It's Time

Well, tonight is my first official night of shared custody and my kids get to live with me every other week. While I am very excited, it has been pretty stressful preparing. I am not even completely ready either. I have to go to the school today and fill out bus cards, something I didn't know I had to do. I also have to make keys, get a land line installed hooked up sometime today and get a tire fixed. Oh yeah, and my house is a mess.

I am trying not to stress out too much, because this is the moment I have been waiting for for almost 2 years now. It will take a while to get in a routine. The kids are used to being able to wake up later during the week and they get dropped off at school by their dad, but with me, they have to get up at 5am and go to daycare (my oldest kids are not going to be happy about that) and walk to a school and ride the bus. I hate that I have to be to work at 6am. I wish I could just be home and take care of them like I used to, before I started drinking.

I am getting myself all stressed out. I know I need to relax. Things are going to be fine. I am happy and my kids are happy. Though, I'm not sure how happy they'll be when I start waking them up super early!

I just want to enjoy this time in my life now. I want to enjoy being with my kids and not let anyone or anything get me down.

He Gives Me Strength

Work is pretty scary lately. I, and a couple others, have been laid off for the next couple of weeks. We've been on lay off for like a couple months now; only working a couple days a week. It couldn't have come at a worse time. Of course, there is Christmas, then there are the bills and just getting my kids back home. 

These are scary times, for sure. So I have gone on the internet to look for jobs openings and it is pretty pathetic. I am not qualified to do much these days. Any writing jobs want a couple years of writing experience, and while I have been writing my whole life, practically, I don't have "professional" experience. I am writing for a couple different sites, but it is more for experience than money. While it is possible to make money on these sites, I imagine it is difficult and not enough to live off. My writing style much more personal and when I write for these sites, it feels almost robotic. Who wants to read the work of a robot?

I started a fiction novel a couple months ago, but put it on hold, as my creativity seems to run out on me. I believe some of what I was writing was not what God wanted me to write. So I need to do some editing. The idea is good; I just need to clean it up some. 

It is becoming more apparent to me that God has a purpose for my skill. Chris calls it a gift. God has given every person a gift, and I do feel writing is the gift He has given me. I can translate my feelings in my writing. My skills aren't perfect and there is always room to improve. I am working on that. But I have felt God working through other people to convince me to write my story. Several people have come up to me at various times and said that I should really commit to writing a book. At the time, I was having an inner conflict about it. God is telling me to do something and I am saying I will later.

I have felt God pushing me to really start writing more and to write what I love. I have prayed to Him saying that if it is His will for me to focus on writing and to start my memoir; to give me the time to devote myself to it. Maybe that is what this layoff is. I also asked for the means, the finances, to help support my family so I can stay home and write and take care of my kids. I don't know how that will come about, but I have to trust the Good Lord to provide for me and my family. 

I admit, I have been incredibly stressed out about lack of money. That is actually an understatement. I've been terrified. But I truly feel that God is calling on me to trust Him. He never gives us more than we can handle, right? If I can get through a nasty battle with alcoholism, surely I can do anything. "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." That has become my mantra; I say it to myself over and over.

It is strange how you can just know that God is working in your life, even when things are not going even close to the way you want them to be going. You can just feel it. "The Lord works in mysterious ways" is completely true. 2 Corinthians 12:9  says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  That is what comes to mind when I think of the situation. Our weakness causes us to turn to Him.

As hard as it is to understand what purpose some difficult life situations could serve, I know that there is indeed a purpose. God puts those who trust Him in the right place at the right time. I think He likes to surprise and amaze us. He is always looking for someone who trusts Him that He can help and bless. Well, my faith and my trust and my hope are in Him. Things tend to get worse before they get better, and I know His power is working in my weakness and He is strengthening me every step of the way. God is good.

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ashleyrosex/4180539430/">ashley rose,</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/">cc</a>

My Life This Day

I want to start off saying how sad I am for the families in Connecticut. How awful. There are no words to express the emotions that come when thinking about what happened. It is scary. I have 3 children in school and soon I'll have 4. We send our kids to school expecting them to be safe and come home to us unharmed. When things like this happen, I understand why more people are homeschooling their kids. I went to a private Christian school and can't imagine something like this happening. But it can happen anywhere. It is terrifying. I am praying for the families.

On another not, my husband and I went and looked at a house last night that we love. I really want it, but my job is not good right now. I have basically been on lay-off, working only part time the past few weeks. Some of my co-workers have been on lay-off for longer. It really sucks. I don't make much to begin with, and it is Christmas time, which is the worst time of year to be out of work. It is quite stressful and frustrating. But what can ya do? I guess I should be happy I am working at all; but that doesn't pay my bills.

My husband and kids and I just started going church. I haven't been to church in about 9 years. I have had a lot of guilt about that. But I didn't want to go back to my old church because of a few people who I don't want to deal with. And as a Seventh-Day Adventist, we go to church on Saturdays, and that won't work for my family. I hate to admit it, but I am putting my kids' extra-circular activities ahead of my religion. But my kids really wanted to go to church and we found a nice little one with very nice people. I believe that God just wanted to get me back into church and fellowship with Him and other believers, and He led me to a new place.

God has been dealing with me for about 2 years about going to church and I swore that when I got my kids back, I would take them to church. It is important to me that my kids learn about God and build a relationship with Him through Christ, as I had when I was young. But I turned my back on Him, and my life went down hill from then on. I want my kids to have a good life and I believe they will have a happier life if they have a relationship with the Lord. They enjoyed themselves and were so good. They can't wait to go next time.

I have been pretty stressed out lately. Not working enough hours, being sick last week, bills piling up...But I know that I have to have faith. Maybe this is some kind of test. I have definitely felt my faith being tested for a few months, and I thought I was getting through it all pretty well, but lately, I have fallen into that old negative thinking. Well, not so much thinking as feeling. It's hard to control your feelings.

My kids will start living with me every other week the beginning of February and I am a little stressed about day-care. I'm still not sure where I stand with their day-care provider, who happens to be their step-mom's mom. She doesn't like me (and doesn't know me) and I worry about how that will go. Last time, she was so rude to me. My ex said that is just the way she is, but I don't think my kids' babysitter should be disrespectful to me. Most women don't have to deal with their ex's new mother-in-law. But I will do my best to just be nice and not let anyone get to me.

I am just putting my faith and trust in God. I know He is supplying all of our needs and everything will work out according to His Will. It is hard not to stress out when things go from bad to worse. I wonder if it is my feelings lately that causing my circumstances to get worse.

Even with all the added stress right now, I am so thankful that I have not had any desire to drink at all. I am sober and proud of myself. I am in a very good place in my sobriety, and I have my Father in Heaven to thank for that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe weekend. God bless!

Another Daily Frustration

I had the kiddo's last night. It was parent-teacher conference night and I wasn't told about the meetings until after 9:00 the night before. I expect as much from my ex. When we were in court, his one problem with my proposal was that I said his wife didn't need to attend my children's conferences. She's not their mom and he can inform her of how they went. She completely dominates the conversation and she honestly believes that she has more say and input than I should have. Me, their mother! I am almost at my limit with her and I feel she deliberately pushes me hoping I will snap so I can get into more trouble. Not gonna happen.

So they found a way to keep me from going. They deliberately scheduled those appointments on my night with my kids, knowing full well I wouldn't want to miss my time with them. He didn't even bother finding someone to watch them so I could go. Oh, well. Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to this round of meetings. I want to meet their teachers on a one on one basis, so they can get to me and vise-versa without her interfering. It's just the point that he is already pulling this kind of shit. If I did it to him, he would be pissed. I just have to hold on a while longer. He will not be happy if I start playing the game he plays all the time.

I am better than that though. I am better then both of them. I know that. They are complete hypocrites. They accuse me of doing shit that they are doing themselves. Shit that I don't do or say, that they do all the time and don't even recognise. They are so concerned about the kids' grades that they tried to put it in court papers that if they slip, custody automatically goes back to them. In other words, if my kids get a bad grade, it is my fault. Now, we will be alternating weeks with the kids. There are too many variables when it come to kids getting a bad grade. There could be any reason. What is hypocritical is that while he wanted that court ordered, my oldest son had an F. He and my daughter told me he was grounded from video games for getting an F. Now, my daughter told me she has a D in math (I was also bad in math). She said she has C's too, as well as some A's and B's. They don't even live with me yet, so who's fault is that? My ex would find a way to blame me somehow.

They are so concerned about how I take care of the kids' clothes and dress them, yet their step-mom made them wear the same clothes to my house 2 days in a row. They were filthy. I could not believe it. Well, I could, but you know. If I did that, I would be accused of being a terrible parent. They say that I used to let my kids wear clothes with holes in them and dirty (which is completely untrue to begin with; they have always had nice clothes, but boys get dirty), yet that is what they do.

I guess it comes back down to accepting what you can't change. I couldn't change my ex when we were together, he won't change now. And he married someone more psycho than I was on my drunkest, most belligerent day. It's true. So now I have double the trouble.

Oh, well. I had a great visit. But my middle son came in and looked really upset, though. He said that at day care (the daycare provider is his step-mom's mom) all the kids were playing football And they wouldn't let him. He started crying and said that his step-mom's sister told him he couldn't play and he didn't know why. He said, "I just wanted to play." It broke my heart. He's very sensitive and he whines a lot, but this was different. He was hurt. He's only 7. (And he is going to be an awesome football player!)

Last night I was laying bed thinking and wondered if that is how the parents felt after that football game where some of the kids didn't get all their plays. Now, I am not defending their behaviour in any way. I am still as appalled as ever. Their behaviour is wrong, end of story. But maybe the feeling is the same as what I felt for my son. No one wants to see their child's feelings hurt.

I kind of felt last night, as I was laying in bed and thought about it, that God was dealing with me on my judgement of those parents. Am I being hypocritical by judging them for their behaviour, which includes judging my husband and the other coaches? They are going around smearing my husbands name, yet, I have done plenty of talking, which includes my last post (and I don't regret it, I think I made my point). I just think God deals with me on these sorts of issues quite often, when I least expect it. Like with my son. It's just a thought.

I am planning on writing a post soon on forgiveness, which I am still working on. So until then...

A New Start

My kids at church on X-mas 2011

Today was the day that I have been waiting for and praying about for 20 months now. I am getting my kids back. As in, shared custody. After what seemed like a never ending battle in court and between my ex (his wife), and I, we finally came to an agreement. My kids will be so happy. I am happy.

20 months ago, I was a drunken mess. It'll be 20 months tomorrow that I had the absolute worst day of my life; probably my children's lives. I was in a black out drunk and I physically hurt one of my children. I still have no memory of it what-so-ever. But I have suffered the consequences every single day since. My kid's have also suffered. I hate to admit it, but even their dad suffered as far as seeing his kids hurting and all the attorney fees and so forth. I'll give him that. What I did caused a lot of pain to more people than just myself and my kids. But hurting them is what I am most sorry for.

I have not had a drink since that night. Not a single one; and I haven't wanted one. Only one week after about nine months sober did I start craving. But I talked it out and I didn't give in to the craving. I only have God to thank for that. He's kept me strong even in my weakness.

I have prayed every single day for this day to come. The day I would be able to bring my kids back home. Honestly, in the beginning of all this, I didn't think it would happen. I though maybe I'd get my weekends back, but not shared custody. And if their dad wanted to be an even bigger dick, he could have fought to keep full custody and I would only get weekends. So as difficult as he's been, I am grateful he didn't do that and that we went with our original agreement.

It's been rough. It's been the most stressful period of my life by far. But I made it through with the help of my husband, who stood beside me the whole way; my family and kids; and most of all, God. I remained hopeful, even when it seemed hopeless. I kept the faith when it just didn't seem possible. I believed with all my heart that God had a great plan for my life and that plan includes my kids. I prayed without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17), and I chose to believe that my prayers would be answered. It wasn't always easy. I always had that dreadful voice in the back of my mind saying, "it'll never happen. You screwed up too bad, you don't deserve another chance." But I ignored it.

I hope anyone who is struggling, in any situation, and reads this will be inspired to do the same. Just have faith. Just do what you know is right and the next right thing is going to come. But sometimes it takes work. A lot of work and patience. I thought I was on my last leg. I really didn't know how much more I could stand, but I held on. I had a lot of wonderful support at home, at work, in places I never would've expected. I am truly grateful to everyone who was there to talk to and lean on.

I feel more humbled because of the situation. Did I act humble at all times? Probably not. I think people, myself included, mistake being humble for being weak. And I didn't want to be preyed upon for any weakness. But I surely feel humbled. I was knocked off my high horse; God allowed that. I guess I needed it.

I am happy and I am very lucky. I am so lucky to be given another chance. It's a new start for my family. I won't let anyone or anything stand in the way of me and my kids. No one. Not even myself.

Current Stresses

I went to court last week and of course, nothing resolved. I have to go back. My daughter is pretty upset. She wants to come home. It's all I have been hearing from all of my kids for months. But the step-monster won't stay out of shit. It could have been done. I get along alright with the kids' dad, until she gets her ass involved. I can't for the life of me understand how another woman can honestly believe she has the right to  control me and my children and that she has the right to act as their mom. They have a mom; ME! She wasn't involved in the conception of those children. Oh, well. I keep praying and I know God's Will will be done.

Other than the continual court cases that seem never ending, and of course financially struggles, things are going pretty well. I have started a fiction novel. I used to write obsessively in high school. It was pretty much all I was interested in. I've had a story in my head for years and I was finally inspired to start writing fiction again. It is a romance novel and I decided that if I was going to write it, I was going to go all the way, holding nothing back. It's been fun.

I'm still trying to lose weight. Not having much luck at all. It is so frustrating! Why can't everything just be easy?

Things have been so much better between Chris and I. Relationships take work and communication. We can both be very stubborn; I might be more stubborn than him. I guess it will always be a work in progress.

I am pretty stressed out. All the court stuff, never ending bills, Christmas and birthdays coming up...Where do you come up with the money when there just isn't any? I just pray and pray. I know God is providing and I try not to worry, but it is tough.

I can't wait for this year to be over. It is just one thing after the next. Just when everything seems to be working out the way I have prayed for, something happens and I get a major set back. But I believe one day I will look back and know that I can get through anything because I got through all this shit.

I am thankful for love. The love of my wonderful husband, my beautiful children, my mom and the rest of my family. And most of all, God's love and forgiveness.

'Til next time.