Pressure

I have just had the most stressful couple days. This is supposed to be a good, positive time for me and my family. But my ex and his wife refuse to let it be.

I called the dentist to get information about my son's teeth and treatment plan and how much that will cost. Well the step-mom had signed a HIPPA form prohibiting me from getting that info. Now mind you, she is not a legal guardian to my kids. I doubt is their dad signed a disclosure form. She has the same last name as my kids so nobody really questions her. She has always let people believe she is the bio-mom.

I was not happy. They had to call her and get permission. She gave her permission with the stipulation that they do not schedule any appointments with me without clearing it through her first. I was absolutely livid. I know she has no legal right to do that and I should take them to a different dentist for even listening to her. They wouldn't even accept a fax of the court papers. Something is not right there.

So then, after stewing all day, my kids came home and one of them told me they got in trouble at daycare for  something he told me and Chris mentioned to their dad, I'll just refer to a M. Well, now I was really pissed. Chris asked my son if he said anything first about it, he said no.

I had to text his dad because they left some stuff at his house, and I mentioned this to him. Well, naturally, he had an attitude. So when he came over, I asked him what was going on and he wouldn't listen or discuss it or anything. He was a complete jerk, so I too became a complete jerk. I was already pissed. He doesn't know what is going on with anything. If I ask anything about the kids, he has no idea. He has to ask his wife.

So then, after he stormed off, I get a text on my husbands cell phone from M's wife, (Chris nicknamed The Spandex Queen a long time ago because that's all she used to ever wear). She was rambling some nonsense about how it's the kid's fault because they always lie and I fall for it and she has been raising them with M (yeah, right) for 4 years (it's been 3 thank you. My youngest is 4 and I had him until he was 13 months). I didn't read the whole thing. I sent back a couple texts and then M sent one saying to leave her alone, she is wonderful and basically she's a better mother than I could ever be. It's funny cause 3 days ago he was pissed off at her for lying to him about the kids and I had an e-mail from Logan's teacher saying so.

I have refrained from writing about anything personal involving the ex and his wife, but I started this blog so I would have a voice and feel heard. So I will not concern myself too much with what they think, to a certain extent. I have always respected their privacy and my kids'. That's why I haven't used their names.

A couple months ago, I found out that my 12 year old had to call the cops on him one weekend because he was so drunk, he was bashing his wife's head into their Tahoe in the garage. I guess by the time the cops arrived, M was passed out and his wife smoothed things over with the cops. Now, if that was me, I would be arrested and M would be filing a PFA against me. He and his wife are like predators waiting in the tall grass for their prey, me, to stumble and they pounce. But he gets away with his bad behavior. He always has. I don't get it.

I tried calling the babysitter last night, but she didn't answer. So I called this morning to see if I can get anywhere with her before finding a new daycare. She had an attitude big time. But I stood my ground. She seems to think I have to send my kids their. In fact she said they have to be there Mon thru Thurs so I have to figure out how to get them there. Well, that might be what her daughter told her, but I have court papers and nowhere does it say I have to send them where M chooses. It says he has to pay for it. That is it. But I know he will refuse because he thinks things don't apply to him and Chris and I are already struggling financially. That's what M is counting on. But I will do whatever I have to do to make my weeks happy and as stress free as possible. I will try to make it work, but I won't be treated like crap by anyone. And I won't have my kids treated badly by anyone. She hears their side and refuses to consider mine and I shouldn't have to deal with that with my daycare provider.

I told her I want us to get along and have a good relationship. She said that is up to me. I asked how is it up to me when she is the one having a attitude with me. I understand that she is mother of the step-mother. But I don't have to take my kids to a place where the person watching them is rude and hateful to me, who tells me what my kids have to do when they get home, making comments about me to or in front of the kids that she shouldn't. It is not right. I have to trust the daycare provider too. I just hope she doesn't start making things difficult for me, cause if it is difficult for me, the kids sense it and it is hard on them. I want to get along with her. But if we can't, just like any parent, I can choose to send them to someone I do get along with. I will give it a third shot, but that's my limit. I WILL NOT be pushed around. I can't say that enough.

These people say they only care about what is best for the kids and they have some people convinced of this, yet I hear all kinds of stuff that is going on that contradicts their claims. I am not saying my kids never exaggerate. I know they do. To a kid, something is huge, when an adult doesn't feel it is. They treat me like I am completely clueless about my kids. I raised my two oldest 3/4 of their lives and everyone acts like I don't know them. I know them very well.

I also ran a daycare for 5 years and was very successful until M and I started having problems. I was a CNA for 3 years. It might not be a 30 year career, but I do know people. After spending 3 years in and out of treatment, listening to people, and after being in jail on several occasions, especially the last time, I have gotten to know and figure people out. But that knowledge doesn't always bring me peace.

I think my husband is afraid I might get so overwhelmed and stressed about the way I feel I am being treated, that I might relapse. I think M and his wife are counting on it, probably wishing for it. They would never admit it though. But that is what happened 2 years ago. I was so stressed out and felt so out of control because of the crap my ex was pulling and the way I perceived them all treating me. I felt disrespected in every way, like I do now. M takes every opportunity to make his low blows. And when I respond like him, I'm crazy.

We can't co-parent because he refuses to hear any concern I have. He just gets defensive and starts pointing fingers. He always does, always has, always will. I can't stand feeling like my concerns and feelings are passed off as unimportant. And I wouldn't care if they weren't trying to interfere with my rights as their mother, to make decisions. I have equal rights to M now and they absolutely hate it, so they are trying so hard to keep control of things. It won't work though.

I am not worried about relapsing. Drinking hasn't entered my mind. I won't let them win again. I've been sober almost 2 years and I am going to celebrate when it gets here. It is bitter sweet though. 2 years sober and 2 years since I hurt my kids. But I want to turn that negative memory and put something positive in it's place, if possible. I know we will never forget it, but we don't have to be in gloom and doom. We can celebrate how far we have come.

I am praying without ceasing. I am praying for strength because I need it so much. I am praying for patience, because I definitely need that. But most of all, I am praying to find inner peace in the middle of this storm. Serenity. I have not behaved the way I know my God wants me to. I have let my emotions rule my life. But I don't want that because it is making me miserable.

I also am praying for M, his wife and the daycare provider. I wish them no harm. I pray for their blessings and good things and that they will find God looking down on them and feel loved. It isn't easy to pray for people who have wished me the exact opposite, but that is what Christ says to do, that is what Paul the Apostle said to do. I can live beyond my feelings, according to Joyce Meyer. But I need God's help.

I am so thankful for Chris. He has stood decide me through everything. He shows me love like nobody ever has. As I looked at M's face last night, I was so happy to have Chris beside me. I am not alone in this. I have a partner in every sense. Sometimes we get into the biggest arguments, but we always come back together and I know God sent me the person I am meant to be with. I had beautiful, perfect kids with M, but that is the only good thing that came from that "relationship". I can't think of one thing I like about him. He thinks everything is all about money. He is very quick to point out how he has money and I don't. No amount of money is worth being abused emotionally, mentally and physically, ever again. I finally know someone who respects me, even after everything I did 2 years ago. He is amazing. He has really stepped it up the past week. He was always wonderful, but I am even more impressed. He has shown me I can depend on him to have my back and that is something I have never had.

The Lord has been good to me. He gave me back the one thing I really wanted-my kids. I didn't think it would happen, yet here we are. So how can these people take the blessing God gave me and make it a nightmare. I guess they can't unless I let them. But I don't know how to be calm and assertive. I just keep quiet until things build and build ad I am so pissed off I go off. Except when it comes to Chris, I just say it. I have my life back. Nobody can take it from me again. Last time, I basically handed it back when they put too much pressure on me.

That's what I feel. Pressure. Like I have all these people on my back and I can't stand much longer. So please pray for me. I have to give the situation over to God. He is good and I know He won't let me fall. Because I could NOT take it. I wouldn't survive it again. I just want to get along with the other half of my kids' lives. Thank you, friends.



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