Wow, has it been forever since I've written, or what?! It feels like it. I don't know why, I just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been doing more reading lately.
I have a tendency to start something and it is great, I love it, but then the newness and fun wear off and I get bored. I love writing, don't get me wrong. I won't quit writing. I just go through phases. I know that is not really good for a blog writer to do. Just like I get bored, so do my readers and people move on to something else very quickly.
Things are going pretty well right now. Things with my kids are great and getting better, as far as custody, it seems. I am pretty happy.
My weight loss progress is going slowly, but surely. I'm only losing about a pound a week. I am very impatient. I want it NOW! I want to be thin again. Changing anti-depressants has worked wonders though. I would still be gaining if I hadn't switched. While my appetite has been somewhat suppressed, and my libido has improved and I have more energy (I'm not fatigued), I'm not sure what I'm on now works as well for depression. I'm not so depressed, but I just feel sort of numb. I don't know how to explain it. I think that has something to do with my lack of interest in writing lately. But I'm more depressed when I'm fat, so it's a catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Things with my husband aren't as great as they could be. He's a good man, but completely oblivious to my feelings and needs. It gets old. I am the kind of wife who lets her husband know what I need and want and expect. He listens to me and then the opposite of what I have told him. It's been this way from day one though, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He makes promises and the next day it's out the window. It causes some major trust issues. Trust as far as believing what he tells me. When he says he will do something, I'm like, "yeah, I'll believe it when I see it." So I am numb. Nothing will ever change.
My mom would tell me, "if this is the worst of your problems..." I know. Compared to my relationship before, I've got it pretty good. But sometimes I need more than "good." I would like respect. I need my feelings and needs and wishes respected. I respect his needs and feelings. I know I could do better in some areas, but I admit it. I don't pretend to be perfect. I know I'm not. That's the difference between us. He thinks he is perfect, so why change? I don't know what to do anymore. My voice is not really heard in this relationship, no matter how loud I am.
I have to do everything. He doesn't help me. So I am nervous about having my kids back here because I will have to do everything on my own and I will get so mad when I look over and he is sitting there doing nothing. That's how it was before. He says he will help me, but he doesn't even help when it is just the two of us. And when I ask him to do something around the house or whatever, he gets all mad and pouts.
No matter what, I won't get so overwhelmed that I start drinking again. I don't even think about it anymore. I have other ways of coping now. And I will NEVER do that to my kids again. I want them back home so bad, I will do anything and everything to keep them safe and healthy and happy. No matter how mad I get at Chris, I will never risk my kids again.
I have 19 months sober, baby!!
I have a lot of changes coming; good changes. I just hope things get better in the areas I've discussed.
Til next time!!
Oh my God!! Whilst reading this you dont understand how many times I shouted at the screen me too!!! I feel the same about being loud and unheard and that no matter how much I ramble on and people make promises to change, they don't. I guess where we are going wrong is by putting the power in our partners to make empty promises in the first place. what's that saying? "A promise is a comfort to a fool". I cant pretend that I can stop expressing my feeling because that's my way of clinging to my last straws of sanity but maybe we need to understand that when doing this, that is all we are doing, expressing ourselves. Letting it out and if we can, we should do our best to let go of the emotional baggage it comes with at the same time. I too am on anti-depressants but have not been for long. Im finding that they worked well at first but now are losing their effect. My depression is getting worse and my anxiety is coming back. Hopefully things will be ok for the both of us and I am happy that your treatment is working well for you.
ReplyDeleteWow, thanks for the comment. I am glad when my posts stir emotions and personal understanding from others. You're right about power and taking it back, though difficult, is important. I know what you mean about anti-depressant losing their effect. I have been on several different ones. One I was on for years and it stopped working, so I just quit taking it instead of finding something else. Bad idea!! One made me gain 15 pounds in a year. I switched to another one and gained 20 more pounds in 2 months! I don't want to scare you away from them, because finding something that works it worth it. I am on Welbutrin now. It doesn't really help with anxiety; not at first anyway. It actually causes anxiety, so I had it and an anti-anxiety pill. But it is working now.
DeleteI wish you all the best and be strong. Do what you know is best for you!! That is what I am trying to do.