What a year this has been. It's been pretty crazy since this time last year. My kids are living with me every other week and with their dad on the weeks in between. It is going much better since the last time I wrote about it, though there are still challenges.
My kids are great. I am so happy that they are with me. The years I spent not having them in my custody, due to my alcohol abuse, was unbearable. They are my light. My serenity. I am my happiest (and possibly most stressed:)), when I am near them. My oldest, Logan, just turned 13. I can't believe I am the mother of a teenager. I can't be that old, can I? My daughter, Kyla, is 11, my middle son, Rhyce, is 8 (almost 9), and my youngest son, Nathan, is 5. He is in booster kindergarten now. Having them back home has been an adjustment on everyone, but it has been very good. We are happy.
I celebrated 3 years of sobriety in February. It is a bittersweet time whenever my sobriety date comes around, because the day prior to it was the absolute worst date of my life. My sobriety date is not a good memory-waking up on a cold jail floor, with no memory of why the hell I was there to begin with. But I choose to think of it in a positive way instead of negative, or I'll drive myself mad. I think of it as the day the Lord truly saved me. He saved me from my worst demon. Myself.
I would say that alcohol is my worst demon but I know that alcohol was just an after effect. The real demon was what was going on inside of me that I just wanted to block out. And that is where the alcohol found it's place in my life. Or I found alcohol, however you want to word it. Either way, alcohol and I just don't mix.
After all this time, for me, alcohol is a distant thought. I don't think this is a fact for all those in recovery and I consider myself lucky...or saved. Or I'm just damned determined to have a better life and give my children the best mom they could have. I think about alcohol every single day, but not in the way people might assume I think about it. I don't think about drinking. I haven't had a real craving for alcohol since I was 7 months sober and the craving was so strong and overwhelming I am amazed I resisted. It lasted for a whole week and I fought through it hard. But, knock on wood, it hasn't come back. I am not foolish enough to convince myself that it never will. And that is how I think of alcohol daily. I remind myself of what could happen. I sometimes wonder if the feeling, the want, craving or need is just lying dormant for now, waiting until I am completely off guard and unaware and then it'll just sneak up and pounce. I know it can happen. Even the seemingly strongest old timer in AA is not immune to relapse. I have seen it myself and I keep that in mind any time I want to get all cocky about my sobriety.
I believe 100% that I was saved. I felt then and I feel now that God rescued me from whatever it was that caused me to basically give up on everything and turn towards binging on alcohol. But God didn't make this road easy on me, by any means. I did get lucky in the fact that I got back what I lost, what was most important to me. I KNOW that I was given a third chance and I KNOW that I won't get a fourth. This is it for me. No more chances and that is enough right now, today, to keep me sober. I meditate on that fact and I feel blessed. As frustrating as it is hoping that other people will notice the change that I feel inside, I know what I have done and that has to be enough. I know what my inner struggles have been and I am proud of what I have accomplished these past few years. My accomplishments are not ones that can be measured by another persons standards because the battle I have fought is from within. And unless you were right there walking through the flames of alcoholism with me, you could never understand my story of survival or the pain I caused. I am back to being myself again. My old self before alcohol. An older, heavier, sleepier version of my old self! JK. Not everyone chooses to see that, but I don't feel I owe anyone a thing, other than my kids. That is hard for some people to hear. But it's the truth.
It hasn't been all roses this past year, as I have mentioned. Since August, my marriage has been on the rocks. In my opinion, it has been on the rocks since about 5 or 6 months after we got married, but he only just realized it in August. Now all hell has broken lose upon me. I have lived an absolute nightmare for 7 months, with brief moments of reprieve. Granted, it has gotten a bit better the past month or so and the fights are few between, but I feel I am constantly on guard, defensive, waiting for that switch.
I can't even begin to explain all that has gone on in our relationship. It is so confusing and heartbreaking because I thought he was soul-mate, as cliché as that sounds. I thought he was perfect for me. I know that no relationship is perfect, but the things that have gone on are way past that. It's not what I signed up for. And I never vowed to obey anyone.
I have a lot of anger and disappointment and just plain sadness over this subject and it will come up in other posts I'm sure. I am processing it. Writing has always helped me sort through shit. It's always been an outlet and my way of expressing who I am. But I haven't been able to use writing the way I've always wanted to because I always have to be concerned that those close to me will flip out. People don't like when you publish personal stuff that might put them in a negative light and I don't blame anyone for that. I don't care what most people think to some degree, but when you live with someone, you don't want to be bitched out about everything under the sun. For being who you are and doing what you need to do.
We are working through our problems and I have a little hope still, but I have closed myself off a lot. I have been pushed to that point in every way. I'm not a quitter when it comes to relationships, I love him, but he's made things as hard on me as possible and I just don't understand him. I'm not perfect in this relationship either, but I've never tried to hurt him the way he's internationally hurt me. So now what? We'll just have to see, I guess.
Getting sober doesn't magically fix all of life's shit. If only it were that simple. You have to put in effort and do the work and sometimes it sucks. The fact that I am still sober after everything I have endured these past months should be a testament to my determination and what anyone can do if they are determined enough. You have to want it badly enough. And I won't risk my sobriety, my life or my children's for anyone or anything. Not ever again. I am completely committed to my sober life. And what's meant to be will be.
