ME! She wasn't involved in the conception of those children. Oh, well. I keep praying and I know God's Will will be done.

Other than the continual court cases that seem never ending, and of course financially struggles, things are going pretty well. I have started a fiction novel. I used to write obsessively in high school. It was pretty much all I was interested in. I've had a story in my head for years and I was finally inspired to start writing fiction again. It is a romance novel and I decided that if I was going to write it, I was going to go all the way, holding nothing back. It's been fun.

I'm still trying to lose weight. Not having much luck at all. It is so frustrating! Why can't everything just be easy?

Things have been so much better between Chris and I. Relationships take work and communication. We can both be very stubborn; I might be more stubborn than him. I guess it will always be a work in progress.

I am pretty stressed out. All the court stuff, never ending bills, Christmas and birthdays coming up...Where do you come up with the money when there just isn't any? I just pray and pray. I know God is providing and I try not to worry, but it is tough.

I can't wait for this year to be over. It is just one thing after the next. Just when everything seems to be working out the way I have prayed for, something happens and I get a major set back. But I believe one day I will look back and know that I can get through anything because I got through all this shit.

I am thankful for love. The love of my wonderful husband, my beautiful children, my mom and the rest of my family. And most of all, God's love and forgiveness.

'Til next time.

Getting Better

Well, how things change in just a week. I think Chris and I are getting back on track.We've done a lot of talking over the past few days and I think he is more understanding of where I'm coming from and I understand him a little more. I love him so much. And he loves me, that I know.

I have my kids tonight and I am always looking forward to seeing them. They light up my life.

We went to Logan's football game last Saturday. I feel so bad for him. He's got a cast on his wrist and can't play. But he is there and is part of the team. He fills their drink bottles and runs out and gets the thing they set the football on for kick off. I don't know what it's called. He will get the cast off soon. I don't know if the doctor will let him play after that. He will have to work with his wrist. I miss seeing him play. He's pretty good.

My husband is one of the coaches of the 5th grade team. My step-son plays. He is also very good. I am very proud of all of them. I love watching them out there. The boys are good little football players and my husband looks so sexy out there coaching!!

I go to court next week I hate court, but I think it will go well. Life is on the right track.

You know, the AA Promises are true. Do the next right thing; things will get better. One step at a time, one day at a time. Life is what you make it and I choose to make mine as good as possible and work out whatever issues arise. I'm not running from anything these days. I thank God every day for my sobriety and for being there for me, pulling me through it all.

I'm Not Dead

Wow, has it been forever since I've written, or what?! It feels like it. I don't know why, I just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been doing more reading lately.

I have a tendency to start something and it is great, I love it, but then the newness and fun wear off and I get bored. I love writing, don't get me wrong. I won't quit writing. I just go through phases. I know that is not really good for a blog writer to do. Just like I get bored, so do my readers and people move on to something else very quickly.

Things are going pretty well right now. Things with my kids are great and getting better, as far as custody, it seems. I am pretty happy.

My weight loss progress is going slowly, but surely. I'm only losing about a pound a week. I am very impatient. I want it NOW! I want to be thin again. Changing anti-depressants has worked wonders though. I would still be gaining if I hadn't switched. While my appetite has been somewhat suppressed, and my libido has improved and I have more energy (I'm not fatigued), I'm not sure what I'm on now works as well for depression. I'm not so depressed, but I just feel sort of numb. I don't know how to explain it. I think that has something to do with my lack of interest in writing lately. But I'm more depressed when I'm fat, so it's a catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Things with my husband aren't as great as they could be. He's a good man, but completely oblivious to my feelings and needs. It gets old. I am the kind of wife who lets her husband know what I need and want and expect. He listens to me and then the opposite of what I have told him. It's been this way from day one though, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He makes promises and the next day it's out the window. It causes some major trust issues. Trust as far as believing what he tells me. When he says he will do something, I'm like, "yeah, I'll believe it when I see it." So I am numb. Nothing will ever change.

My mom would tell me, "if this is the worst of your problems..." I know. Compared to my relationship before, I've got it pretty good. But sometimes I need more than "good." I would like respect. I need my feelings and needs and wishes respected. I respect his needs and feelings. I know I could do better in some areas, but I admit it. I don't pretend to be perfect. I know I'm not. That's the difference between us. He thinks he is perfect, so why change? I don't know what to do anymore. My voice is not really heard in this relationship, no matter how loud I am.

I have to do everything. He doesn't help me. So I am nervous about having my kids back here because I will have to do everything on my own and I will get so mad when I look over and he is sitting there doing nothing. That's how it was before. He says he will help me, but he doesn't even help when it is just the two of us. And when I ask him to do something around the house or whatever, he gets all mad and pouts.

No matter what, I won't get so overwhelmed that I start drinking again. I don't even think about it anymore. I have other ways of coping now. And I will NEVER do that to my kids again. I want them back home so bad, I will do anything and everything to keep them safe and healthy and happy. No matter how mad I get at Chris, I will never risk my kids again.

I have 19 months sober, baby!!

I have a lot of changes coming; good changes. I just hope things get better in the areas I've discussed.

Til next time!!