You Can Find Me On My New-Ish Blog

My Life Sober will always be very special to me because it was my first blog. I wrote about some difficult issues I was going through at a difficult time in my life. I haven't been writing much here because I write a new-ish blog Transforming Serenity. It is not alcoholism related, though I've written about my past a bit. It is about my journey trying to live a healthy and positive life. I wanted to write a blog that is true to where I am at in life now. My alcohol problems are part of my past and I am looking forward, while still remembering where I have been. I write about anything and everything there. Writing multiple blogs is getting really difficult. I want to keep my thoughts and posts in the same place as much as possible.So that is where you can find me now. Please come read it. 

I once had a problem with binge drinking. I would never imply that I am cured or healed from the serious disease of alcoholism. But I have been sober almost 4 years. I have stayed sober on my own. I have not gone to meetings, except the first few months. I got to a place where I had to make a choice: continue drinking and lose my kids for good, or stop drinking and change the way I do things. I decided to stop drinking. I know it isn't that simple for most alcoholics.

There was a time when I wasn't sure if I would ever stop. I was so depressed that I really didn't care and I liked drinking. I didn't like what it did to my kids, but I was in a self-loathing place in my life. Things did fall apart and I hit rock bottom for sure. It could've been worse but it was pretty bad. I woke up and stopped. I haven't had a drink since. There have been a couple times when the thought, "I really want a drink right now" have come to mind. I wish I could drink like normal people. I wish I could have a couple. But I won't.

I've read that most people who drink too much are not actually alcoholics, but problem drinkers that can learn to drink in moderation. I wasn't your typical drunk. I stayed sober for periods of time before drinking again. But when I did drink, I binged. I didn't stop til I couldn't drink any more. I liked drinking. I didn't like waking up with no memory of the night before. I didn't enjoy waking up in jail. I didn't enjoy the pain I caused my kids. But up until the last year of my drinking, I enjoyed it.

Am I an alcoholic? Or am I a problem drinker who drank out of depression and drank too much when I did drink? I'm most likely an alcoholic. I used to drink once in a great while and I knew my limits. But could I control myself right now if I picked it up again? Maybe if I was only drinking beer and stayed away from vodka. But is it worth trying to find out if I could control it again? Not at all. Believe it or not, I'm no fool. It might take me fucking up repeatedly but eventually I learn.

Even if I did decide I could handle it now, because I am in a totally different place in my life - I'm not depressed, I'm not alone, things are great - everyone would be flipping the fuck out if I ever had a beer again. It's not worth scaring the shit out of my loved ones. The risks outweigh the benefits by far.

I never felt like a true alcoholic. I felt like I was lying to and about myself every time I called myself one. I had 3 counselors tell me I didn't fit the mold,  Other than I had gotten into trouble because I was drunk, but that didn't make me an alcoholic. None of my counselors knew how to help me because of that. They don't teach moderation in any of the rehab's I went to. At the time, I didn't need moderation, though. I just needed to quit.

It pisses me off when people who have no business calling me an alcoholic do. It's not for them to make that call. Nobody is going to define me with their labels. It is very rude and disrespectful to call someone something that will define them for the rest of their lives, based solely on their difficult times. People do change. Either you are an alcoholic or you aren't. And for somebody who has no real knowledge of the disease to tell you that you are something is really fucked up. I have always felt that way. I have read and studied so much on the disease and I still couldn't tell you if I am a TRUE alcoholic or if I was just self-medicating my deep depression. If I had come out of that depression before I started drinking would I have become this "alcoholic?" I doubt it.

I definitely know I had a serious problem. I know that if I were to get over confident and take the risk and have a drink, I am taking my life into my own hands. Because I might be able to control it for a period of time and things would seem great and I might think I'm in the clear. But I could just as easily fall on my face and destroy my entire life that I have worked too hard to rebuild. What I fell into depression again, which I often do, and then I lose control of myself again? Is it worth that risk?

I've stayed sober for 4 years without any outside help. I have helped myself  God has helped me stay sober. I firmly believe it is God who has kept me sober and I have to remind myself that. I gave him the problem and here I sit, nearly 4 years after the the WORST DAY of my life, sober, writing about how I may or may not be a true alcoholic. I know how a lot of people answer that. But it's not their place. I'm not asking for opinions on the subject. I have a pet peeve where people voice their opinions on my life and what they think is best for me and think they know me better than I know myself. Nobody knows me better than I know myself, except God, and I know myself way too well. I am capable of seeing the bad and the good. I am pretty clear about the kind of person I am, even when it seems I am questioning and unsure of who I am. That isn't the case. I ask questions of myself about myself and that is when I am able to get honest with myself. Judgmental people who like to tell others what is wrong with them and how to live ought to try it. It is quite eye opening, but it takes some serious guts to focus on your own issues rather than someone else's. I know that there will be people who are judging me right now and assume I am in "relapse mode." I know all the lingo. I assure you, that is not the case.

There have actually been a couple times when it was implied that because I was expressing anger, in a healthy way, mind you, that I was in relapse mode. It's just easier to blow someone's anger off as "she's an alcoholic and wants a drink" rather than "she's a person with feelings and she is expressing her feeling now instead of having a drink." That happens to me all the time. I get pissed off at my sister who stabbed me in the back, figuratively, and I vented on FB and my blog, like everyone does and I am accused of being in relapse mode by someone who claims to be sober 26 years but lives on pain med's and act like an addict. (This was quite a while back.) I'm just sayin'. Focus on your own damn problems and stop trying to "shrink" me. If you aren't a psychiatrist and are not in my life, I have no reason to hear you. I know that sounds a lot like judgement and I am guilty. I don't like hypocrites in recovery. Be honest. That is what I am doing now.

I imagine these are questions people in recovery ask themselves from time to time. I know how I feel about myself and I know enough about myself to know that I can't drink. I can't try to manage it, I can't drink like a non-alcoholic, though a lot of them drink like I used to. I won't give up what I've worked for to put this problem drinker theory to the test. And the last thing I will give anyone is a chance to say "told ya so." No thank you. Remain happily sober I will. I thank God every day for the life I have now and I am grateful.

So with that all said, I probably won't be writing here on My Life Sober much anymore. (Not that I have been anyway.) I am at Transforming Serenity now, as I said. I have been a while. It is not recovery focused, because my life's focus is not recovery. It is a thought that runs through my mind almost daily and I remind myself of where I once was and where I could end up if I drink again. This doesn't work for everyone but it has been working for me. Drinking is not something that I obsess about anymore. But if I ever do find myself thinking about it or if I come up a good alcoholics related post, I will probably write it at T.S. I will try to write an occasional update to let you all know how my sober life is going. Or you can come to my new blog and read about it there. Thanks to everyone who ever read this blog. I am truly grateful and I wish you the best.

A Song Says It All - Eminem's I'm Not Afraid

Sometimes there's a song that just hits home; it says everything (or parts of what) you are feeling at that given moment, or every time you hear it. It makes you feel great, knowing that someone out there gets it, has been through it. It's like they wrote it just for you.

I'm a music lover. Who isn't? So I just thought I would share a great one; one that I have loved since it came out years ago. Eminem's "I'm Not Afraid." 

As a recovering alcoholic (I don't care for using the term recovering because I know I'm past that, but recovered doesn't work either, so I'll just go with recovering), I feel a connection to this song. Especially the entire part about being strong enough to lift the liquor counter up and raising the bar. The hole song is amazing, so here it is. At the end of this post, I'll leave a link to the lyrics, for anyone who doesn't already know them.

For the lyrics, go here.

New Blog

I haven't up and abandoned My Life Sober again, believe it or not. I have been hard at work on my second blog Transforming Serenity at transformingserenity.com It is my first self hosted blog, and though I knew it would take a lot of time and work, I am surprised by how much. But I'm loving the challenge.

It's brand new-about a week old. I have so much to write about, very little time to write. Its been a challenge for sure. But I'm hoping to make something out of it. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going but I am having fun.

I will write a new post here very soon. Check out Transforming Serenity. A woman's guide to a happier, healthier, more positive life.

Commitment To This Sober Life

What a year this has been. It's been pretty crazy since this time last year. My kids are living with me every other week and with their dad on the weeks in between. It is going much better since the last time I wrote about it, though there are still challenges. 

My kids are great. I am so happy that they are with me. The years I spent not having them in my custody, due to my alcohol abuse, was unbearable. They are my light. My serenity. I am my happiest (and possibly most stressed:)), when I am near them. My oldest, Logan, just turned 13. I can't believe I am the mother of a teenager. I can't be that old, can I? My daughter, Kyla, is 11, my middle son, Rhyce, is 8 (almost 9), and my youngest son, Nathan, is 5. He is in booster kindergarten now. Having them back home has been an adjustment on everyone, but it has been very good. We are happy. 

I celebrated 3 years of sobriety in February. It is a bittersweet time whenever my sobriety date comes around, because the day prior to it was the absolute worst date of my life. My sobriety date is not a good memory-waking up on a cold jail floor, with no memory of why the hell I was there to begin with. But I choose to think of it in a positive way instead of negative, or I'll drive myself mad. I think of it as the day the Lord truly saved me. He saved me from my worst demon. Myself.

I would say that alcohol is my worst demon but I know that alcohol was just an after effect. The real demon was what was going on inside of me that I just wanted to block out. And that is where the alcohol found it's place in my life. Or I found alcohol, however you want to word it. Either way, alcohol and I just don't mix.

After all this time, for me, alcohol is a distant thought. I don't think this is a fact for all those in recovery and I consider myself lucky...or saved. Or I'm just damned determined to have a better life and give my children the best mom they could have. I think about alcohol every single day, but not in the way people might assume I think about it. I don't think about drinking. I haven't had a real craving for alcohol since I was 7 months sober and the craving was so strong and overwhelming I am amazed I resisted. It lasted for a whole week and I fought through it hard. But, knock on wood, it hasn't come back. I am not foolish enough to convince myself that it never will. And that is how I think of alcohol daily. I remind myself of what could happen. I sometimes wonder if the feeling, the want, craving or need is just lying dormant for now, waiting until I am completely off guard and unaware and then it'll just sneak up and pounce. I know it can happen. Even the seemingly strongest old timer in AA is not immune to relapse. I have seen it myself and I keep that in mind any time I want to get all cocky about my sobriety. 

I believe 100% that I was saved. I felt then and I feel now that God rescued me from whatever it was that caused me to basically give up on everything and turn towards binging on alcohol. But God didn't make this road easy on me, by any means. I did get lucky in the fact that I got back what I lost, what was most important to me. I KNOW that I was given a third chance and I KNOW that I won't get a fourth. This is it for me. No more chances and that is enough right now, today, to keep me sober. I meditate on that fact and I feel blessed. As frustrating as it is hoping that other people will notice the change that I feel inside, I know what I have done and that has to be enough. I know what my inner struggles have been and I am proud of what I have accomplished these past few years. My accomplishments are not ones that can be measured by another persons standards because the battle I have fought is from within. And unless you were right there walking through the flames of alcoholism with me, you could never understand my story of survival or the pain I caused. I am back to being myself again. My old self before alcohol. An older, heavier, sleepier version of my old self! JK. Not everyone chooses to see that, but I don't feel I owe anyone a thing, other than my kids. That is hard for some people to hear. But it's the truth. 

It hasn't been all roses this past year, as I have mentioned. Since August, my marriage has been on the rocks. In my opinion, it has been on the rocks since about 5 or 6 months after we got married, but he only just realized it in August. Now all hell has broken lose upon me. I have lived an absolute nightmare for 7 months, with brief moments of reprieve. Granted, it has gotten a bit better the past month or so and the fights are few between, but I feel I am constantly on guard, defensive, waiting for that switch.

I can't even begin to explain all that has gone on in our relationship. It is so confusing and heartbreaking because I thought he was soul-mate, as cliché as that sounds. I thought he was perfect for me. I know that no relationship is perfect, but the things that have gone on are way past that. It's not what I signed up for. And I never vowed to obey anyone. 
I have a lot of anger and disappointment and just plain sadness over this subject and it will come up in other posts I'm sure. I am processing it. Writing has always helped me sort through shit. It's always been an outlet and my way of expressing who I am. But I haven't been able to use writing the way I've always wanted to because I always have to be concerned that those close to me will flip out. People don't like when you publish personal stuff that might put them in a negative light and I don't blame anyone for that. I don't care what most people think to some degree, but when you live with someone, you don't want to be bitched out about everything under the sun. For being who you are and doing what you need to do.

We are working through our problems and I have a little hope still, but I have closed myself off a lot. I have been pushed to that point in every way. I'm not a quitter when it comes to relationships, I love him, but he's made things as hard on me as possible and I just don't understand him. I'm not perfect in this relationship either, but I've never tried to hurt him the way he's internationally hurt me. So now what? We'll just have to see, I guess.

Getting sober doesn't magically fix all of life's shit. If only it were that simple. You have to put in effort and do the work and sometimes it sucks. The fact that I am still sober after everything I have endured these past months should be a testament to my determination and what anyone can do if they are determined enough. You have to want it badly enough. And I won't risk my sobriety, my life or my children's for anyone or anything. Not ever again. I am completely committed to my sober life. And what's meant to be will be. 

Sober Blog Changes

It has been a ridiculously long time since I have written anything on this blog. I am pretty ashamed of that, but my life has been incredibly full this past year. I have made a few changes to this blog, including my URL and I am fully aware that if I have any readers left, they might not find me. Hopefully I will be forgiven, but I needed to change it up a bit. There will be more changes to come, I'm sure. Instead of creating a whole new blog, I decided to just vamp this one up a bit. Some might say that's a dumb idea, but I don't think so.

So, this post is short and sweet. This is sort of a new start to my blogging. I am going to make sure to find the time to write and to write as many quality posts as I can instead of writing something just to write and get it out there. 

I know my writing style isn't for everyone. My tone and sort of dry sense of humor doesn't always translate and I sound a little bitchy, but hopefully there are people out there that still feel me and don't take everything too seriously. I am at a point in my recovery where I feel I can laugh about some of the stupid shit I did during my drinking days. You have to be able to have a sense of humor about some things or you'll just drown in your own guilt and shame over the past. However, it's not all a joke.  

My writing is a work in progress. I am not a pro; I write from the heart. Sometimes I'm all over the place. I have so much I want to write and say and so little time to do it! I love writing and I do it for me, but admittedly, like any writer, I want people to read, relate somehow and enjoy it. That is my goal. I truly want to help and/or inspire others in some way. This is my way of giving back to those still struggling, those newly sober and the old timers. I don't have life all figured out and this blog shows that there are wonderfully good things in recovery and there are going to be struggles as well. That is just life. It won't always be easy, but getting through the struggles better than before is very rewarding.

I have a new post coming shortly. Til then God bless and peace out.

Just Hanging Out

Long time, no write, right? Well, what can I say about life these days?

Life is good, in general. My kid's are wonderful. I am enjoying every second with them. We go walking almost every day, when the weather is nice. They love to go for walks. We walk and talk and have a nice time.

Still having issues with their step-mom completely overstepping boundaries. She thinks she is a legal guardian to my kids and she is not. She's badgering my kids about me, trying to get some kind of info, I'm not sure what she thinks she is doing. She is either really stupid or really smart. I am thinking it's the former. But if she's trying to piss me off, she is succeeding. However, I know she thinks she can provoke me into doing something stupid and that won't happen. I am smarter than that. I will not beat her ass, no matter how much she pushes and I won't start hitting the bottle either. She is wasting her time. But enough on that subject.

We are all settling in with our new life together and I couldn't be happier with it. I am so in love with each and every one of those kids. I hate sending them back to their dad's. I miss them like crazy the week they are with him.

On a positive note, their dad and I have been getting along better. How long that'll last, I don't know. We usually get along for a while, then we're at each other's throats again. But that is just too stressful, for me and the kids. They know what's going on. But it would be really nice if he and I could just get along and put the kids first and put our shit behind us. I just want to get along and co-parent. That is it. But who knows.

I am doing fantastic in sobriety. Sober and happily so. I wouldn't ever give up what I have gotten back just for a drink. It is not easy, tying to salvage your name and get people to see you in a way other than what they have heard about you. I am not interested in trying to impress people or change how they think, especially when they don't know me to begin with. I am just being who I am. I am a good person, a good mom, a sober mom, a loving mom. I try to do what is right and to be nice to people.

But I am also a little tougher than I used to be. I am not naive about things like I once was and I have seen the negative side of human nature to an extreme. I won't be pushed around. That is it. People can chose to get to know me, or listen to what they have heard about me and not give me a chance. That is fine. I am not going out of my way for people who judge based on gossip or your past. We all have a past and it is not all good. We have all done things that we wish nobody would ever find out about. My past is all public knowledge, though. It sucks.

I feel I am someone my kids can be proud of now. Sure, if people bring up stuff their mom did a long time ago, or even just a little over 2 years ago, they might be embarrassed. But they can be proud of the woman who took responsibility for her actions and took action to change. I want them to understand accountability and responsibility for their actions and choices. That is a concept not even a lot of adults seem to grasp. It sucks admitting you are wrong. Or that you need help.

Well, that is all I have got for now. I am having a mommy and Nathan day while the other kids are in school. We are going to get my vans ignition interlock re-calibrated (fun!), we just went for a walk, stopped and got him some doughnuts and then we are going to McDonald's (I hate McDonald's!), then I don't know what. Just hanging out.

Pressure

I have just had the most stressful couple days. This is supposed to be a good, positive time for me and my family. But my ex and his wife refuse to let it be.

I called the dentist to get information about my son's teeth and treatment plan and how much that will cost. Well the step-mom had signed a HIPPA form prohibiting me from getting that info. Now mind you, she is not a legal guardian to my kids. I doubt is their dad signed a disclosure form. She has the same last name as my kids so nobody really questions her. She has always let people believe she is the bio-mom.

I was not happy. They had to call her and get permission. She gave her permission with the stipulation that they do not schedule any appointments with me without clearing it through her first. I was absolutely livid. I know she has no legal right to do that and I should take them to a different dentist for even listening to her. They wouldn't even accept a fax of the court papers. Something is not right there.

So then, after stewing all day, my kids came home and one of them told me they got in trouble at daycare for  something he told me and Chris mentioned to their dad, I'll just refer to a M. Well, now I was really pissed. Chris asked my son if he said anything first about it, he said no.

I had to text his dad because they left some stuff at his house, and I mentioned this to him. Well, naturally, he had an attitude. So when he came over, I asked him what was going on and he wouldn't listen or discuss it or anything. He was a complete jerk, so I too became a complete jerk. I was already pissed. He doesn't know what is going on with anything. If I ask anything about the kids, he has no idea. He has to ask his wife.

So then, after he stormed off, I get a text on my husbands cell phone from M's wife, (Chris nicknamed The Spandex Queen a long time ago because that's all she used to ever wear). She was rambling some nonsense about how it's the kid's fault because they always lie and I fall for it and she has been raising them with M (yeah, right) for 4 years (it's been 3 thank you. My youngest is 4 and I had him until he was 13 months). I didn't read the whole thing. I sent back a couple texts and then M sent one saying to leave her alone, she is wonderful and basically she's a better mother than I could ever be. It's funny cause 3 days ago he was pissed off at her for lying to him about the kids and I had an e-mail from Logan's teacher saying so.

I have refrained from writing about anything personal involving the ex and his wife, but I started this blog so I would have a voice and feel heard. So I will not concern myself too much with what they think, to a certain extent. I have always respected their privacy and my kids'. That's why I haven't used their names.

A couple months ago, I found out that my 12 year old had to call the cops on him one weekend because he was so drunk, he was bashing his wife's head into their Tahoe in the garage. I guess by the time the cops arrived, M was passed out and his wife smoothed things over with the cops. Now, if that was me, I would be arrested and M would be filing a PFA against me. He and his wife are like predators waiting in the tall grass for their prey, me, to stumble and they pounce. But he gets away with his bad behavior. He always has. I don't get it.

I tried calling the babysitter last night, but she didn't answer. So I called this morning to see if I can get anywhere with her before finding a new daycare. She had an attitude big time. But I stood my ground. She seems to think I have to send my kids their. In fact she said they have to be there Mon thru Thurs so I have to figure out how to get them there. Well, that might be what her daughter told her, but I have court papers and nowhere does it say I have to send them where M chooses. It says he has to pay for it. That is it. But I know he will refuse because he thinks things don't apply to him and Chris and I are already struggling financially. That's what M is counting on. But I will do whatever I have to do to make my weeks happy and as stress free as possible. I will try to make it work, but I won't be treated like crap by anyone. And I won't have my kids treated badly by anyone. She hears their side and refuses to consider mine and I shouldn't have to deal with that with my daycare provider.

I told her I want us to get along and have a good relationship. She said that is up to me. I asked how is it up to me when she is the one having a attitude with me. I understand that she is mother of the step-mother. But I don't have to take my kids to a place where the person watching them is rude and hateful to me, who tells me what my kids have to do when they get home, making comments about me to or in front of the kids that she shouldn't. It is not right. I have to trust the daycare provider too. I just hope she doesn't start making things difficult for me, cause if it is difficult for me, the kids sense it and it is hard on them. I want to get along with her. But if we can't, just like any parent, I can choose to send them to someone I do get along with. I will give it a third shot, but that's my limit. I WILL NOT be pushed around. I can't say that enough.

These people say they only care about what is best for the kids and they have some people convinced of this, yet I hear all kinds of stuff that is going on that contradicts their claims. I am not saying my kids never exaggerate. I know they do. To a kid, something is huge, when an adult doesn't feel it is. They treat me like I am completely clueless about my kids. I raised my two oldest 3/4 of their lives and everyone acts like I don't know them. I know them very well.

I also ran a daycare for 5 years and was very successful until M and I started having problems. I was a CNA for 3 years. It might not be a 30 year career, but I do know people. After spending 3 years in and out of treatment, listening to people, and after being in jail on several occasions, especially the last time, I have gotten to know and figure people out. But that knowledge doesn't always bring me peace.

I think my husband is afraid I might get so overwhelmed and stressed about the way I feel I am being treated, that I might relapse. I think M and his wife are counting on it, probably wishing for it. They would never admit it though. But that is what happened 2 years ago. I was so stressed out and felt so out of control because of the crap my ex was pulling and the way I perceived them all treating me. I felt disrespected in every way, like I do now. M takes every opportunity to make his low blows. And when I respond like him, I'm crazy.

We can't co-parent because he refuses to hear any concern I have. He just gets defensive and starts pointing fingers. He always does, always has, always will. I can't stand feeling like my concerns and feelings are passed off as unimportant. And I wouldn't care if they weren't trying to interfere with my rights as their mother, to make decisions. I have equal rights to M now and they absolutely hate it, so they are trying so hard to keep control of things. It won't work though.

I am not worried about relapsing. Drinking hasn't entered my mind. I won't let them win again. I've been sober almost 2 years and I am going to celebrate when it gets here. It is bitter sweet though. 2 years sober and 2 years since I hurt my kids. But I want to turn that negative memory and put something positive in it's place, if possible. I know we will never forget it, but we don't have to be in gloom and doom. We can celebrate how far we have come.

I am praying without ceasing. I am praying for strength because I need it so much. I am praying for patience, because I definitely need that. But most of all, I am praying to find inner peace in the middle of this storm. Serenity. I have not behaved the way I know my God wants me to. I have let my emotions rule my life. But I don't want that because it is making me miserable.

I also am praying for M, his wife and the daycare provider. I wish them no harm. I pray for their blessings and good things and that they will find God looking down on them and feel loved. It isn't easy to pray for people who have wished me the exact opposite, but that is what Christ says to do, that is what Paul the Apostle said to do. I can live beyond my feelings, according to Joyce Meyer. But I need God's help.

I am so thankful for Chris. He has stood decide me through everything. He shows me love like nobody ever has. As I looked at M's face last night, I was so happy to have Chris beside me. I am not alone in this. I have a partner in every sense. Sometimes we get into the biggest arguments, but we always come back together and I know God sent me the person I am meant to be with. I had beautiful, perfect kids with M, but that is the only good thing that came from that "relationship". I can't think of one thing I like about him. He thinks everything is all about money. He is very quick to point out how he has money and I don't. No amount of money is worth being abused emotionally, mentally and physically, ever again. I finally know someone who respects me, even after everything I did 2 years ago. He is amazing. He has really stepped it up the past week. He was always wonderful, but I am even more impressed. He has shown me I can depend on him to have my back and that is something I have never had.

The Lord has been good to me. He gave me back the one thing I really wanted-my kids. I didn't think it would happen, yet here we are. So how can these people take the blessing God gave me and make it a nightmare. I guess they can't unless I let them. But I don't know how to be calm and assertive. I just keep quiet until things build and build ad I am so pissed off I go off. Except when it comes to Chris, I just say it. I have my life back. Nobody can take it from me again. Last time, I basically handed it back when they put too much pressure on me.

That's what I feel. Pressure. Like I have all these people on my back and I can't stand much longer. So please pray for me. I have to give the situation over to God. He is good and I know He won't let me fall. Because I could NOT take it. I wouldn't survive it again. I just want to get along with the other half of my kids' lives. Thank you, friends.



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