Accepting What We Cannot Change

Have you ever been involved in something where you give everything you have to it: your heart, soul, commitment, time, patience, service and more? You give everything, trying to help people, be a good role model, help somebody grow, dedicating your time, energy, care and concern to a person or situation, only to  have those you are providing this service to turn on you. I have been in situations where the people I am helping or working for turn on me and treated me as less than what I deserved and I am sure most people have at some point. But what happened to my husband and his fellow coaches recently, takes the cake.

I had been thinking of writing a post on "accepting the things I cannot change" for a while and then an incident after my step-son X's game gave me the inspiration I needed.

 

My husband, Chris, coaches 5th grade tackle football with 3 other guys, one of whom is his best friend. Technically they now have another coach, but I still don't understand why. I smell something bad there. He's been gunning for Chris' position in my opinion.  (And everything I write on this blog is my opinion and my views, not necessarily Chris' or anyone else's. Chris has no knowledge of the stuff I write until it's already been published. He'll read my novel before it's published though. Just so we're clear.) Last year, they coached 4th grade and next year they'll coach 6th.

Coach Chris and X

Every year, the "Cowboys" play at the K-State stadium. It is a big deal and is very special to the kids. My son Logan plays on one of the 6th grade teams; he's played since 4th grade. He was so excited about meeting a player on the team who is from our town and Chris knows.

My step-son's team played before Logan's. I don't know much about football, but I know those boys were playing hard against a team that stomped them last year. Our boys held them to the end and went into overtime. X got hurt pretty badly, along with two of the other coaches sons, at the end of the game. After a while X was ready to go back in, so one of the coaches sent him in. X made an awesome tackle, even though he was hurt. But we ended up getting beat by 6 points. The Cowboys were amazing.

I was sitting in the stands with my three kids waiting for Logan to go out when all of a sudden, I hear some lunatic ranting and raving. At first, I didn't know what was going on. Then, I realized this "man," I'll refer to as "Brutus the Caveman," was yelling and cussing at my husband. He was going on sarcastically about how he's so glad he drove all this way to watch his kid get only 5 plays. Chris had tried to calm him and asked to do this at practice, but the guy continued to yell and demand to deal with it right there on the field. He said that other people had a problem too.

So, Chris yelled out that if anyone has a problem they can come to him in practice. But "Brutus" wouldn't let it go. He would not back off, even after Chris had walked away and began packing up. He also had an inured child to check on.

I couldn't believe what was going down and I'm pretty sure from everyone else's reaction that they couldn't believe it either. I was seriously concerned that this guy was going to punch my husband. Chris is a tall man, around 6'3", and thin. "Brutus" is a fat man who relies on his biker/inmate appearance to intimidate people. And honestly, when a huge guy is attacking your husband, demanding to "take it out to the parking lot to handle it," you get worried. I have no doubt Chris could hold his own, but still. My children were watching this.

Let me mention something about Chris. He is a wonderful man. I have written about him in past posts. He is far from perfect and he pisses me off to no end at times, but he is truly one in a million. When I relapsed in Dec. of 2010, we hadn't even been together a year and I put him through hell, yet he stuck by me. Even after I hurt my child and ended up in jail, he stood by me. He knew that wasn't the kind of person I really am and that I would die for my kids and he forgave me and he helped me get better. We healed together and moved on with our life. How many men would stick by a woman like me? Not many that is for sure. When he loves someone or something, he is there through thick and thin. He showed me the meaning of "for better or worse" and we weren't even married at that time. He deserves respect! (As all the other coaches do to and every person.) Chris deserves an apology from "Brutus" and everyone else who badmouthed him. How can you not like him?

My kids love Chris and the kids on his team respected and liked him, until they witnessed that BS and listened to their parents degrade and disrespect him. If their parents don't respect someone and don't show respect, how can we expect a child to? Is it funny when kids are bullying another kid saying they don't like his dad and they hate him as a coach? I really don't think any kid would've made that big of deal had the parents behaved appropriately. They might have noticed that they didn't get all their plays, but I bet they would've asked at practice in a more grown up manner than their parents did and Chris would've apologized and felt terrible and so would the other coaches. Chris is not the scapegoat so I am sick of people taking advantage of his kind, relaxed, laid back, giving nature. People mistake kindness for weakness and he is not weak. He is a stand up kind of man that we are all lucky to know.

The most ridiculous part is that this guy's son did get all his plays. There were a few boys who got overlooked in the heat of the game and I know that Chris feels bad about it and so do the other coaches. They wouldn't intentionally hurt any of those kids or deliberately make them feel bad. It was an intense game and SHIT HAPPENS!! But some people aren't satisfied with that excuse. What there is no excuse for was that disgusting display in front of our town and families. "Brutus the Caveman" shamed our team, our coaches who didn't deserve it, our children who were all a witness to it, our little town and the other teams. All because of a mistake that 4 wonderful coaches made that I am sure has never happened before. It was about the rudest most disrespectful thing I have seen in a long time and I was in jail a year ago, so that says something about "Brutus'" behaviour.

Chris was so upset from then until the parent meeting a couple days later. That's where my thoughts on accepting what you can't change comes in. No matter what Chris or the other guys said, it wouldn't change a person's mind that is already made up. And some minds were set against them. You can not change other people. You can only change yourself and how you respond to people or situations. Chris responded very gracefully considering there was a crazed man in his face trying to physically and verbally attack him, in front of his kids, his friends, his step-kids and wife, and even his wife's ex. It was embarrassing for him, me and probably a lot of the people watching. Anyone who thought that was cool or funny is completely deranged.

I know that in life we all come across people like "Brutus" and his pose. We can chose to walk away. They may not give a choice, but we can rise above them. We can chose to teach our kids that that behaviour is unacceptable and you don't get to throw a fit and get rewarded for that behaviour. People always ask what is wrong with kids these days; well, there was a perfect example. We parents set the example.

Some people might say I have no room to talk. I say to those people, I am trying to teach my kids to learn from their mistakes. Part of learning is taking responsibility and holding yourself accountable for your actions. Making amends for your bad actions or words. Changing whatever character defects you are willing to see in yourself and make a conscious effort to fix them. We can only change ourselves. We can ask for forgiveness and the other party has a choice to forgive or live in anger and resentment. That is up to them and only them. But we don't have to take responsibility for their feelings after that. They own their feelings.

I hope my children look at me and can say with certainty that people can change themselves if they are willing.

"Brutus" didn't even show up at the meeting. Instead he sent his girlfriend and a letter he wrote that wasn't even worth the ink or paper it was written on, or the breath it took to read it. It only showed his colors more clearly and proved he has no care or concern or regard for people who volunteer their time to his child.

All I have to say now is that dude is lucky Chris doesn't share my temper (or past temper) because it would've been on. There would've been fists and blood and cops and embarrassment and regret and shame.
Luckily, I don't play like that now. I have self control for the most part when I'm sober and taking my "crazy pills!"

For anyone who has been in a situation similar or been attacked for no reason, just remember, it isn't really about you. There is something within that person or persons. Nobody is perfect. A lot of people think they are and they fill their bucket with stones, ready to cast the first one at anyone who they feel messes up. Those are the people who need to take a long, hard look in the mirror. One day, they too might be turned on. Karma truly is a bitch; but most people don't realize it's karma and blame God or someone else. Karma has come back on me tenfold! And I have learned.

All you can do is keep your own yard clean, so to speak. You can't keep your yard clean and someone else's yard also. You worry about your mess and let them deal with theirs. Don't become a part of it. As hard as it is sometimes.

                          "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
                                       The courage to change the things I can,
                                And the wisdom to know the difference. Amen"
Peace out!


photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/clintjcl/200483169/">Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombasticos (ClintJCL)</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>

photo credit: <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/philsnyder/4329638925/">Philerooski</a> via <a href="http://photopin.com">photopin</a> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/">cc</a>