A New Start

My kids at church on X-mas 2011

Today was the day that I have been waiting for and praying about for 20 months now. I am getting my kids back. As in, shared custody. After what seemed like a never ending battle in court and between my ex (his wife), and I, we finally came to an agreement. My kids will be so happy. I am happy.

20 months ago, I was a drunken mess. It'll be 20 months tomorrow that I had the absolute worst day of my life; probably my children's lives. I was in a black out drunk and I physically hurt one of my children. I still have no memory of it what-so-ever. But I have suffered the consequences every single day since. My kid's have also suffered. I hate to admit it, but even their dad suffered as far as seeing his kids hurting and all the attorney fees and so forth. I'll give him that. What I did caused a lot of pain to more people than just myself and my kids. But hurting them is what I am most sorry for.

I have not had a drink since that night. Not a single one; and I haven't wanted one. Only one week after about nine months sober did I start craving. But I talked it out and I didn't give in to the craving. I only have God to thank for that. He's kept me strong even in my weakness.

I have prayed every single day for this day to come. The day I would be able to bring my kids back home. Honestly, in the beginning of all this, I didn't think it would happen. I though maybe I'd get my weekends back, but not shared custody. And if their dad wanted to be an even bigger dick, he could have fought to keep full custody and I would only get weekends. So as difficult as he's been, I am grateful he didn't do that and that we went with our original agreement.

It's been rough. It's been the most stressful period of my life by far. But I made it through with the help of my husband, who stood beside me the whole way; my family and kids; and most of all, God. I remained hopeful, even when it seemed hopeless. I kept the faith when it just didn't seem possible. I believed with all my heart that God had a great plan for my life and that plan includes my kids. I prayed without ceasing (1 Thess. 5:17), and I chose to believe that my prayers would be answered. It wasn't always easy. I always had that dreadful voice in the back of my mind saying, "it'll never happen. You screwed up too bad, you don't deserve another chance." But I ignored it.

I hope anyone who is struggling, in any situation, and reads this will be inspired to do the same. Just have faith. Just do what you know is right and the next right thing is going to come. But sometimes it takes work. A lot of work and patience. I thought I was on my last leg. I really didn't know how much more I could stand, but I held on. I had a lot of wonderful support at home, at work, in places I never would've expected. I am truly grateful to everyone who was there to talk to and lean on.

I feel more humbled because of the situation. Did I act humble at all times? Probably not. I think people, myself included, mistake being humble for being weak. And I didn't want to be preyed upon for any weakness. But I surely feel humbled. I was knocked off my high horse; God allowed that. I guess I needed it.

I am happy and I am very lucky. I am so lucky to be given another chance. It's a new start for my family. I won't let anyone or anything stand in the way of me and my kids. No one. Not even myself.