Where Have I Been? Still Sober

Hello! I haven't written here in so long. I just wanted to leave a quick update on what has been happening in my life. I have been sober since 2-6-11, almost 7 years and 7 months. Things are going well.

My 2 middle boys live with me every other week and their dad every other week. My daughter lives with me full time and my oldest son lives with his dad full time. I see him on weekends. He's almost 18! I can not believe it.

I am a small business owner. I am in internet sales. A reseller to be specific. I love it. I've been doing it since Jan 2014. I've been full time, going hard core since Jan 2016. I wish I would have started a long time ago. It's the most fulfilling job I've ever had, I used to be a caregiver. I have been so unbelievably busy, that is why I don't really write anymore.

I just wanted to drop a line or 2 in case anyone stumbles upon this blog and wonders if I must have relapsed or something since I haven't been posting. No, I have not relapsed. I rarely ever thing about alcohol. I'm doing very well, very busy. Life is good. I still have stress and anxiety in my life, like most people, but I am handling it without alcohol. I am happily sober!

It is possible to go through a few rough years where you use alcohol as a crutch and make a million horrible mistakes and then get sober and stay sober. It isn't always easy, but you can do it!

A Little Encouragement For the Alcoholic

Hey. It's been a long time since I've been here. I haven't written much at all, here or on my other blog. I've been busy with other things and haven't made the time to write. I do this all the time, though. I vow to write more, then you never hear from me again. 

My Facebook Page Supporting Alcoholics In Recovery has had quite a bit of likes over the past few months. I'm not sure why, exactly. Maybe because I changes the name a few months ago from Alcoholics in Recovery to Supporting Alcoholics In Recovery? I've had this page for at least 2 or 3 years, so the sudden interest is nice. I wish that when I started it I had made it maybe a closed group so people would feel more comfortable sharing. But I didn't really know anything about Facebook groups, communities or pages when I started it. I was just winging it. Maybe I can change it or create a new group. That will take up a bit of time, though, moderating (is that a word?) 

Robert Downey Jr. is an inspiration to me.

I started this blog for many reasons, but one reason was to offer some encouragement to others. I don't know how much help I could be to people or how much advise I can actually offer. I'm not a counselor or anything like that. All I can do is tell my story and what my experience is. 

I really just wanted people, especially women and mothers, to know they aren't alone. I felt so alone for the years I was an active alcoholic. Nobody understood what I was going through. People thought I could just make a choice to quit. "If you really loved your kids..." they would say. It's not that simple. 

In treatment there was a sign hanging on the wall, a sign that I hated at the time and didn't understand. It said, "There's nothing stronger than a mothers love...except addiction." I understand it now. I loved my kids more than anything and I would do anything for them. I would have died for them. But I could not stop drinking. I wanted to. I attempted to multiple times. But the craving and the need for alcohol always overcame my best efforts. Nobody understood what I was going through, even I didn't really understand it.

My point is, if I have a point, is that every now and then I am reminded of what I went through and the feelings I had during my drinking days and during early recovery. Being reminded makes me want to get back to my original goal - offering hope and encouragement. I am grateful that people are finding my page and I hope I can offer encouragement along the way, even if people aren't comfortable engaging. Maybe I will start a support group on Facebook. That will take some serious thought, though. Alcoholism isn't a daily thought for me anymore and I'm not sure I want it to be. I realize that isn't the case for a lot of people in recovery. It's all they might think about. Especially early recovery. I feel lucky for the fact that I can go about my day to day without obsessing over alcohol. But I can't say that I never think about it. I can't say there aren't times when I wish I could be like other people in terms of drinking. But I've accepted I can't. 

A few weeks ago, I was at a football game. We had box seats that were shared with some people we didn't know. I was making my food at the counter and there was a huge bottle of Vodka sitting there, which was my drink of choice. I had no desire, craving or anything for it. I actually felt a bit nauseated by it. I say that not to brag, but to offer hope. At one time, Vodka consumed me as much as I consumed it. Now, I can be in the same room with it and feel nothing but disgust. 

Life is good. God is good. Change is possible for those who really want it. And please don't wait until you hit rock bottom to stop drinking. Bottom could be the death of someone innocent, or even yourself.

Please follow my page (links above). It's for anyone in recovery, struggling with recovery, wanting to get sober or for those with loved ones in recovery or still struggling. It is meant to be a supportive place to find encouragement and hope, to give and receive. 

Being Humble In Recovery

Being humble in recover isn't always easy. Sometimes you want to justify your actions and behaviors or you want to blame other people for your actions because they treated you bad or lied about you or whatever the case. It's easy to let pride stand in the way of admitting to others and ourselves what we have done wrong. Maybe those people really did do things to hurt you and the stress and pain led you down the path of alcoholism. But the fact is that we make our own decisions. Nobody forces us to do anything (in most cases). 

Part of recovery is making changes to our personality. Probably the most important change is to humble ourselves. Not only in recovery, but in life. God says very clearly to be humble. We need to humble ourselves before Him to allow Him into our hearts. But we should also humble ourselves before others to allow them into our hearts and our lives. 

Quote from Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional.

People can try our patience and cause us to become defensive in the life of recovery. Sometimes they aren't willing to forgive our mistakes, despite the positive changes and progress we are making. Sometimes being humble means staying quiet. People will say hurtful things and sometimes they refuse to see or acknowledge our growth. It hurts, but we can't allow others to dictate how we behave anymore. We need to be humble. We can state clearly that the past is behind us and we are moving forward and hope our loved ones will one day see for themselves. But we need to fight the urge to become defensive, as hard as it can be.

Part of being humble is helping others. When we see others who are down and out or are trying to make positive life choices, we help in whatever way we can. Help a neighbor or a single mother or a child with whatever task they are working on. When we help others, we help ourselves. It feels good to offer kindness and we should expect nothing in return. This isn't only the way in recovery, but the Christian way. It's the way Christ told us to live. Be a servant of the Lord.




It's important for me to stop and think about these things sometimes. Life tends to get in the way of us doing what we know we should be doing. That's why having a good devotional is important. I pulled out my Twenty-Four Hours A Day devotional the other day. It is by far the best devotional I have. It offers a paragraph for the alcoholic in recovery - a daily thought. It also offers a meditation for the day - a paragraph pertaining to our relationship with God. Then it has a prayer for the day - a paragraph for us to think about throughout the day. 

My devotional has been well loved!

My devotional was given to me about 6 years ago, when I first attempted to get sober, by a nice woman in AA. As I've mentioned, I no longer go to AA. I haven't in over 3 1/2 years. So I don't know what ever happened to her. I have other methods of staying sober; getting in touch with my Higher Power is the main way for me. This devotional is amazing. Even the non-alcoholic could appreciate this book. We all have personality or character defects that cause us to do things or behave in a way that isn't the best and we should be addressing those defects. This book helps us look at ourselves in a new way. I love it. I hadn't read it about a year or so, so I'm making a fresh start. Today's thoughts on being humble was inspired by this book.

You can read more about being humble in the Bible. 

                                    1 Peter 5:6 says 

                                                            "Humble yourselves, therefore, 
                                                              under the mighty hand of God 
                                                              so that at the proper time he  
                                                                        may exalt you,"

                                   Philippians 2:3-11 says:

                                                            "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit,
                                                             but in humility count others more significant than                                                                              yourselves.
                                                             Let each of you look not only to his own interests, 
                                                             but also to the interests of others.
                                                             Have this mind among yourselves,
                                                             which is yours in Christ Jesus, who,
                                                             though he was in the form of God,
                                                             did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
                                                             but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,
                                                             being born in the likeness of men..."

Ask yourself, "have I been humbling myself before God and man?" I know I could do better myself. 

What are your thoughts on humility?
                                                               

Remaking This Blog & Thoughts On Recovery

I have been thinking about this blog off and on for a while. This blog was my first and writing here was very therapeutic for me during the most difficult time of my life. But once I felt like I had gotten my life together, I didn't feel I needed to write here anymore.

I have been sober for over 4 years. February 6 is my sobriety date. It came and went without a thought until about a day or two later. I don't know what exactly that means. I have been sober longer than what I would consider to be in full on alcohol addiction. I drank off and on for several years, but the hard core drinking only lasted a couple years, with very brief periods of sobriety, or being dry.

I don't live the kind of sober life that most people in recovery do. I don't go to AA meetings and I haven't been to one since my 6 month anniversary. The meeting in my town is not for me. Some of the "old-timers" are not for me. I wasn't ready to open up - I have a lot of social anxiety. I don't like speaking in front of groups of people - until I get comfortable with them. Some of the people in this meeting didn't want to give me that time and space to get comfortable enough to trust and open up. So, after one humiliating meeting, I never returned. 

I have nothing against meetings at all. I think in very early recovery meetings can be the difference between having a drink and not having a drink. But for me personally, I always left a meeting wanting a drink more than I did before I went to one. 

I haven't had any strong desire to have a drink in years. It is not something I think about. Alcohol is not on my mind on a regular basis. I am pretty much only reminded of it when I see it. When I see drunk people on t.v., particularly reality shows, like on MTV or Bravo, I am reminded of why I no longer drink. Drunk people are stupid and annoying. No offense, of course. I took stupid and annoying to a whole new level. I was an insane drunk. 

So, why am I back here? I don't drink. I don't have a desire to drink. I don't go to AA and I no longer read the Big Book. I haven't put much effort into the actual recovery process. I just worked on my own personal issues that led me to drink. So why come back? This blog did become a niche blog, despite my intentions to not be. It's kind of hard not to be in the recovery niche when your blog name is My Life Sober, amirite? I write a less nichey blog, so what am I doing writing this post now? I guess I feel like there is unfinished business on this blog. I feel like there are people out there who might need some inspiration. I realize that sounds a bit arrogant and that isn't my intention. I wish when I was first recovering, there was a blog out there written by someone I could relate to. 

 I still have plenty of thoughts on alcoholism and addiction. The problem is that my views and opinions are based off of MY OWN experiences. My personal experience, my experience in rehab - three times to be exact; one inpatient, 2 outpatient. My brief stays in jail due to drunken arrests and my experience dealing with people who are battling their own demons. Because it's based mostly off experience and not something I was taught in "substance abuse school," some people might not like my opinions. But I'm not writing for those people. 

One opinion I have is that substance abuse counselors should be in recovery themselves. During my 3 times in rehab, I had 6 different counselors. Tell me that's not f'd up. I have had counselors that have never been an alcoholic or addict. I've had counselors who were hard core addicts, but were in recovery and working their own program. Who do you think I responded to the best? The people who have been where I have been. The woman who knew first hand how I felt losing my children because she too once lost her kids. The woman who showed me first hand that you can be the lowest of the low at the darkest point in your life, then fight your way back up and get your kids back. The woman who called me out in a respectful yet firm manner. The one who listened and didn't assume she knew everything about me simply because I'm an alcoholic and we are "all the same." She knew better than that and she knew that my story isn't the same as the next alcoholic or addict. I have my own story. And she listened and helped me see a better way.

My point is I don't trust many counselors in this area. The ones who get their info from books rather than experience worry me. The ones I have had didn't listen. They felt they knew it all and I knew nothing about myself. They undermined everything I said and believed and when I disagreed with them on their opinions not facts, they would pull out the "you're an alcoholic, you aren't smarter than me" card. They treated us like we had lived our whole lives wrong without ever knowing anything about our lives. I don't respond well to that. I don't know an alcoholic or addict who does. 

I have my own thought on AA. It isn't for everyone and it isn't the only way a person can get and stay sober. It has it's place, but I don't believe it's the end all be all. I know that is controversial in the recovery world because you're taught that AA or CA or NA is the ONLY WAY. It's not. GOD is the only way. Or whatever your higher power is. AA teaches that too but they also treat AA as if it is some higher power and is to be trusted more than God. I've been to some good meetings but people rely more on the meeting than God's power.

I know and have known since about February 6th or 7th, 2011, when I was laying in a jail cell contemplating suicide because I knew I couldn't live with myself and what I had done. I planned to find a way to do it. My kids were better off, right? How could I ever face them again? My babies. My life. I couldn't live with it. But God showed me a better way. He allowed those awful things to happen to give me another chance. No, it shouldn't have happened, but it forced me to realize what I was doing. I hadn't only been hurting myself. I had been hurting my kids. And I had actually hurt my child because of the alcohol. I couldn't kill myself and leave them so many questions and they would always doubt my love for them and maybe even blame themselves. I wouldn't allow that to happen. I was determined to change. I would stop drinking. That was no longer an option. I would have to find a way to deal with the pain I was carrying with me. 

I worked for 2 years on myself and didn't have one drink and I got my kids back. That wasn't all me. It was God. I have always known it is God who keeps me sober. Once I start trying to take control of the situation back from Him, that is when I will fail. I gave it to Him and I believe that is where it will stay. As long as I leave it there. 

I won't say these 4 years have been all easy. I have had a couple very brief moments in the past where I thought, "I really wish I could have a drink right now." But it is always replaced with "but I can't have A drink." I have questioned whether I am a full blown alcoholic or was I a problem drinker. I was seriously depressed and I began using alcohol as a form of medication. It only intensified my depression. But was I just drinking so much because I was so depressed and things in my life weren't good? Could I handle it now? Could I have one drink? Could I drink if I stayed away from the hard stuff? I'm in a better place now, maybe it was just circumstances? 

But maybe it wasn't. And it just isn't worth the risk. It isn't worth losing my kids over for good just to try it, hoping for the best. It doesn't matter if I was just a problem drinker and I am healed now. As far as everyone and their mom is concerned, I'm an alcoholic. If anyone thought I had even one measly wine cooler, I would be called a drunk and I would have my kids taken and people would be talking more than they already do. Even if it really was only one drink. It doesn't matter. 

I've worked too hard to get where I am. Even if nobody gives me credit for what I have done, I know what I have done and been through. I quit drinking cold turkey. Yes, I had to, if I ever wanted to see my kids again. But some people lose their kids and that isn't enough to make them stop what they are doing. They might want to but they can't. It is a choice, but isn't that simple for everyone. 

We aren't all the same. We all have a different and unique story. I don't like alcoholics and addicts being lumped into a stereotypical category. We are the same in some ways and so completely different in others. It would be wise for counselors to realize that.

I am going to use this blog to write about this subject as well as self healing. Not self medicating, but self healing. I am going to go a bit of a different route with this blog, but I will stick with the recovery niche. I will write the story of how I got here and I hope it helps another struggling mother. My opinions might not be conventional, and I'm not a specialist, a counselor or doctor. Just someone who's been there. I hope I can offer something on the subject.

I write at Transforming Serenity and that is my priority blog, but I will start making this blog more of a priority as well. I want to have a sense of humor here, because you have to in some situations. So don't be offended. I plan to be very honest about my thoughts on things. I've done some shitty things in my life and I've had a lot of shitty things happen to me. If you are interested and read, thank you. 

You Can Find Me On My New-Ish Blog

My Life Sober will always be very special to me because it was my first blog. I wrote about some difficult issues I was going through at a difficult time in my life. I haven't been writing much here because I write a new-ish blog Transforming Serenity. It is not alcoholism related, though I've written about my past a bit. It is about my journey trying to live a healthy and positive life. I wanted to write a blog that is true to where I am at in life now. My alcohol problems are part of my past and I am looking forward, while still remembering where I have been. I write about anything and everything there. Writing multiple blogs is getting really difficult. I want to keep my thoughts and posts in the same place as much as possible.So that is where you can find me now. Please come read it. 

I once had a problem with binge drinking. I would never imply that I am cured or healed from the serious disease of alcoholism. But I have been sober almost 4 years. I have stayed sober on my own. I have not gone to meetings, except the first few months. I got to a place where I had to make a choice: continue drinking and lose my kids for good, or stop drinking and change the way I do things. I decided to stop drinking. I know it isn't that simple for most alcoholics.

There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever stop. I was so depressed that I really didn't care and I liked drinking. I didn't like what it did to my kids, but I was in a self-loathing place in my life. Things did fall apart and I hit rock bottom for sure. It could've been worse but it was pretty bad. I woke up and stopped. I haven't had a drink since. There have been a couple times when the thought, "I really want a drink right now" have come to mind. I wish I could drink like normal people. I wish I could have a couple. But I won't.

I've read that most people who drink too much are not actually alcoholics, but problem drinkers that can learn to drink in moderation. I wasn't your typical drunk. I stayed sober for periods of time before drinking again. But when I did drink, I binged. I didn't stop til I couldn't drink any more. I liked drinking. I didn't like waking up with no memory of the night before. I didn't enjoy waking up in jail. I didn't enjoy the pain I caused my kids. But up until the last year of my drinking, I enjoyed it.

Am I an alcoholic? Or am I a problem drinker who drank out of depression and drank too much when I did drink? I'm most likely an alcoholic. I used to drink once in a great while and I knew my limits. But could I control myself right now if I picked it up again? Maybe if I was only drinking beer and stayed away from vodka. But is it worth trying to find out if I could control it again? Not at all. Believe it or not, I'm no fool. It might take me fucking up repeatedly but eventually I learn.

Even if I did decide I could handle it now, because I am in a totally different place in my life - I'm not depressed, I'm not alone, things are great - everyone would be flipping the fuck out if I ever had a beer again. It's not worth scaring the shit out of my loved ones. The risks outweigh the benefits by far.

I never felt like a true alcoholic. I felt like I was lying to and about myself every time I called myself one. I had 3 counselors tell me I didn't fit the mold,  Other than I had gotten into trouble because I was drunk, but that didn't make me an alcoholic. None of my counselors knew how to help me because of that. They don't teach moderation in any of the rehab's I went to. At the time, I didn't need moderation, though. I just needed to quit.

It pisses me off when people who have no business calling me an alcoholic do. It's not for them to make that call. Nobody is going to define me with their labels. It is very rude and disrespectful to call someone something that will define them for the rest of their lives, based solely on their difficult times. People do change. Either you are an alcoholic or you aren't. And for somebody who has no real knowledge of the disease to tell you that you are something is really fucked up. I have always felt that way. I have read and studied so much on the disease and I still couldn't tell you if I am a TRUE alcoholic or if I was just self-medicating my deep depression. If I had come out of that depression before I started drinking would I have become this "alcoholic?" I doubt it.

I definitely know I had a serious problem. I know that if I were to get over confident and take the risk and have a drink, I am taking my life into my own hands. Because I might be able to control it for a period of time and things would seem great and I might think I'm in the clear. But I could just as easily fall on my face and destroy my entire life that I have worked too hard to rebuild. What I fell into depression again, which I often do, and then I lose control of myself again? Is it worth that risk?

I've stayed sober for 4 years without any outside help. I have helped myself  God has helped me stay sober. I firmly believe it is God who has kept me sober and I have to remind myself that. I gave him the problem and here I sit, nearly 4 years after the the WORST DAY of my life, sober, writing about how I may or may not be a true alcoholic. I know how a lot of people answer that. But it's not their place. I'm not asking for opinions on the subject. I have a pet peeve where people voice their opinions on my life and what they think is best for me and think they know me better than I know myself. Nobody knows me better than I know myself, except God, and I know myself way too well. I am capable of seeing the bad and the good. I am pretty clear about the kind of person I am, even when it seems I am questioning and unsure of who I am. That isn't the case. I ask questions of myself about myself and that is when I am able to get honest with myself. Judgmental people who like to tell others what is wrong with them and how to live ought to try it. It is quite eye opening, but it takes some serious guts to focus on your own issues rather than someone else's. I know that there will be people who are judging me right now and assume I am in "relapse mode." I know all the lingo. I assure you, that is not the case.

There have actually been a couple times when it was implied that because I was expressing anger, in a healthy way, mind you, that I was in relapse mode. It's just easier to blow someone's anger off as "she's an alcoholic and wants a drink" rather than "she's a person with feelings and she is expressing her feeling now instead of having a drink." That happens to me all the time. I get pissed off at my sister who stabbed me in the back, figuratively, and I vented on FB and my blog, like everyone does and I am accused of being in relapse mode by someone who claims to be sober 26 years but lives on pain med's and act like an addict. (This was quite a while back.) I'm just sayin'. Focus on your own damn problems and stop trying to "shrink" me. If you aren't a psychiatrist and are not in my life, I have no reason to hear you. I know that sounds a lot like judgement and I am guilty. I don't like hypocrites in recovery. Be honest. That is what I am doing now.

I imagine these are questions people in recovery ask themselves from time to time. I know how I feel about myself and I know enough about myself to know that I can't drink. I can't try to manage it, I can't drink like a non-alcoholic, though a lot of them drink like I used to. I won't give up what I've worked for to put this problem drinker theory to the test. And the last thing I will give anyone is a chance to say "told ya so." No thank you. Remain happily sober I will. I thank God every day for the life I have now and I am grateful.

So with that all said, I probably won't be writing here on My Life Sober much anymore. (Not that I have been anyway.) I am at Transforming Serenity now, as I said. I have been a while. It is not recovery focused, because my life's focus is not recovery. It is a thought that runs through my mind almost daily and I remind myself of where I once was and where I could end up if I drink again. This doesn't work for everyone but it has been working for me. Drinking is not something that I obsess about anymore. But if I ever do find myself thinking about it or if I come up a good alcoholics related post, I will probably write it at T.S. I will try to write an occasional update to let you all know how my sober life is going. Or you can come to my new blog and read about it there. Thanks to everyone who ever read this blog. I am truly grateful and I wish you the best.

A Song Says It All - Eminem's I'm Not Afraid

Sometimes there's a song that just hits home; it says everything (or parts of what) you are feeling at that given moment, or every time you hear it. It makes you feel great, knowing that someone out there gets it, has been through it. It's like they wrote it just for you.

I'm a music lover. Who isn't? So I just thought I would share a great one; one that I have loved since it came out years ago. Eminem's "I'm Not Afraid." 

As a recovering alcoholic (I don't care for using the term recovering because I know I'm past that, but recovered doesn't work either, so I'll just go with recovering), I feel a connection to this song. Especially the entire part about being strong enough to lift the liquor counter up and raising the bar. The hole song is amazing, so here it is. At the end of this post, I'll leave a link to the lyrics, for anyone who doesn't already know them.

For the lyrics, go here.

New Blog

I haven't up and abandoned My Life Sober again, believe it or not. I have been hard at work on my second blog Transforming Serenity at transformingserenity.com It is my first self hosted blog, and though I knew it would take a lot of time and work, I am surprised by how much. But I'm loving the challenge.

It's brand new-about a week old. I have so much to write about, very little time to write. Its been a challenge for sure. But I'm hoping to make something out of it. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going but I am having fun.

I will write a new post here very soon. Check out Transforming Serenity. A woman's guide to a happier, healthier, more positive life.