I started this blog as a creative outlet. A place to express my feelings and views on various subjects and to write about my life. That's what this is. My life. I have wanted to write a book for so long, but I feel I need to brush up on my writing skills. I used to write in high school all the time. My "novels" were my life. But then I became an adult, got a full-time job, got involved with a man who did not exactly support my dreams, and started having babies with him. Writing took a major backseat; bare with me.
I'm sure if anyone reads any of this, not everyone will agree with my views, my past, my present, whatever. But my hope is that a woman or man who may be going through rough times due to alcohol or drug issues, or anything that has caused them to feel hopeless, depressed, angry, to see that there is hope. There is a new beginning for anyone who wants one. Making major changes in ones life is not easy by any means, but it is possible and I believe I am proof of that. So my goal is to be completely open and honest about my life.
I have been sober now for 17 months! I am happier than I have ever been in my life. No, things aren't 100% the way I would like them to be, but I am getting there. With the support of my wonderful husband and family, every day gets better than the last.
I have learned a lot about myself the past year and a half. One thing is that I am stronger than I ever knew. I have gone through the most horrific ordeal; all of my own making. I got through it. Next, I learned that when I put my mind to something, nothing will stop me. And I also learned that I really am a good person. I am human and have made some stupid choices over the years and have hurt people I love, but I am a good person.
The majority of my mistakes have been the result of alcohol. I will get into why and how I feel I succumbed to alcoholism in a later post. I had been sober for a year before my last relapse. I actually wouldn't call it "sober" so much as dry. I was abstaining. I knew for several months that I was in relapse mode, yet I did nothing to help myself. I wouldn't talk to anyone because I didn't want them to think me weak. I was terribly angry and bitter.
I was a binge drinker. I would drink vodka straight from the bottle. Every couple weeks I'd hit it hard for 2-3 days straight. One awful, long binge, I ended hurting my oldest child pretty bad. I have no memory what-so-ever of that night and I barely remember anything from that entire day. It is like a nightmare. I know it happened, but it is unimaginable to me because my children are my life. I would do anything for my kids and I would kill anyone who ever hurt them. I once read a sign at a treatment center that said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love--except addiction." It's sad, but true.
I have 4 wonderful children. Logan 11, Kyla 9, Rhyce 7, and Nathan 3-almost 4. I also have 2 step-children. A 10 year old boy and a 16 year old boy. I have hurt my kiddo's a lot over the past few years during my alcohol addiction. I am working to repair the damage with them. I have really been doing everything I can possibly think of to better myself for me and my children. Unfortunately, there are a couple people who have prevented me from doing some things necessary to repair those relationships. But I keep doing the next right thing and remain optimistic about my future.
There is hope for us alcoholics.
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