My Choice To Forgive

     How do you forgive the father who told you almost daily you are stupid and worthless and instilled so much fear into you as a child? How do you forgive the man who abandoned you with three children and one on the way? How do you forgive the woman who intentionally stole your family and continues to try to inflict pain on you as if you were the one who stole her family? How do you forgive yourself for being the source of a great deal of pain to your children? And how do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong?

     These are questions I have struggled to answer for myself for years. I feel I am getting much closer, but resentments and anger still resurface from time to time.

     I have dealt with some of my resentments by avoiding the entire situation. Honestly that has worked when it comes to my dad, because he doesn't care enough to even try. If you don't go to him, you don't see him. And I am really okay with that. That's probably not the best way to handle things, but some people you just have to let be. Sometimes you don't have a choice and the person you least want to have to deal with, you have to see on a regular basis.

     My kids' dad hurt me like no other. I never even knew I could hurt so bad; like my insides were being ripped out and ground into the dirt. After 9 years together, 3 children and one on the way, he could just walk out as if we meant nothing. Walk out and leave us with no money, (I was a stay at home mom, which he instisted on), no food in the house, and bills that, unbeknownst to me, were anywhere from 2 months, to a whole year past due. He refused to give me child support or any kind of help at all; my mom, step-dad and the Hope Center helped me out of that. And when he discontinued the insurance on my van, (that I drove the kids around in),without my knowing, which caused a big issue, my mom bailed me out again. His excuse for not even telling me he did that? "I didn't think about it."

      I could go on and on and on and on about crap that he pulled in our years together, the lying, the cheating, the abuse, his drinking, the secrets...but that doesn't matter anymore. I was sober for the first 7 years we were together. The last 3 is when my drinking went from occasional, to more and more, binging every couple weeks or so. And knowing how I was when I was drinking, I know I didn't help matters. I did and said things that I would not have done or said had I been sober, so I'm sure I hurt him in some ways also. But no matter if I was drunk or sober, we never would've lasted. I have forgiven him, whether he wants it or cares. I forgave him for myself, not for him. And maybe one day, he'll find it somewhere in his heart to forgive me.

     I have made some huge mistakes because I was so intoxicated I had no idea what I was even doing. Things I don't even remember because I was in a blackout drunk. While I will always regret things I did,  I shouldn't be  punished every single day, or punish myself for past mistakes when I have taken every opportunity to change and learn and grow from. I have forgiven myself, and I have changed for the better.

     Forgiveness isn't always easy. I work on it daily. Every time thoughts like the ones I have written come up, I let myself feel how I feel, then I refocus on what is positive and what I am grateful for:

                                              1. My loving, adoring husband.

                                              2. My beautiful children who love me and whom I love so much.

                                              3. My sobriety, of course.

                                              4. The love that is all around me.

     I think my feelings are pretty normal, for anyone, not just us alcoholics. As long as I am making a real, honest effort to get better each and every day, I'm good. 

     If anyone has an opinion on the subject, questions or comments, feel free.