Nothing is Stronger Than a Mothers Love...

I recently read in the paper about an acquaintance of mine who was arrested for battery and disorderly conduct. This wasn't her first arrest on similar charges, in fact, a year ago she did jail time for battery on an LEO. She was drunk when she got arrested that time and I am assuming that was the case this time as well.

It's been about a year since I have seen her. We did a little time in jail together and before that, we were in treatment together. In jail, she never pretended she wanted to get sober. She seemed convinced that she was bound to live as a raging alcoholic forever. She seemed scared that this disease would kill her, however, that fear wasn't enough. The depression and anxiety she suffered was far worse in her mind. When she was sober, she had to feel whatever feelings she had. That may have been worse in her opinion than the pain alcoholism brought her life.

She has a few young children, who live with their dad. From what she said, he never tried to keep those children from her; he allowed her to see them whenever she wanted to, (which I think is amazing on his part). But she chose to drink instead. It was obvious she loves her boys, but as I've heard it said, "nothing is stronger than a mothers love...except for her addiction." I've offered myself and my situation as an example of that statement, but this woman is another example. No matter how strong your love for your children is, it's not always enough to keep you sober. You have to want it for yourself.

I believe she may be looking at prison time now. She's had many chances to get her life together. I just don't think she wanted to. Maybe she just didn't feel she deserved another chance. Maybe she was so consumed with shame and guilt, that the only thing she could do was drink those feelings away. I can relate to that, and I know so many others can also. Until she deals with those feelings, she's bound to keep returning to what feels comfortable to her.

I know what it is like to battle depression. I also know what it is like to suffer some bouts with anxiety. You feel like you are crazy; like you are losing your mind. You don't know why or what is wrong with you and no matter what you do, you just can't get over it. The more you try and fail, or the more other people try to help you, the crazier you feel. And you can't understand what is happening to you. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just feel "normal?" It's a difficult feeling to explain, and unless you've been there yourself, it's difficult to understand.

So, some of us drink or use other drugs, in an attempt to feel something. Or in an attempt to not feel what we're feeling. We drink because we're depressed, and we become more depressed because we drink. Alcohol is a depressant. It might work to numb ourselves from whatever feelings we have, but soon, it only amplifies those feelings. It becomes a vicious cycle. And then you feel helpless.

I feel for this woman. I had hoped she would get it together last year, after she was released from jail. But honestly, I didn't think she would. She wasn't ready. She hadn't hit bottom yet. For some people, everything she had gone through would've been bottom. An alcoholic or addict, who is sober, can usually spot the one who is not yet ready. And you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

For her sake, and her children's, I hope she has hit bottom. It will only get worse if she hasn't. Prison can sober you up, but until you deal with what is going on inside of you, you're just going to go back to your old patterns and behaviors when you get out; if you get out.

Anxiety, depression, addiction, alcoholism...they do go hand in hand.


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Filling the Void (What is addiction?)

A woman I work with told me she had been reading my blog and had found it inspiring. I am grateful to anyone who reads my work and has good things to say about it. The fact that she is not an alcoholic or addict and found my blog inspiring touched me; I wish to inspire anyone who just wants a better life. She said that everyone has had their addictions, it doesn't have to be alcohol or drugs, it can be anything: food, working, sex, money, shopping, dieting, exercise, caffeine, etc. I've been hooked on chapstick forever, and Pepsi Max. Then she said something else and put it in such a way the she inspired me. She said, "addiction is just a void that we are trying to fill." She went on to say that God made us that way because we are supposed to be filled with Him. He allows us to hit bottom so that we will turn to Him.

In my last post, God's Will Be Done, I wrote about my experience; when I felt God speak to me and how I now know why God allowed me to go through the things I've gone through. I was searching for something. I look back and I know that since I was a teenager, I was searching. what I really wanted was love. We all do, right? I wanted to feel really loved.

I had a few boyfriends in high school, nothing serious. I always seemed to date the same type of guys; someone with a serious void of their own that they were trying to fill...a void I could never fill for them. I would definately say the first thing I used as a substance, other than rock n' roll, was men. No, I didn't sleep around in high school; I as too shy and reserved for that. Once I got out of school, however, things changed. I used whoever I was seeing at the time and sex to try to feel good. But no amount of sex or man ever filled the void within myself, and I had such high expectations for these men that I was always left disappointed.

Then I got pregnant. I thought that this baby was all the love I would ever need. The love I have for my children is eternal. It's immortal; it will never die. Even after I'm gone, the love I have for them will still be out there, forever present. But that still wasn't enough to fill the hole inside of me.

I was already depressed and my depression just grew. Nothing made me feel good. I turned to alcohol. For a brief period, it did make me feel good. It made me feel something. It helped me forget for a little while how miserable I was. I was so unhappy and the more I looked to things and other people, the worse I felt.

It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and finally heard God speak to my heart and soul, that I started feeling better.  That void was beginning to be filled. It wasn't a complete and immediate transformation, but it as pretty close. I knew what I was searching for. I knew my answer was my Father in Heaven.

I still have things to work on. I know God gives me things to work on so I won't become too complacent. I still turn to food for comfort sometimes. And when I am bored. But that conversation I had with my co-worker really inspired me. I don't need to turn to food, or anything; I can give that issue up to God, just as I gave Him my issue with alcohol. He will take it off my hands. He is fulfilling His promise of giving me a new hope and a future.

Not me

I don't have to live with any addiction, I'm in need for nothing but God's love, mercy, and grace. With Him I can do anything, I can overcome any obstacle.

My new goal is to stop obsessing about my weight and start focusing on the Lord and the dreams He has placed in my heart. I have the love I have always wanted. God has given that to me freely. And He has put people in my life to be expressions of His love. I look to Him for fulfillment.

What have you been addicted to? Nobody likes to think or themselves as being addicted to anything, but we all have had our vices. Caffeine, maybe? How are you handling it?

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God's Will Be Done

"God's will not mine," is something I've heard said a lot. Especially in treatment. Any time somebody would get pissed off at someone else, that would be their response. It's something you say and you think you really mean it, but do you? What does that mean anyway? When you say "God's will be done," are you following it up with, "but please, just give me what I want?" I know I have.

For the past year and a half, I've wanted a couple things so badly; to win the lottery...duh...and most importantly, my children. I have given up on the lottery, but I pray for my kids every day. In the beginning of all of this, I didn't really care what God's will was, to be honest; I just wanted my kids. It took making a choice to get to know my Higher Power on another level to start feeling differently. Gradually building a stronger relationship with my Lord, to realize that He wants good things for my life. He wants good things for my children's lives. I believe that and I have hope in that, no matter how difficult things can be.

I used to ask, "Why, God, why? Why did you let this happen?" I believe I know now. After reading countless books on spirituality, books about God and Heaven; reading Scripture, anything I can find on the internet, and after so much soul searching, I have gradually figured it out. I believe with all my heart, it is so I would become stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. So I would get over myself and my selfishness (I still have my selfish moments), and come back to Him. He figuratively slapped me in the face with reality and said, "wake up! Look what you are doing to yourself and to your kids. You're life can be so much better, if you just put your faith in Me." I know I am supposed to help people, with my story; my experiences.

I used to ask, "why is it that certain other people can drink to their hearts content, and act like complete idiots? They are clearly alcoholics, yet they never get into any trouble? But when I start drinking, I get into all sorts of stupid trouble and get arrested and shit. That's not fair, why do they keep getting away with it and I don't?" I actually did ask that question while having a conversation with my husband and the very instant it left my mouth, I was hit with the answer. Like a voice from Heaven, I heard, "Because I have a better plan for your life. I allowed you to fall hard, so that I could lift you up." I, seriously, broke down in tears. I finally had my eyes open.

I still get all emotional when I think about that moment. It changed a lot for me. No, it wasn't an overnight, "everything is perfect now" change. It was just the beginning.It gave me renewed hope. That's when I began to accept God's will for my life, whatever that was. I still struggled with giving up control. But that truly is what "God's will be done" means. Accepting that you are not in control of your own destiny. God is. If you're fighting for control of your own life and everyone else's and everything around you, as I was, you're not living for God's will. His will is not always my will. I still catch myself thinking and saying things like, "I'm in charge of my life, nobody else controls me." Then that still small voice says, "no, I'm in control." I know if I take that control back out of God's loving hands and into my own, I am doomed. I will end up back down the path I was on. Drunk, self-destructive, destroying everything I love and have worked so hard to gain. I know there may come difficult times; God never promised to make life easy. But I know that true peace and happiness will come from my relationship with Him.

Now, when I say, "God's will be done," I truly mean it, because I know He has a perfect plan already laid out for me. As long as I trust in Him, everything will work out, according to that plan. When I begin to stray, He will pull me back to Him, somehow, some way. With that knowledge, I have peace.





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Me and Booze (The Break Up)

Not Me

I used to wonder why and how I could become an alcoholic. Without placing the blame on somebody else for how they "made me feel," there is no explanation or reason. Addiction doesn't discriminate. It was gradual, but sudden at the same time. My tolerance grew more and more and it took longer to "feel" the way I wanted to. I was always chasing the feeling alcohol gave me in the beginning, before I was hooked. I never found that feeling again, no matter how much I drank, what I drank or how fast I drank it. I was miserable; I was ashamed. I would wake up after the first night of a bender, feeling guilty and ashamed. So I would start drinking again. It was a vicious cycle. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank.

I would sober up after a 2-3 day bender and I wouldn't drink for a couple weeks ('til next pay day), but the feelings of guilt and shame never went away. With people constantly checking up on me and reminding me of what I did or said, those feelings wouldn't leave. People were concerned about the kids, and me. But I just didn't want to hear it. I wanted to forget and I wasn't being allowed to. Why did they think I was drinking in the first place? I didn't want to feel those negative emotions. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I wanted to be left alone; to isolate with the one thing that I thought gave me a little peace of mind; my friend, my vodka.

Like with any relationship, you want it to work so much, whether it's good for you or not. You think you can change things to make it better, make it different. I tried to drink less, that never worked. I tried to switch back to beer; yeah, right, I could drink a whole case of beer. I tried to set limitations and boundaries, but once I got a taste of it, I couldn't stop until I was physically incapable of taking another drink. I knew it wasn't good for me; it wasn't good for my family, but I just couldn't get enough.

So I tried to end it; tried to sever all ties to it. (It's really hard to give something up when it keeps finding it's way back to you.) I tried to forget it completely, because that's what I do, I TRY to forget. But my mind was consumed with it. I was obsessed. Everywhere I looked, there it was; on t.v. in magazines. The liquor store beckoned me every time I left the house.

There was no escaping, so I'd give in. I'd convince myself it would be just this one time. Just one more try. Then I would stop.I wouldn't get out of control; I wouldn't do anything stupid. How many times do you have to hurt or be hurt to become convinced something isn't good for you? How many arrests and days spent in jail does it take? For me, it was 3 arrests and approximately 53 days in jail total before I got it.

My relationship with alcohol is like a metaphor for my relationship with my ex, or vise-versa. They are one in the same. I knew it wasn't good, I knew it was destroying from the inside out. I knew it would never change and that I would never be the woman I wanted to be as long as I held on to the relationship.

At one time, it truly was like a break up. I was so sad and depressed the first time I tried to get sober. I was lonely. Alcohol was my comfort, my best pal. I was alone without it, I thought. But I finally let go of both. It took hitting rock bottom for me to accept reality. I had to face the truth and accept it so that I could move on to bigger, better and brighter things. And that's what I did. I severed all ties and all the feelings I used to have. And surprisingly, once I make up my mind, it was easy. No, not the work that I had to do no myself afterwords, but giving up what was destroying me was. I was on the road to recovery and true happiness followed close behind.


When I look back, at both relationships, I wonder, "why?" What the hell was so great about them? Obviously, 4 wonderful children came out of one relationship, but that was about it. The alcohol? I don't know. It seems pointless sometimes.There's no reason that will ever make sense to me, other than it's a disease. It's an obsession of the mind, an allergy of the body. My mind and body don't react to alcohol the way a normal persons does.

Now, I am focusing on the positive. Growth is my goal. I've learned a very hard lesson and I have grown from it, as a mother, as a woman, as a human being. I don't ask why anymore, because I know that God allowed me to go through it all for a reason. So that I would become a better, stronger person and I would have something to offer other people...Hope.


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Beautiful Gifts From God

I had my kids Friday evening for my visit. See, I don't have custody of my kids right now because of  my past alcoholism. I am getting closer to getting them back home. It's been a long hard struggle; harder than it would be for most people in this situation simply because I have had someone fighting against me every step of the way. But I won't get into that this post.

I had a wonderful visit. My kids are always so happy when they are with me. We play; I feed them. Our routine is mainly me feeding them supper and later a snack I show my love for people by feeding them. My kids have come to expect and look forward to the meals and snacks as much as seeing me. I try to give them something new and fun each time.

My youngest, N, is almost 4. He is so little. He eats like a horse, though, and when he eats a lot, he gets so hyper. I have never seen anything like it. It doesn't have to be a sugar filled meal; I try to feed them healthy. But he gets so goofy and wound up. He was laying on his stomach doing these back bends, touching his feet to his head, and next thing I know, he has his little foot touching his mouth. He thought it was so funny, and it probably didn't help that my husband, mom and I were laughing so hard. I was crying. I've said it before, he is my silly, little guy. I just love him to death. I was going to get a pic, but he decided he ate too much his tummy hurt.

My beautiful daughter, K and I painted each others fingernails. It is those moments that I miss on a daily basis because of the choices I made. She wants to come back home, she tells me all the time. So does N and R, my 7 year old. He wants to be with me so badly. He can be himself with me and he doesn't have to "behave" a certain way.

 L, my oldest at 11, sometimes mentions coming home, but he is at that age. He is the one I hurt during my blackout, so I know he has mixed emotions. Once we finally get into family therapy, hopefully the healing will begin. Sometimes I can tell he wants to come home, but he has reservations, which is understandable, considering. It's the anxiety I talked about in my post "How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children." It hurts, but I don't blame him at all. Each visit with him is different. One day, he is affectionate and the next, he's distant and irritable. He is at the age where that is typical, so I try not to take it too personally. I am stepping lightly with him, while still trying to be a parent.

My kids are everything to me. They are so amazing. Every mother knows how I feel. I don't deserve them, but they are mine. My children. My beautiful gifts from God, who loved me enough to bless me with those living miracles. I have taken my role as mother for granted and for that I will always feel guilty. But the whole situation I created has taught me a lot. Don't ever take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate every moment you have with them; if you don't you'll forever regret it. Love your children and be patient with them. Hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them. And most importantly, show them you love them.


Related Posts:
Meet My Kids
My Soul Mate, My Angel
My Choice to Forgive
17 Months Sober


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How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children: Update 4/7/14

Doing the research for this post was a bit painful, as I could see the effects in my own children. I know it is a necessary part of healing my family, though. My children and I haven't yet been able to work through all the details of my alcohol addiction and how it affected them, because we have been kept from getting counseling by their father. But we are finally getting there. My hope is that my children don't succumb to this disease.

Statistics say that children of alcoholics are 4 times more likely than non-COA's to become alcoholics. And that boys are at higher risk than girls.

It is estimated that 6.6 million children under age 18 live in a household with at least 1 alcoholic parent. And 1 in 5 American adults have lived with an alcoholic growing up. More than 43% of the population has been exposed to alcoholism in the family; 28 million Americans have seen at least 1 parent suffer. That's crazy.

Alcoholism runs in families. I have 3 boys and 1 girl. Their mom is a recovering alcoholic and their dad has abused alcohol regularly, their hole lives and to this day. Their paternal grandparents are alcoholics. They have been exposed to it more times than I can count; more than any child should ever be. No child should be exposed to alcoholism, period, but that's the world we live in. The statistics are scary. And sad. I'm not sure what my excuse is, though, because I was never exposed to any alcohol abuse growing up. While I believe I have alcoholic or recovering family members, no one in my immediate family drinks. My exposure began with my children's father, but as an adult.

The psychological impact on children includes feelings of:

• Guilt, where they believe they are the cause;
• Anxiety- they are constantly worried about the parent and what is going to happen;
• Embarrassment- the child is too ashamed to have friends over;
• Unable to trust or have close relationships;
• Confusion- the alcoholic parent is unpredictable, going from loving and kind to angry, for no apparent reason. There is no set schedule or routine, which children need.
• Anger
• Depression- child feels lonely and helpless.

Looking back, I can see so much of this in my children during my drinking period. I still see some signs of it. I think anxiety was one of the biggest. They never knew if when they got home from school, it was going to be a good day or a bad day.

Other signs and behaviors of COA:

• Failure in school

  

  photo by Tonya Marie

• Withdrawal-lack of friends
• Delinquent behavior- stealing, fighting, lying;
• Frequent physical complaints, like headaches, stomachaches;
• Drug or alcohol abuse;
• Risk taking behaviors;
• Aggression toward other kids;
• Depression or suicidal thoughts.

Some go the opposite direction and develop obsessive compulsive disorder and have a need to be perfect. Some children have the family role of "hero," where they take care of the parent and the other children. They are overachievers. This is usually the eldest child. There are other family roles as well.

It is important for adults to recognize the signs so that they can reach out and help. (Most can see the signs but might be unsure of the cause.) It is hard for me to say that because I think a lot of people just want to play the hero and swoop in and take children from their home, instead of helping the whole family to get help and stay together. It is not easy on children to be taken out of their home either; that is very painful. But in some cases, it is the only option. The children are the most important thing and if the parent won't get help...

While some children go on to become alcoholics, others don't. Some suffer negative consequences due to a parents' alcoholism, a larger portion function well and don't develope serious problems. The children who don't, seem to have other adults in their lives who offer positive attention. They have good communication skills, average intelligence, they have a caring attitude, a desire to achieve, and belief in self help. My husband is one of those children. He does not drink and he had family he could rely on. My children had my parents during my alcoholism and have offered them a sense of normalcy through it all.

Alcoholism hurts our children, plain and simple. I was in such denial about how it was affecting my kids. I as in denial about my addiction altogether. Even now that I am sober, they are living with the aftermath of it, as am I. Not only that, they are still being exposed to it in another home, (which is very frustrating!) It is hard for me to relate to what they are going through emotionally, because I did not grow up around it. I am only beginning to grasp their pain. And it kills me knowing that I caused it.

Professional help is crucial. It is important for the kids to be able to speak about their feelings and to be reassured that what their parent has done is not in any way their fault. If the parent has gotten sober, it is important for them to have family therapy. It could be a long process. The parent has to earn or re-earn their child's trust. That takes time. It won't happen over night; it could take years. Patience is very important.

I wish that nobody had to experience the pain of this disease. Education is important. So many people continue to suffer, and we need to help any way we can. There is help out there and plenty of kind, non-judgmental people willing to help. I am thankful my children have their mother back, but I know that they may still have fear and anxiety about whether or not I will drink again. My continued sobriety is something I will have to show them. I plan to show them that people can and do change if they really want it and work at it. I plan to show them that people can recover from this disease and the mistakes that come with it.

UPDATE: My children and I have since had counseling and I now share custody with their dad. I know that there will always be some feelings and questions there, but we have rebuilt trust. It takes time, but with consistency and patience, that trust can be rebuilt. Just keep doing the next right thing; for yourself and your kids.


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Drunk Dialing (What was I Thinking & How Do I Prevent it?)

I don't know about you,  but I did my fair share of drunk dialing/texting  in my drinking days. I wrote about some of my embarrassing experiences in my post "Go Ahead, Laugh."  I think most people at one time or another, alcoholic or not, are guilty of it. You go out , have a few too many drinks and you suddenly have the courage to call that ex of yours and tell him exactly what you think of him /her and their new girl/boy-friend. Guilty! Been there done that! Only I did more of a black out drunk dial most of the time. (And I was usually home alone.) I'd wake up with the feeling that I called somebody, but couldn't remember who exactly it was, or the conversation. Pink's song "Sober" comes to mind. People would want to "remind" me of the call and conversation and I'm like "I don't remember, why do you wanna keep talking about it?" It's embarrassing as hell.

So why do we do it? Obviously, alcohol gives us the courage to do stuff we'd never do sober. I would never do or say almost 100% of the shit I did drunk. I'm sure a lot of it was loneliness and boredom. I ended up having drunken booty calls on more than one occasion. It's too easy to get a man in bed. But would I have wanted them if I was sober? Probably not.
                                                   
                                     
                                                   Drunk Dialing Video on YouTube 

So, is there any way to avoid the dreaded drunk dial? Well, here are a few tips:

1. Either don't drink as much, or if this happens a lot, maybe stop drinking altogether.

2. There are actually apps for your phone to help prevent drunk dialing.

3. If you are going out with friends clubbing or what-have-you, give your phone to your designated driver, or
    leave your phone at home.

4. If you're like I was and drink at home alone, and make calls out of boredom or loneliness, the only
    solution I can think of is back at #1, stop drinking. Drinking alone is a sign of a bigger problem. That is the
    option I have gone with and it is working out great!

Our society makes a fortune on peoples stupid drunken antics, and a lot of people are happy to have a video
of themselves on YouTube. But the reality is, it's not always funny and can cause you a lot of embarrassment way into the future. Employers actually look up prospective employees on google before hiring them. Do yourself a favor and try to prevent making a fool out of yourself any way you can. What seems funny now can come back and bite you in the ass. It's okay to laugh at yourself, but why have everyone else laughing at you if you can prevent it?                      

                                            How to Recover From a Drunk Dial on You Tube



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