Weekend With the Kids

This weekend with my kids has been so nice. It is just as it should be. I have been incredibly stressed out and frustrated because of how certain people are trying to dictate how I run my household with my children; in fact I just wrote a whole post about it, but am debating when to publish it. I just know I can't let people control my life. They don't have any say at all. When it is my week of custody, I am in charge. That is something they need to get used to, and some people have a really hard time letting go of control. They have unhappy lives because of their need to control people, and you can't live your life trying to control or change other people to suit your needs or wants.

I really wish I could be home with the kids, taking care of them like I used to.  I miss it a lot. That would be my biggest wish, that I could be home with them and not have to leave them with anyone else. Then on the weeks when they are with their dad, I could focus on my writing, my book. That would make me truly happy.

I used to be a stay at home mom and a day-care provider. At first, I loved being home with them, I loved running my daycare business, but then I let the kids' dad come back home after a year and a half break up. I went downhill from there.

But if I could afford to stay home with them now, I would. I would love it. The difference now is, I have a man who doesn't run around and leave me alone ALL the time. Chris might make me so mad sometimes, but he is here and he at least tries to help me as much as he can. I am very blessed for that.

Maybe one day we'll be in a place where I can do what I believe I supposed to be doing. That is up to God.

The kids have had a great weekend. They don't even want to go back. I just worry about them getting in trouble at their dads or daycare for something they do at my house. It is stressful on them and on me, because my kids shouldn't have to worry about getting in trouble at the other parents house for what goes on in the other house. It is completely ridiculous! I don't get that logic. I am home with them today, but tomorrow, it's back to work and off to school. Hope it all goes well.

It's Time

Well, tonight is my first official night of shared custody and my kids get to live with me every other week. While I am very excited, it has been pretty stressful preparing. I am not even completely ready either. I have to go to the school today and fill out bus cards, something I didn't know I had to do. I also have to make keys, get a land line installed hooked up sometime today and get a tire fixed. Oh yeah, and my house is a mess.

I am trying not to stress out too much, because this is the moment I have been waiting for for almost 2 years now. It will take a while to get in a routine. The kids are used to being able to wake up later during the week and they get dropped off at school by their dad, but with me, they have to get up at 5am and go to daycare (my oldest kids are not going to be happy about that) and walk to a school and ride the bus. I hate that I have to be to work at 6am. I wish I could just be home and take care of them like I used to, before I started drinking.

I am getting myself all stressed out. I know I need to relax. Things are going to be fine. I am happy and my kids are happy. Though, I'm not sure how happy they'll be when I start waking them up super early!

I just want to enjoy this time in my life now. I want to enjoy being with my kids and not let anyone or anything get me down.

New Beginnings and Second Chances

Shared custody of my kids starts 1-18-13. I am so happy! They will be back with me every other week. It has been 2 years since they have lived with me and that was only a few months. It was a year before that. It's been since Sept. 2009 since I had full custody of my kids. They are happy and excited, too.

I admit I am a little stressed. Most of that stress is because my ex still wants to control everything I do and my kids do when he has no say what goes on when it's my week. He thinks because he pays for most of the daycare and school that that means he is in charge. It won't be that way and he and I are going to butt heads, unless he backs off. I won't put up with his crap any more. Things won't be like they were last time. 

My kids are my first priority, despite what their dad thinks and says. His wife and her mom are already running their mouths in front of the kids about stuff. The kids tell me all the time that they are saying bad things about me. I know I can't let it get to me. I don't care what they or anyone thinks of me, but they don't need to express their opinions in front of my kids. It makes the kids feel bad when someone is saying mean things about their mom. They should be thinking of the best interest of the kids and not getting at me.

It might take a little time for us to get in a routine. But I know it will work out. If I can just stay calm with the ex and not let him push my buttons, it'll be fine. 

I am just so ready for them to be home. I've been waiting for this moment a long time. It is finally here.

I am coming up on 2 years of sobriety. That feels amazing. Even though I am stressed, I am sober and I believe fully that I will stay sober. 

I ran into my old counselor from treatment last weekend. She helped me through a very rough time in my life. She was the best counselor I have ever had. She had been through addiction before, so she knew what it was like. She said it like it was, but was caring also. She told me she had postpartum depression and relapsed. I felt really bad for her. 

I know how postpartum depression can be. It is hard. I had it, worse with each child. After my third baby, it was the worst. I felt like I was literally going crazy. But hearing her just reminded me that no alcoholic or addict is incapable of relapsing. Even the person who seems the strongest in their recovery can still relapse. We all have our struggles in life and we all have another relapse in us. But we don't all have another recovery in us. I know I don't. It's prison or death for me. I do stupid shit when I drink and every relapse is worse than it was before I quit.

I believe my old counselor will be okay. I hope. It sucks seeing someone you look up to stumble or fall, but it happens to the best of us. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Nobody is perfect and I think it would be nice to see more compassion from people. Some people think they are perfect and like to point out other peoples faults. They forget that not too long ago they made a mistake or did something they wish they didn't do. Maybe it wasn't as big a mistake as the ones I've made or someone else, but they've messed up non the less.

So lets try showing some compassion to others today. You never know who you'll come into contact with that might really need it and how you could positively impact a persons life. Don't judge a book by it's cover and don't judge a person because you heard something about them. Give them a chance and get to know them for yourself. That is what I am going to work on. I will attempt not to judge those who judge me. I will attempt to give them a chance to get to know me and show them why not everything they have heard is the truth.

Until next time, have a wonderful week.

He Gives Me Strength

Work is pretty scary lately. I, and a couple others, have been laid off for the next couple of weeks. We've been on lay off for like a couple months now; only working a couple days a week. It couldn't have come at a worse time. Of course, there is Christmas, then there are the bills and just getting my kids back home. 

These are scary times, for sure. So I have gone on the internet to look for jobs openings and it is pretty pathetic. I am not qualified to do much these days. Any writing jobs want a couple years of writing experience, and while I have been writing my whole life, practically, I don't have "professional" experience. I am writing for a couple different sites, but it is more for experience than money. While it is possible to make money on these sites, I imagine it is difficult and not enough to live off. My writing style much more personal and when I write for these sites, it feels almost robotic. Who wants to read the work of a robot?

I started a fiction novel a couple months ago, but put it on hold, as my creativity seems to run out on me. I believe some of what I was writing was not what God wanted me to write. So I need to do some editing. The idea is good; I just need to clean it up some. 

It is becoming more apparent to me that God has a purpose for my skill. Chris calls it a gift. God has given every person a gift, and I do feel writing is the gift He has given me. I can translate my feelings in my writing. My skills aren't perfect and there is always room to improve. I am working on that. But I have felt God working through other people to convince me to write my story. Several people have come up to me at various times and said that I should really commit to writing a book. At the time, I was having an inner conflict about it. God is telling me to do something and I am saying I will later.

I have felt God pushing me to really start writing more and to write what I love. I have prayed to Him saying that if it is His will for me to focus on writing and to start my memoir; to give me the time to devote myself to it. Maybe that is what this layoff is. I also asked for the means, the finances, to help support my family so I can stay home and write and take care of my kids. I don't know how that will come about, but I have to trust the Good Lord to provide for me and my family. 

I admit, I have been incredibly stressed out about lack of money. That is actually an understatement. I've been terrified. But I truly feel that God is calling on me to trust Him. He never gives us more than we can handle, right? If I can get through a nasty battle with alcoholism, surely I can do anything. "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." That has become my mantra; I say it to myself over and over.

It is strange how you can just know that God is working in your life, even when things are not going even close to the way you want them to be going. You can just feel it. "The Lord works in mysterious ways" is completely true. 2 Corinthians 12:9  says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  That is what comes to mind when I think of the situation. Our weakness causes us to turn to Him.

As hard as it is to understand what purpose some difficult life situations could serve, I know that there is indeed a purpose. God puts those who trust Him in the right place at the right time. I think He likes to surprise and amaze us. He is always looking for someone who trusts Him that He can help and bless. Well, my faith and my trust and my hope are in Him. Things tend to get worse before they get better, and I know His power is working in my weakness and He is strengthening me every step of the way. God is good.

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My Life This Day

I want to start off saying how sad I am for the families in Connecticut. How awful. There are no words to express the emotions that come when thinking about what happened. It is scary. I have 3 children in school and soon I'll have 4. We send our kids to school expecting them to be safe and come home to us unharmed. When things like this happen, I understand why more people are homeschooling their kids. I went to a private Christian school and can't imagine something like this happening. But it can happen anywhere. It is terrifying. I am praying for the families.

On another not, my husband and I went and looked at a house last night that we love. I really want it, but my job is not good right now. I have basically been on lay-off, working only part time the past few weeks. Some of my co-workers have been on lay-off for longer. It really sucks. I don't make much to begin with, and it is Christmas time, which is the worst time of year to be out of work. It is quite stressful and frustrating. But what can ya do? I guess I should be happy I am working at all; but that doesn't pay my bills.

My husband and kids and I just started going church. I haven't been to church in about 9 years. I have had a lot of guilt about that. But I didn't want to go back to my old church because of a few people who I don't want to deal with. And as a Seventh-Day Adventist, we go to church on Saturdays, and that won't work for my family. I hate to admit it, but I am putting my kids' extra-circular activities ahead of my religion. But my kids really wanted to go to church and we found a nice little one with very nice people. I believe that God just wanted to get me back into church and fellowship with Him and other believers, and He led me to a new place.

God has been dealing with me for about 2 years about going to church and I swore that when I got my kids back, I would take them to church. It is important to me that my kids learn about God and build a relationship with Him through Christ, as I had when I was young. But I turned my back on Him, and my life went down hill from then on. I want my kids to have a good life and I believe they will have a happier life if they have a relationship with the Lord. They enjoyed themselves and were so good. They can't wait to go next time.

I have been pretty stressed out lately. Not working enough hours, being sick last week, bills piling up...But I know that I have to have faith. Maybe this is some kind of test. I have definitely felt my faith being tested for a few months, and I thought I was getting through it all pretty well, but lately, I have fallen into that old negative thinking. Well, not so much thinking as feeling. It's hard to control your feelings.

My kids will start living with me every other week the beginning of February and I am a little stressed about day-care. I'm still not sure where I stand with their day-care provider, who happens to be their step-mom's mom. She doesn't like me (and doesn't know me) and I worry about how that will go. Last time, she was so rude to me. My ex said that is just the way she is, but I don't think my kids' babysitter should be disrespectful to me. Most women don't have to deal with their ex's new mother-in-law. But I will do my best to just be nice and not let anyone get to me.

I am just putting my faith and trust in God. I know He is supplying all of our needs and everything will work out according to His Will. It is hard not to stress out when things go from bad to worse. I wonder if it is my feelings lately that causing my circumstances to get worse.

Even with all the added stress right now, I am so thankful that I have not had any desire to drink at all. I am sober and proud of myself. I am in a very good place in my sobriety, and I have my Father in Heaven to thank for that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe weekend. God bless!

Staying Sober During the Holiday's

The Holiday's can be a very stressful time for year for anyone. But for the newly recovering alcoholic, stressful takes on a whole new meaning. With Holiday parties around the corner, maybe some already past, odds are, alcohol will be a staple at some of them. Now is the time when you have to know your limits.

Knowing your limits isn't as simple as it sounds. I am almost 2 years sober and while I believe I am at a point in my sobriety where I can be around a couple people having a beer or two, I know I don't want to be around an open bar and a bunch of drunk people. Even after nearly two years of being happily sober, I know it is still possible to be triggered and I won't willingly put myself in that situation. I believe I know my limits. But I know that triggers and cravings can come unexpectedly.

So what do you do? You can't easily tell your mom or your grandma that you aren't going to be at the family gathering, can you? You need to know your family. Do they get plastered by the end of the night? Do they have a couple glasses of wine or champagne?

And what about the company Christmas Party? I've been to parties that start with drinks and end in drunk. What do you do?

My opinion on that is, if you are in your first year of sobriety, it's probably best to avoid going to any party where alcohol is one of the main features and people will be getting drunk. As strong as you may think you are, it is still not a good idea to be around it. Once the idea of alcohol and drinking gets in your head, it becomes an obsession and before you know it, you are planning your next drink. Don't let it get in your head.

You might feel obligated to show up, and if that is the case, you can make a brief appearance, then have some excuse to leave. It doesn't matter what the excuse is: an early morning, an appointment the next day, gotta get home to the kids... You don't owe anyone an explanation. If you feel comfortable telling people of your struggle with alcoholism/addiction, go for it. But it can take time to become comfortable with that. While you should be proud to be sober, and most people are supportive, a lot of people are still very judgmental and you don't want to be the topic of the party's gossip.

Family is harder. I hope everyone has a supportive family, who will put your sobriety over their social drinking, not everyone does. Especially if you come from a family of alcoholics, as many people do. This is a time when you have to put your sobriety first. If you can get away with making a brief appearance, do that. But consider your family dynamics. Family can be one of the most difficult parts of sobriety. Some people drink because of their family dynamics. You have to do what is best for you, no matter how hard that might be.

Do NOT let anyone pressure you to have "just one" drink. Remember that "just one" will turn into five or ten. And if you are strong enough to drink only one, you will most likely start to think you can "control it." You can't. You're an alcoholic. You can't drink like normal people, no matter how much you wish you could. If it has destroyed your life before, it will destroy your life again. I know what will happen if I pick up again. I will end up in prison or dead. Those are the only two options left for me. And being around people partying and being around an open bar or any kind of bar, is not worth it. You and I are getting our lives back in order, earning back the things and people we lost due to our addiction; don't lose it all again in one night.

While it might not be the easiest or best advise, it's all I've got. I am blessed to be part of a non-drinking, supportive family and my job does not have Christmas parties, so I'm good. But I know this is rare.

Think hard about what your limits are and be honest with yourself (and your loved ones who you trust) about what you can handle.

Christmas isn't about partying anyway. Without getting religious, it's about love and family and togetherness. I wish everyone the best! Happy Sober Holiday's!



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Good On the Home Front

Tomorrow is my first born's 12th birthday. Where does the time go? And the day after that I'll have 22 months of sobriety. Yes, I count each and every month as a month to be celebrated.

Things are going very well on the home front. My kids are coming over every Wednesday and every other weekend. Soon, they will be with me ever other week. They come over and the first thing my 4 year old says is, "can I sleep at your house now?" They never want to leave and it breaks my heart to send them back to their dad's . Especially when I find out the insane shit that is going on over there. The kids are still witnessing way too much drunkenness and violence over there. They have been through enough. Their dad is the definition of a hypocrite! But that's another story.

I have been sick for the past few days, so I thought I would write a line or two about how things are going. Other than being sick, things are good. I have my kids back, I have great family, a job, a place to live. I am growing spiritually and in my relationship with God. My kids are asking to go to church, which makes me happy. We are starting over and I am in a place in my life where I can guide them-with God's help.

I think I am finally motivated to get on a fitness regimen. I am ready to lose this weight and get fit. I have been saying that, but it is time. I am gaining way too much, way too quick. I want my body and my life back.

I am happy now. That is all I ever wanted. I thank God every day for the many blessings He's given me. He has been very good to me, that is for sure.