Me and Booze (The Break Up)

Not Me

I used to wonder why and how I could become an alcoholic. Without placing the blame on somebody else for how they "made me feel," there is no explanation or reason. Addiction doesn't discriminate. It was gradual, but sudden at the same time. My tolerance grew more and more and it took longer to "feel" the way I wanted to. I was always chasing the feeling alcohol gave me in the beginning, before I was hooked. I never found that feeling again, no matter how much I drank, what I drank or how fast I drank it. I was miserable; I was ashamed. I would wake up after the first night of a bender, feeling guilty and ashamed. So I would start drinking again. It was a vicious cycle. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank.

I would sober up after a 2-3 day bender and I wouldn't drink for a couple weeks ('til next pay day), but the feelings of guilt and shame never went away. With people constantly checking up on me and reminding me of what I did or said, those feelings wouldn't leave. People were concerned about the kids, and me. But I just didn't want to hear it. I wanted to forget and I wasn't being allowed to. Why did they think I was drinking in the first place? I didn't want to feel those negative emotions. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I wanted to be left alone; to isolate with the one thing that I thought gave me a little peace of mind; my friend, my vodka.

Like with any relationship, you want it to work so much, whether it's good for you or not. You think you can change things to make it better, make it different. I tried to drink less, that never worked. I tried to switch back to beer; yeah, right, I could drink a whole case of beer. I tried to set limitations and boundaries, but once I got a taste of it, I couldn't stop until I was physically incapable of taking another drink. I knew it wasn't good for me; it wasn't good for my family, but I just couldn't get enough.

So I tried to end it; tried to sever all ties to it. (It's really hard to give something up when it keeps finding it's way back to you.) I tried to forget it completely, because that's what I do, I TRY to forget. But my mind was consumed with it. I was obsessed. Everywhere I looked, there it was; on t.v. in magazines. The liquor store beckoned me every time I left the house.

There was no escaping, so I'd give in. I'd convince myself it would be just this one time. Just one more try. Then I would stop.I wouldn't get out of control; I wouldn't do anything stupid. How many times do you have to hurt or be hurt to become convinced something isn't good for you? How many arrests and days spent in jail does it take? For me, it was 3 arrests and approximately 53 days in jail total before I got it.

My relationship with alcohol is like a metaphor for my relationship with my ex, or vise-versa. They are one in the same. I knew it wasn't good, I knew it was destroying from the inside out. I knew it would never change and that I would never be the woman I wanted to be as long as I held on to the relationship.

At one time, it truly was like a break up. I was so sad and depressed the first time I tried to get sober. I was lonely. Alcohol was my comfort, my best pal. I was alone without it, I thought. But I finally let go of both. It took hitting rock bottom for me to accept reality. I had to face the truth and accept it so that I could move on to bigger, better and brighter things. And that's what I did. I severed all ties and all the feelings I used to have. And surprisingly, once I make up my mind, it was easy. No, not the work that I had to do no myself afterwords, but giving up what was destroying me was. I was on the road to recovery and true happiness followed close behind.


When I look back, at both relationships, I wonder, "why?" What the hell was so great about them? Obviously, 4 wonderful children came out of one relationship, but that was about it. The alcohol? I don't know. It seems pointless sometimes.There's no reason that will ever make sense to me, other than it's a disease. It's an obsession of the mind, an allergy of the body. My mind and body don't react to alcohol the way a normal persons does.

Now, I am focusing on the positive. Growth is my goal. I've learned a very hard lesson and I have grown from it, as a mother, as a woman, as a human being. I don't ask why anymore, because I know that God allowed me to go through it all for a reason. So that I would become a better, stronger person and I would have something to offer other people...Hope.


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Beautiful Gifts From God

I had my kids Friday evening for my visit. See, I don't have custody of my kids right now because of  my past alcoholism. I am getting closer to getting them back home. It's been a long hard struggle; harder than it would be for most people in this situation simply because I have had someone fighting against me every step of the way. But I won't get into that this post.

I had a wonderful visit. My kids are always so happy when they are with me. We play; I feed them. Our routine is mainly me feeding them supper and later a snack I show my love for people by feeding them. My kids have come to expect and look forward to the meals and snacks as much as seeing me. I try to give them something new and fun each time.

My youngest, N, is almost 4. He is so little. He eats like a horse, though, and when he eats a lot, he gets so hyper. I have never seen anything like it. It doesn't have to be a sugar filled meal; I try to feed them healthy. But he gets so goofy and wound up. He was laying on his stomach doing these back bends, touching his feet to his head, and next thing I know, he has his little foot touching his mouth. He thought it was so funny, and it probably didn't help that my husband, mom and I were laughing so hard. I was crying. I've said it before, he is my silly, little guy. I just love him to death. I was going to get a pic, but he decided he ate too much his tummy hurt.

My beautiful daughter, K and I painted each others fingernails. It is those moments that I miss on a daily basis because of the choices I made. She wants to come back home, she tells me all the time. So does N and R, my 7 year old. He wants to be with me so badly. He can be himself with me and he doesn't have to "behave" a certain way.

 L, my oldest at 11, sometimes mentions coming home, but he is at that age. He is the one I hurt during my blackout, so I know he has mixed emotions. Once we finally get into family therapy, hopefully the healing will begin. Sometimes I can tell he wants to come home, but he has reservations, which is understandable, considering. It's the anxiety I talked about in my post "How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children." It hurts, but I don't blame him at all. Each visit with him is different. One day, he is affectionate and the next, he's distant and irritable. He is at the age where that is typical, so I try not to take it too personally. I am stepping lightly with him, while still trying to be a parent.

My kids are everything to me. They are so amazing. Every mother knows how I feel. I don't deserve them, but they are mine. My children. My beautiful gifts from God, who loved me enough to bless me with those living miracles. I have taken my role as mother for granted and for that I will always feel guilty. But the whole situation I created has taught me a lot. Don't ever take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate every moment you have with them; if you don't you'll forever regret it. Love your children and be patient with them. Hug them and kiss them and tell them you love them. And most importantly, show them you love them.


Related Posts:
Meet My Kids
My Soul Mate, My Angel
My Choice to Forgive
17 Months Sober


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How Parental Alcoholism Affects the Children: Update 4/7/14

Doing the research for this post was a bit painful, as I could see the effects in my own children. I know it is a necessary part of healing my family, though. My children and I haven't yet been able to work through all the details of my alcohol addiction and how it affected them, because we have been kept from getting counseling by their father. But we are finally getting there. My hope is that my children don't succumb to this disease.

Statistics say that children of alcoholics are 4 times more likely than non-COA's to become alcoholics. And that boys are at higher risk than girls.

It is estimated that 6.6 million children under age 18 live in a household with at least 1 alcoholic parent. And 1 in 5 American adults have lived with an alcoholic growing up. More than 43% of the population has been exposed to alcoholism in the family; 28 million Americans have seen at least 1 parent suffer. That's crazy.

Alcoholism runs in families. I have 3 boys and 1 girl. Their mom is a recovering alcoholic and their dad has abused alcohol regularly, their hole lives and to this day. Their paternal grandparents are alcoholics. They have been exposed to it more times than I can count; more than any child should ever be. No child should be exposed to alcoholism, period, but that's the world we live in. The statistics are scary. And sad. I'm not sure what my excuse is, though, because I was never exposed to any alcohol abuse growing up. While I believe I have alcoholic or recovering family members, no one in my immediate family drinks. My exposure began with my children's father, but as an adult.

The psychological impact on children includes feelings of:

• Guilt, where they believe they are the cause;
• Anxiety- they are constantly worried about the parent and what is going to happen;
• Embarrassment- the child is too ashamed to have friends over;
• Unable to trust or have close relationships;
• Confusion- the alcoholic parent is unpredictable, going from loving and kind to angry, for no apparent reason. There is no set schedule or routine, which children need.
• Anger
• Depression- child feels lonely and helpless.

Looking back, I can see so much of this in my children during my drinking period. I still see some signs of it. I think anxiety was one of the biggest. They never knew if when they got home from school, it was going to be a good day or a bad day.

Other signs and behaviors of COA:

• Failure in school

  

  photo by Tonya Marie

• Withdrawal-lack of friends
• Delinquent behavior- stealing, fighting, lying;
• Frequent physical complaints, like headaches, stomachaches;
• Drug or alcohol abuse;
• Risk taking behaviors;
• Aggression toward other kids;
• Depression or suicidal thoughts.

Some go the opposite direction and develop obsessive compulsive disorder and have a need to be perfect. Some children have the family role of "hero," where they take care of the parent and the other children. They are overachievers. This is usually the eldest child. There are other family roles as well.

It is important for adults to recognize the signs so that they can reach out and help. (Most can see the signs but might be unsure of the cause.) It is hard for me to say that because I think a lot of people just want to play the hero and swoop in and take children from their home, instead of helping the whole family to get help and stay together. It is not easy on children to be taken out of their home either; that is very painful. But in some cases, it is the only option. The children are the most important thing and if the parent won't get help...

While some children go on to become alcoholics, others don't. Some suffer negative consequences due to a parents' alcoholism, a larger portion function well and don't develope serious problems. The children who don't, seem to have other adults in their lives who offer positive attention. They have good communication skills, average intelligence, they have a caring attitude, a desire to achieve, and belief in self help. My husband is one of those children. He does not drink and he had family he could rely on. My children had my parents during my alcoholism and have offered them a sense of normalcy through it all.

Alcoholism hurts our children, plain and simple. I was in such denial about how it was affecting my kids. I as in denial about my addiction altogether. Even now that I am sober, they are living with the aftermath of it, as am I. Not only that, they are still being exposed to it in another home, (which is very frustrating!) It is hard for me to relate to what they are going through emotionally, because I did not grow up around it. I am only beginning to grasp their pain. And it kills me knowing that I caused it.

Professional help is crucial. It is important for the kids to be able to speak about their feelings and to be reassured that what their parent has done is not in any way their fault. If the parent has gotten sober, it is important for them to have family therapy. It could be a long process. The parent has to earn or re-earn their child's trust. That takes time. It won't happen over night; it could take years. Patience is very important.

I wish that nobody had to experience the pain of this disease. Education is important. So many people continue to suffer, and we need to help any way we can. There is help out there and plenty of kind, non-judgmental people willing to help. I am thankful my children have their mother back, but I know that they may still have fear and anxiety about whether or not I will drink again. My continued sobriety is something I will have to show them. I plan to show them that people can and do change if they really want it and work at it. I plan to show them that people can recover from this disease and the mistakes that come with it.

UPDATE: My children and I have since had counseling and I now share custody with their dad. I know that there will always be some feelings and questions there, but we have rebuilt trust. It takes time, but with consistency and patience, that trust can be rebuilt. Just keep doing the next right thing; for yourself and your kids.


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Drunk Dialing (What was I Thinking & How Do I Prevent it?)

I don't know about you,  but I did my fair share of drunk dialing/texting  in my drinking days. I wrote about some of my embarrassing experiences in my post "Go Ahead, Laugh."  I think most people at one time or another, alcoholic or not, are guilty of it. You go out , have a few too many drinks and you suddenly have the courage to call that ex of yours and tell him exactly what you think of him /her and their new girl/boy-friend. Guilty! Been there done that! Only I did more of a black out drunk dial most of the time. (And I was usually home alone.) I'd wake up with the feeling that I called somebody, but couldn't remember who exactly it was, or the conversation. Pink's song "Sober" comes to mind. People would want to "remind" me of the call and conversation and I'm like "I don't remember, why do you wanna keep talking about it?" It's embarrassing as hell.

So why do we do it? Obviously, alcohol gives us the courage to do stuff we'd never do sober. I would never do or say almost 100% of the shit I did drunk. I'm sure a lot of it was loneliness and boredom. I ended up having drunken booty calls on more than one occasion. It's too easy to get a man in bed. But would I have wanted them if I was sober? Probably not.
                                                   
                                     
                                                   Drunk Dialing Video on YouTube 

So, is there any way to avoid the dreaded drunk dial? Well, here are a few tips:

1. Either don't drink as much, or if this happens a lot, maybe stop drinking altogether.

2. There are actually apps for your phone to help prevent drunk dialing.

3. If you are going out with friends clubbing or what-have-you, give your phone to your designated driver, or
    leave your phone at home.

4. If you're like I was and drink at home alone, and make calls out of boredom or loneliness, the only
    solution I can think of is back at #1, stop drinking. Drinking alone is a sign of a bigger problem. That is the
    option I have gone with and it is working out great!

Our society makes a fortune on peoples stupid drunken antics, and a lot of people are happy to have a video
of themselves on YouTube. But the reality is, it's not always funny and can cause you a lot of embarrassment way into the future. Employers actually look up prospective employees on google before hiring them. Do yourself a favor and try to prevent making a fool out of yourself any way you can. What seems funny now can come back and bite you in the ass. It's okay to laugh at yourself, but why have everyone else laughing at you if you can prevent it?                      

                                            How to Recover From a Drunk Dial on You Tube



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The Devil's Mistress (Ode to My Nemesis)

                             Does it make you feel good about yourself to treat me like you do?

                                     You walk around full of arrogance and entitlement. 

                                          What are you entitled to? I'd like to know.

                                                          All that belongs to me.

                                     You take and you take, without any empathy inside you.

                  You don't even try to relate to what I've been through, when you've been through it too.

                                                                       Who are you?

                                                            A thief that's what you are.

                                                      A slithering snake; the devils child.             

                                                I see you for what you are; you think I don't

                                                   You think your schemes are lost on me.

                                                          They aren't; I'm on to you.

                                                          I have been since day one.

                                             You want what's mine; but who can blame you;

                                               Beautiful things have come from this hot mess.

                                          One day the slingshot of karma will put you in your place;

                                            And you'll look in the mirror and see what is real; 

                                                  what you've tried so hard to disguise.

                                                     And maybe remorse will hit you ;

                                 maybe everything that you love will be taken by another snake,

                                                                   The devils mistress.

                                                                And maybe it'll hit you.......

                                                            it didn't have to be this way.

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"Exo Terra Snake Cave"

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Go Ahead, Laugh

I'm a pretty shy person by nature.

One thing I always admired about Charlie Sheen, love or hate him, is his ability to laugh at himself. Back when he was still sober, that is.When he was sober, the cracks made on two and half men about booze and hookers was funny. It was cool that he was in on the joke and didn't take himself too seriously. But once it became obvious he was using again, not so funny.

My point? It is okay to laugh at yourself.

In my life, I can look back at some of the stupid shit I've done and make small jokes, or elude at something. I have to. I can't dwell on it. Some of it, while not funny at the time, I can look back and shake my head and smile and say WTF was I thinking?....oh, yeah....I wasn't.

Drunk Dialing. That was my thing.

I used to have to hide the phone from myself when I started drinking just I wouldn't call anyone. Every morning after a night of binge drinking, I would wake up with a feeling of dread, wondering if I called someone and what did I say? Did I call  and profess my love to someone I barely Know? I've actually done that; just one of my regrets. WTF was I thinking?!

Or wondering if I had called my ex and threatened his new girlfriend (he walked out on me and went straight to her, what do expect a drunk to do?) or his brother (he was an ass).

Then there's the first time I ever had a drink at 16. At my friends house, my younger sis, M and I decided to give it a try and got totally smashed on vodka. My friend R practically dumped it down my throat and shirt. I was drunk in about 2 seconds flat. And EVERYTHING was so funny. I remember being so hot and trying to take off my clothes. I remember saying that I loved this guy I was seeing, then realizing I loved one of my ex-boyfriends, then, no I loved them both! And my sister got violent. We were in the bathroom, and she hauled off and hit me in the face. I said "do it again! It doesn't hurt!" So she did....I didn't drink vodka like that again for 8 or nine years. (I didn't drink at for several years and then it was just wine coolers and sweet girly drinks.)

That was just a preview into my future. If I'd only known. But I do laugh at that. I was a kid and I paid severely with a week long hangover.....no kidding.

It's embarrassing, yes, but I'm over it. I can laugh at that stuff and joke about it, because really, who did that hurt? At the time, I think I was only hurting myself.....I was just annoying everyone else.

I could have burned the house down trying to drunk cook. I loved to cook when I was drunk.....and do laundry. But the next day, when I'm looking at a mess of half clean, half dirty clothes on the floor and a kitchen demolished by my latest drunken concoction........

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. But don't cross over the line of funny and what's really not funny. It can be a thin line for other people, but I would just try to be considerate. My sense of humor can be sarcastic and sometimes can be perceived as mean. That's not my intent, but some people don't get me.

I would never laugh about hurting someone, ever. But a lot of what I did was just plain stupid, drunk behavior. And I can laugh now, or just smile and shake my head, and be thankful that I don't have those horrifying and humiliating experiences again.

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Avoiding Temptation 7/15/12

Me & Chris

Chris and I went to Chili's the other day. The hostess wanted to seat us at the bar. I asked her to seat us somewhere else. I didn't think it was that big of deal. I haven't any cravings for so long, but I don't want to put myself in a position to be triggered and next thing I know, I'm remember the fun times of drinking, (there really weren't that many), and suddenly start craving it. You never know when it will hit you so you can never be too careful.

Anyway, I didn't think it was that big of a step in my recovery; I've been sober almost a year and a half. But my husband was proud of me. He said he didn't want to say anything when she headed that way and didn't know what I would do, so he was proud when I took control. It's those small steps that make a big difference.

Chris doesn't drink. Maybe before we got together a little over 2 years ago he may have every now and then, but out of love and respect for my recovery, he doesn't drink at all. I am incredibly lucky. Where has this man been all my life?!

So while I didn't think of it as a big deal, I guess it was a big deal for our relationship. He went through 2 months of hell during my last relapse and being able to make him proud and show that my sobriety is a priority for me is a big thing for him.

Chili's $25 Gift Card - Food Gift Cards

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