He Gives Me Strength

Work is pretty scary lately. I, and a couple others, have been laid off for the next couple of weeks. We've been on lay off for like a couple months now; only working a couple days a week. It couldn't have come at a worse time. Of course, there is Christmas, then there are the bills and just getting my kids back home. 

These are scary times, for sure. So I have gone on the internet to look for jobs openings and it is pretty pathetic. I am not qualified to do much these days. Any writing jobs want a couple years of writing experience, and while I have been writing my whole life, practically, I don't have "professional" experience. I am writing for a couple different sites, but it is more for experience than money. While it is possible to make money on these sites, I imagine it is difficult and not enough to live off. My writing style much more personal and when I write for these sites, it feels almost robotic. Who wants to read the work of a robot?

I started a fiction novel a couple months ago, but put it on hold, as my creativity seems to run out on me. I believe some of what I was writing was not what God wanted me to write. So I need to do some editing. The idea is good; I just need to clean it up some. 

It is becoming more apparent to me that God has a purpose for my skill. Chris calls it a gift. God has given every person a gift, and I do feel writing is the gift He has given me. I can translate my feelings in my writing. My skills aren't perfect and there is always room to improve. I am working on that. But I have felt God working through other people to convince me to write my story. Several people have come up to me at various times and said that I should really commit to writing a book. At the time, I was having an inner conflict about it. God is telling me to do something and I am saying I will later.

I have felt God pushing me to really start writing more and to write what I love. I have prayed to Him saying that if it is His will for me to focus on writing and to start my memoir; to give me the time to devote myself to it. Maybe that is what this layoff is. I also asked for the means, the finances, to help support my family so I can stay home and write and take care of my kids. I don't know how that will come about, but I have to trust the Good Lord to provide for me and my family. 

I admit, I have been incredibly stressed out about lack of money. That is actually an understatement. I've been terrified. But I truly feel that God is calling on me to trust Him. He never gives us more than we can handle, right? If I can get through a nasty battle with alcoholism, surely I can do anything. "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." That has become my mantra; I say it to myself over and over.

It is strange how you can just know that God is working in your life, even when things are not going even close to the way you want them to be going. You can just feel it. "The Lord works in mysterious ways" is completely true. 2 Corinthians 12:9  says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  That is what comes to mind when I think of the situation. Our weakness causes us to turn to Him.

As hard as it is to understand what purpose some difficult life situations could serve, I know that there is indeed a purpose. God puts those who trust Him in the right place at the right time. I think He likes to surprise and amaze us. He is always looking for someone who trusts Him that He can help and bless. Well, my faith and my trust and my hope are in Him. Things tend to get worse before they get better, and I know His power is working in my weakness and He is strengthening me every step of the way. God is good.

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My Life This Day

I want to start off saying how sad I am for the families in Connecticut. How awful. There are no words to express the emotions that come when thinking about what happened. It is scary. I have 3 children in school and soon I'll have 4. We send our kids to school expecting them to be safe and come home to us unharmed. When things like this happen, I understand why more people are homeschooling their kids. I went to a private Christian school and can't imagine something like this happening. But it can happen anywhere. It is terrifying. I am praying for the families.

On another not, my husband and I went and looked at a house last night that we love. I really want it, but my job is not good right now. I have basically been on lay-off, working only part time the past few weeks. Some of my co-workers have been on lay-off for longer. It really sucks. I don't make much to begin with, and it is Christmas time, which is the worst time of year to be out of work. It is quite stressful and frustrating. But what can ya do? I guess I should be happy I am working at all; but that doesn't pay my bills.

My husband and kids and I just started going church. I haven't been to church in about 9 years. I have had a lot of guilt about that. But I didn't want to go back to my old church because of a few people who I don't want to deal with. And as a Seventh-Day Adventist, we go to church on Saturdays, and that won't work for my family. I hate to admit it, but I am putting my kids' extra-circular activities ahead of my religion. But my kids really wanted to go to church and we found a nice little one with very nice people. I believe that God just wanted to get me back into church and fellowship with Him and other believers, and He led me to a new place.

God has been dealing with me for about 2 years about going to church and I swore that when I got my kids back, I would take them to church. It is important to me that my kids learn about God and build a relationship with Him through Christ, as I had when I was young. But I turned my back on Him, and my life went down hill from then on. I want my kids to have a good life and I believe they will have a happier life if they have a relationship with the Lord. They enjoyed themselves and were so good. They can't wait to go next time.

I have been pretty stressed out lately. Not working enough hours, being sick last week, bills piling up...But I know that I have to have faith. Maybe this is some kind of test. I have definitely felt my faith being tested for a few months, and I thought I was getting through it all pretty well, but lately, I have fallen into that old negative thinking. Well, not so much thinking as feeling. It's hard to control your feelings.

My kids will start living with me every other week the beginning of February and I am a little stressed about day-care. I'm still not sure where I stand with their day-care provider, who happens to be their step-mom's mom. She doesn't like me (and doesn't know me) and I worry about how that will go. Last time, she was so rude to me. My ex said that is just the way she is, but I don't think my kids' babysitter should be disrespectful to me. Most women don't have to deal with their ex's new mother-in-law. But I will do my best to just be nice and not let anyone get to me.

I am just putting my faith and trust in God. I know He is supplying all of our needs and everything will work out according to His Will. It is hard not to stress out when things go from bad to worse. I wonder if it is my feelings lately that causing my circumstances to get worse.

Even with all the added stress right now, I am so thankful that I have not had any desire to drink at all. I am sober and proud of myself. I am in a very good place in my sobriety, and I have my Father in Heaven to thank for that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe weekend. God bless!

Staying Sober During the Holiday's

The Holiday's can be a very stressful time for year for anyone. But for the newly recovering alcoholic, stressful takes on a whole new meaning. With Holiday parties around the corner, maybe some already past, odds are, alcohol will be a staple at some of them. Now is the time when you have to know your limits.

Knowing your limits isn't as simple as it sounds. I am almost 2 years sober and while I believe I am at a point in my sobriety where I can be around a couple people having a beer or two, I know I don't want to be around an open bar and a bunch of drunk people. Even after nearly two years of being happily sober, I know it is still possible to be triggered and I won't willingly put myself in that situation. I believe I know my limits. But I know that triggers and cravings can come unexpectedly.

So what do you do? You can't easily tell your mom or your grandma that you aren't going to be at the family gathering, can you? You need to know your family. Do they get plastered by the end of the night? Do they have a couple glasses of wine or champagne?

And what about the company Christmas Party? I've been to parties that start with drinks and end in drunk. What do you do?

My opinion on that is, if you are in your first year of sobriety, it's probably best to avoid going to any party where alcohol is one of the main features and people will be getting drunk. As strong as you may think you are, it is still not a good idea to be around it. Once the idea of alcohol and drinking gets in your head, it becomes an obsession and before you know it, you are planning your next drink. Don't let it get in your head.

You might feel obligated to show up, and if that is the case, you can make a brief appearance, then have some excuse to leave. It doesn't matter what the excuse is: an early morning, an appointment the next day, gotta get home to the kids... You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you feel comfortable telling people of your struggle with alcoholism/addiction, go for it. But it can take time to become comfortable with that. While you should be proud to be sober, and most people are supportive, a lot of people are still very judgmental and you don't want to be the topic of the party's gossip.

Family is harder. I hope everyone has a supportive family, who will put your sobriety over their social drinking, not everyone does. Especially if you come from a family of alcoholics, as many people do. This is a time when you have to put your sobriety first. If you can get away with making a brief appearance, do that. But consider your family dynamics. Family can be one of the most difficult parts of sobriety. Some people drink because of their family dynamics. You have to do what is best for you, no matter how hard that might be.

Do NOT let anyone pressure you to have "just one" drink. Remember that "just one" will turn into five or ten. And if you are strong enough to drink only one, you will most likely start to think you can "control it." You can't. You're an alcoholic. You can't drink like normal people, no matter how much you wish you could. If it has destroyed your life before, it will destroy your life again. I know what will happen if I pick up again. I will end up in prison or dead. Those are the only two options left for me. And being around people partying and being around an open bar or any kind of bar, is not worth it. You and I are getting our lives back in order, earning back the things and people we lost due to our addiction; don't lose it all again in one night.

While it might not be the easiest or best advise, it's all I've got. I am blessed to be part of a non-drinking, supportive family and my job does not have Christmas parties, so I'm good. But I know this is rare.

Think hard about what your limits are and be honest with yourself (and your loved ones who you trust) about what you can handle.

Christmas isn't about partying anyway. Without getting religious, it's about love and family and togetherness. I wish everyone the best! Happy Sober Holiday's!



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Good On the Home Front

Tomorrow is my first born's 12th birthday. Where does the time go? And the day after that I'll have 22 months of sobriety. Yes, I count each and every month as a month to be celebrated.

Things are going very well on the home front. My kids are coming over every Wednesday and every other weekend. Soon, they will be with me ever other week. They come over and the first thing my 4 year old says is, "can I sleep at your house now?" They never want to leave and it breaks my heart to send them back to their dad's . Especially when I find out the insane shit that is going on over there. The kids are still witnessing way too much drunkenness and violence over there. They have been through enough. Their dad is the definition of a hypocrite! But that's another story.

I have been sick for the past few days, so I thought I would write a line or two about how things are going. Other than being sick, things are good. I have my kids back, I have great family, a job, a place to live. I am growing spiritually and in my relationship with God. My kids are asking to go to church, which makes me happy. We are starting over and I am in a place in my life where I can guide them-with God's help.

I think I am finally motivated to get on a fitness regimen. I am ready to lose this weight and get fit. I have been saying that, but it is time. I am gaining way too much, way too quick. I want my body and my life back.

I am happy now. That is all I ever wanted. I thank God every day for the many blessings He's given me. He has been very good to me, that is for sure.

A Little Kindness and Gratitude Goes a Long Way

Politics brings out the worst in a lot of people. That is obvious to anyone who has a Facebook account. I generally stay out of it. I don't watch too much of the debates; just a little here and there. Enough to get a general idea about the candidates. I can't vote anyway now and I even when I could, sadly, I chose not to.

This is a Free Country and I believe in that. People have a right to express their personal views no matter what those views are. People have a right to chose their own religion. People have a right to chose their sexual orientation. Women have a right to decide what is best for their bodies and lives. I don't believe in any person who wants to take those rights away. There is plenty of stuff I don't believe is right that other people are all for. But I don't put them on blast for it.

There are going to be things about any candidate running that goes against what we want. You have to weigh the pro's and con's and decide who best supports your personal views. And when elected, that man or woman isn't going to get it right immediately. They have the previous years of someone else's mess to try to clean up. It can't be easy.

But the election is not what this post is about. It is about the way I witnessed people behave towards one another as a result of the election. I was on Facebook, looking at some of the comments people put up, just as I do several times a week, and I was disgusted. People are just plain nasty to each other. Someone said something like "thank you for voting for abortions and killing babies. Thank you for voting against religious freedom. You're all idiots..." and blah, blah, blah. There were so many of those types of comments, I couldn't believe it.

I posted a picture of Samantha Jones from Sex and the City about not believing in one party or another, just believing in parties. I wrote that I am glad Obama won and I received a condescending comment from my uncle. What got me going is the fact that everyone wants to be heard, but they don't want to listen. They matter and you don't. If you want me to hear you, then hear me!! It's called having respect and courtesy for one another. Don't quote God's word to me about how killing is wrong, when you go out and kill animals, not for food, but for the pleasure of killing a living thing!

I am personally happy with the results. And I am a Christian. I believe in the Word of God and I have been doing more studying His word over this past year more than ever before. I am trying to live my life as God wants me to live. I don't personally believe in killing anyone. But as a woman in this country, I do not believe in taking away any woman's right to chose what is best for her. People like to think the decision is black and white. It isn't. Some might believe that being Christian and being pro-choice is a contradiction. I don't think so.

I've never had an abortion. But I did have four unplanned pregnancies from the time I was 18. All my babies have the same father. But there was a time when their dad and I were broken up and I went out with some friends and got pretty drunk and took a man home who I'd met through friends but didn't know. If I had gotten pregnant after a night of stupidness, I would've had a tough decision to make. Do I have this baby when I am already a single mother of 2 small children and barely making ends meet, or do I not?

I know people say give the baby up for adoption. I'm sorry, but there are women who could not handle giving her baby away. I couldn't. Nobody knows the difficulty of a decision like that until you have had to make it yourself. As a woman and a mother who has been a single parent, who has struggled financially, I can only imagine how hard that decision would be.

I understand that there are women who struggle just to get pregnant. Those women feel like it is a slap in the face when someone who "accidentally" got pregnant, chooses to end her pregnancy. That would hurt. However, every woman has to decide for herself what is right.

This topic stirs up a lot of controversy. I try to avoid that. I don't care for controversy or conflict. But I am passionate about this subject. Some might think that being a Christian and being pro-choice, pro-gay rights is a contradiction when the Bible is pretty clear. (Although I don't recall reading about abortion specifically. Just that God knew us before we were ever concieved and so on. But I'm someone will be happy to inform me.) I don't believe it is a contradiction for me be a Christian and feel it is not my place to judge another person. It is not my place to tell them how to live. It is my place to show love and kindness despite our differences. That is where you make a difference in peoples lives.

I don't believe in people who claim to be Christians and like to quote scripture, like "God said 'Thou shalt not kill'," while forgetting that He also said, 'Judge not, lest ye be judged.'  Jesus said the most important commandment is to love one another.

We don't have to share all the same opinions and feelings. We are all different and we have all had our own experiences in life that have shaped our views and opinions. We all have different perspectives on any topic and we should use those various opinions to learn and grow ourselves. We don't have to change our minds, but we can learn to value other peoples opinions rather than condemn them for not believing as we believe. It is how you present your views. Being rude, nasty, confrontational is not the way to change a persons mind or heart.

I don't believe the way to convert someone to Christianity is to hatefully quote Scripture and take only one verse to prove yourself right, when there are so many other verses in the Bible that tell you how to treat people with love and kindness.

I don't believe in hypocritical Christians. I don't want to be one of those kinds of Christians. I believe it is those Christians who turn non-believers against us Believers.

I feel like the best way to get your point across on any subject is to do it with kindness and gratitude for the other person. If nothing else, you could learn something about yourself and feel good about yourself for behaving like an adult and not a bullying child. Bullying is what I have seen on Facebook. Not from children, but from grown people.

I want to state that I am not claiming to be perfect. I have made my mistakes in expressing myself when it would have been best to keep my opinions to myself. But I learn from that and try to filter myself as best as I can. (I need to do that more with my husband; I am pretty unfiltered with him and sometimes I feel like I can sound mean.) That is not the kind of person I am striving to be. I catch myself speaking hatefully sometimes and I pray for forgiveness and the strength and wisdom to speak only what is right. It's not easy to change behaviours that have been there for so long. But I try.

Our words have power. You can see that just by looking at Facebook among other things. The words people write stir up all kinds of emotions. It can cause anger, frustration, hurt, joy. A persons words on the screen can make you laugh or make you cry or make you scream. It's unfortunate when someone posts words intending to hurt someone else.

I have challenged myself and now I challenge anyone who reads this to watch your words. Respect other people, even if you don't agree with them. Be thankful for the people in your life and treat them with the kind of love and respect you would want to be treated with. Just one word can make or break your relationship. And remember that your children are watching the way you behave towards others and they are mimicking your behaviour. The anti-bullying war begins at home.

                       "What comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart
                                      and this defiles a person."  Matthew 15:18




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Another Daily Frustration

I had the kiddo's last night. It was parent-teacher conference night and I wasn't told about the meetings until after 9:00 the night before. I expect as much from my ex. When we were in court, his one problem with my proposal was that I said his wife didn't need to attend my children's conferences. She's not their mom and he can inform her of how they went. She completely dominates the conversation and she honestly believes that she has more say and input than I should have. Me, their mother! I am almost at my limit with her and I feel she deliberately pushes me hoping I will snap so I can get into more trouble. Not gonna happen.

So they found a way to keep me from going. They deliberately scheduled those appointments on my night with my kids, knowing full well I wouldn't want to miss my time with them. He didn't even bother finding someone to watch them so I could go. Oh, well. Honestly, I wasn't even planning on going to this round of meetings. I want to meet their teachers on a one on one basis, so they can get to me and vise-versa without her interfering. It's just the point that he is already pulling this kind of shit. If I did it to him, he would be pissed. I just have to hold on a while longer. He will not be happy if I start playing the game he plays all the time.

I am better than that though. I am better then both of them. I know that. They are complete hypocrites. They accuse me of doing shit that they are doing themselves. Shit that I don't do or say, that they do all the time and don't even recognise. They are so concerned about the kids' grades that they tried to put it in court papers that if they slip, custody automatically goes back to them. In other words, if my kids get a bad grade, it is my fault. Now, we will be alternating weeks with the kids. There are too many variables when it come to kids getting a bad grade. There could be any reason. What is hypocritical is that while he wanted that court ordered, my oldest son had an F. He and my daughter told me he was grounded from video games for getting an F. Now, my daughter told me she has a D in math (I was also bad in math). She said she has C's too, as well as some A's and B's. They don't even live with me yet, so who's fault is that? My ex would find a way to blame me somehow.

They are so concerned about how I take care of the kids' clothes and dress them, yet their step-mom made them wear the same clothes to my house 2 days in a row. They were filthy. I could not believe it. Well, I could, but you know. If I did that, I would be accused of being a terrible parent. They say that I used to let my kids wear clothes with holes in them and dirty (which is completely untrue to begin with; they have always had nice clothes, but boys get dirty), yet that is what they do.

I guess it comes back down to accepting what you can't change. I couldn't change my ex when we were together, he won't change now. And he married someone more psycho than I was on my drunkest, most belligerent day. It's true. So now I have double the trouble.

Oh, well. I had a great visit. But my middle son came in and looked really upset, though. He said that at day care (the daycare provider is his step-mom's mom) all the kids were playing football And they wouldn't let him. He started crying and said that his step-mom's sister told him he couldn't play and he didn't know why. He said, "I just wanted to play." It broke my heart. He's very sensitive and he whines a lot, but this was different. He was hurt. He's only 7. (And he is going to be an awesome football player!)

Last night I was laying bed thinking and wondered if that is how the parents felt after that football game where some of the kids didn't get all their plays. Now, I am not defending their behaviour in any way. I am still as appalled as ever. Their behaviour is wrong, end of story. But maybe the feeling is the same as what I felt for my son. No one wants to see their child's feelings hurt.

I kind of felt last night, as I was laying in bed and thought about it, that God was dealing with me on my judgement of those parents. Am I being hypocritical by judging them for their behaviour, which includes judging my husband and the other coaches? They are going around smearing my husbands name, yet, I have done plenty of talking, which includes my last post (and I don't regret it, I think I made my point). I just think God deals with me on these sorts of issues quite often, when I least expect it. Like with my son. It's just a thought.

I am planning on writing a post soon on forgiveness, which I am still working on. So until then...

Accepting What We Cannot Change

Have you ever been involved in something where you give everything you have to it: your heart, soul, commitment, time, patience, service and more? You give everything, trying to help people, be a good role model, help somebody grow, dedicating your time, energy, care and concern to a person or situation, only to  have those you are providing this service to turn on you. I have been in situations where the people I am helping or working for turn on me and treated me as less than what I deserved and I am sure most people have at some point. But what happened to my husband and his fellow coaches recently, takes the cake.

I had been thinking of writing a post on "accepting the things I cannot change" for a while and then an incident after my step-son X's game gave me the inspiration I needed.

 

My husband, Chris, coaches 5th grade tackle football with 3 other guys, one of whom is his best friend. Technically they now have another coach, but I still don't understand why. I smell something bad there. He's been gunning for Chris' position in my opinion.  (And everything I write on this blog is my opinion and my views, not necessarily Chris' or anyone else's. Chris has no knowledge of the stuff I write until it's already been published. He'll read my novel before it's published though. Just so we're clear.) Last year, they coached 4th grade and next year they'll coach 6th.

Coach Chris and X

Every year, the "Cowboys" play at the K-State stadium. It is a big deal and is very special to the kids. My son Logan plays on one of the 6th grade teams; he's played since 4th grade. He was so excited about meeting a player on the team who is from our town and Chris knows.

My step-son's team played before Logan's. I don't know much about football, but I know those boys were playing hard against a team that stomped them last year. Our boys held them to the end and went into overtime. X got hurt pretty badly, along with two of the other coaches sons, at the end of the game. After a while X was ready to go back in, so one of the coaches sent him in. X made an awesome tackle, even though he was hurt. But we ended up getting beat by 6 points. The Cowboys were amazing.

I was sitting in the stands with my three kids waiting for Logan to go out when all of a sudden, I hear some lunatic ranting and raving. At first, I didn't know what was going on. Then, I realized this "man," I'll refer to as "Brutus the Caveman," was yelling and cussing at my husband. He was going on sarcastically about how he's so glad he drove all this way to watch his kid get only 5 plays. Chris had tried to calm him and asked to do this at practice, but the guy continued to yell and demand to deal with it right there on the field. He said that other people had a problem too.

So, Chris yelled out that if anyone has a problem they can come to him in practice. But "Brutus" wouldn't let it go. He would not back off, even after Chris had walked away and began packing up. He also had an inured child to check on.

I couldn't believe what was going down and I'm pretty sure from everyone else's reaction that they couldn't believe it either. I was seriously concerned that this guy was going to punch my husband. Chris is a tall man, around 6'3", and thin. "Brutus" is a fat man who relies on his biker/inmate appearance to intimidate people. And honestly, when a huge guy is attacking your husband, demanding to "take it out to the parking lot to handle it," you get worried. I have no doubt Chris could hold his own, but still. My children were watching this.

Let me mention something about Chris. He is a wonderful man. I have written about him in past posts. He is far from perfect and he pisses me off to no end at times, but he is truly one in a million. When I relapsed in Dec. of 2010, we hadn't even been together a year and I put him through hell, yet he stuck by me. Even after I hurt my child and ended up in jail, he stood by me. He knew that wasn't the kind of person I really am and that I would die for my kids and he forgave me and he helped me get better. We healed together and moved on with our life. How many men would stick by a woman like me? Not many that is for sure. When he loves someone or something, he is there through thick and thin. He showed me the meaning of "for better or worse" and we weren't even married at that time. He deserves respect! (As all the other coaches do to and every person.) Chris deserves an apology from "Brutus" and everyone else who badmouthed him. How can you not like him?

My kids love Chris and the kids on his team respected and liked him, until they witnessed that BS and listened to their parents degrade and disrespect him. If their parents don't respect someone and don't show respect, how can we expect a child to? Is it funny when kids are bullying another kid saying they don't like his dad and they hate him as a coach? I really don't think any kid would've made that big of deal had the parents behaved appropriately. They might have noticed that they didn't get all their plays, but I bet they would've asked at practice in a more grown up manner than their parents did and Chris would've apologized and felt terrible and so would the other coaches. Chris is not the scapegoat so I am sick of people taking advantage of his kind, relaxed, laid back, giving nature. People mistake kindness for weakness and he is not weak. He is a stand up kind of man that we are all lucky to know.

The most ridiculous part is that this guy's son did get all his plays. There were a few boys who got overlooked in the heat of the game and I know that Chris feels bad about it and so do the other coaches. They wouldn't intentionally hurt any of those kids or deliberately make them feel bad. It was an intense game and SHIT HAPPENS!! But some people aren't satisfied with that excuse. What there is no excuse for was that disgusting display in front of our town and families. "Brutus the Caveman" shamed our team, our coaches who didn't deserve it, our children who were all a witness to it, our little town and the other teams. All because of a mistake that 4 wonderful coaches made that I am sure has never happened before. It was about the rudest most disrespectful thing I have seen in a long time and I was in jail a year ago, so that says something about "Brutus'" behaviour.

Chris was so upset from then until the parent meeting a couple days later. That's where my thoughts on accepting what you can't change comes in. No matter what Chris or the other guys said, it wouldn't change a person's mind that is already made up. And some minds were set against them. You can not change other people. You can only change yourself and how you respond to people or situations. Chris responded very gracefully considering there was a crazed man in his face trying to physically and verbally attack him, in front of his kids, his friends, his step-kids and wife, and even his wife's ex. It was embarrassing for him, me and probably a lot of the people watching. Anyone who thought that was cool or funny is completely deranged.

I know that in life we all come across people like "Brutus" and his pose. We can chose to walk away. They may not give a choice, but we can rise above them. We can chose to teach our kids that that behaviour is unacceptable and you don't get to throw a fit and get rewarded for that behaviour. People always ask what is wrong with kids these days; well, there was a perfect example. We parents set the example.

Some people might say I have no room to talk. I say to those people, I am trying to teach my kids to learn from their mistakes. Part of learning is taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable for your actions. Making amends for your bad actions or words. Changing whatever character defects you are willing to see in yourself and make a conscious effort to fix them. We can only change ourselves. We can ask for forgiveness and the other party has a choice to forgive or live in anger and resentment. That is up to them and only them. But we don't have to take responsibility for their feelings after that. They own their feelings.

I hope my children look at me and can say with certainty that people can change themselves if they are willing.

"Brutus" didn't even show up at the meeting. Instead he sent his girlfriend and a letter he wrote that wasn't even worth the ink or paper it was written on, or the breath it took to read it. It only showed his colors more clearly and proved he has no care or concern or regard for people who volunteer their time to his child.

All I have to say now is that dude is lucky Chris doesn't share my temper (or past temper) because it would've been on. There would've been fists and blood and cops and embarrassment and regret and shame.
Luckily, I don't play like that now. I have self control for the most part when I'm sober and taking my "crazy pills!"

For anyone who has been in a situation similar or been attacked for no reason, just remember, it isn't really about you. There is something within that person or persons. Nobody is perfect. A lot of people think they are and they fill their bucket with stones, ready to cast the first one at anyone who they feel messes up. Those are the people who need to take a long, hard look in the mirror. One day, they too might be turned on. Karma truly is a bitch; but most people don't realize it's karma and blame God or someone else. Karma has come back on me tenfold! And I have learned.

All you can do is keep your own yard clean, so to speak. You can't keep your yard clean and someone else's yard also. You worry about your mess and let them deal with theirs. Don't become a part of it. As hard as it is sometimes.

                          "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
                                       The courage to change the things I can,
                                And the wisdom to know the difference. Amen"
Peace out!


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A New Start

My kids at church on X-mas 2011

Today was the day that I have been waiting for and praying about for 20 months now. I am getting my kids back. As in, shared custody. After what seemed like a never ending battle in court and between my ex (his wife), and I, we finally came to an agreement. My kids will be so happy. I am happy.

20 months ago, I was a drunken mess. It'll be 20 months tomorrow that I had the absolute worst day of my life; probably my children's lives. I was in a black out drunk and I physically hurt one of my children. I still have no memory of it what-so-ever. But I have suffered the consequences every single day since. My kid's have also suffered. I hate to admit it, but even their dad suffered as far as seeing his kids hurting and all the attorney fees and so forth. I'll give him that. What I did caused a lot of pain to more people than just myself and my kids. But hurting them is what I am most sorry for.

I have not had a drink since that night. Not a single one; and I haven't wanted one. Only one week after about nine months sober did I start craving. But I talked it out and I didn't give in to the craving. I only have God to thank for that. He's kept me strong even in my weakness.

I have prayed every single day for this day to come. The day I would be able to bring my kids back home. Honestly, in the beginning of all this, I didn't think it would happen. I though maybe I'd get my weekends back, but not shared custody. And if their dad wanted to be an even bigger dick, he could have fought to keep full custody and I would only get weekends. So as difficult as he's been, I am grateful he didn't do that and that we went with our original agreement.

It's been rough. It's been the most stressful period of my life by far. But I made it through with the help of my husband, who stood beside me the whole way; my family and kids; and most of all, God. I remained hopeful, even when it seemed hopeless. I kept the faith when it just didn't seem possible. I believed with all my heart that God had a great plan for my life and that plan includes my kids. I prayed without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17), and I chose to believe that my prayers would be answered. It wasn't always easy. I always had that dreadful voice in the back of my mind saying, "it'll never happen. You screwed up too bad, you don't deserve another chance." But I ignored it.

I hope anyone who is struggling, in any situation, and reads this will be inspired to do the same. Just have faith. Just do what you know is right and the next right thing is going to come. But sometimes it takes work. A lot of work and patience. I thought I was on my last leg. I really didn't know how much more I could stand, but I held on. I had a lot of wonderful support at home, at work, in places I never would've expected. I am truly grateful to everyone who was there to talk to and lean on.

I feel more humbled because of the situation. Did I act humble at all times? Probably not. I think people, myself included, mistake being humble for being weak. And I didn't want to be preyed upon for any weakness. But I surely feel humbled. I was knocked off my high horse; God allowed that. I guess I needed it.

I am happy and I am very lucky. I am so lucky to be given another chance. It's a new start for my family. I won't let anyone or anything stand in the way of me and my kids. No one. Not even myself.

Current Stresses

I went to court last week and of course, nothing resolved. I have to go back. My daughter is pretty upset. She wants to come home. It's all I have been hearing from all of my kids for months. But the step-monster won't stay out of shit. It could have been done. I get along alright with the kids' dad, until she gets her ass involved. I can't for the life of me understand how another woman can honestly believe she has the right to  control me and my children and that she has the right to act as their mom. They have a mom; ME! She wasn't involved in the conception of those children. Oh, well. I keep praying and I know God's Will will be done.

Other than the continual court cases that seem never ending, and of course financially struggles, things are going pretty well. I have started a fiction novel. I used to write obsessively in high school. It was pretty much all I was interested in. I've had a story in my head for years and I was finally inspired to start writing fiction again. It is a romance novel and I decided that if I was going to write it, I was going to go all the way, holding nothing back. It's been fun.

I'm still trying to lose weight. Not having much luck at all. It is so frustrating! Why can't everything just be easy?

Things have been so much better between Chris and I. Relationships take work and communication. We can both be very stubborn; I might be more stubborn than him. I guess it will always be a work in progress.

I am pretty stressed out. All the court stuff, never ending bills, Christmas and birthdays coming up...Where do you come up with the money when there just isn't any? I just pray and pray. I know God is providing and I try not to worry, but it is tough.

I can't wait for this year to be over. It is just one thing after the next. Just when everything seems to be working out the way I have prayed for, something happens and I get a major set back. But I believe one day I will look back and know that I can get through anything because I got through all this shit.

I am thankful for love. The love of my wonderful husband, my beautiful children, my mom and the rest of my family. And most of all, God's love and forgiveness.

'Til next time.

Getting Better

Well, how things change in just a week. I think Chris and I are getting back on track.We've done a lot of talking over the past few days and I think he is more understanding of where I'm coming from and I understand him a little more. I love him so much. And he loves me, that I know.

I have my kids tonight and I am always looking forward to seeing them. They light up my life.

We went to Logan's football game last Saturday. I feel so bad for him. He's got a cast on his wrist and can't play. But he is there and is part of the team. He fills their drink bottles and runs out and gets the thing they set the football on for kick off. I don't know what it's called. He will get the cast off soon. I don't know if the doctor will let him play after that. He will have to work with his wrist. I miss seeing him play. He's pretty good.

My husband is one of the coaches of the 5th grade team. My step-son plays. He is also very good. I am very proud of all of them. I love watching them out there. The boys are good little football players and my husband looks so sexy out there coaching!!

I go to court next week I hate court, but I think it will go well. Life is on the right track.

You know, the AA Promises are true. Do the next right thing; things will get better. One step at a time, one day at a time. Life is what you make it and I choose to make mine as good as possible and work out whatever issues arise. I'm not running from anything these days. I thank God every day for my sobriety and for being there for me, pulling me through it all.

I'm Not Dead

Wow, has it been forever since I've written, or what?! It feels like it. I don't know why, I just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been doing more reading lately.

I have a tendency to start something and it is great, I love it, but then the newness and fun wear off and I get bored. I love writing, don't get me wrong. I won't quit writing. I just go through phases. I know that is not really good for a blog writer to do. Just like I get bored, so do my readers and people move on to something else very quickly.

Things are going pretty well right now. Things with my kids are great and getting better, as far as custody, it seems. I am pretty happy.

My weight loss progress is going slowly, but surely. I'm only losing about a pound a week. I am very impatient. I want it NOW! I want to be thin again. Changing anti-depressants has worked wonders though. I would still be gaining if I hadn't switched. While my appetite has been somewhat suppressed, and my libido has improved and I have more energy (I'm not fatigued), I'm not sure what I'm on now works as well for depression. I'm not so depressed, but I just feel sort of numb. I don't know how to explain it. I think that has something to do with my lack of interest in writing lately. But I'm more depressed when I'm fat, so it's a catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Things with my husband aren't as great as they could be. He's a good man, but completely oblivious to my feelings and needs. It gets old. I am the kind of wife who lets her husband know what I need and want and expect. He listens to me and then the opposite of what I have told him. It's been this way from day one though, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He makes promises and the next day it's out the window. It causes some major trust issues. Trust as far as believing what he tells me. When he says he will do something, I'm like, "yeah, I'll believe it when I see it." So I am numb. Nothing will ever change.

My mom would tell me, "if this is the worst of your problems..." I know. Compared to my relationship before, I've got it pretty good. But sometimes I need more than "good." I would like respect. I need my feelings and needs and wishes respected. I respect his needs and feelings. I know I could do better in some areas, but I admit it. I don't pretend to be perfect. I know I'm not. That's the difference between us. He thinks he is perfect, so why change? I don't know what to do anymore. My voice is not really heard in this relationship, no matter how loud I am.

I have to do everything. He doesn't help me. So I am nervous about having my kids back here because I will have to do everything on my own and I will get so mad when I look over and he is sitting there doing nothing. That's how it was before. He says he will help me, but he doesn't even help when it is just the two of us. And when I ask him to do something around the house or whatever, he gets all mad and pouts.

No matter what, I won't get so overwhelmed that I start drinking again. I don't even think about it anymore. I have other ways of coping now. And I will NEVER do that to my kids again. I want them back home so bad, I will do anything and everything to keep them safe and healthy and happy. No matter how mad I get at Chris, I will never risk my kids again.

I have 19 months sober, baby!!

I have a lot of changes coming; good changes. I just hope things get better in the areas I've discussed.

Til next time!!

8 Tips For Managing Stress

Everyone gets stressed out from time to time. Just a couple weeks ago, I had the most stressful week I’ve had in 18 months; and that includes my 45 days in jail. So it got me thinking of the different methods to manage stress.

We all cope with stress differently. I, like a lot of people, tend to become angry and irritable, an fly off the handle. I had actually been doing really well about not flying off the handle, thanks to Prozac. But my doc had switched me to another anti-depressant because I gained so much weight on the other. Hopefully my moods will even out more; especially now that I am losing weight.  

Some people lose their appetite; some people turn to comfort foods (me); some people turn to alcohol or drugs. There are so many things people do that don’t really work too well for the long run.

So I started digging around in my “toolbox” for some healthy alternatives for stress management. These are some things that have been working for me (aside from anti-depressants)

     

     1. Pray. When I am really stressed and overwhelmed, I turn to God for comfort. I pray a lot for strength to get through the difficult times. I meditate on God’s Promises. And most importantly, I believe that He hears an answers my prayers.   

         

            2. Meditate.  For me, prayer and meditation go hand in hand. Meditation and breathing exercises are the best for stressful situations. A couple of months ago, I had court and I as so nervous. The whole time I as waiting to be called, I focused on my breathing and nothing else. It really helped me relax. If you are unsure how to meditate, click here for some tips    

     

      3. Go for a walk. Exercise is great for stress. I enjoy walking, but not in 107 degree weather. During unpleasant weather, use a treadmill if you have one or use an exercise DVD. Anything, just exercise. Being out in nature is very always lifts my spirits. Yoga is by far the best for stress relief.     

     

      4. Get organized. I don’t know about you, but when my house is a mess, I feel like everything is in chaos. I am not a neat freak at all. I am actually a bit of a clutter bug. But when things start piling up, I get really annoyed. Big time. So just clearing the table, putting dishes away, tidying up really helps put my mind at ease

     

      5. Take a bubble bath. Set aside time just for yourself. It doesn’t have to be a bath; you could read for an hour write, paint your toenails, take a nap. Just set aside to focus on yourself and nobody else. Don’t think about anything going on in life; it’s just you.

        

            6. Play some calming music. When I’m stressed or angry, I am drawn to loud, angry music. They are preaching what I’m feeling. But all that does is get me all fired up all over again. Instead, try something uplifting and you’ll notice a difference. I know I do. And if you are sad or depressed, don’t listen to Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”, or Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” I don’t even have to be depressed to start balling when I hear those songs.  

   

     7. Ask for help. If you’re overwhelmed about housework and you have kids running around, ask someone to help you. Or if you are overloaded at work, just admit you could use a hand. I know it’s hard to admit and you don’t want to look bad. But you can’t do everything on your own. Everyone needs help sometimes.  

    

      8. Talk to someone you trust. It could be your spouse if they are the type of person who will just listen and not try to “fix” you; most men want to fix whatever the problem is. Or if they’re someone who is easily offended or will become stressed themselves, they probably aren’t the right person to confide in. A pastor or minister you know and trust would be a good person to talk to. They can offer you spiritual guidance.  If you are chronically stressed, I would suggest finding a therapist. They can offer un-biased opinions and help you work through your stress and problems. Seeing a therapist/counselor doesn’t mean there is something “wrong” with you. You will be amazed at the progress you will make in your life with someone who will offer honest, un-biased feedback.

I hope these ideas are useful. When you don’t deal with your stress issues, it is just going to build up and it will come out in an explosive way. You have to take care of yourself before you can be any good to your family or job or whatever. Best wishes!


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One Step At A Time, One Day At A Time

It's been several days since I've written. I have been so busy. I must be a bit crazy because I started a new blog. I haven't published anything yet; I want to wait until I have several posts written. It is a Christian blog, which is much harder than I thought it would be. Maybe because I want it to be perfect.

I have also started a Christian Apologetics course and a Bible study course. I have a lot going on. But My Life Sober is a priority. I want to write at least 3 posts a week still. I may have stretched myself a little thin but I am so excited about everything. I love the Bible study and aplogetics course. I am enrolling in a theology course. That is what I want to major in. But I know it will take time, as I work full time, have 4 kids, and I have some other stuff to complete. But I am really happy. God has called me and I can't put it off any longer. He won't let me.

I am feeling great. I have so much hope for the future. Things might be tough at times, but I'll survive.

I am 18 months sober! Yae, me! I had the most stressful week I've had in a long, long time and I am still sober and never even thought about drinking. Thank you, God. I am doing great. You know, it's amazing what a person can do when they set their mind to something and have faith in God to help them. Yesterday, I was looking through my Bible and came to Psalm 119:65-72:

                                                 Do good to your servant
                                                          according to your word, O Lord.
                                                 Teach me knowledge and good judgement,
                                                          for I believe in your commands.
                                                 Before I was afflicted I went astray,
                                                          but now I obey Your word.
                                                 You are good, and what You do is good;
                                                          teach me Your decrees.
                                                  Though the arrogant have smeared me with lies,
                                                          I keep Your precepts with all my heart.
                                                  Their hearts are callous and unfeeling,
                                                          but I delight in Your law.
                                                  It was good for me to be afflicted
                                                          so that I might learn Your decrees.
                                                  The law from Your mouth is more precious to me
                                                          than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.

When I read this, it was perfect. It was exactly what I needed to read and it says exactly how I feel. Some of the things I did in my past are horrible, but had it not happened I would not have learned God's way. Now, I already knew God's commandments and I knew what I should be doing, but I didn't have it in my heart. I say I have always been a Christian, but I wasn't living a Christians life. I know I'm not alone on that. I now strive to be a "true" committed Christian and do what is right. I make mistakes and I know I have work to do, but at least I really am trying. And believe me, when I get a nasty attitude with people, like I do when I am stressed, God deals with me.

 Some people still "smear me with lies," and spread rumors and gossip about me, and it does hurt to some degree, because I am not my past and they don't see, or want to see that. But I don't have to worry about them. I just have to delight in God's law and He will take care of the rest. Rumors and gossip can really hurt a person and make an already bad or difficult situation worse, but what can I do? Nothing. I can't change them, I can only change me, with the Lord's help and guidance.

These kinds of changes aren't just for alcoholics and addicts; everyone has made mistakes. Maybe not to the extent of my mistakes, but everyone has changes they need to make, whether they want to admit it or not. Making significant changes in one's life is not easy. Sometimes it's easier to just stay the same. It's easier to just have an attitude with people than it is to hold your tongue. Sometimes I get so angry or frustrated that my blood is just boiling and to not say something or go off is the hardest thing ever. I'm like a volcano ready to erupt. But the more I manage to hold my tongue the prouder I can be of myself and the progress I am making. It isn't progress that another person can see or measure, but only God and myself are aware. One step at a time, one day at a time. That's how we all must live.

Please feel welcome to leave comments!!

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How To Build Your Self-Esteem In 6 Simple Steps

Most people have had self-esteem issues at some point, in some form, whether they portray it or not. I have battled my own self-esteem issues and I thought I would write what has worked for me and what has worked for others. I hope this is helpful...

1. Stop criticizing yourself!  That sounds easy enough right? Stop being your worst critic and start believing in yourself. Forgive yourself for past mistakes; we all make them! When you catch yourself thinking or saying something negative, stop and give yourself at least 2 compliments. Say it enough until you start believing it.

2. Make a self-affirmation list.  Write at least 20 positive qualities you have. Yes, you do have 20 positive qualities and many more! So dig deep. It can be anything; pretty eyes, thick flowing hair, great sense of humor, etc.. If you are having a hard time, think about compliments you have received. No matter what you think, you have many great characteristics.

3. Hang that affirmation list where you will see it every day. Read it aloud first thing in the morning. Who cares if someone hears you?..Well, okay, read it to yourself if you must. But read it and FEEL it. Read it over and over and over.

4. Take pride in your appearance. It doesn't matter what you look like or what you think you look like; as long as you look like you care. Fix yourself up. It will instantly make you feel more confident.

5. Find something you are good at. A hobby, a job; it doesn't matter how big or small you think it is. Just become the very best at it that you can be. Study and learn everything you can about whatever it is. It always feels good when you know you are good at something and other people admire that. Are you a singer? Let your voice be heard. Couponer? Become the best darn couponer you can be. And be proud of yourself, because you earned it.

6. Help someone. Help them with chores, homework, put your knowledge to use. Volunteer somewhere, help a neighbor with yard work. Helping others is the ultimate self-esteem booster. It feels good to be selfless and help another person who needs it. It is good to get away from yourself and your own issues and think about someone else's needs. You will feel amazing!

Well, that is pretty easy, right? It takes doing over and over and before you know it, you start to believe everything you say to yourself. So why not say something positive?.. And learn to take a compliment! You're on your way!

A Test of My Faith

This post is somewhat related to "Can't Keep Me Down," because the situation I am in right now inspired it. The situation truly has been a test of my faith.

Just a brief update on that: I spoke to one for my attorneys and she said this woman was way off base and should know better. I shouldn't have been blamed for something that's out of my control and legally, there was nothing I could do at the time. And she shouldn't have spoken me that way. Bottom line, I was in the right. Of course that doesn't change anything if she still thinks she right and like I said in my last post, she is in a position of power, and I will suffer the repercussions because she won't admit to being wrong. But knowing I wasn't wrong and could appeal it, makes me feel better. (I wish I could go into detail, but I can't. Sorry.)

Sometimes just knowing the truth within yourself isn't enough, especially when it affects your future with your children. But hearing it from a good attorney who knows the law helps. It is hard to not dwell on things people say that hurt you. It is pretty normal to have an inner dialogue, things you wish you'd thought of at the time; things you wish you'd said. But seriously, where does that get you? Worked up, pissed off, irate, depressed, stressed, etc.. Losing sleep over it won't help; it'll only add fuel to your already blazing fire. It sucks, especially when it could really hurt your life situation and there's nothing you can do about it. Believe me I know!

No matter what anyone says about me or to me, or how I am attacked; mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually, it is not enough to lead me back down the road of self-destruction. I have complete and utter faith in the Lord. I know with certainty that He is working for me. He gives me strength. He knows me and He believes in me.

The truth will be known eventually.

My faith will be tested just as all believers are tested at some point. I am happy, healthy, and sober. And I am a fantastic and loving mother. But most of all, I am a child of the Supreme Ruler; the Final Judge. My Heavenly Father.

Can't Keep Me Down

I had the worst phone call yesterday. I can't get in to any details at the moment, but this woman I spoke to was so rude to me for the first part of the conversation; completely unprofessional and just plain mean to me. She brought up stuff that happened a year and a half ago, like I am less than human and deserved to be treated that way. I was in complete and utter shock. I didn't know what to do or say. This person is in a power position. She completely undermined everything I have done this whole time to get better and recover from the disease of alcoholism. No one has treated me like that in a long time and I absolutely know I didn't deserve it. I don't know, maybe she had a bad day and took it out on me.

I felt horrible all day. I was sick to my stomach all night and all today.

I have made huge efforts to be healthy mentally, emotionally and I am working on the physical. I have been doing fabulous and I am a wonderful, loving mother who genuinely wants the best for my children.

So why would I let someone who doesn't know me get me down, after all I have worked for? Maybe because she kind of holds my future in her hands right now. But, knowing that I was NOT wrong, why would I dwell on it so long? I know who I am and I know I am a good person. Even the judge said that I can't be punished forever for my mistakes forever; I have my dues, and this woman basically treated me like I was the scum of the earth. Why do I care?

I know that everything will work out and that God is for me; so who can be against me? I know this with complete certainty, but still, her words hurt. This woman whom I don't know and who doesn't know me, really hurt me. How does that happen?

I don't know what her motivation was; it really doesn't matter. The fact is, things may bother me at first, I may dwell on it for a while, but I a stronger now than I have ever been and nothing is going to keep me down. I know that the devil uses people, unbeknownst to them, to try to hurt me and doubt God. Well, it won't work. I have seen His goodness and I am a believer. I truly mean "His will be done." Whatever He has planned for me is a good plan and I trust Him fully to take care of me and my children.

There are always going to be hard times that arise. But I will handle it as gracefully as I can. I am sober, faithful, and I won't give my happiness over to someone else to stomp on. I don't deserve that. Nobody does.



Please feel free to leave questions or comments and I will return the favor!




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Nothing is Stronger Than a Mothers Love...

I recently read in the paper about an acquaintance of mine who was arrested for battery and disorderly conduct. This wasn't her first arrest on similar charges, in fact, a year ago she did jail time for battery on an LEO. She was drunk when she got arrested that time and I am assuming that was the case this time as well.

It's been about a year since I have seen her. We did a little time in jail together and before that, we were in treatment together. In jail, she never pretended she wanted to get sober. She seemed convinced that she was bound to live as a raging alcoholic forever. She seemed scared that this disease would kill her, however, that fear wasn't enough. The depression and anxiety she suffered was far worse in her mind. When she was sober, she had to feel whatever feelings she had. That may have been worse in her opinion than the pain alcoholism brought her life.

She has a few young children, who live with their dad. From what she said, he never tried to keep those children from her; he allowed her to see them whenever she wanted to, (which I think is amazing on his part). But she chose to drink instead. It was obvious she loves her boys, but as I've heard it said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love...except for her addiction." I've offered myself and my situation as an example of that statement, but this woman is another example. No matter how strong your love for your children is, it's not always enough to keep you sober. You have to want it for yourself.

I believe she may be looking at prison time now. She's had many chances to get her life together. I just don't think she wanted to. Maybe she just didn't feel she deserved another chance. Maybe she was so consumed with shame and guilt, that the only thing she could do was drink those feelings away. I can relate to that, and I know so many others can also. Until she deals with those feelings, she's bound to keep returning to what feels comfortable to her.

I know what it is like to battle depression. I also know what it is like to suffer some bouts with anxiety. You feel like you are crazy; like you are losing your mind. You don't know why or what is wrong with you and no matter what you do, you just can't get over it. The more you try and fail, or the more other people try to help you, the crazier you feel. And you can't understand what is happening to you. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just feel "normal?" It's a difficult feeling to explain, and unless you've been there yourself, it's difficult to understand.

So, some of us drink or use other drugs, in an attempt to feel something. Or in an attempt to not feel what we're feeling. We drink because we're depressed, and we become more depressed because we drink. Alcohol is a depressant. It might work to numb ourselves from whatever feelings we have, but soon, it only amplifies those feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle. And then you feel helpless.

I feel for this woman. I had hoped she would get it together last year, after she was released from jail. But honestly, I didn't think she would. She wasn't ready. She hadn't hit bottom yet. For some people, everything she had gone through would've been bottom. An alcoholic or addict, who is sober, can usually spot the one who is not yet ready. And you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

For her sake, and her children's, I hope she has hit bottom. It will only get worse if she hasn't. Prison can sober you up, but until you deal with what is going on inside of you, you're just going to go back to your old patterns and behaviors when you get out; if you get out.

Anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism...they do go hand in hand.


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Filling the Void (What is addiction?)

A woman I work with told me she had been reading my blog and had found it inspiring. I am grateful to anyone who reads my work and has good things to say about it. The fact that she is not an alcoholic or addict and found my blog inspiring touched me; I wish to inspire anyone who just wants a better life. She said that everyone has had their addictions, it doesn't have to be alcohol or drugs, it can be anything: food, working, sex, money, shopping, dieting, exercise, caffeine, etc. I've been hooked on chapstick forever, and Pepsi Max. Then she said something else and put it in such a way the she inspired me. She said, "addiction is just a void that we are trying to fill." She went on to say that God made us that way because we are supposed to be filled with Him. He allows us to hit bottom so that we will turn to Him.

In my last post, God's Will Be Done, I wrote about my experience; when I felt God speak to me and how I now know why God allowed me to go through the things I've gone through. I was searching for something. I look back and I know that since I was a teenager, I was searching. what I really wanted was love. We all do, right? I wanted to feel really loved.

I had a few boyfriends in high school, nothing serious. I always seemed to date the same type of guys; someone with a serious void of their own that they were trying to fill...a void I could never fill for them. I would definately say the first thing I used as a substance, other than rock n' roll, was men. No, I didn't sleep around in high school; I as too shy and reserved for that. Once I got out of school, however, things changed. I used whoever I was seeing at the time and sex to try to feel good. But no amount of sex or man ever filled the void within myself, and I had such high expectations for these men that I was always left disappointed.

Then I got pregnant. I thought that this baby was all the love I would ever need. The love I have for my children is eternal. It's immortal; it will never die. Even after I'm gone, the love I have for them will still be out there, forever present. But that still wasn't enough to fill the hole inside of me.

I was already depressed and my depression just grew. Nothing made me feel good. I turned to alcohol. For a brief period, it did make me feel good. It made me feel something. It helped me forget for a little while how miserable I was. I was so unhappy and the more I looked to things and other people, the worse I felt.

It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and finally heard God speak to my heart and soul, that I started feeling better.  That void was beginning to be filled. It wasn't a complete and immediate transformation, but it as pretty close. I knew what I was searching for. I knew my answer was my Father in Heaven.

I still have things to work on. I know God gives me things to work on so I won't become too complacent. I still turn to food for comfort sometimes. And when I am bored. But that conversation I had with my co-worker really inspired me. I don't need to turn to food, or anything; I can give that issue up to God, just as I gave Him my issue with alcohol. He will take it off my hands. He is fulfilling His promise of giving me a new hope and a future.

Not me

I don't have to live with any addiction, I'm in need for nothing but God's love, mercy, and grace. With Him I can do anything, I can overcome any obstacle.

My new goal is to stop obsessing about my weight and start focusing on the Lord and the dreams He has placed in my heart. I have the love I have always wanted. God has given that to me freely. And He has put people in my life to be expressions of His love. I look to Him for fulfillment.

What have you been addicted to? Nobody likes to think or themselves as being addicted to anything, but we all have had our vices. Caffeine, maybe? How are you handling it?

Feel welcome to leave questions or comments. I will respond ASAP and I'll visit your site!!







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God's Will Be Done

"God's will not mine," is something I've heard said a lot. Especially in treatment. Any time somebody would get pissed off at someone else, that would be their response. It's something you say and you think you really mean it, but do you? What does that mean anyway? When you say "God's will be done," are you following it up with, "but please, just give me what I want?" I know I have.

For the past year and a half, I've wanted a couple things so badly; to win the lottery...duh...and most importantly, my children. I have given up on the lottery, but I pray for my kids every day. In the beginning of all of this, I didn't really care what God's will was, to be honest; I just wanted my kids. It took making a choice to get to know my Higher Power on another level to start feeling differently. Gradually building a stronger relationship with my Lord, to realize that He wants good things for my life. He wants good things for my children's lives. I believe that and I have hope in that, no matter how difficult things can be.

I used to ask, "Why, God, why? Why did you let this happen?" I believe I know now. After reading countless books on spirituality, books about God and Heaven; reading Scripture, anything I can find on the internet, and after so much soul searching, I have gradually figured it out. I believe with all my heart, it is so I would become stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So I would get over myself and my selfishness (I still have my selfish moments), and come back to Him. He figuratively slapped me in the face with reality and said, "wake up! Look what you are doing to yourself and to your kids. You're life can be so much better, if you just put your faith in Me." I know I am supposed to help people, with my story; my experiences.

I used to ask, "why is it that certain other people can drink to their hearts content, and act like complete idiots? They are clearly alcoholics, yet they never get into any trouble? But when I start drinking, I get into all sorts of stupid trouble and get arrested and shit. That's not fair, why do they keep getting away with it and I don't?" I actually did ask that question while having a conversation with my husband and the very instant it left my mouth, I was hit with the answer. Like a voice from Heaven, I heard, "Because I have a better plan for your life. I allowed you to fall hard, so that I could lift you up." I, seriously, broke down in tears. I finally had my eyes open.

I still get all emotional when I think about that moment. It changed a lot for me. No, it wasn't an overnight, "everything is perfect now" change. It was just the beginning.It gave me renewed hope. That's when I began to accept God's will for my life, whatever that was. I still struggled with giving up control. But that truly is what "God's will be done" means. Accepting that you are not in control of your own destiny. God is. If you're fighting for control of your own life and everyone else's and everything around you, as I was, you're not living for God's will. His will is not always my will. I still catch myself thinking and saying things like, "I'm in charge of my life, nobody else controls me." Then that still small voice says, "no, I'm in control." I know if I take that control back out of God's loving hands and into my own, I am doomed. I will end up back down the path I was on. Drunk, self-destructive, destroying everything I love and have worked so hard to gain. I know there may come difficult times; God never promised to make life easy. But I know that true peace and happiness will come from my relationship with Him.

Now, when I say, "God's will be done," I truly mean it, because I know He has a perfect plan already laid out for me. As long as I trust in Him, everything will work out, according to that plan. When I begin to stray, He will pull me back to Him, somehow, some way. With that knowledge, I have peace.





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